Sixth Year
by accioremote7
Summary: "Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath." With the twists and turns of new relationships, secret family members, and pressures of being a teenager, the sixth year Gryffindors are in for an... interesting year. SB/MM, RL/DM
1. Trains, Juice, Fires, and Creamcheese

A/N: Hi! First I'd just like to say this is my first fanfiction, so try not to be too critical(: It's about the Gryffindor sixth years in 1976. This is a Marauder fanfic, about Sirius Black x Marlene McKinnon, and Remus Lupin x Dorcas Meadows.

Ships: Sirius Black x Marlene McKinnon, Remus Lupin x Dorcas Meadows, Mary MacDonald x OC, James Potter x Lily Evans

**NEW A/N: **I've decided that I'm going to bunch the chapters together by fours. This will make it less daunting when I get farther along in the story and it starts getting to chapter numbers in the 70s. This way it will be less clicking "next".

Enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>The Express<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

I hate Sirius Black.

Why did he have such a power over me? I couldn't understand it.

I think it started back in 4th year, when he saved me from an evil Slytherin boy who had called me a filthy half blood and shoved me up against a wall. And ever since then we've been friends.

It's not like we'd never talked before. I mean, we're in the same year in the same house, but he's always with James and I'm always with Lily, and those two don't exactly see eye to eye right now. And before that, I was rather under the impression boys had cooties.

But it was foolish of me to think that we were anything more than friends. I mean, this is Sirius Black we're talking about. Sirius "Mr. Snog-Anything-With-A-Pulse" Black. He literally had a fan club around him everywhere he went. And I don't even know if he's a virgin anymore.

No. No more thinking about Black. This year will be different. This is my sixth year, my year to get everything fun out before having to be a stressed, annoying seventh year like my brother Jake.

"Marlene!" my mother yelled from downstairs, rousing me from my inner monologue.

"What?" I yelled back down the stairs.

"Hurry up dear, come down and eat so we won't be late for the train!"

I smiled. Finally, I was going back to Hogwarts. Not that I didn't completely love my family, but I missed my friends and was actually beginning to miss_ homework_. I shuddered at the thought.

I clumsily pulled my trunk down the stairs and into the front hall. I walked into the sun-filled kitchen to see my dad and brother, sitting around our light-wooden table in the dining room. My brother was eagerly wolfing down his breakfast, as was my dad. I smiled. As much as I said I hated my brother, I knew he had my back and I had his, and I loved him.

"Well good to see you're finally up." said Jake disapprovingly, reading today's issue of the Dailey Prophet.

"I have been up, I was just thinking-" I started but Jake cut me off.

"About whom?"

"Nobody. Just things." I said, annoyed. I was in no mood for his "loving" teasing this morning.

"I wasn't sure you were capable of pondering actual intellectual things, so I just assumed." Jake said, returning to reading. Jake was a Ravenclaw and always took the opportunity to bring it up. But I was proud to be a lion.

"Oh like you're so much above me. Why don't you go back to day dreaming about your _friend _Kailey Pottsworth and we'll just be done with this little spat." I fired back. Jake's ears turned bright red and he hid his face in the newspaper.

"I don't know what you're talking about." he said quietly. I win.

"Are ya done bickerin' or do we have the pleasure of spendin' the entire mornin' hearin' this?" my dad asked.

"No." me and Jake both muttered.

"Good. Now Marley, come get somethin' in your belly."

After eating, we got to Kings Cross and went through the wall to platform 9 3/4 like every year. Then finally my mother and father thought they gave a sufficient goodbye and walked away. Then Jake ditched me for his seventh year friends.

Tosser.

"MARLENE MAUDE MCKINNON!" a voice yells from inside the train. I cringed at the usage of "Maude". Every since I was a child, I'd insisted on being only called "Marlene McKinnon", and Lily loved to use this to her advantage. Of course, she was Lily Evans, sans horrible middle name.

"Ugh Lily, you know I hate my middle name." I laugh as I tried to see where she is. I looked into a few compartments and around, but she was no where to be seen.

"In here you idiot!" She says, sticking her hair out from the compartment six from the end of the train merrily. She's always so happy to go back to Hogwarts, as I am. But I suppose she's always happy on September 1st, happy to get away from her wretched sister Petunia.

I throw my arms around her neck and pull her in for a bear hug. Lily Evans has been my best friend ever since we were nervous little first years and she found me wandering the hallway on the train and invited me to sit her compartment with Snape.

Snape. To be honest, I never really liked him. But I didn't dare tell Lily that. Even though they were not close any more due to the fact he's an ignorant Slytherin prat, I knew saying anything would cause some sort of reaction. Well, until last year after the OWLs with the "mudblood" incident. Personally, I never really cared about blood or heritage, and I didn't really think it mattered. Well, until I'd had the pleasure of meeting some of the Slytherins second year, who called me a "filthy half-blood".

I plop down next to her inside the compartment.

"I have to get to the prefect's compartment soon, but I just thought I'd say hi to my best friend whom I haven't talked to all summer." Lily said. She wore a green little sundress, which made me smile. I had missed her girly dresses, all summer I'd hung out with Jake and practiced Quidditch, and had missed her "feminine-ness" as Mary referred to it as.

"Really? You're going to leave and ditch your supposed best friend for a bunch of stuck-up pricks?" I said, pretending to be hurt.

"Oh shut up." She says laughing. "Unlike you, who is too cool to be a prefect, I enjoy the responsibilities and rewards that come with having the title. For example… I could… well I could snog anyone I want after hours because of that!"

"Oh yeah, like you would go snogging some random boy in the corridors late at night. Naughty Lily!" I said, jabbing her side.

"I could if I wanted!" she said back.

"Lily." I said. "You're even more of a prude then I am, so just shut it."

At that moment, I am greeted by the compartment door slamming open and coming face to face with James Potter. Behind him, I see Sirius and Remus.

"Hello Jelly!" says Potter, laughing and hugging me.

"James. Do. Not. Call. Me. Jelly!" I said, gritting my teeth. During 2nd year the first true conversation we had was about how much I loved grape jelly. I was too nervous around boys to be able to strike up a normal conversation between us, so I therefore embarrassed myself by describing the scientific compound of grape jelly. And ever since, James had called me Jelly.

"Whatever Jelly." He said, and turns to Lily. "Hello Lilypad!" He said merrily.

"Hello _Potter_." says Lily, not glancing up from her magazine she started to read the moment they walked in. I wish Lily wasn't so mean to James. Through all of the flirting, I can tell that he really likes her, and although he acts like it doesn't, I know it hurts him when she's so cold.

"We should be getting to the prefect's compartment." Lily says pointedly only to Remus, even though James is a prefect as well. With that, they all leave and I'm left alone with the world's most sexiest pair of eyes.

"Hey Marley." Sirius said, finally sitting down across from me. "Have a good summer?" For some reason, he seems a bit melancholy and surprisingly polite, which Sirius never is. This saddened me a bit, I wish there wasn't so much awkward air between us.

"Good enough, I guess. Though I missed Hogwarts." I said, failing at my plan to sound cool. He laughs in this short, clipped way. Fake, almost. "And yours?"

"Oh… um, great." He said, and changed the subject. "Excited for Quidditch this year?"

"Of course!" I said. I'm a chaser with James and a girl from 5th year named Amelia, and Sirius is a beater. "One of the things I really miss over the summer is Quidditch. My brother isn't on the team, but he practices with me at home. My dad never played it, and of course my mum is just confused about everything magical, but pretends not to be." I stop myself because I realize I'm talking too much, which is odd because sometimes I have no idea what to say to Sirius. My mind just goes blank occasionally when I'm around him.

We talked about trivial things for a while, Quidditch and classes and such. Eventually we fell into a comfortable silence, I reading my book and Sirius falling asleep. Casually, I looked to see if anyone was around. They weren't, so I closed my book and went to examine him.

I had never been actually this close to him before, and I'll admit it was rather unnerving. His black hair fell across his face, and I realized he had no dandruff or annoying grease. I wish I could say the same, I was plagued with the gift of dandruff from my dad, but luckily I learned a spell second year to cure it. His skin looked rough, but in a good way and his lips were soft and pink, begging to be kissed. I had to hold myself back from just kissing them right then and there, just to feel what they felt like.

The train suddenly stopped in front of the station and I scrambled to pick up my book and look like I was reading. I hoped I wasn't too red or that Sirius didn't notice.

He groggily opened his eyes and smiled. Oh god, he was so cute when he was away from other girls. When he was in the presence of his ridiculous fan club of fifth and fourth year girls, he was Sirius Black, resident bad-ass of Hogwarts. But right here, as he sat up from his reclined spot against the window and wiped the sleep out of his eyes… he looked beautifully normal.

"Sirius!" an annoying voice called. It was slaggy Hufflepuff Shannon Alister. Shannon and I were acquaintances back in first year, but then she randomly decided to spread a rumor around the school that I had back hair, and we haven't spoken since.

"Oh hello Shannon." He said, a little too flirtatious than I would have cared for. I glared at her as she pointedly ignored me.

"So me and the girls are having this party soon, only the _coolest_-" she sneered at me. "people are going. It's going to be smashing really, it's going to be a water themed party and everyone should wear their bathing suits, and we're thinking of getting some of the seventh years to conjure us up a swimming pool or something!"

Well, of course Sirius would go. A bunch of girls in bikinis? It would totally be his scene.

"I'll see." He said rather coolly. I tried to contain my laughter in watching Shannon's face attempt to hide the disappointment in the rejection of Sirius black, but unfortunately a snort came out.

But she just glared at me and stalked off.

"Hey, Marlene, there you are!" My other best friend Mary called to me. She stuck her head into the compartment, black hair flowing in front of her face. She quickly brushed it away and asked, "Aren't you going to get out?

"Hey. Uh, yeah." I said reluctantly, sensing that my time talking to Sirius was over for now.

He stood up, and muttered, "See you McKinnon." He smiled at Mary, and then left the compartment.

After he left, Mary turned to me and waggled her eyebrows.

"Oh shut it." I said, and jumped to hug her.

"Come on, let's get inside the castle before all the carriages leave you nutter." she said, laughing as she pulled away from the hug.

* * *

><p><strong>By The Fire<strong>

(Sirius Black)

Hungrily, I dug into the feast in front of me.

"Finally! I'm starving!" said Wormtail, sitting across from me. Of course he would be the one to voice his opinions about food.

I looked around the Great Hall. As much as I hated to admit it, I loved Hogwarts. It was my home.

Prongs was staring longingly at Evans who chatted to McKinnon and the other Gryffindor girls. Jesus, I needed to get him some ass, he was getting soft. Moony was reading that Muggle book about King Arthur quietly, and Wormtail was practically swallowing his dinner whole.

The Slytherins were being their usually prat selves, but I wasn't surprised. Slytherin girl Reina Doyle did wink at me, so I guess they can't _all _be horrible. But it's not like I would ever do _that_, she's practically a troll.

Dinner was boring, quite honestly, and after that all anyone wanted to do was _sleep_. I was disappointed in them. Though I let up, just simply thinking that we all needed our rest in preparation for all the pranks I was intending to pull this year.

Eventually, Prongs, Wormtail, and Moony left me and the common room was empty. I plopped down on the leather couch in front of the fire. I don't know how long I sat there, just staring into the flames, but I was derailed from my blank stare by none other then McKinnon, wandering down into the common room.

"Hello?" I asked, amused.

"Sha' up Jake-" she mumbled. "I jus' wanted some juuuice!" I was confused by this, but then I remembered her and Lily conjuring up some Muggle thing called a refrigerator, and getting some things from the house elves for a stash.

"Um I'm not Jake…" I laughed. Her eyes suddenly shot open.

"What? Wait… wh –" she said worriedly. Her eyes flicked around the room before landing on me. "Oh. Uh, hi."

"So why are you wandering down into the common rooms at night, well after bedtime? Not doing something _naughty_, are we McKinnon?" I teased, stretching my arms and putting them out across the couch top.

"Oh wouldn't you like to know." she said, smiling flirtatiously back at me.

"So aren't you going to get some?" Her face heated up. "Juice, I mean." I said innocently.

She let out a relieved sigh. "Yes, as I matter of fact I am."

"Do you always have this problem?"

"What are you talking about?" She asked, padding over to the fridge.

"Sleepwalking around the castle at night, frightening the tiny first years?" She just grinned at me and bent down.

Merlin, McKinnon had a better arse than I thought. Damn. She stood back up and walked over to the couch, carton of juice in hand.

She tipped her head back and brought her lips to the spout.

"How unladylike of you." I said. She snorted and put down the juice.

"You know me." A long pause went by before she said, "Well, what's up?"

"Nothing! Can't I just want to talk to you?" I asked, mockingly offended.

"Well… no, I suppose not. What would you like to talk about?" She asked, bringing her legs up onto the couch and crossed them. She wore a gray t-shirt and navy athletic shorts, hair sloppily up in what looked like a bun.

"Everything. Nothing. I don't really care." I said, turning back to the fire.

"How very poetic of you." She said, grinning. "When did Sirius Black become such a pansy?"

"Hey! Excuse me for wanting to talk to you!" She threw her head back in laughter, and it was then I realized how late it was.

"Are you always this loud?" She nodded vigorously. "Must be a terror to live with you."

"Ask my brother." She said. "On second thought, don't."

I laughed easily. It was nice, being like this with her. She always confused me. I thought we were friends, but then we wouldn't speak for a while. Then, the next time we did, it was slightly awkward.

But, she was one of the few people I could actually talk to.

I turned to leaning back on the couch. For a while, Marlene and I just sat comfortably in silence. Her slight breathing was a nice change from James' snoring.

I felt my eyes droop.

I woke up the next morning to the sound of Moony's laughter.

"Oi, Padfoot! Had an interesting night?" Prongs said, also laughing.

I looked down to see McKinnon, passed out on my chest. Her blond hair fanned out over me, and her body was curled up facing mine. My heart took off like a rabbit. How could she look so pretty waking up? No. McKinnon was not _pretty. _Sure she had really soft hair and nice eyes… but she wasn't the kind of pretty that GIRLS are. I watched her wake and quickly get up and run to the girl's dormitories. Her face was red as a beet.

"Padfoot, what the hell was that? Did you shag McKinnon last night?" Prongs asked, a giant grin on his face.

"We were just talking and she fell asleep on me. That was it." I said, sitting up. I was still reeling about the reaction my body had had when I saw McKinnon's angelic face…

What? _Angelic_? Who uses that word? Mooney?

"Sure. A hot girl _falls asleep _in your arms and all you do is sleep. Right Padfoot." Moony says, laughing. He crossed his arms and looked at me disapprovingly.

McKinnon? Hot? No way. She was just… McKinnon! Awkward, Quidditch-Obsessed McKinnon! She was not hot. Not hot at all.

_Then why was your heart beating so fast when you woke up next to her? _A little voice inside my head said. I quickly pushed it out and denied it.

Marlene McKinnon was _not _hot.

* * *

><p><strong>Cream Cheese<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

As Lily and I hurried to get to Transfiguration with the Ravenclaws, I began to think about the little incident that happened this morning.

How could I have fallen asleep on Sirius' chest last night? I knew from the train ride he looked gorgeous as he slept…

But I was the exact opposite! Knowing me I probably disgustingly drooled all over him.

Oh Merlin. Why am I even worrying about this? I said I was over Black. I said I was going to stay away from him.

I didn't even last a day!

"Marlene, are you ok?" Lily asked. I bet she looked perfect waking up.

See, Lily was the kind of flawless girl who _would _look good waking up. I mean, not _flawless_, but you know those girls in school that are beautiful in this really natural way? And they can be angry and riled up and still stunning? Yeah. That's Lily.

But see, unlike other girls, Lily was too kind to be hated for it. She was one of my best mates.

She definitely wouldn't have drooled though.

"Yes, fine. Just thinking, I guess." I replied, smiling. I adjusted the bag on my shoulder, and started to continue my way down the corridor.

"About Black?"

"What?" I practically yelled, whipping around to face my best friend. She grinned.

"Sorry, you just seemed so embarrassed when you came into our room last night and then I walk downstairs and I hear a story from Potter about you falling asleep on Black's lap! So I had to ask." She said. Merlin, she could see right through me.

"Fine. Yes, I have a crush on Sirius Black. But it's a tiny crush, and it'll probably be stamped out soon." I hissed, walking swifter down the hallway. But I knew that wasn't true. That's what I'd thought almost two years ago, and since then it's only swelled.

We rounded the corner and into the classroom. Most of the Ravenclaws were already there, so we had to take a seat near the back to Lily's dismay.

It wasn't long until the Marauders ran in with less then 30 seconds to spare. Professor McGonagall looked at them disapprovingly before Sirius and James sauntered to a table in front of ours, and Moony and Peter took the one far to the left.

Class started. James and Sirius wrote notes to each other and laughed the entire time like usual, and I longed to know what those notes said… also like usual.

Merlin, what I would give if a note just accidentally fluttered onto my desk…

I really needed to get over him. I mean… I was bordering on obsessive. I'm Marlene McKinnon for fucks sake! I am not some silly little schoolgirl who obsesses about some dumb boy.

I watched as Lily scribbled down notes and McGonagall turned a large wooden box into a giraffe. Class ended uneventfully and I gathered up my books and went back to the common room.

Then I went to Herbology and attempted to harvest plants with Lily, but ended up with her just yelling at me to sit down and let her get them.

I sat on a stool next to the long table and buried my face in my hands. What was wrong with me? Sirius obviously only saw me as another girl, in a parade of girls. I couldn't be that, it would kill me more than not being with him at all.

"Marls!" Lily practically shouted at me at dinner that night.

"What?" I asked, roused from my inspection of my pudding.

"Black keeps looking back here." Lily said smugly smiling at me. "Are you sure nothing happened last night?"

"Nothing happened!" I protested. "And he's not looking back here."

But she was right. The rest of the dinner I had my eye on him and he kept _looking _at me. In this way that I've never seen.

Back in bed that night I considered those looks. I mean, they couldn't have meant anything… could they? And even if they weren't random glances, he was probably just considering whether I was worth a snog this year or not. Sirius Black was not capable of thinking of girls in any other way.

Sadly, I lay down in my bed and attempted to go to sleep.

Unfortunately, a certain pair of grey eyes kept flashing through my head every time I thought I had achieved some peace.

I wondered if Sirius was down in the common room again. I had an internal fight with myself about whether or not to go downstairs. I mean, its was really awkward waking up next to him this morning, and he probably was disgusted by me and thought I was trying to act clingy or something. Trying to trap him, or something. I wouldn't put it past some of the other girls…

But the other half of my mind was longing to see him. So I acted on impulse.

He wasn't there. Just an empty common room with squishy couches, tables, windows, Lily's refrigerator and a dying fire.

It was now the second week of school and besides quick glances in the hallways, I had not seen Sirius at all. I spent most of my time doing homework and hanging out with Lily, who was pining after a seventh year Hufflepuff who I forgot the name of. I'd missed our boy stalking.

But I finally saw him yesterday after Transfiguration. He had a black eye that almost looked like it was from getting hit with an antler, and scratches on his face. He was also limping. Of course his fan club was doting on him everywhere with "Siri, are you ok?" "Oh you poor dear!" "You're so brave".

He glanced over the other girls' heads at me, but only for a moment, before returning his attention to Natalie who insisted she _knew _how to 'make it better'.

I decided to sit in between Remus and him at breakfast today, much to Lily's protests. She was forced to sit next to James, which he was quite pleased about.

"Marlene!" Remus said amicably.

"Hi Remus." I said, hugging him from behind as I sat down.

"Hi Sirius." I said, turning to him. He still looked a bit nattered, but he was acting his old self, taking the mickey out of Lily for sitting next to James.

"Oh hey McKinnon." He said distractedly.

"What's with the black eye?" I said cautiously.

"Um… guess the birds at this school are getting to me!" He said fakely.

"Uh, ok." I said, sensing that he didn't really want to talk about it. What could have happened? His eye up close was definitely hurt and there were a total of 6 different scratches on his face. I noticed that James too had a few scratches, and Remus looked like hell.

"So what's up?" Sirius said, turning to me.

"Nothing. We've got double potions today though, so I expect not to be too pleasant for long." I said, biting into my bagel.

"Bullocks. I'd almost forgotten about that. I still don't know how I got into advanced potions." He said.

"Oh well-" I began to say before Sirius interrupted.

"You've got a little cream cheese on your face." He stated before putting his thumb inches from my lips. My breath hitched in my throat as he caressed the skin the cream cheese had been on.

HOLY. SHIT. Sirius Black is touching my face. Next to my lips…

He looked into my eyes for a second and then moved his thumb away and continued eating breakfast like he hadn't just sexily touched my face.

I took a breath and tried to regain my composure, and cool my burning face. Luckily, nobody but Remus saw this happen and tried to make the situation less awkward.

"So when's Quidditch tryouts?" Oh smooth Remus. Everyone knows you don't care about Quidditch.

"I'll check with Fabian, but I think they're soon. I'm sure we'll be on the team again but still we ought to practice some more, don't you think Padfoot?" James blabbered on.

Fabian was a seventh year, captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and resident heartthrob of Hogwarts. Him and his twin brother, I mean. They're both _quite _attractive gingers, and I think Mary was completely in love with him in fifth year. But then he got a girlfriend, and she stopped coming to watch Quidditch practice.

"Err, yes." said Sirius, uncharacteristically quiet. Why was he being so quiet? Had he been disgusted with touching my face? Was there something else on it besides cream cheese?

I had to get out of there before I blurted out anything awkward.

"Uh, Lily, I, er, I mean… we need to… come with me now." I said, standing up and walking out swiftly, with her following a few paces behind.

"What the hell Marlene?" Lily said, thrusting her books into her bag as we walked up the stairs. "I mean, thanks for saving me from Potter, but what made you run out?"

"Nothing. I just… I just want to get to class early." I lie as we walk up the steps. Lily knew it was a lie but I'm grateful that she didn't bring it up.

* * *

><p><strong>10 Days Until The Full Moon<strong>

(Sirius Black)

I was bored to tears. I mean, honestly, History of Magic is almost designed for day dreaming and thinking up pranks. Like… blowing up the third floor broom closet just to piss of Filch!

No, I used that closet to often for my... meet-ups. It would end up being a bother.

How about turning Dorcas' hair green? Or making Snivellus fall in love with his reflection? Or at least teasing some firsties!

But those were all just idle ideas. It felt like I had already done all of those.

My mind drifted back to McKinnon. How she'd gotten nervous when I touched her face… how soft her cheek was… how soft her LIPS were…

Get a grip Black! I told myself. You'd decided before. You _could not _snog Marlene. I mean, McKinnon! Prongs would never forgive you for pissing off Evans' best mate. It would ruin the Gryffindor friendships, because she would want a relationship like most girls did, and you wouldn't.

Right?

"…Black?"

"What?" I said, waking from my reverie. Mary MacDonald was staring at me expectedly. "Sorry, I wasn't really listening." I said, shooting her one of my signature grins.

"Well, ok slacker." she said, unphased. I was a little hurt.

"Slacker?" I said. "I've got just as much work as you do, and I get it together on time just like you do!"

"I suppose that is true." she said, seeming to wave the discussion away. "So. Let me fill you in. You and I are supposed to do research on our family trees, for as far back as we can get information for, and even the muggle borns have to do it. Personally, I think it's just going to lead to a whole lot of rubbish from the Slytherins about blood traitors and family pride, but nonetheless…"

"When's it due?" I asked.

"Two weeks." She said absentmindedly, digging for something in her bag. When you really took the time to study her, Mary MacDonald was quite pretty. She's got the same shade black hair as mine, and a nice face. Her eyes reminded me too much of my father though, which made me almost shiver.

"You and I are supposed to help each other with research and things, I suppose. It's not like we'll have any similarities, so I can't see why he would have us have partners…"

"10 days until the full moon." Prongs said, laying on his bed after dinner and playing with that bloody snitch again.

"Don't remind me." Moony said. He too was lying on his bed, looking up at the ceiling. I felt bad for him, really. I knew how hard the full moon was on him, and it took quite a lot of arguing each time to make him settle on the fact that we were coming with him.

"I quite like it!" Wormtail piped up from his place on the floor, surrounded by food. Like usual.

"That's because you don't have to become a complete beast and endure a horrible transformation." Moony snapped. He exhaled. "Sorry Wormtail, I'm a bit tense lately. I'm taking an extra class this year, and I guess it's been getting to me."

"Oh, It's OK Moony." said Wormtail, feigning cheer.

"Whatcha' got there Wormy?" I said, bounding off the chair I was sitting in to the floor.

"Mine!" He yelled, grabbing all the food he could and attempting to run from me.

"Nevermind him." said Prongs. "Padfoot, we've got to start focusing on Quidditch. We've got to-"

"Prongs." I stopped him. "All you talk about now is Quidditch and Evans. When are we going to get back at Filch?"

"What's there to get back for?" Moony asked.

"Existing." Prongs and I said together.

"You know… Halloween is coming up!" said Prongs happily. We both grinned. I remember when we were younger at Hogwarts, we were the only kids that did some muggle thing called "trick and treating" or something that Moony told us about. Now Halloween consisted of girls in slutty costumes hit on us and drinking a shitload of firewhisky. And the party of course!

"Yes, one of the many nights a year where you and Padfoot get pissed drunk and grope fifth years." Moony said sarcastically.

"No, no no my dear Moony!" I said, flopping onto his bed next to him. "Halloween is not just another night. It's a night of costumes, random hookups without much consequence, and enough darkness to do just about anything. Plus you can't beat the chocolate! Come on Moony, everyone knows you have a thing about chocolate."

"I suppose that's the one upside…" he said sarcastically.

"Prongs, we've got to get Moony some ass." I said, getting up and sauntering over to where I was previously sitting.

"Oh definitely."

"Not that I don't appreciate the thought…" said Moony.

"Come on Moony, you really do need to go get some. Think about it… a hot girl to snog for one night, no strings." Prongs pushed.

"What about Lily? Aren't you completely loved up with her?" Moony asked.

"Well… I've been after her forever, and it's obvious she doesn't return the thought. It's about time to get over her." He said, not really meaning to convince us, but more himself.

"Whatever you say mate." I said.

I saw McKinnon exactly 4 times this entire week.

Oh Merlin, how do I know that? Usually I can't even remember how many times I've snogged certain girls.

Whatever. McKinnons hot. She's like…forbidden fruit or something. I know I can't have it so I want it more. That's all it is.

Hopefully.

Last night I'd been snogging Anna Daley from Ravenclaw, and McKinnon's face couldn't get out of my mind. I couldn't stand this.

I didn't even know her well! Just friendly conversations and a shared love of Quidditch! I just needed to find someone else to focus on.

"Hey! Black! Can you come back to earth please?" I heard Mary say.

"Oh, what? Sorry." I said uncommittedly. I couldn't stand hearing more and more about the different designs we should use for our family trees in History of Magic. Honestly, I'd done no research, and I wasn't looking forward to it.

See, my family and I don't see eye-to-eye. To put it more simply, my mother is a heartless bitch, my father is a cold, black-hearted (no pun intended) man, and my brother a wimp. And don't even get me started on my cousin Bella.

"Don't worry." Mary said, seeming to hear my thoughts. "I haven't done much research either. How about we meet in the library at… right after dinner tomorrow? Sorry if that spoils your evening conquest." she joked.

"Yeah. I did have a threesome set up, but no matter." Her eyes bulged at that. "I'm kidding." I added, her not seeming to get my joke.

She laughed. "Yeah. If it had been anyone else I would have known… but with you I'm never quite sure."

"It's OK MacDonald, I know you're just jealous." I sniffed.

"Jealous? Maybe you are jealous of me!" she said. "At least I'm not infected with diseases from the whores that agree to snog you!"

"Language please Miss MacDonald. Aren't you two supposed to be choosing a design for your trees?" Professor Bins asked. Mary's face flushed red.

"Yes sir. Sorry." She said and glared at me.

"Yes Miss MacDonald, I didn't think a saint like you could have ever uttered those words!" I added.

"I was surprised with you too." She fired back. "I thought you could use that mouth and tongue that I've heard so much about could actually be put to use for an intelligent conversation, but I guess I was incorrect."

"Well… you're a buttface!" I said back.

"Mature." She said before getting up with the rest of the class and exiting the room.

I'll admit… it wasn't my best comeback.

"What was all that about?" asked Moony, waiting for me after class.

"Just regular MacDonald."

He laughed. "I swear, you two fight just like sisters."

I glared back at him. He grinned.

Prick.

* * *

><p>AN: Like it? Hate it?

Review? Pleeeease?


	2. Friends, Fancying, and Lakes

A/N: hello! This chapter is from Dorcas Meadows point of view. I know this story is supposed to be about just Marlene and Sirius, I kind of wanted to tie it in with other relationships… you know? I got inspired! These chapters ahead will also include Remus Lupin's point of view.

And YES I promise soon there will be some more Marlene/Sirius awkward teenager scenes, they're coming up!

* * *

><p><strong>New Friends<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

I've always been a kind of non-entity.

A wallflower, some people say. But I hate that phrase and refuse to use it, especially when describing myself.

I don't really have friends either. Some people would hear that and think, "oh, sad little weird girl who can't make conversations, let's go talk to her because we pity her!". No, that's not me.

I was friends with a bunch of girls from Hufflepuff until about 3rd year when all they started talking about was guys. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those girls that says "men are stupid", I've just always found that there are more important things in life to talk about.

I'm not totally misanthropic. I've just always found the people in my year disappointing. I always thought that I could find everything I needed within the pages of a book.

But lately, I've been feeling like books aren't enough. I wanted real friends, that were there for me, sat with me during class and meals, to talk to about things. Unfortunately, I wasn't the best at putting out an open aura.

So you can see how I was surprised when Lily invited me to come sit on her bed with the other girls. My roommates were always very polite and nice, but this is the first time that I'd been pointedly included in discussion.

"…so I was saying about that Potions essay? Dreadful. I think Professor Slughorn hates me." cried Marlene, flopping down onto the bed. Mary, Lily and I were all part of the Slug Club.

"Yes I found it rather challenging, didn't you Dorcas?" said Mary, looking at me.

"Please, call me Doe or Cas. I simply hate my full name. And I did." I replied, making sure not to seem cold. These girls were nice enough to invite me into their conversation, I might as well talk. "But I found it quite interesting. I'd really never been that excited about potions until we learned about Polyjuice Potion back in third year. And ever since then it's been my favorite class."

Oh Merlin, now they must think I'm some weirdo who's in love with books.

Then again… I kind of am.

" Really? I've loved it since first year. Honestly, the only thing I really struggle with is Transfiguration." Lily said, surprising me with how into her studies she was. I knew that she was at the top of our class with me and Remus and some Ravenclaws, but it was nice to know that someone else actually enjoyed potions.

"Anyway, enough of this talk about schoolwork." Mary said. "I want to gloat about the date I have Saturday!"

To my surprise, talking about boys wasn't as excrutiating as I remember it being back when I tried it in third year. Mary talked for a while about this Hufflepuff named John and Lily talked about hating James. Lily had also mentioned something about Sirius to Marlene, but she simply brushed it off.

For once since the end of last year, I went to bed happy. I'd actually succeeded in sounding normal. And maybe I could actually make friends with the girls I went to sleep next to every night.

The next morning, Lily woke me up when she woke up the other girls.

"Dorca-I mean-Cas. We're all getting ready now, you coming to breakfast?" she asked over my bed.

"Um, yeah. Thanks." I said. I changed quickly and packed my bag. I sat on my bed and waited for the other girls to get ready.

"Why do you use that?" I asked Marlene.

"This?" She waved the tube in front of my face. "This is mascara! It's a girl's best friend! Oh wow, Cas." Then she stopped smiling.

I laughed to make sure she knew I understood she was joking. "Sorry! You would look pretty natural, I think."

She stared at herself in the mirror for a second, but then finished the other eye. Mary finally finished dressing and we all went down to breakfast.

* * *

><p>"Good morning boys!" Said Marry sitting down next to James Potter. She beckoned for me to come sit down, so I did.<p>

"And a happy Halloween to you to!" cried Sirius Black, who was sitting on the other side of James.

"Halloween? Really, you're already worrying about that?" Marlene said, sitting opposite James with Lily.

"Worrying? No. More like preparing for a storm. An amazing, bone-crushing, hangover-making storm!" Sirius said gleefully.

"It's less than two weeks away." I said. Merlin, that sounded dumb. Of course it was two weeks away Miss I-State-The-Obvious!

"And that's not nearly enough time to prepare!" James cried.

"You know if you put half as much effort into your schoolwork as you do thinking of trivial things, you wouldn't be so rubbish at potions." Lily said, munching on her Owl-Os.

"I'm not rubbish at potions!" James protested back. "I've got Acceptable in that class."

Lily scoffed. "Exactly." she said. Why was she picking a fight with someone she claimed to care about less than a speck of dirt on her shoe?

For the rest of breakfast, I just listened. It was nice to be part of a conversation at breakfast, even if I wasn't saying anything.

* * *

><p>I'd gotten half way to Transfiguration when I realized I'd left the textbook in the Great Hall. After I'd ran and got it, I'd walked the rest of the way that awkward half-way hallway length behind Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.<p>

"Oi, Padfoot." Remus said quietly.

"What mate?"

"Who was that girl sitting next to Mary at breakfast this morning?" He asked.

Did he not know I was behind them? Or did he know and he was just about to say something mean…?

"Who? Oh! Dorcas, you mean?"

Whoa. Sirius Black knew my name? Weird.

"Oh. Is that her name?"

"Why do you inquire?" Sirius Black said, twiddling his wand between his fingers.

"Just curious. I like to know the names of the people I sit with at breakfast, is all." Remus said, looking at his feet.

"You don't have to lie to me mate. I saw you checking her out when she walked in!" Sirius said, snickering.

Remus was about to protest, but then they had entered the Transfiguration classroom. I made sure to wait a bit before entering, so they wouldn't know I was behind them. Luckily, I walked in just before I was late.

I took my usual seat next to that quiet Ravenclaw I didn't know the name of. As Professor McGonagall started her lesson, I pushed the conversation I had overheard out of my mind.

That night, I'd gotten back to the dorm exhausted. I sank into bed, and thought about my day.

Could Sirius be right? Was Remus Lupin actually… what did he say? "Checking out"? Must be a muggle thing.

But anyway, what would Remus Lupin want with me? He was patient and kind, and frankly, to quote Mary, completely hot.

And I was, of course, none of those things.

* * *

><p><strong>See Moony, I Told You You Fancied Her!<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

I sat at my favorite table in the corner of the library, right next to the Defense Against the Dark Arts Section. I loved it here, as it was it was quiet and perfect for long days pouring over volumes. I glanced over to the table four away from me, right next to the shelves of books having to do with famous wizards. And there she was.

I'd seen her other times there, but before it'd just be that pretty girl in the library, in the common room, sitting alone at the end of the table, in class. It's weird, she's been in so many of my common places, but she'd just been there.

Not anymore. After that breakfast, never. It had been 4 days, and I'd already resorted to stalking her in the library!

It'd been like a regular morning in October, listening to Padfoot and Prongs discuss Halloween. Mary had sat down like she always does, but then she waved to that girl, and I looked up to see who she was waving to.

And there she was. She had blond hair, though not as golden as Mary's. It was a dirty blond, and it was straight. Straight, but not in the artificial way most girls' hair looked. She didn't wear makeup. But what was really striking about her was her eyes. They were electric blue.

I watched her for a while, taking little breaks to attempt to work on my transfiguration essay. After a while, I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed my book, walked to her table and sat down.

"Hi." I said, trying to keep my voice steady.

"Hello Remus." she said dreamily, continuing to scribble notes on a piece of parchment.

"You know my name?" I asked dumbly.

"Why of course I do." said Dorcas. "You're Remus Lupin. You're in my year and we're both Gryffindors. It's you who doesn't know my name."

"I know your name!" I said. "It's Dorcas Meadows."

"Wow, I'm impressed! And here I thought no one in Gryffindor knew of my existence!" she said sarcastically. "Actually, no. I shouldn't say that. My roommates have been very polite to me over the years. And please, call me Doe or Cas or any other nickname, but not Dorcas. I hate my name."

"Why have you never sat with us during breakfast before?" I blurted out. Whoa Remus, steady. You haven't gotten this nervous around a girl since third year!

"I don't know really." she said, putting down her quill and looking at me. "I guess I've always been a bit of a loner. But lately me and my roommates have been bonding, and I've been liking it."

After that, she went back to writing. I suddenly realized a piece of her hair was trailing across my forearm. I shivered.

We sat there in silence for a while, her taking notes and I trying to write my essay. But all I could think about what how her hair was on my arm. It was everything I could think about, blocking everything else out.

"Listen, Remus, I've got to go." she suddenly said, standing up and beginning to collect her belongings from the table.

"It's alright. Would you like me to return those?" I said, pointing at the books scattered across her table.

"Oh thank you, yes." She said smiling. "Bye Remus."

When she was halfway out of the library, I saw her look back and smile out of the corner of my eye.

I could have jumped for joy.

* * *

><p>I hate waking up after a full moon.<p>

This one had been a particularly less-horrible one then others though. I woke up with minimal scratches and bites, but James and Sirius hadn't been hurt like last time.

I hated the fact that I could hurt them. They had done so much for me, and I didn't even remember hurting them until I woke up and saw them healing themselves after breakfast. Why they couldn't do it before breakfast was just answered with, 'a black eye looks sexy Moony, all the girls will be itching to make the pain go away!'

This time I had woken up to the sight of Peter eating a bar of chocolate.

"Oh hey Remus. You're awake!" he squeaked.

"Hi Wormtail. What time is it?" I asked.

"About twelve. I'll go tell Healer Halloway that you've woken." Peter said, jumping off the stool he'd been sitting in next to my bed.

I really did like Peter, even though everyone made fun of him. Even though he could be annoying and gluttonous, he was as good a friend as anyone had ever been to me.

I was just happy it was Friday, and that tomorrow I could be normal again. I'd probably watch James and Sirius attempt to make many different complicated costumes before they'd give up and make a dumb costume roping Peter and I into it.

The door suddenly opened, and Sirius walked in.

"Ah, good, you're awake." he said. Before he could say anything more, Healer Halloway strode in with Peter close behind.

"Alright Mr. Lupin, how are we feeling today?" she asked, peering down at me.

"Great, actually. Do you think I can leave?" I asked hurriedly.

After taking a bunch of really boring tests, I was finally released.

* * *

><p>"Come on mate!" Sirius practically yelled, grabbing my arm. Peter scuttled after us.<p>

"Where are you dragging me to?" I asked, trying to keep up with him.

"Defense against the Dark Arts mate! James got put with Lily and you're with me and I don't want to miss this class!" He said, pulling me along.

"Whoa. Sirius Black not wanting to miss a class… this will go down in history."

He scoffed and we ran into the classroom.

Class went by pretty quickly, and then I found myself walking down the corridors to the Gryffindor common rooms.

"So. How's life going Moony?" Sirius inquired. It was almost… polite. Something must be up.

"Er… fine." I said.

"Don't think I've forgotten about getting you some ass on Halloween." He said, smirking. Oh so that's what this was about.

"No, really Padfoot, I don't need you meddling in my life." I said. "Every time you try to 'help' with something, it ends up a bigger mess then it was in the first place. I forbid you to do anything."

He just grinned at me.

Bugger.

* * *

><p>I should never have come.<p>

The sun was too hot, the water was too cold. I should be inside, reading some King Arthur and eating chocolate. It was too hot for October.

But no. I was out by the Black Lake with Sirius and James, Peter no was where to be found. Lucky git.

They had dragged me out there so they could talk to me about 'something', but here I was sitting up against a tree while they threw pebbles into the lake.

I was about to get up when I saw Marlene and Doe walking down the path. Behind them were some Hufflepuff girls and a few Ravenclaw boys. Why were they here?

"Hey!" said Marlene when she saw us "Remus! James!"

I waved, and I thought I saw Sirius stiffen. When they got down to where we were, the Hufflepuff girls started talking to Sirius (of course), but he wasn't really paying attention. James and Marlene where talking to a Ravenclaw named Benjy Fenwick. After finishing a conversation with one of the girls, Doe sat down next to me.

I had to catch my breath after her sitting so close to me. She smelled like mangos, for some reason.

"Hey Remus." she said.

"Hey Dorcas." I said, just to annoy her. She groaned.

"Remus! Don't call me that!"

"Ok Doe." I said, laughing. She looked at me for a minute and then leaned back against the tree I was leaning on.

She was wearing muggle clothes because it was Saturday. Even though it was October, she was wearing a pair of jean cut-offs and a white v-neck. I couldn't help buy notice how well she filled out her shirt…

Merlin, Remus, GET A GRIP! You do not ogle women like that. I breathed sharply, and I think she noticed. But all she did was look at me questioningly, and then closed her eyes. For a while we just sat there, leaning against the tree listening to the people around us. James went to find Lily, and at some time I thought I saw Sirius sneak off with Marlene, and eventually the others got bored and left.

By the afternoon it was just me and her. The sun was past it's sweltering mid-day position, and was now in that perfect getting-ready-to-set state. I glanced at Doe. I thought she was asleep, until randomly, eyes still closed, she said, "I've never been here before."

"You've never been to the Black Lake?" I said, surprised. I thought everyone had been down here at one time or another.

"Well, I had once quickly in second year, but then I never really took time to appreciate it. And starting the middle of third year, I didn't really explore anywhere except occasionally Hogsmeade."

"Why?" I said simply.

"I don't really know." She said, opening her eyes and looking at me. "I'm sad about it though. This place really is beautiful when you stop to take in the beauty in it. Like the way the trees curve over, just barely touching the lake. And how there's sand, almost reminiscent of a beach. Beaches are lovely."

She stopped, like she was remembering something painful. I wished I could make it go away.

"The way the light bends through the cracks of the trees. The way the roots were almost designed for us to be comfortable against them. The way the warm water laps up onto the shore, and how you could technically walk almost a mile in and still be only up to your calves because of all the rocks. Everything here is beautiful." She said, looking out over the water.

"Even you." She added, almost quiet enough to not hear over the sounds of the giant squid making waves crash against the rocks.

"You're very poetic." I said quietly.

"I guess." She said non-commitedly. "I guess I've just read enough literature to know that words are the most valuable form of magic, even for muggles." She straightened up, as though shaking herself from her thoughts. "What's it like being friends with the Marauders?"

"Well obviously you've heard of us, I mean we are the 'coolest kids in Hogwarts'." I said, smirking.

"Shut it." she said laughing. "Really, I mean. It seems like you guys are very close. What's it like?"

"Well, Sirius is a right git, and James is a prat. And Peter-" I started.

"Oh, stuff it." she said. "You can pretend all you want to be all macho, but I can tell you all care for each other very much."

"Why do you say it like that?" I asked. "Like you…"

"Don't have friends?" she asked.

"No, no" I said quickly.

"Oh. Sorry." she said. flipping her blond hair over her shoulder so it wouldn't get in her face. She picked up a rock and held it in her palm. "I don't know. Like I said before in the library, for a while now, I've been kind of closed off, I guess. It's just nice to have people I can really talk to."

I smiled. Did she mean me? Or just her roommates.

"Well you can talk to me any time." I said, just so she would know.

"Good." she said softly. She then got up from where she was sitting and sat right down next to me. She then put her head on my shoulder, and I swear my heart skipped a beat.

Merlin, did I really just say "skipped a beat"? If Sirius ever heard that I swear he would never let me forget it. Who am I, muggle Cinderella?

* * *

><p>Me, <em>Remus Lupin, <em>was sitting at the Black Lake _alone _with a beautiful girl. She was resting her head on my shoulder, playing with a thread on her shorts. We both were still leaning up against the large willow tree, and our legs were both out, her shoes touching mine. I could have sat there forever.

But unfortunately, I saw Marlene and Sirius emerging from the trees looking way more put together from when Sirius usually returns from somewhere with a girl. Embarrassed, I tried to look anywhere but Sirius, because he was without a doubt mocking me. I looked at Doe.

Despite Sirius' eyebrows practically having a spasm and him holding in a laugh, Doe didn't look embarrassed at all. When Marlene finally got to her and told Sirius they were going back to the castle, she just smiled at me.

"It's nice talking to you Remus." she said. "See you." And started back up the path with Marlene close behind.

"Bye Marlene!" Sirius said, rather enthusiastically.

"See you Sirius." She said casually, turning and following Doe up the hill.

We both stared after them for a while before Sirius sighed and sat down on the other side of me.

"See Moony, I told you you fancied her." He said, smirking.

"I do not fancy her!" I protested. "Besides, what were you and Marlene doing anyway?"

"Just talking." He said. I sensed an underlying tone of disappointment. "I know enough to not try to hit so close to home."

He started to pull a pack of cigarettes from his jean pocket and light one with his wand. I watched as he inhaled and then as he exhaled, a long stream of smoke cast itself into the atmosphere.

"I wish you wouldn't smoke those things." I said. The smell nauseated me, and usually Sirius knew well enough to not smoke around me.

"Sod off." He said. But he still tossed the rest of it onto the ground and stamped it out.

There we sat, talking about trivial things like Quidditch and such until it was time for dinner. All in all, I'd say it had been a good day.

* * *

><p>Before I fell asleep that night, I couldn't help thinking about her. I liked the way her head felt against my shoulder, and how once and a while her foot would flop over and hit mine. I liked the way she spoke of things with such thought, how she didn't look over details most others did. I liked how…<p>

Oh Merlin.

I was doomed.

* * *

><p><strong>Never Better<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

"Cas, what are you being this year for Halloween?" I asked, flopping down onto the bed. Cas and I had agreed to wait for Lily and Mary to go down to breakfast, but I was immediately regretting it.

"I'm not sure." The blond said, fiddling with her bag strap. I don't know why Lily had invited Cas to join the conversation that one night, but I'm glad she did. It was nice getting to know Cas, she seemed like a genuinely good person, and I think it's a shame we didn't talk to her sooner. Also, Mary said something about corrupting her. Which could also be fun.

"You're going to the party, right?" I asked.

"I don't think there's any avoiding it." she said. "It is happening downstairs."

"You don't like parties? I should have guessed."

"What?" she said, looking fakely offended. "I'll have you know that I am a complete party animal."

"Oh yes." I said sarcastically. "You really go wild don't you? You might even read a… GASP… 'Over 13' book once and while!"

She laughed and threw a pillow at my head. It's weird, we'd only started really talking less than two weeks ago, but from all the late-night studying in the library and deep conversations back in the dorm, I felt like she was getting comfortable with us.

"Is there something going on between you and Sirius Black?" she asked, playing with the strap of her bag.

"Why would you say that?" I asked nonchalantly.

"It's just the fact that you get all nervous around him, and how you and him stare at each other but look away as soon as the other looks. Just… the way you two act around each other." she said.

"Well-" I started

"OK we're ready!" Lily said, bounding out of the bathroom with Mary.

"Do you like it?" Mary said, twirling. Her hair was curled and she had some makeup on.

"You look great Mary." I said irritably. "Can we get some food now? You know how I get without my cinnamon toast in the morning!"

* * *

><p>Incidentally, we ran into James and Sirius on the way.<p>

"Hello Lily-love! How are you this fine morning?" James said cheerily, linking with Lily.

"Horrible now that I've seen _you_." she said, taking back her arm from him.

"Oh come now Lily, I know you're secretly in love with me, there's no need to fight it." he said.

"Ok Potter, just keep telling yourself that." she said, striding ahead of him into the Great Hall.

"Until Transfiguration girls!" Sirius said. Mary just rolled her eyes and went to catch up with Lily.

I hoped Doe didn't see me blush.

* * *

><p>The next day I woke up to the sounds of Lily and Mary bustling around our room with various pieces of cloth.<p>

"What in Merlin's name are you _doing_?" I asked sleepily.

"Making our Halloween costumes of course!" she said cheerily. I saw Mary's head pop up from her position on the floor.

"Mar, have you even considered what you're being yet?" she said.

"Naw, I think I'll just be a _Hippogriff_!" I teased.

"I hope to god that you're kidding." she said, exasperated.

"I don't understand what the big deal of Halloween is." said Doe sleepily. I guess she had been still asleep too. "In the muggle world, Halloween is a time to imagine werewolves and vampires and other magical creatures exist! So if we have all of those things in the wizard world, why bother?"

"Because!" Lily said, sitting down. "It's fun."

"And it's always nice to be able to dress a little more adventurously…"

"You mean slutty." I said. Lily and Doe started howling and Mary just jumped up onto my bed.

"Come on, get up!" she said, taking my pillow.

"I don't want to get up!" I practically yelled back. "It's Saturday, there's no need to ever wake up."

After much arguing from Lily and Mary, Doe and I decided to take a walk after breakfast and "brainstorm costume ideas".

* * *

><p>We ended up talking to some Hufflepuff girls and a few Ravenclaw boys, who suggested we should walk by the Black Lake.<p>

Halfway down the path, I could see a head of light brown hair that looked exactly like Remus.

"Hey!" I yelled down the hill. "Remus! James!" It may have been my imagination, but I thought Sirius definitely noticed I didn't say his name. I was probably just hoping that.

"Hi!" said James to Benjy Fenwick, a Ravenclaw and I.

"Hey Jamsie!" I said. Benjy laughed.

"So where's Lily on this fine morning?" he said, looking around.

"Oh. I understand." I said looking down. "I'm obviously not good enough for you…"

James laughed and grabbed my waist.

"Don't say that Jelly. You know I love you!" he said, laughing.

After that, James ran off to find Lily (I think) and Benjy walked away.

"Hey." Sirius said, walking down to where I stood.

"Hi." I said quietly. With that, we walked down close to the water together in a comfortable silence.

"So." he said, kicking a rock over with his barefoot. It looked like it hurt.

"So how's Hogwarts so far?" I asked, taking off my shoes.

"What're you doing?" he asked, looking at my feet.

"Taking off my shoes of course!" I scoffed. "I want to wade."

"How far?' he asked, looking at my feet. I was wearing a pair of jean shorts I had gotten over the summer because it was still very hot for October.

"However far I want!" I said, quickly throwing my head over and gathering my hair in a messy bun. I also rolled up the sleeves of the cardigan I was wearing over my white tanktop and stepped into the water.

"Fuck it's cold!"

"Of course it's cold!" He said, laughing. He was handsome when he laughed. "It's bloody October."

"How are your feet not frozen to the bone?" I asked, looking down at his normally colored feet. Mine were bound to turn purple sometime soon.

"I dunno, I'm probably so sexy and hot I don't even feel it!" He said, walking farther into the lake.

"Oh shut it Black!" I said, laughing. I ran up to where he was and nudged him with my shoulder. Eventually, we got into a full-out pushing war resulting in both of us being thrown into the water.

"Bloody hell it's cold!" Black yelped as he came up from the water.

"Oh, look who's talking now!" I shouted back. He soon got up and held out his hand to help me up. Then we walked back to shore where we sat on a particularly thick patch of grass in the sun.

"So… what are we going to do about this James being in love with Lily thing?" I said, wringing out my cardigan.

"I dunno. James is in love with her. Lily despises him. It's quite sad actually." Sirius said casually.

"Tell me about it."

"That's why I don't believe in love." Sirius said.

"You don't?" I asked. I tried not to sound disappointed. I mean, I don't really believe in love at first sight or fireworks or any of that nonsense...but -

"Nope. That's why I only hook up with girls. But then they all want a relationship and then it becomes a hassle. I just never stick around long enough to find that out." He said the last part almost quietly, like he regretted saying it.

Maybe I was imagining that too.

This I already knew of course, but it was a lot different actually hearing him say it. That's when I realized if I actually tried with Sirius, it would end up with my heart broken.

Because with Sirius, for me, it would never be casual.

"Why are we just sitting here waiting for our clothes to dry?" Sirius suddenly asked. "We're wizards!"

"Oh, right." I said. I did the hot air charm, and then our clothes were both dry and warm again.

"Are you alright?" Sirius asked, sensing that my mood had changed.

I smiled fakely. "Never better." I said.

* * *

><p>It was three days until Halloween, and the castle was already preparing for the night. Most of the fifth, sixth, and seventh years prepared for whatever giant party the Marauders would decide to throw on that fateful night.<p>

What you've got to know about Marauder parties is that they're _legendary_. The first time I ever had firewhisky was last year at the Halloween party. There's a cocktail of drugs, alchohol, and teenage hormones. Not to mention the lights get turned down and there's no years under fifth invited, _and _they play this muggle music called dubstep, which makes everyone feel a bit sluttier.

"Marlene? Are you listening?" Mary said, waving her hand in front of my face. We were seated down for dinner that night, and I had zoned out once I heard the word _potions_.

"Hm? yes of course!" I said. Lily laughed.

"Anyway." Mary said. "Lily and I are going as fairies and we think you should too." Cas groaned from her seat across from me.

"Alright." I said. Everyone stared at me. "What?"

"I just didn't expect you to actually agree. Great!" Mary said, clapping her hands.

"Traitor." Cas said to me. I smiled my cheesiest smile.

Back up in the room, Mary showed me my costume.

It was a light blue tank top with a pair of paper-thin fairy wings on the back. Lily had bewitched them to flap whenever you wanted them too. They were paired with light blue shorts and light blue leggings. Mary took it upon herself to describe to me the makeup she was going to use to make me look like, "a real life fairy! With a matching outfit!" Cas' was the same except it was green. It almost looked like that fairy Mary liked in the muggle world, what was her name? Tinkerbell?

"So…" Lily said casually. "Planning on hooking up with anyone on All Hallow's Eve?"

"I dunno." Mary answered, hanging up our costumes in the closet. "Whatever happens… happens!" she said happily.

Lily looked at Cas.

"I do-on't know." Cas stuttered, looking down. "I haven't really got much experience with boys."

"That's not what I thought when I saw you with Remus today!" I teased, sitting next to her on her bed. She blushed bright red.

"What happened today with Remus!" Mary practically shouted, pouncing on her.

"Nothing! God!" Cas said. "We were just talking down by the lake. _Talking!_" she added when she saw Mary's gleeful face. "That's all."

"Do you like him?" Lily asked. Cas blushed harder.

"I don't know… I guess…" she said quietly.

"Awwwww Cas!" Mary said, hugging her. "You're so cute. And you so obviously like Remus. You should dance with him at the party."

"Don't." Lily argued. "Have you ever been to a Marauder Halloween party?" Cas shook her head. "Well, the dancing there isn't really… dancing, per se…"

"It's like… grinding. It's casual and stuff." Mary said.

"Oh… well I don't…"

"Plus Remus doesn't dance." I said. "He doesn't grind either. Promise." she relaxed a little at that.

"What about you Marls?" Lily said, looking at me.

"I don't know. Listen, I've kind of got something to tell you guys." I said.

"What?" Mary asked, looking at me excitedly.

"Before I say this, just know that you don't have to tell me that I shouldn't and I'm going to get hurt. Because I know all that. So… I like Sirius. And I honestly wish I didn't, but I do, and I've tried to stop it, but it never works." I let out with a sigh.

"Oh honey we've known that since the beginning of last year." said Mary, laughing.

"So you want to hook up with him on Halloween?" Cas asked.

"Not really. I mean, yeah, of course, he's bloody gorgeous. But then I would just be another girl in his parade of girls. Plus, it doesn't really feel casual with him. And Halloween is for casual hook-ups." I said.

* * *

><p>About an hour of girl talk later, we all retired to our beds, tired. But unfortunately, I could not get one certain very handsome individual out of my mind.<p>

I couldn't. I _had _to distance myself from Sirius. If I let my emotions out, then I would become just another desperate Hufflepuff fangirl who was trailing after him everywhere he went.

The only problem was, whenever he came 'round, I always smiled like an idiot. I had to be strong, guarded. For my own good.

Damn you Sirius Black.

* * *

><p><strong>A Bumpy Ride<strong>

(Sirius Black)

"We could be our animagus forms!" said Wormtail.

"Rubbish." Prongs said. "Plus I don't want to wear antlers."

We all sat in the dorm, the night before Halloween trying to think of possibly we could be. Moony had told us that we shouldn't have waited this long, but honestly, we've never been much of planners for anything but pranks.

We'd gone through almost everything. Mummies, vampires, even werewolves (much to Moony's irritation). But nothing seemed cool enough. Of course, the costumes couldn't be too expensive because of the fact that through the party we would be…

Busy, to put it lightly.

"Mates, why is this even that important?" Moony said tiredly, rubbing his head. He was currently seated in the table he'd brought in, hunched over a book. He'd complained forever about the library and common room being to loud, so in fifth year Prongs and I had levitated one of the smaller tables from the common room up to the dorm just so he would shut up.

"Moony, it's Halloween. I'm tired of trying to make you remember the importance of us on Halloween. We're practically the makers of it around here, so we obviously have to be something good!" Prongs said, pacing.

"Prongs, mate, chill." I said, sitting on his bed propping my feet up against the bed post. "We'll think of something. And people won't even care what we are, the blokes will care if we've got firewhisky and the girls will just be preoccupied by our charm and looks."

Moony rolled his eyes. I threw a pillow at him.

"Look, I'm going for a walk." Prongs said, grabbing his wand and invisibility cloak and the map.

"Far be it from me to pay attention to curfew, but it's midnight. And there's nothing even to do? Why are you going out?" I asked sitting up.

"I just need some air." Prongs said shortly, and walked out of the dorm.

Moony looked at me questioningly.

"Don't ask me mate." I said, lying back down. There was definitely something going on with Prongs lately. He'd been stressing and _pacing_, which is something he never did. He was always my partner in crime, and lately he'd just been all over the place.

Though I couldn't straight out ask him about it. I don't know why, it would just be awkward. We didn't talk about feelings. That was more Moony.

"Oi! I've got an idea!" Moony said, standing up and knocking the gigantic smarty-pants book he had been reading. "We could be the Beatles!"

"You mean that muggle band that your mum listens to?" Peter asked. Moony nodded his head.

"Oh! You mean the chaps from Liverpool? Aren't they not together anymore?" I asked.

"Yeah, they're the best!" said Moony. "We'd just need black suits and ties and stuff, it's a pretty easy costume-"

"And we could look _fit!_" I said.

"I suppose." Moony said. I was floored.

"WHAT? Intelligent Remus Lupin cares about looks besides looking like his mother dressed him everyday?" I practically screamed over Peter cracking up. "Who'd that be for…?"

"It's not _for _anyone… exactly." He said, adding the last part quietly.

"Could it be for a certain blond Gryffindor?" I asked, teasing him.

"You mean Marlene?" He said back, smirking at me.

"Touché." I said, surrendering. "Alright. I'm going to bed. I need my beauty sleep."

"Me too." said Peter, jumping into bed.

When I came back, Moony was no where to be found. I went to the common room to see if Prongs had come back, and saw Moony sitting with that certain blond Gryffindor I'd teased him about moments ago. But instead of going in and taking the mickey out of both of them, I decided I could wait till the morning.

As much as it pains me to admit it, but Moony really deserves a girl. He's been through so much and it's nice to see him acting like a regular bloke.

* * *

><p>The next morning I woke up extremely happy.<p>

It was Halloween of course.

When I got out of bed, I saw that Prongs and Peter leaving the dorm.

"Oi!" I shouted to them. "Were you lot ever going to wake me up?"

Prongs grinned. "Sorry, we were hungry. And I'd not choose to put up with an angry dog so early in the morning."

"Fine, just leave. I'll be down in a minute." I said, walking to the bathroom. They left.

After I finally got breakfast, next was Divination. Personally, I liked Divination, just simply because it was hilarious trying to think up horrific things that could happen to me, and having Professor Starius give me good marks for them.

Class proceeded uneventfully. Finally, it ended and Prongs jumped up to tell people about the party. It was to be in the common room, but we wanted other houses to come. We found a second year, Ted something to stand outside and let people in. He about pissed his pants that we were even talking to him, so I'm sure he won't let us down.

"Ladies?" Prongs said to McKinnon, MacDonald, Evans and that Dorcas girl Moony fancied. "Will you be attending our little get together?"

I walked up behind him to hear MacDonald saying, "Obviously. It's in _our _common room anyway."

And then McKinnon looked at me. But it wasn't the way she usually does, much less _any _girl except Evans, MacDonald and Meadows (that was her last name, right?). It was in this way of… unimportance. As if I didn't matter at all.

"Good." I said, flashing her a grin. "And we'll have plenty of… refreshments. You girls are coming in _costume _right?" I teased. McKinnon didn't laugh.

"Don't be gross Black." said MacDonald. "we're not skanks. We won't be showing up in the slutty outfits the Hufflepuffs are obviously planning."

"I wasn't even thinking about that!" I said, hurt. "Jeez MacDonald, get your head out of the gutter!"

"Anyway." McKinnon finally said. "We're going to lunch now. Nice talking to you James." Then she looked at me. "Black." she said with disdain. She turned on her heal and strode out of the classroom, the other girls close behind.

* * *

><p>I was never so glad for a party. It was the perfect thing to get me off of thinking about McKinnon. Why was she even angry? The last time we spoke had been quite fun and enjoyable. Had I said something to make her positively detest me?<p>

Maybe it was just hormonal.

Girls.

The feast had been delicious, as always, but I couldn't help noticing how McKinnon didn't look at me once.

I was now back in our dorm, getting into our costumes. Moony had cleverly gotten us some suits and ties and everything, and we all had dress shoes for those dumb dances Hogwarts makes us go to.

"Whoa." Prongs said, looking in the mirror. "I look fit."

"Oh come off it." I said, also looking at how I looked. "We all know I'm the hottest of the group." I surveyed myself. I had a white dress shirt and black slacks and shoes. Then I had a black tie and a black suit jacket. I didn't think anyone would get who we were, but I supposed it didn't matter.

We got down to the common room and put the copious bottles of firewhisky on the table. The lights were turned down and everyone from Gryffindor started emerging from their dorms.

"Hold on mate." Prongs whispered to me as the room started filling. "It's going to be a bumpy ride…"

* * *

><p>AN: Review? Pleeeeease?


	3. Halloween, Kissing, and Sweaters

**A Confusing Night**

(Marlene)

Oh Merlin. I had really done it know.

-(flashback)-

_He looked so hot in his suit… why did he have to wear that?_

_Why did he have to tease me like that!_

_He saw me looking, and started to walk towards me. Ok Marlene, don't panic._

_"Hi McKinnon." He said in his hot manly voice. NO! His voice was not hot or manly. Bad Marlene._

_"Hello." I said curtly._

_"Why're you mad a' me?" He said, his words slightly slurred. No doubt he'd already had a shitload to drink._

_"What? I'm not mad at you." I said. I was leaning against the wall closest to the portrait. He leaned on his arm holding him up against the wall. I was so close to him._

_He smelled like firewhisky and cigarettes and leather._

_It kind of turned me on._

_MARLENE! STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM THAT WAY!_

_"See, me thinks yah are." He said, laughing a bit. "What'd I do?"_

_"You haven't done anything… just…" Oh Merlin. Maybe I'd had too much to drink too. My mind was going a bit fuzzy._

_"Cuz I'm real real sorry. I like you McKinnon." He said, looking at me. "You're a nice girl."_

_"I'm not a nice girl." I said suddenly angry. Why did he think of me as this saint? I grabbed the bottle he was holding and took a swig._

_"Yes yah are." He said. His eyes pierced mine, and we looked at each other. His face seemed to be getting closer to mine._

_"Sirius Black, you don't know a thing about me." I said, stumbling a bit against the wall._

_"I do though." He said. His face was now dangerously close to mine, which sobered us both up. "You're beautiful and smart and love Quidditch and are rubbish at potions. And I can't stop thinking about you." Our noses were now touching._

_Suddenly, his lips crashed onto mine. We kissed like this until I opened my mouth and his tongue slid against my bottom lip. He nibbled on my top lip and then our tongues melded together. I then bit down on his bottom lip. Hard, and then pulled away. I then went back to kissing. He moaned._

_It was literally the hottest sound I had ever heard, and my heart started beating even faster than it had been before._

_We made out for some amount of time. I have no idea how long it actually was, but it was over too fast. My hands were through his hair and the back of his neck, and he had taken his hand against the wall. He was now shoving me up against the wall, both hands on my hips._

_"Padfoot!" I heard a voice from really far away. He then pulled away._

-(end flashback)-

I sat up too fast, and my head threatened to fall off. Thankfully October 31 fell on a Friday, and I could spend the day in bed.

Dejectedly, I slammed my head back onto the pillow. As much as I hated to admit it, that was the best kiss I had ever had. The hottest kiss ever.

I touched my lips. They felt swollen, but I knew I was just imagining it. I remembered how dark the room was, how warm he was and how cold the wall at my back was. How he'd said I was beautiful and he couldn't stop thinking about me.

But I also remembered how he'd stumbled away into the crowd after it had ended. I remembered how drunk he'd been and he probably wouldn't even remember it. How he'd probably hooked up with a thousand other girls that night.

The thought of that made me sicker than the powerful smell of eggs, bacon and sausage wafting from the common room.

I sat up (carefully and slowly this time) and went out to see what idiot would be awake at 9 AM after a party like the one last night.

"Oi, Mary!" I called as I walked down the stairs. Her black hair was extremely recognizable, as was the fact that she was the only insane person on the planet who enjoys eating to make a hangover go away. How she managed this I still have no idea.

"Hi honey." she said as I sat down next to her. I put my head on her shoulder, trying not to vomit from the egg she was splitting.

"Where's the food from?"

"Nicked it from the kitchens." she said, grinning. A tear fell from my face and I realized I was crying. Mary did too.

"What's wrong?" She asked as I picked my head up from her shoulder.

"Last night…" I began.

"What happened?" she asked, widening her eyes. "Did you have sex with someone?"

"Mary! No!" I said loudly, which warranted my head to start spinning again.

"Did you kiss someone?" she asked excitedly, her dark brown eyes staring at me intently. I just looked away.

"Marlene! Who was it?" I only cried harder.

"Marlene." She said, bringing me to the couch in the common room. She sat down and I laid my head in her lap. Her hands combed through my knotted blond hair. "Who?"

"Sirius Black." I said quietly. She stopped combing.

"Oh." was all she said.

I took a breath. "I know I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have gotten involved. And I know you're just going to say that I'm going to get hurt. But you don't have to say it, because believe me… I know."

She was quiet. "Ok." she said simply. "I won't say that. I'll just say that you're my best friend. And if you need me to come and pick up the pieces, I'll be here. I'll always be here, because I love you."

I tried to stop crying. "I love you too."

"So… it wasn't a casual hook up?" she asked carefully.

"For him, yeah. I think. I can't be sure. But knowing him…"

"What makes you think not?" she asked.

"Well… before he kissed me… he said all this stuff like how I was beautiful and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. But he was drunk…"

"He really said that?" Mary said quietly.

"Yes." I said, remembering it in my head. How the party had been so dark but him so clear. His hair was mussed up and how kissable his lips looked…

"Well, I know I don't need to tell you that it's dangerous to play with Black. It's like playing with fire." I sighed. "_But_, I've never heard any girls bragging that he'd said that to them, drunk or not. And believe me," she snorted. "If he did, we would have heard."

"Oh Mary, what should I do?" I lamented, looking up at her. I noticed she was still in her clothes from last night. Then again… I was just in my shirt from last night, a pair of pajama shorts, and my bathrobe. How'd I get into that?

"Well, I'd say just play it cool, and see what he says." she said. "Look, I feel disgusting. I'm going to take a shower ok?" she sounded sad.

"Ok. I'm going back to bed." I said, following her back up the stairs into the dorm, leaving a plate of a half-eaten breakfast behind us.

What a confusing night.

* * *

><p>(Mary MacDonald)<p>

I got into the shower and turned the dial all the way to the left. I liked my showers scalding hot. My clothes were left in a forgotten heap in front of the door.

Had Sirius really said all that to Marlene? I hadn't wanted to show it with Marlene, because she's a good mate and I wanted to be happy for her…

But I couldn't help feeling jealous.

I mean, I'd had more boyfriends than any of my friends (though none of them had lasted more than a month mind you). My hair was always clean and straight, always had flawless skin and dark, thick eyelashes. I had decent boob and arse size. My lips were full but not too pouty. Boys liked me. I had good grades and I was part of the Slug Club. I had a mum and a dad that loved me back home, and enough money to live a comfortable life. I had great friends. I had everything.

Except if that was true, I wouldn't feel so lonely.

James had Lily, Lily had James (even if she wouldn't admit it yet). Remus and Cas certainly seemed to be interested in each other. And now, by the sound of Marlene describing last night, Sirius was basically confessing his love for her.

And then there was me. Fun, flirty, wild Mary.

I sighed. It's true, last night I'd hooked up with some Ravenclaw who told me I was hot, but I'm pretty sure he had a girlfriend.

Fun, flirty, wild Mary.

I'd been confirmed one of the hottest girls at Hogwarts by the entire fifth year class, and multiple third years definitely fancied her.

Fun, flirty, wild Mary.

But maybe I didn't want to be that way anymore. Did it ever occur to any of the boys that had stuck their tongues down my throat that I wanted more?

I wanted to be romanced. To feel wanted. And actually wanted, not just a good snog.

"Mary!" a voice called from outside. "Are you almost done in there?

What a depressing night.

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

"Oi! Padfoot!" a voice entirely too loud called through my bed curtains. "Fine, you leave me no choice. I hope you're not naked!" The voice said, and ripped open the curtains.

The voice belonged to one Remus Lupin, hangover annoyance extraordinaire. He was standing over me in an over-sized T-shirt and a smirk on his face as the flaming sun burned my eyes.

I flopped a pillow over my head. "Sod off." I said half-heartedly.

He pulled the pillow off, and pushed a vile into my face. I smiled. He made the best hangover potions.

"Whoa Padfoot. Got some action last night?" He said, laughing.

"Why?" I said carefully. He held up a mirror in front of my face. The left side of my bottom lip was incredibly swollen. I touched it and remembered bits and pieces of last night.

The darkness, drinking game with Prongs… blond hair, cold wall, her hands through my hair…

"Must have been _some_ girl." Moony said, putting the potion on my bedside table and sitting at the foot of my bed.

"Moony…" I said hazily. "Last night I had one of the best snogs in my entire life. The parts of it I can remember. She…"

"Mate!" He said, stopping me. "I don't need to hear the details."

We both fell silent for a while.

"Who was it?" He asked.

"All I remember is blond hair." I said, straining to remember more. Then I remembered Moony's little crush. "Mate, I…"

"Don't worry, it wasn't Doe." he said frowning. "She and I spent the whole night together, so I would know…"

"Wow mate. Congratulations!" I said, clapping him on the back.

"Relax yourself. Nothing… happened." He said, and I detected a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Soon my friend." I said. "You've just got to work up the nerve."

"It was weird…" he said, furrowing his brow. "We'd been talking nicely one moment, and then it almost seemed like we were going to…" he stopped. "Well, then she left."

"Trust me mate…" I said. "Birds are crazy."

Moony threw a pillow at my head, and got up to where Wormtail was passed out on the ground.

"Poor kid." I said laughing at the sprawled out boy on the floor. "Can't hold his firewhiskey too well."

(from what I could remember) What an interesting night.

* * *

><p>(Remus Lupin)<p>

My eyes flew open that morning. I turned over, and saw that the alarm clock said 8:09.

I sighed, and thought about the night before.

-(flashback)-

_"So…" I said, jumping up and sitting on the large windowsill in the common room with Doe. "Not drinking tonight?"_

_She laughed. It sounded like a three year old. "Afraid not. I simply cannot hold my firewhiskey. What about you?" she nudged my shoulder. After she pulled away, I could still feel the spot where she touched me._

_"I dunno. I kind of like to be in control when I'm in a dark room, you know?" I said, looking at her._

_"Plus, you don't know everyone here that well and all." she said._

_"Rubbish." I said back, surprising myself at how honest I was being. "You and I must know everyone here."_

_"Prove it." she said, smiling at me._

_I surveyed the room. "Well see, there's Pron-James and erm… Sirius, and Peter, and they're my best mates…."_

_"Clearly." she said. "I almost never see you guys alone."_

_"And then there's Tony and Roger… they're also in my dorm. But they're almost never around and sometimes sleep in the common room. I'm not sure why. Then there's the Gryffindor girls. You, Marlene, Mary, and Lily. As for Ravenclaw, there's Natalie, who once blew up our cauldron in potions class and blamed it on me. There's Anna Daley, who I know for a fact is in love with Black. Over there is Raven…"_

_She snickered._

_"yes her name is actually Raven and she's in Ravenclaw. She hit Sirius with the jelly-leg jinx back in second year for taking the mickey out of her. Next to her is Indigo Webber, who wore a piece of pink clothing every day in third year. Dancing with the bloke with green hair over there is Winnie Jenkins. She always flips her hair around. It's terribly annoying. The Hufflepuffs won't be here tonight because they're trying to throw their own party and failing. Then the bloke with green hair is Harrison. He's in Ravenclaw too, and never have I seen him with the same color hair for at most two months. There's Benjy and Patrick from Ravenclaw talking to Georgina Spinner from Slytherin. Benjy's a nice enough bloke, but Patrick once claimed that I'd cheated off his homework, when I hadn't. Then Goergia's here, one of the nicest Slytherins I know. Mind you, she's cold but she stays away from blood status. "_

_"You are a true observer Remus Lupin." she said smiling at me. "I wish I could be as patient as you._

_"Thank you. And lastly from Ravenclaw…Chad Rolling and Gregory Chase are over sitting on the couch. They… erm… play for another team, you could say. They've been a secret couple since last year, and I reckon they're still together."_

_"How do you know that?" she asked, looking over at them._

_"I saw them holding hands once, and then I walked in on them kissing in the lavatory. They told me to promise not to tell, and I haven't besides you." I said, looking at them too. "But I think you can keep a secret."_

_"They shouldn't have to keep it a secret." she said, shaking her head. "Sometimes it annoys me about how people can be embarrassed. I mean, I get embarrassed all the time, and it's a useless emotion. We're the only species on the planet that gets it."_

_"I agree. But why is it useless?" I asked._

_"It stops people from sayings what's really in their heart. From doing what they really want…" she trailed off, looking into my eyes._

_Merlin, all I wanted in that moment was to throw her to the ground and start snogging her. But I had to restrain myself…_

_Nonetheless, our noses were almost touching now, but something inside of me warned me not to go any closer._

_After about 45 seconds of staring at each other, she looked away._

_"Look Remus, as fun as this is, I think I'm going to go upstairs now… it's past 11 anyway and I stayed up reading yesterday…yes goodnight." she said, hopping off the sill and practically running into the crowd of people and up the stairs to the girl's dormitory._

_-(end flashback)-_

I could pretend all I wanted that I was this clueless bloke who didn't know why their girl - er, no, Doe wasn't mine – _a _girl was acting crazy.

But I knew why she had run away. I hadn't kissed her. And after a good nights sleep, I know why.

Being so close to her face I could feel her breath and could see little freckles still left over from summer over her cheeks… I had realized last night that this thing that was progressing between me and Doe had to stop. I couldn't do this. I couldn't string her along and make her think that she could have a relationship with me… because I couldn't have a relationship.

I was a monster, and no one could love a monster.

Sure, Doe might like me, but once she finds out about my _furry little problem _(as James put it so elegantly), I'd be heartbroken when she was horrified and wanted nothing to do with me.

So I couldn't. I just couldn't.

I just hope saying it is as easy as doing it.

What an agonizing night.

* * *

><p>(Dorcas Meadows)<p>

I awoke to the sound of Marlene's tired voice yelling "Oi! Mary!" a long ways away. My neck hurt from sleeping funny, and my pillow was in my arms.

I never wanted to come out. Within the confines of my red bed curtains, I felt safe. Stowed away from the world. Conveniently forgotten.

I knew I should have just stuck to books.

In the real world, everything is too messy. Too complicated, and not in the good, exciting, plot-twisting way.

Why hadn't Remus Lupin kissed me?

I remembered everything down to the exact minor detail of the fact that he had a freckle right above his lip. He had leaned towards me, I'd leaned towards him… and then something in his mind clicked.

I saw the change in his eyes. He stopped moving towards me, and just stared at me…

And then I chickened out and ran away. I feel so stupid.

Who makes up the excuse of having to go to _bed _at _11:30_? Who am I, his gran? He probably realized that no, he didn't want to kiss me. For I was just _Dork Ass Meadows_, the annoying, book-worm charity case.

Yes. It was certain. I was never leaving this bed.

What a confusing night.

* * *

><p><strong>The Best Snog of My Life<strong>

(Sirius Black)

That Monday, I went down to breakfast late. I'd slept in despite Moony's constant nagging to get up. When I walked in Prongs, Moony, and Wormtail were already seated across from the girls, so I made my way to them.

"Oi, Black!" Lily said. "What's wrong with your lip?"

"He got quite the snog Friday apparently." Prongs said. I thought I saw McKinnon and MacDonald share a look, but I might have imagined it.

"Oh. And with _who _may I ask? Do I _want _to know?" asked Lily, looking amused.

"He doesn't know." Moony said, grinning. Prongs, Wormy, and Lily burst out laughing while Marlene and Mary just stared at each other.

"You must be joking." Mary said uncomfortably. "There's no way you really can't remember who you snogged." I simply swung my leg over the bench and sat down next to James.

"All I remember is she had blond hair and she was a _great _snog." I said simply. No use in lying, everyone already knew I was a pig.

"Oh it could have been Shannon…" Peter said, staring into his oatmeal.

"No, Hufflepuffs weren't at the party. None of them were. Doesn't Indigo have blond hair?" Moony asked. We all turned to look to the Ravenclaw table.

"I'd say more dirty blond. Or even brown." said Lily.

"Well who else?" Prongs said, looking around the Great Hall. Suddenly, McKinnon stood up very quickly, nearly knocking over her bowl of Owl Os and Mary's orange juice.

"Bloody hell, what is Merlin's name was that for?" Prongs said loudly, after catching the scone that had slid off his plate because of the table moving.

"Nothing. Sorry…" she said hurriedly, grabbing her bag from the floor. "I've just… I've just… erm… remembered I was supposed to meet with uh… Flitwick. Yes, I have to look over… I have to go." she stuttered, running off.

After she left everyone just looked at each other, confused. Myself included. Why had McKinnon just jumped up? I let myself believe with a tiny bit of hope that it had been because she was jealous of me kissing someone else, but it died a second later. For Marlene McKinnon I was nothing more of a guy to stay away from.

Mary stood up a minute later, calmly this time. She left with Lily at her heels, asking her where Marlene had gone to.

When they finally left, we were silent.

"What was her problem?" Prongs said, looking at me. I stared at the doors out of the Great Hall.

"I have no idea."

* * *

><p>All day McKinnon avoided me. Right after classes she literally ran out, and I didn't see her for lunch or dinner.<p>

I tried sitting in my dorm. I tried pranking, I tried daydreaming, I tried every wizard game I knew of. I even tried reading. But nothing worked.

I had to get out.

I walked out of the portrait hole and walked around the halls. I didn't even bother with the invisibility cloak because I had the map. I walked aimlessly for a while before I decided to visit the kitchens and nick some food for a late night snack.

I couldn't stop thinking about it. Could there be a slight chance that McKinnon was actually sad about me snogging someone else?

No. Obviously there couldn't. I'd snogged other people and she didn't seem to even bat an eyelash. But maybe that's because I hadn't really started noticing her until this year.

If she wasn't jealous, then what could it be?

I was so preoccupied in thinking, I was staring at the ground and not looking where I was going. I ended up walking right into the very person I'd been thinking about.

"Oh, sorry." McKinnon mumbled, and tried to side step me.

"McKinnon?" I said, stepping in front of her. "Are you angry with me?"

"No _Black_. Of _course _I'm not." she said, her words dripping with venom.

"Well it sure seems like you are." I huffed. She just stared at me. Her eyes were really beautiful… I could see passion and anger and I'll admit, it was hot. She was wearing these long pajama pants and a big sweatshirt, and her hair was up in a ponytail with some pieces falling down. For some reason, I thought it was the cutest thing I'd ever seen.

"Black." she said, snapping me from my thoughts. "Are you going to let me pass now?"

"No." I said sternly. She glared at me. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."

"Why do you even _care_?" she asked, annoyed. She crossed her arms and stared at me full on.

"Because I don't like to see my friends upset." I said, trying to sound sympathetic.

"_Friends_. We're friends?"

"Yes of course we're friends." I said, a little hurt that she didn't think so.

"Please. You don't care about anyone but you and your precious Marauders." she said angrily.

That hit me hard. Of course she thought I didn't care.

"That's such shit, and you know it." I said, gritting my teeth.

"Is it?" she said, staring at me, burning a hole to my very core. "Let's review your life so far. You pick on innocent people as a _joke_, just for a _laugh_. Do you ever stop to think that you might be hurting someone? That someone might not think that it's funny?

And what about your love life Black? Or, should I say your lack of one. All you do is string girls along, and once you've gotten what you want, you leave. You don't even have the respect to learn their names! You take advantage of the fact that you're 'gorgeous, sexy Sirius Black' and then after you've gotten a girl, you toss her out. You're horrible. You're heartless, Black." she spat out. Her eyes were practically staring daggers through my head.

"Well, at least I'm not stuck up McKinnon who's so _above everything _and 'doesn't get involved'. But the thing is McKinnon, you aren't above it. You act like you're so smart and perfect, but really you're neither." That wasn't true. "Lily's the nice one, Mary's the hot one, Dorcas is the smart one. What are you?" I immediately regretted saying that once I saw her tears start to fall.

"You're one to talk!" she shouted back at me. The paintings were all listening inquisitively and watching us talk as if we were some muggle drama show that James' mum would watch on the moving picture box she bought in London. "All you ever do is hookup with girls and prank people! What happens when we graduate? What happens when Remus and James and Peter go off the stable jobs and you're left with nothing? No family, no friends… nobody. But that'll be your fault."

"Why are you saying all these things?" I asked quietly. I was angry, yes, but mostly just hurt by what she had said.

"Because! I feel the need to hurt you! Like… like you're hurting me!" she loudly stuttered out. Her face had turned red and blotchy and a large chunk of hair fell out and was now shaking next to her face.

"How have I hurt you?" I asked, trying to become calm. I stepped closer to her, but she just pushed me out of the way and started up the steps back to the dorm. "MCKINNON!" I shouted, startling her. "How have I hurt you."

She bounded closer to me. "ME, BLACK! YOU SNOGGED _ME _ON HALLOWEEN!" She yelled louder than I thought a girl was humanly possible of yelling. "We snogged on Halloween and it was the _best snog of my life_! I actually thought it _meant something_, idiot me. You said all those things… but of course it didn't mean anything, it was just you SNOGGING SOME RANDOM SLAG!"

She took a deep breath. "But this time it was different. At least when you snog those slags, you can remember it well enough to brag to Potter." She said quietly.

"McKinnon –"

"No! You don't get to say anything!" She said, yelling again. Tears were streaming down her face, but she didn't seem to care. "Stop stringing me along! Don't you dare pretend for once minute that you actually care, because I know you don't!" and with that, she ran up the stairs, leaving me standing there in the slight darkness.

I leaned against the wall, trying to process what had just happened.

So I _had _snogged McKinnon. She'd said it was the best snog of her life! I'd given her the best snog of her life…

But then there was also the fact that I hadn't remembered. How had I not remembered that it was her? And what had I actually said to her?

I closed my eyes, and tried hard to remember. I remembered bits and pieces, like the blond hair, the wall…

And her eyes.

Merlin, it had been her!

How could I have not remembered? I'd royally fucked up, and now the girl thought she was no different from any other girl.

Which she wasn't.

Was she?

Yes. She was different. I couldn't deny it anymore. I actually _liked _this girl. I had snogged her… now that I think about the kiss, it was obvious it was her. That golden hair, those eyes…

But I didn't want her to just be a snogging buddy. I wanted to talk to her. To hold hands with her, to snog anytime we wanted… just us together. I wanted to take her to Hogsmeade and carry her books.

Oh Merlin, what was I turning into? Holding extra books? Hogsmeade?

I had realized. I actually fancied Marlene McKinnon.

I saw Peter's figure running towards me through the dark.

"Thank Merlin, there you are Padfoot! Get up! The moon rises soon, and Moony's being taken down to the shack as we speak." Peter said hurriedly. He looked around. "What are you even doing down here anyway?"

"Nothing." I said, walking towards the stairs with him on my heels. "Nothing at all."

* * *

><p><strong>His Sweater<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

It was November 4. Four days had passed since I had come to the realization that Remus Lupin _did not like me_.

I wasn't mad. More just… deflated. But I'd seen this coming. I mean, how could he like me when he had been blinded by my gorgeous roommates?

I had to stop analyzing this. All I kept thinking was, if he didn't like me, why did he let me put my head on his shoulder? Why had he spent the entire party talking to me and not hooking up with girls?

Well, I knew the answer to that. Remus wouldn't do that even if he didn't like me. He just wasn't that kind of guy, which is one of the reasons I liked him in the first place.

Speak of the devil. Right when I'd gotten back to focusing on my potion homework, Remus Lupin had strode into the library. He had a defense against the dark arts book in hand, and he was looking my way!

Oh god. He'd seen me looking. What do I do?

"Hi Doe." He said, sitting down in the chair next to me. I stiffened next to him.

"Hi Remus." I said, trying to look very interested in the chapter on crocodile skin uses.

_Crocodile skin is very valuable, and extremely hard to obtain…_

"So we're friends right?" He said, looking at me.

I made the mistake of looking at his face. God, why was he so handsome? He had these large brown eyes and his hair and grown long enough to cover his forehead and almost hit his eyes. He didn't have giant biceps, but they were definitely there, as I could see from his grey t-shirt. He was wearing those not-too-skinny jeans that I'd seen the muggle boys in Lily's magazines wear, and some muggle sneakers. He had a scar across his left cheek, and three on his forearms. There were also shallower scratches on his neck and on his arms. I wonder why he had those…?

"Doe? Hello?" He said, waving his hand in front of me face.

"What?" I said, a little edgier than I intended.

"We're friends right?" He asked. My heart sunk.

"Yes…" I said, trying not to sound as sad as I was. "Friends."

"So you'll help me with my charms homework?" He asked, smiling.

"The great Remus Lupin needs help with homework? I'd never thought I'd see the day…" I teased, trying to get over the fact that he'd basically confirmed everything I'd previously thought about what he thought of me as.

Or at least mask the disappointment.

"Stuff it. If you're going to take the mickey out of me, then nevermind…" He said starting to get up.

"Oh fine." I said, grabbing his arm. "I'll help your sorry arse. But you owe me."

"Great." He said sitting down. His arm moved down to holding my hand. Neither of us realized this for a moment until he coughed awkwardly and then took it away. "Listen, I can't right now, but can we meet this Thursday? Pleasey pleasey pleeeeease?"

"Ugh, sure." I said as he grabbed his books.

"Perfect." He said, and smiled his perfect smile before leaving the library.

* * *

><p>It was now Thursday, and I was kind of stressing about what to wear.<p>

I'd come back to the dorm because I hadn't felt like keeping on my robes. So I thought I would put on some muggle clothes… but then I got stuck with the confusion of which ones? So here I was, standing in the middle of my dorm simply staring at the dresser, which held my things, trying desperately to decide.

Just then, Lily walked in.

"Stressing about your date with Remus?" Lily asked innocently sitting on my bed.

"It's not a date." I said, trying not to sound too upset. Lily looked at me questioningly. "Believe me, if it was, I wouldn't be denying it. He says we're _friends_."

"That's a load of bullshit."

"Lily!" I could not believe I just heard those words come out of the mouth of the most innocent person I knew. Well, besides me.

"It's true though. I see the way he looks at you." Lily said, getting up and setting her bag next to her neatly made bed.

I sighed. "Lily, believe me… I wish that were true."

She rolled her eyes and then stood next to me to see what I was staring at.

"What are we doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to find what to wear…" I grinned. "Oh, shut it! just help me…"

After about twenty minutes of Lily raiding my dresser, we had come up with an outfit. I would wear my good jeans with the rip in the knee, my orange v-neck, and my grey converse. Lily had pushed me to wear one of Mary's push-up bras (gross, right?) but I had refused. I grabbed my leather across-the-shoulder bag and loaded in my books.

Before I left, I stopped to look at myself in the mirror. I actually thought I kind of looked ok. So I said goodbye to Lily and left for the library.

* * *

><p>When I'd gotten to the library, Remus simply said, "Let's study outside". He led me to the Black Lake, and we got situated sitting against our tree.<p>

Wow, really Cas? _Our _tree? You sat there _once_! Jeez, Remus was making me crazy.

"Jeez, it's cold then I thought!" I remarked. The weather had turned from scortching hot to a normal November-y chill. And I was standing there like an idiot in a t-shirt.

"Here." Remus said, taking off the sweater he was wearing and holding it out to me.

"Oh, no, Remus it's really ok…" I said, but before I could finish the sentence my teeth started chattering. Remus looked at me knowingly.

"Seriously." He said, still holding it out. "You know you want it."

With a defiant look, I grabbed the sweater out of his hands, put it on over my head, and pulled my long blond hair out of the neck hole.

His sweater was a bit big on me, but I liked it that way. It was comfortingly already warm from his body heat. It was dark green with mooses on it. Mooses? Moose? Moosi? That world always puzzled me. He now sat next to me in a blue long-sleeved shirt, grey-ish jeans and black sneakers.

"A little early to bring out the Christmas sweaters, isn't it?" I teased, holding the sweater away from me so I could look at the mooses on it.

"It's _never _too early!" He said, laughing. His laugh was so perfect, so genuine. I absent-mindedly wondered if he had abs. He looked fit…

"Anyway, what is this homework you need help on?" I asked him, trying to deter from the fact that I'd momentarily undressed him with my eyes. Luckily, he took the bait.

"So. We're supposed to talk about boring cleaning charms." Remus said, detested.

"Hey!" I said, lightly hitting him on the arm. His slightly muscled arm… "Cleaning charms can actually be quite useful!"

"I don't know, maybe it's just me… but I hate cleaning charms like that. I want to know about the defensive charms, you know? Those seem like the actual useful charms. Cleaning charms are just for us lazy-bones. We need to be prepared for what we have to face when we leave here. In the real world." He said intently.

"That's actually really deep." I blurted out. He laughed his boyish laugh, and then shrugged.

"I'm just saying what's in my brain."

"You know usually that saying would be what's in your _heart_, you know that right?" I said, laughing.

He laughed nervously. Why did he sound like that?

"Of course you, Remus Lupin, would say brain." I said, shaking my head. God, why did I sound so upset when I said that? "Well, I mean I would too, so I reckon I can't say anything."

"We must be two of a kind then." He said simply. I could swear he was looking at my lips… oh God, now I'm staring at his!

Remus Lupin's lips were the perfect boy kind. They weren't full or pouty, but they weren't Professor-McGonagall-angry thin. They were pink and looked smooth…

Before I knew it, we were in the same position we were in six days ago. Nose to nose, feeling each other's breaths on our faces.

But this time, he didn't stop.

His lips brushed mine quite lightly I almost didn't feel it happen. But then I think he became more sure of himself, because I found his hand cradling the back of my head under my hair and his lips pressing mine again, firmer this time.

When he finally pulled away, he stopped after getting back to the nose-to-nose position. We were both breathing really unevenly.

I breathed him in. He smelled like cucumber soap and donuts. I know you're probably like, "ew! how can that smell good?" But they blended together perfectly to make a smell that could only be Remus.

"Sorry." Remus muttered.

I smiled.

"Believe me Remus… you have _nothing _to be sorry about." I blurted out. He laughed softly.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps from up the path. We both turned to see who it was, and unfortunately saw James, Sirius, and Peter.

"Oh…" James said when he saw us. I quickly realized Remus' hand had still been in my hair when they'd come. He abruptly brought it back down.

We all just stayed like that for an awkward minute, Sirius and James seeming to have a conversation through their eyebrows, Peter just standing there dumbfounded, and Remus sitting across from me, face bright red.

"We didn't mean to interrupt anything…" said Sirius. Whoa, was he being nice? Who was this and what have they done with Sirius Black?

He grinned. "So did you finally get some Moony?" And he's back.

"Shut _up _Padfoot!" Remus yelled to his laughing mate.

"Well, you all seem like you've got plenty to do, but we just wanted to tell you it's dinner now… and we've got to talk to you Moony." James said, trying not to crack up again.

I stood up from the ground, and grabbed my bag.

"Where are you going?" Remus asked me. His eyes seemed to be disappointed.

"Well Remus darling, I'm just simply _famished _after our afternoon of love making, so I'm going to go to dinner." I said simply. Remus' eyes went as big as saucers, and James' and Sirius' expressions weren't much better. I'm pretty sure Peter squeaked.

"I'm kidding!" I said, obviously. "I thought you Marauders knew how to take a _joke_." I said as I laughed. I walked up the path, leaving Remus laughing, James sputtering on about how 'that was not funny!'

Halfway up the path I heard Sirius say, "Moony, I like your girlfriend…"

I smiled to myself. But then I remembered. The kiss was great, but what did it mean? Remus can't have thought that we were still just friends right?

"Oi, Cas!" Mary said as I sat down next to her in the Great Hall. "Where were you? And whose sweater is that?"

"It's Remus'." said Lily, smirking.

"Oh. I'd forgotten I had it on." I said, grinning like a giant idiot.

* * *

><p>That night I'd fallen asleep in it, smelling the Remus-scent aroma it carried. Today was a great day.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>I KISSED DORCAS MEADOWS!<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

I woke up that morning feeling amazing. Last night I'd kissed _Dorcas Meadows._

Oh God… I'd _kissed _Dorcas Meadows!

On one hand, I simply wanted to slap myself in the face. I'd told myself that this could never work. She was smart, quiet, and sweet. She was happy. I would only hurt her.

On other, I simply wanted to jump for joy. Dorcas Meadows, the smart, quiet, sweet girl with the softest hair that I've ever felt in my life and _I _had kissed.

-(flashback)-

_"A little early to bring out the Christmas sweaters, isn't it?" she said, laughing. I noticed she had perfect teeth._

_"It's never too early!" I cheeked. She looked at my face for a moment, then down at my stomach. Why was she looking at my stomach?_

_"Anyway, what is this homework you need help on?" she asked, looking back up to my face._

_"So. We're supposed to talk about boring cleaning charms." I told her. I hated cleaning charms._

_"Hey!" she said, swatting my arm. My heart sped up. "Cleaning charms can actually be quite useful!"_

_"I don't know, maybe it's just me… but I hate cleaning charms like that. I want to know about the defensive charms, you know? Those seem like the actual useful charms. Cleaning charms are just for us lazy-bones. We need to be prepared for what we have to face when we leave here. In the real world." I said._

_"That's actually really deep." she said, taking me by surprise. I laughed._

_"I'm just saying what's in my brain." I said thickly._

_"You know usually that saying would be what's in your heart, you know that right?" she said, and laughed a bit. It sounded like what she'd told me on Halloween._

_I laughed, trying to make it sound normal but it can out a bit pinched. The truth was, if I had truly done what was in my heart, her and I would have been snogging last week._

_"Of course you, Remus Lupin would say brain." she said, sounding a bit upset. I was a bit upset as well. But what she was saying was the truth. "Well, I mean I would too, so I reckon I can't say anything."_

_"We must be two of a kind then." I said absentmindedly. I looked down at her lips. I wanted to kiss them so badly. They were soft and pink and full and just begging to be touched. Without meaning to, I realized that I'd gotten closer to her face. Our noses were touching, and her breath was hot on my face._

_I couldn't stand it anymore._

_Our lips touched, but just barely. But I wanted more._

_I pressed my lips to hers, harder this time. I couldn't stop my hands from touching her hair and breathing her in._

_After almost 20 seconds, I pulled away. I realized I was forgetting to breath, and tried to regain my breathing pattern._

_"Sorry." I muttered, a bit nervous and self-concious. She laughed softly._

_"Believe me Remus, you've got nothing to be sorry about."_

-(end flashback)-

I smiled as I remembered how she'd showed up Sirius. I'd been so afraid Sirius had scared her, but she'd just laughed it off. It made me like her even more, if that was possible.

Had I been bad at kissing? I'd only kissed two other girls before her. One was my neighbor back when I was still living in the muggle world. It was in the park a block from my house. We were both 10 and it was a simple, immature peck before I ran back home.

Another was Shannon McAllister in fourth year. It was horrible. We'd been walking back from hanging around in Hogsmeade (not on a date, I have to add) and she'd just slobbered all over my face before I made some excuse about feeling ill and having to go back to the castle.

But all I'd done was a normal kiss. No open mouth, no tongue. Did she think I was rubbish? I didn't know what kind of experience she had, but I hoped she'd liked it as much as I had.

I sat up and looked around the room. Sirius and Peter were still sleeping, and James was nowhere to be found. I got up and started dressing. I wondered what it would be like today. It was Friday, so we'd have classes. I wonder if I was supposed to sit with her at breakfast?

That's another thing I was unsure about. Was I her boyfriend? Did I _want _to be her boyfriend?

Yes. Yes I did. I couldn't stop it, I knew I wanted to be her boyfriend.

Maybe this could work. Maybe it'd be ok.

* * *

><p>Doe wasn't at breakfast. It made me both anxious and relieved. But then when I was walking to class that morning, she caught up with me in the hall.<p>

"Remus! Hi!" She said, her face slightly red. She looked like she'd been running.

"Hi D-doe." I said, trying to sound smooth, but clearly failing. She just smiled.

"How did you sleep?" She asked, clutching her books to her chest. Seriously? She was asking me about my sleep patterns?

"Erm, fine, thank you." I said, looking away from her. Did she want to pretend that what happened yesterday hadn't happened. I hoped not.

"Look, I had a really good time with you yesterday…" she started, her face turning redder than it had been before. "But… I'm kind of wondering what it meant?"

"What what meant?" I just kind of said without thinking. Oh, bollocks.

"Um, when we… er… when you… when you kissed me." she said, looking at her shoes. I grinned.

"Well, I enjoyed it. And I don't know what it meant." I said, pulling her closer. "Whatever you want it to mean is fine with me." I said softer.

"I guess I want you." she said, simply. "I want to be with you."

"Then we can be." I said, hugging her. Her hair still smelled like honeysuckles and summer, and it was just as soft as I remembered it.

"Good." She said into my shoulder. Then, surprising me, she pulled away and kissed me square on the mouth. She smiled during the kiss, and I felt as if my heart was about to spring out of my chest.

"Oh! We're going to be late for class!" she said light-heartedly, laughing a bit after she pulled away. She grabbed my hand, and began pulling me along as she raced down the hall. The sun streamed in the windows, and as her hair bounced against her back, she turned around and smiled at me in this way that almost belonged only in slow motion. In the muggle movies I used to bring from my mum's and watch at James' with his dad's telly.

* * *

><p>AN: hiii(: so I wanted to be able to give the attention needed to each little moment that happened during the party, so I decided to cover everyone's feelings in this. So yerp. Enjoy!

YES I know the last two chapters contained Sirius' POV, but I love writing him, and I thought at this moment in time I wanted it addressed through his eyes.

ooooooh I loved writing chapter 10 (: the way I imagine it, Sirius and Marlene are both very passionate people, and they would definitely get angry at each other. Also, no, Lily didn't know about the kiss, otherwise she wouldn't have said anything.

and yay Remus/Dorcas action!


	4. Confessions, Love Bites, and Going Home

**I Think This Is Yours...**

(Marlene McKinnon)

"Don't turn back to your left. Black is staring at you like you're to be his dinner or something…" Lily whispered to me in Potions. We'd fought Monday, and he hadn't attempted to say anything to me. It had been _two weeks_. Didn't he feel any remorse?

Not that I cared, anyway.

Quidditch practice was probably the most awkward times of my life. I simply couldn't focus on the plays because of his stupid stare, and I ended dropping the quaffle almost every time we tried them. And all the rest of the time, all he'd done was stare at me. Stare at me while I ate, while I was in class, while I walked with my friends… but still he'd said nothing.

Sure, I'd poured my heart out to him that night, which was a huge mistake and probably made me seem really weird to him. I made this big dramatic thing, expecting him to hear it and say…

Oh, hell. Yes of course I wanted him to say it back. That he'd enjoyed the kiss as much as I had… and a little part of me kind of wished he'd wanted us to be more.

But no. At first I thought I was just another random girl to him. But he hadn't even _remembered _it. I wasn't even good enough for him to take up a tiny amount of brain space for. And he'd actually tried to make an excuse! He'd said my name – my _last _name no less – obviously trying to feed me some bullshit excuse to get me off his case.

And now no doubt he'd told the other guys and they were now staring at my back, laughing about sad, little McKinnon who couldn't kiss to save her life.

Don't turn back. Don't turn back…

Ugh. I had turned back. I'd tried to make it look like I was itching my cheek with my shoulder, so hopefully he was convinced…

Lily had been right. Sirius was staring at me. It was a bit unnerving actually. He certainly had a strong stare.

"Has he tried to say anything?" Mary asked without looking at me so we wouldn't get in trouble. She was also copying down the notes from the board without missing a beat. She scares me a bit sometimes.

"Nothing." I said, not caring if I sounded completely and totally depressed. Mary already knew how upset I was due to the fact I came barreling into our room crying my eyes out and she let me cry and scream and yell and explain it to her.

"Well… I know you don't want me to say this… but that's Black." Lily said. I'm pretty sure Slughorn heard but didn't say anything. Lily was the perfect shinning star of Potions after all.

"I know, I know. I already admitted it was a dumb thing to do. I just… didn't expect him to just… _not remember me_." I sighed. "That makes me worse than Shannon."

"Shut up." Mary said, nudging me. "You are tons better than Shannon. I promise."

"Then _why _did he remember her and not me?" I asked bitterly. Mary didn't say anything. It made me feel almost more pathetic than I felt already.

Finally, class ended and I was about to leave when my book bag decided to completely spill out onto the floor. Mary and Lily turned around to help, but I just waved them off.

"I'll be there soon."

The rest of the classroom emptied out, and I'd collected most of what had spilled out of my bag.

"You forgot this…" I whipped around to see Sirius Black standing in front of me with an amused face. What was he holding – oh Merlin.

I snatched the tampon he was holding out of his hand and glared at him.

"Oooh. Touchy." He said. It sounded as if he was trying to be suave and banter with me, but it ended up coming out hurt, as he looked at his shoes.

I stuffed the stupid tampon into my bag and turned to leave.

"McKinnon…" he said, grabbing my hand and stopping me from leaving. I turned around.

"What?" I spat out with as much venom as I could muster. He was wearing his uniform, but his hair was especially messed up today. He had bed head, I imagine. And for some reason it was completely and utterly attractive…

No! No, no, no! Sirius Black was a complete bone-headed, cerial-snogger, tottie trouser snake PRAT!

"I… well, I…"

"That's what I thought." I said bitterly, yanking my hand away from him. His eyes looked hurt and a bit angry, and I had to turn around and walk away as fast as I could to stop snogging the life out of him.

* * *

><p><strong>Lily's Book<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

"This is so weird!" Mary said. We were sitting in the Gryffindor common room after Sirius Black had decided to stare so hard at me that Mary told him to kindly fuck off. He'd run up to his room like a bloody girl, and we were finally in peace.

"What is? And why are you even reading about that prick's family anyway?" I asked, staring over at the enormous book she was reading titled "The Noble House of Black".

"Because!" she huffed. "I'm Black's partner for that History of Magic project, and I don't want to get a bad group work grade. Besides, reading about his family is like reading a soap opera!"

"If it's about _him_, I think it's a load of rubbish." I sniffed.

"Seriously, look. Prina Black had _eighteen _different affairs before dying at the 'ripe, old age of 54'! Then there's Hestia and Gregory Black, who were actually cousins, but married and had children anyway!"

"That sounds…cool, I guess?" I said, pretending to be un-interested. The truth was I wondered a lot about Black's family.

After a while of Mary spitting out tidbits about Mr. Giant Prick's family, she retired to bed. Sometime after that Lily came in after prefect patrol, and we talked for a while.

"Alright Marls, I'm going to bed. I love you." Lily said, hugging me. A book fell out of her bag as she walked away.

"Oh Lily! You dropped – " I said, but she was already up the stairs. I picked up the book. On the cover were a bloke with an eight pack and a woman with shiny hair. The title red: "A Rogue Proposal".

After reading a few pages, I was speechless. It was essentially like reading tasteful porn. It was hilarious that _Lily_, of all people, would have this book.

I considered stopping, but decided against it. Hell, I was heartbroken and horny. And who's to say that Edwardo and his eight pack couldn't fix that?

_He came towards me like he meant business. In a fitted black tuxedo, his muscles were bulging out, making me wet with anticipation…_

"…I moaned his name as I reached climax? What the fuck Jelly?" a voice said from behind me. I whipped around frantically closing the book and came face to face with none other than James Potter.

"What?" I said, sitting on the book so he wouldn't see it. He just smirked.

"Nothing Jelly… I just didn't think of you as the type of girl to read such a naughty book!" He said, roaring with laughter.

"Why not?" I said, jumping up.

"You're just… you're so…" James said, trying to find the words and still laughing.

"Well, for your information, this book is _Lily's_." I said smugly. He suddenly stopped laughing and just looked dumbstruck.

"Um… I'll just… leave you to… yeah." He said, walking out of the room slightly dazed. Poor guy.

As he left, I just returned to the book. Hey, don't judge me! I was actually getting into it.

The plot line! Get your head out of the gutter!

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

I lay sulking in my room that night. I hadn't _realized _I'd been staring at her; MacDonald didn't have to be such a bitch about it.

I stared blankly at a piece of parchment that was supposed to be a Transfiguration essay. Moony sat at his little study table, scribbling madly. Wormtail was on the floor in the corner with an assortment of muffins in his lap, courtesy of the Hogwarts House Elves.

All seemed normal.

Then James came wandering into the dorm, a dumb look on his face.

"What the bloody hell Prongs? Did Evans finally lose her senses?" I joked. He just stared at me.

"McKinnon is down in the common room reading porn."

"What?" Moony and I both shrieked. What? Marlene? Reading… _that_? I suddenly jumped from my bed and out of the dorm.

My heart sped up, as I got closer to the common room. Was she… what could she have been… what was happening?

I don't really know what I'd planned on doing, but I ended up tripping on the last step and falling flat on my face.

A red-faced Marlene looked over at the couch disapprovingly.

"Did James tell you I was reading porn?" she asked, cavalier.

I didn't say anything. It seems like I never have anything to say to her anymore.

She just got up off the couch and came over to where I was now standing.

"Stop." she said rather forcefully, looking me straight in the eye.

"Stop what?" My voice sounded weird when I said it, as it was uncommon to her ears or something.

"Stop staring at me all the time. If you've got something to say… just say it." She said, staring back at me, her blue eyes burning, as if she was daring me to say something controversial.

This was it. You should tell her how you feel! Now!

"I've got nothing to say."

Prat.

She looked at me. Disappointment flashed across her face before putting on a look of utter disgust.

"Fine then. I'll ask you to kindly get out of my way." she asked.

"No." I said dumbly. What did you say that for!

"Why _not_?" She asked impatiently.

"Because I want you to stop acting unpleasant to me." I said, staring at her right back. I don't know why I couldn't just tell her how I felt… it was like there was some filter inside me that never let the things that should be said come out.

She looked at me for a while in silence. I could see her face getting angrier and angrier, but I stood my ground.

"So you really expect me to just go back to the way it was before I verbally assaulted you? Before you insulted me? Before you kissed me and then promptly FORGOT IT?" she yelled, her voice getting louder and louder. "Yes Black, _you _snogged _me_. NOT the other way around. I'll admit, I should have been smarter than to get attached to you. But I can honestly tell you, I can't just be your friend. I can't watch as you parade around with girls who aren't me. So NO, I won't pretend like things are just fine just to spare YOUR FEELINGS OR GUILT!" She yelled, and ran away.

I flopped onto the couch. Why did all my fights with her have to be her running away before I could say my piece?

Wait… did she say she was attached to me? For a second my heart soared. But then it plummeted back down, realizing that even if she had been, she definitely wasn't anymore.

I trudged up to bed, feeling even shittier than I had before.

"Oi, Padfoot! Did you see anything?" Wormtail asked as soon as I entered. Moony and Prongs were laughing until they saw my face.

"I don't want to talk about it." I mumbled, falling into bed.

* * *

><p><strong>Diggory<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

I've really got to stop having deep screaming fights with Sirius.

I mean Black.

"…because for at least a solid two weeks after them, he'll stare at you so intensely that by the end, you'll just be a puddle of human pathetic-ness!" I explained to Lily that day while we were studying in the library. Or, rather, Lily was studying. I was kind of spacing out and ranting about Black.

"Well…" she said distractedly. "We're on… what is it? Day four?"

"Yes." I said, slumping down in the leather chair I was sitting in. I hated the library, It was too quiet for my liking.

"And we'll be leaving for break in…"

"Nine days. Yes, I know Lily." I sighed. Lily was the voice of reason, after all.

"So just ignore him. It'll get better, I promise." she said, finally looking up from her book and patting my knee. She then pulled away and moved her legs up under her on the chair.

"Ok. I trust you." I said. A soft scuffle came from the entrance to the library admitting the devil himself.

What was _he _doing in the _library_? Wasn't this a freak of nature?

He was wearing his uniform, but his shirt was un-tucked and his tie wasn't straight. He wasn't even holding _books_. For some reason, a river of annoyance and anger ran through my blood when he came in.

He looked around and locked eyes with me. Giving me one of those bloody stares again are you Black?

And with that I stared him down. I hoped my eyes were showing the complete anger that I felt at this moment. Blue eyes fought gray. I saw out of the corner of my eye Lily staring back and forth between us, but I refused to break my eye contact. He might as well get a taste of his own fucking medicine.

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally looked away. Ha! Doesn't feel too good, does it Black? I kept my eyes on him as he walked away to Remus' corner table and sat down, glaring at Remus' chuckling and shaking of his head.

I turned back to Lily, who just shook her head. I picked up one of her books she had on the table and attempted to read. Lily suddenly looked up again.

"Marls! Marlene! Marlene!" she hissed at me.

"What?" I said, glaring at her from above my book. I'd actually started to get into it.

"Is that _Amos Diggory _walking this way?" she said, grinning ear to ear.

I looked to the entrance just to have Lily spit out "Don't _looook_! Oh Merlin, Marlene."

Just as she said that, Diggory reached our table. "Hi." he said, looking at me in this weird way I couldn't quite place.

"Hi!" Lily said, a little too excitedly. I just smiled blandly at him.

Honestly, I didn't really know Diggory at all. I knew he was that gorgeous seventh year from Hufflepuff that played Quidditch, but that's it. This was the first time he'd ever spoken to me.

"Hello." I said, trying to smile bigger.

"So… Marlene, I was just wondering if you would like to come with me to the last Hogsmeade trip before winter break?" He said, flashing that perfect, pearly smile that I've heard Lily gush about practically a thousand times back in fifth year.

Now that I think about it… he is quite attractive. He's got light brown hair that looks a bit darker than Remus', and nice brown eyes. He obviously had a good body because of Quidditch and all, and I heard that he got almost all Os on his OWLs…

"Marlene?" He said, bringing me back to reality. It was weird, even though I hadn't replied yet, he didn't look a bit nervous. For some weird reason this kind of put me off, and I didn't know why.

"I'd love to." I said. What the hell, I had to start getting over Sirius somewhere. And Amos Diggory was not a bad place to start…

"Great." He said, and strode away.

"Oh my god!" Lily nearly shrieked, warranting a signature, annoyed "constipated" face from Pince.

"What? It's not a big deal. It's just a date." I said, shrugging.

"A date with bleeding _Amos Diggory_!" she said, looking so excited she might wet herself. I wish I could be that excited.

"Yeah. I'm excited, I've got a date with Amos Diggory!" I said, trying to convince myself more than her.

"It's ok Marls." she said, closing her book and standing up. "I'm sure you're just recovering from shock."

She then picked up her bag and proceeded to smooth out hear skirt and leave the library. I unconsciously turned my head to where Sirius was sitting.

It was weird. He was staring at me, sure. But his face was totally expressionless. I hate to sound so… vain, I guess, but I wished he'd been angry by Amos Diggory talking to me.

He wasn't. So I calmly gathered my things and followed Lily out of the library. While Lily was chattering away about what I should wear, my heart felt heavy. I would never admit it, but I'd wondered why it wasn't Sirius and I going.

But then I remembered the reason why I was going out with Diggory anyway. Diggory wanted me.

Sirius didn't.

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

I tore out of the library without a thought of Remus' protest to me shoving his books to the floor or Pinces' incessant disapproving glances and "shhhhhhhhh!"s.

What the fuck? _Diggory_? My Marlene was going out with… _Diggory!_

I got into the hall and then realized I had Herbology in an hour. It wouldn't do to go all the way back to the dorms.

Instead, I paced back and forth, my head spinning. I was angry. Angry at Diggory, angry at her for making me feel this way…

But mostly angry at myself.

How could I have not remembered Marlene McKinnon? Marlene McKinnon was a raging fire that swept through a person. She made me feel alive, and her skin burnt me. Why couldn't I have grow some balls and told her that _I wanted her_. Maybe then she wouldn't be running off to snog Diggory all over Hogsmeade.

Oh Merlin, I needed to break something. To crack, punch, or kick… something to get rid of this anger.

What if I had to watch them snog? Marlene would forget all about me, and move on to the heroic Amos Diggory.

I heard a cracking noise and a spring of pain shot up my arm from my right hand, and I realized I'd punched a wall. To my surprise, the wall seemed to magically seal up where I'd cracked it.

All my anger had flooded out, and I just felt shitty. I heard Remus calling my name somewhere far away.

I just sat against the wall and shut my eyes. I hated everything.

"Come on mate." I heard Remus' voice suddenly say in front of me, I opened my eyes, and he grabbed my hand to pull me up. The pain came back.

"Mate…" Remus said disapprovingly, but quickly said, "episky", and I felt my bones snap back into place.

Remus just stood across from me, staring at me looking confused about what to say.

"If you're going to say this is my own fault, don't. I already know." I said quietly, picking up my bag I'd dropped on the floor a couple feet away.

"Let's just… talk about this later. We have Herbology soon, we might as well get down to the Greenhouses." he said, walking towards the doors out.

I sighed and reluctantly followed him.

* * *

><p>(Remus Lupin)<p>

I can honestly say that I had not been this was the happiest I had ever been in a long time. Doe and I had been sitting in courtyard, discussing the plot line of How To Kill A Mockingbird, one of our favorite muggle fiction books, when she randomly kissed me on the mouth. She pulled away and just laughed at my dumbfounded face.

"Why'd you do that?" I asked, bewildered.

"I dunno…" she said, getting embarrassed. "I guess I just wanted to. Is that a problem?"

But instead of doing what I always do, analyzing everything, I just kissed her back. And there we were, just sitting in the courtyard, kissing. It was perfect.

Mmmmm her neck smelled amazing. Like lavender, a flowery smell. She threaded her hands through my hair. I kissed her neck, sucked it, licked it… and suddenly, without thinking, I just bit down.

"Ow! Remus!" Doe said, clutching her neck. I froze. I couldn't believe it.

I'd bit her. I'd bit her. I'd bit her.

It just kept running through my head. I thought this could work… but it couldn't.

I was nothing more than a monster.

We stared at each other for about 30 seconds, before I finally lost it and I just ran. Back through the castle and up the stairs to the dorm. James was sitting in the dorm when I burst up the stairs and flung myself onto my bed.

"Oi! Moony, what the fuck are you doing here?" James said to the back of my head as I buried my head into my pillow. "What if I had been _entertaining a woman _in here and you just burst in on an intimate moment?"

If it had been any other time, I would have sat up and simply said, "Prongs, you wouldn't ever do that. And if you ever did, Padfoot and I were sincerely hex your balls off." But I was too far upset to even snicker at his comment.

"Seriously Moony, what's wrong?" He said. When I didn't turn over, he started poking my back with his wand and saying, "Moony. Moony. Moony. Moony…" incesently until I finally turned over. "So… what?" He asked.

"I bit Doe." I said, my body literally sagging into the mattress in depression.

"…oh." was all he could say. We were silent for a while before he finally said, "well, at least it wasn't on a full moon right?" with a half-hearted smile.

"Seriously?" I asked him in disbelief. "This is the time when you tell me something reassuring. And that's the thing you thought would be best to say?"

He sighed. "Moony, it was just a mistake…"

"No! It wasn't! I told you, I'm a _monster_!" I yelled at him.

I'd bit her. I'd bit her… oh Merlin I'd bitten her!

"Moony, stop. I know you've gotten it into your head somewhere that because of your furry little problem, you can't be happy. Well, I say that's rubbish. That's just rubbish, and you know it." James said, pulling me to a seated position.

"No Prongs, you don't understand." I said, looking at the ground and trying to explain myself. "I tried to stop myself before. I'd almost kissed her on Halloween, but didn't I tried to convince myself that she was just a girl, just a friend. But then I ended up kissing her down by the lake… I couldn't stop myself. And after that, I thought it might work… but look at where that got me. I _bit _her."

"Where?" he asked.

"What?"

"where did you bite her?" he asked again. I sighed.

"On the neck…" I trailed off, attempting not to think of her smooth, silky neck…

"Well Moony mate she probably thought you were just attempting to give her a hickey! Yes, it's probably fine…" He said, trying to work it out. "I know you get… erm… more excited before a full moon…" he said, trying not to laugh.

"Prongs, that's not the point." I said, stopping him. "I proved to myself that I could not be trusted with another human being. I simply… can't."

"That's bullshit. And I know you don't want to her this, but I have to ask you… what are you going to say to her when she asks why you took off?"

I groaned. "I hadn't thought of that."

"Well, I don't think Padfoot's going to Hogsmeade. Says he's got 'too much work to do'. but you and I both know better. You two can stay and be the lovesick bastards you are." Prongs said, trying to make the situation bright.

"Still pretending he's not cut up about McKinnon is he?" I asked, exasperated.

"Yes. It's strange, Padfoot being so hung up on a girl." Prongs said.

* * *

><p><strong>Girls Suck<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

"Moony? What are you doing here?" Padfoot exclaimed, walking into the common room, which was being solely occupied by me.

"Didn't Prongs tell you? I'm not going to Hogsmeade." I said almost on edge.

"Oh. Is it cause of…"

"Yes." I snapped. I exhaled. "Sorry. I'm not mad at you… just…"

"At the situation." He said, plopping down on the leather couch next to me. "I understand."

Neither of us talked for a while after that. We just sat side by side, staring into the fire, consumed in our own thoughts.

Minutes turned to hours, and before we knew it, Lily burst through the portrait hole, with James following.

"Lily, wait! I'm sorry! Just…" James said. She was positively fuming with anger, and stomped up to her dorm.

He stood there forlornly for a few minutes, before slumping down on my other side.

"So how was Hogsmeade?" Padfoot asked, sounding resentful.

"Spiffing." James said, equally as bitter.

"So… um… did you… did you see…" Padfoot started, trying to sound uninterested, but Prongs and I both knew what he was trying to ask.

"Yes, Jel – I mean, McKinnon and Diggory were at the Three Broomsticks. You've got nothing to worry about Padfoot, she didn't seem to interested in whatever bullshit he was saying." Prongs said.

Padfoot sighed, trying his best to cover up being relieved.

"Girls suck." Prongs said, and got up to go into our dorm. Padfoot and I followed, knowing that the girls would be out soon.

"You can't avoid her forever." Padfoot said, as we got up to the dorm only to hear the girls coming back in the common room.

"You're one to talk." I replied, and we both were silent after that.

* * *

><p>(Dorcas Meadows)<p>

The night before we all left for winter vacation, the girls and I were huddled on the floor of our dorm, cocooned in blankets and leaning against the wall. Thank god boys never came up here, it was a dump usually.

Lily's side is always nice, with the occasional stray object. But Marlene and Mary are another story. Their clothes are always everywhere, along with pencils, pens, coats, shoes, paper, wrappers, pads, tampons, various bottles of products, and other things. Their mess usually overflowed into my area, not that I really minded. While they were bordering on packrats, nothing of mine was on the floor, yet I almost never knew where any of my things were.

The room was always this cold and empty before a vacation. I don't know why, but the mess of the room was a constant. Reassuring, a point of normalcy, no matter what else was happening in our lives.

But here we were. Cuddled together in the only empty corner of our room. If anyone was to survey this situation, they would look quizzically at us and wonder if there were beds in the room, why were we on the floor? And to tell the truth, I don't know why. I guess we all just wanted to be close to each other that night.

"Guys?" Marlene said, breaking the silence.

"Yeah?" Lily answered back. Lily's head was in Marlene's lap, and Marlene was playing with her hair. Mary was leaning against the wall, and I was sitting against the closest bed's post.

"I miss Sirius." she said, looking away. "I'm mad at him, and I'm upset and he's such an asshole and I wish with all my heart I didn't feel this way. But I do."

Lily took a deep breath. "What about Amos?"

"I don't know." Marlene said honestly, leaning her head back and hitting the wall. "I guess… It just… felt nice to be wanted."

We were quiet for a while, before Mary turned to me.

"What happened between you and Remus? You guys are never together anymore." she asked.

"You guys have to not laugh ok?" I asked them. They all nodded seriously. "So… we were kissing in the courtyard right? So then he starts kissing my neck and it's all fun and nice…"

"And?"

"And then… yeah, he… he kind of, um… bit me." I blurted out. They were silent for two seconds before they all erupted in laughter. I looked around at them in anger, but then I cracked a smile.

"Um… was it hot?" Mary said after regaining her composure. Lily and Marlene looked like their faces were about to split if they smiled any bigger.

"Well… I dunno… it was strange." I said, now embarrassed.

"How?" Lily said, sitting up, collecting her red hair and twisting it to one side and laying it on her right shoulder.

"It was hard. It felt kind of like an animal bite. And then he just stared at me… and bolted." I explained. It was the first time I'd actually admitted that it'd happened.

"I'm sure he's just embarrassed or something!" Mary said nicely. "I don't think it's anything to worry about."

"But he hasn't talked to me. In fact, besides class I haven't seen him at all since it's happened." I said, fiddling with a string on my pajama pants.

"It'll work out." Lily said, putting her hand on my knee. I smiled.

"What about you and James?" I asked, teasing. Well, she thought it was teasing. Secretly, I was partly serious.

"HA!" Lily said a little too loudly. "That would never happen in a million years! He's a total prat, and I can't stand him!"

"You know what?" Marlene asked, looking at Lily.

"What?"

"I bet you by the time you graduate Hogwarts, you will totally fall in love with him. Just watch!" she said, laughing hysterically.

"Yeah right!" Lily said, laughing. It sounded slightly forced though.

"And you'll get married and have a little baby boy that has your hair and James' eyes and you'll be a perfect little family!" Mary said, barely managing to get it out from laughing too much. I was practically dying myself.

"Oh shove it!" Lily yelled, laughing herself a bit. "I would never marry Potter, much less have his child!"

Marlene and I just shared a look at laughed some more.

"Whatever you say!" Mary sing-songed. After that we continued talking about various things until they all fell asleep.

I lay in the dark, listening to Marlene's familiar soft snoring and Mary shifting in her sleep, I sighed. As much I loved home, I couldn't deny that at Hogwarts, I definitely felt safer. Freer.

I awoke the next morning tired and sore. Marlene and Mary were gone when I woke up, and Lily was laying curled up next to me. I smiled.

"Lil. Lils. Lil." I said softly as I prodded her. "Lily."

She opened her eyes, looked around, and then smiled at me. At that moment, I just had to ask.

"How come you all are suddenly being nice to me?" We both cringed at my tone. "Sorry. That didn't mean that to come out that way, it's just-"

"I understand." Lily said, cutting me off. "I don't know. We just thought that it's a shame we've lived so long with you, and you've always been kind of distant. But we thought, it's better late then never."

"Yeah. Sorry, I have always been kind of a loner, but I really do appreciate our friendship. And I feel like we've become really close this semester." I said, fiddling with my hands.

She sat up next to me. "We have. I'm really glad we're all friends." She patted my hands and then stood up. "Look, I'm going down to breakfast now. You should soon if you want anything, because the train's leaving soon."

I nodded. She smiled and went to leave, but stopped in front of my bed. She knelt down and pulled something out from under the bed.

"I think this is yours…" she said, dropping Remus' sweater in my lap. I grabbed the sweater and moved it through my hands, feeling the wool. When I looked up again she was gone.

Going against the part of myself saying that you shouldn't keep it, I stuffed it into my bag and hurried down to breakfast.

Remus wasn't at breakfast _again_, and I almost caught him on the train, but he went into the prefect compartment. He was definitely avoiding me.

Now I was sitting with the girls in the compartment two from the back.

"Guys!" Mary practically yelled. She had her legs tucked up under her and was reading that enormous book about the Black family. I wished she would stop reading that. I think it was bothering Marlene.

"What?" Lily asked.

"Black's dad had an affair!" The entire compartment was quiet.

"Are you sure that's true?" Marlene asked. She'd stopped feigning disinterest. Mary nodded, sobered by the fact that this was real, not just a plot in a book.

"It says so right here. Look, 'Alfred Black had an affair with a _half blood_, but it got all hushed up until a source from inside the Black family informed me of this. The baby was put up for muggle adoption and never spoken of again'". Mary said.

Marlene looked like she was about to say something before the compartment door was opened by Amos Diggory.

"Hello." he said, smiling all of us. His smile fell a bit when he realized he'd walked in on something.

"Hi Amos." Marlene said, almost sounding exasperated.

"Can I sit with you?" he asked.

"Here, take my seat." Lily said, getting up. "I have to discuss something with the other… erm… prefects." she smiled at a nervous Amos, and closed the door.

Amos sat right down next to Marlene and draped his arm over her shoulder. She shifted a bit, as if deciding whether to get up or stay put.

But she stayed.

The rest of the ride was alright, I guess. Mary ate her weight in chocolate frogs, and I finished Waiting For Godot, a muggle play I found accidentally in Lily's bags, and she'd let me keep it.

When we got to the station, I jumped out of the train as fast I could to catch Remus before he left. I even went in front of the prefect compartment. But he wasn't there.

Where had he gone? Was he really that embarrassed?

I felt a hand pressing on my shoulder. I whipped around, only to almost slam into my father.

"Hi dad." I said. He smiled.

My father was a skinny guy. People always thought he was younger than he was because of it. He had the same color hair as me, but he had light green-ish blue eyes. He had crooked teeth, and he had really bushy eyebrows.

"Hi honey." He said, hugging me lightly.

"Have you gotten skinnier?" I joked, handing my trunk to him.

"Are you kidding?" He asked, laughing. "I was 206 when you left and now I'm… wait for it… 208!"

"Really? You're a regular giant!" I said, smiling. I forget how much I miss my dad until I see him again.

My dad is a squib. Everyone thinks I'm a pureblood, and I guess I am, but people always look down on my dad. He isn't really part of the magical world, but he isn't really part of the muggle world either.

We walked outside into the burning sun, and got into my dad's flying car.

He can't apparate.

I flopped into the car after shoving my trunk in the trunk. My dad sat down and closed the door and turned to me.

"Ready?" he asked. Ever since I was a child sitting in the back, pressing my grubby nose to the glass and watching clouds fly by, he always asks this.

"Of course." I reply, and I smile.

* * *

><p>(Remus Lupin)<p>

As I watched her exit Kings Cross with a man who I assumed was her father, I felt like shit. I knew avoiding her was foolish, but I was worried. Worried that I might kiss her or something, and that couldn't happen. It just couldn't.

"Really Moony? The invisibility cloak?" Padfoot said, staring at me. I pulled off the cloak.

"How did you – " I started to ask, but he just held up the Marauder's map. "Oh."

Right at that moment, Amos and Marlene stepped out of a compartment. Marlene seemed to be about to go, but Amos pulled her in and kissed her deeply. Marlene pulled away and smiled at him, and then went to go find her parents.

I turned to look at Padfoot, whose jaw was clenched. We stood looking at each other for what seemed like a minute, and then he abruptly looked away.

"So you're still coming over to Prongs' for Christmas, right?" he asked.

"'Course." I reply, and he turns and walks over to James' parents.


	5. Perfection, Brothers, Break Ups, and Mud

**WARNING: I like to use the word "fuck" a lot in this chapter.**

* * *

><p><strong>Perfect<strong>

(Sirius Black)

Blond fucking hair. That's all I saw when I fucking closed my fucking eyes. That's all! If it wasn't already bad to completely fuck up things with her and have her verbally abuse me until I was nothing more than a puddle of myself, she then wouldn't fucking leave my fucking mind.

Prongs had _said _she didn't look interested, but every time I'd seen her out of class since they got together, he was there. He was such a prick, what did she even see in him? He was a fucking pansy. She deserved a real man…

I was laying on 'my' bed in my boxers, smoking a fag into an open window at The Potters. I'd stayed there ever since this summer when I'd showed up on their doorstep and they'd taken me in.

I turned over onto my side, making sure to hold the fag above the covers (wouldn't want a fire starting from that again). I tried to think of anything, anything other than the girl who wouldn't even give me a second glance.

I heard someone on the stairs, and hoped it wasn't Mrs. Potter again. She has been trying to get me to spill what's got my "knickers in a twist" (surprisingly her words, not mine).

"Mate, come on! Let's go out to that muggle "gasoline" station near here. Haven't you got to get more cigarettes?" Prongs' head said through the narrow opening on the door.

"I guess." I said, taking a drag out of the cigarette I was currently holding.

"Padfoot, you're not seriously going to just sit there and mope all summer right?" Prongs asked, grabbing the fag from my hands and putting it out in the ashtray next to my bed.

"Yeah. I am." I said defiantly, annoyed to be without my cigarette.

"Come _on_!" Prongs said, walking into my room and pulling my arm up. "We can go get some beers, bum around, and then tonight we can go to one of those muggle clubs like the one we first saw the Ramones at!" I smiled.

"Plus, we can go look for muggle girls together!" He said.

I laughed. "Oh please Prongsie. Everyone knows you've been on an only ginger diet this year."

He grinned. "So are you coming are not! Honestly, I've never heard Sirius Black say no to a party…"

"Fine. I'll be there soon." This seemed to satisfy him as he sauntered out of my room.

"And put some pants on!" I heard him yell from down the hall.

I stared at the ceiling for a while, until I finally knew what to do. I plopped down on the chair across from the desk under the other window in my room.

I picked up my quill and began to write.

_Marlene – _

No! Come on Black, that sounds as if you're writing some scribbled not to Moony.

_Dear Marlene – _

Yes that's better…

"Padfoot!" I heard Prongs call from downstairs. "Are you coming? Or are you going to keep being a depressed, lovesick lazy old twat!"

I stared at the door, then back down at the paper.

Fuck it, I'll finish it later. It wasn't like me to get stuck on a girl anyway.

* * *

><p><em>Marlene –<em>

_Can you meet me in Diagon Alley at 4? I miss you and I need to see that beautiful face of yours!_

_Yours,_

_Amos_

I smiled. Amos was sweet.

Yes, Amos was sweet. And chivalrous and a good kisser… he was perfect.

Yeah. Perfect.

Whatever, I'll go see him. I'd go and we'd eat and kiss and walk around and hold hands and everything would be perfect.

Yeah… Perfect.

I dressed quickly, throwing on a white shirt with a green pull over sweater and jeans and boots. I know, I'm so fit. But I really felt like giving no effort. It was cold as shite outside anyway.

So I quickly told my mum that I was leaving, threw some Floo powder into the fire and remembered to duck my head coming out of the fire.

* * *

><p>Amos stood expectantly in front of the fire. "Hey! Marley!" he said, and waved.<p>

Marley. That's what _he _called me.

"Marlene? Are you okay?"

"Yes." I said, taking his hand and walking outside. "Perfect."

* * *

><p>I had been staring at my purple ceiling for about 45 minutes, just thinking. About everything. Mostly Sirius and his family, and Hogwarts and Cas and Lily and Mary.<p>

I was in the middle of debating with myself whether or not to take a shower when I felt the bed next to me sink down. I looked over to come face to face with my brother.

"What, Jake?" I asked him, confused by why he was in my room.

"I should be the one asking that." he said simply.

"Again, what?"

"You're better than this." he said.

"Cut the bullshit Jake. You know I hate it when you talk in that cryptic way."

He sighed next to me. "I just mean that you shouldn't lie to yourself like you are now. Don't settle for anything less than what you want. Than what you deserve."

"I don't have any idea what you're talking about." I said defiantly.

"Hey, don't think I'm stupid. I am _at _Hogwarts you know. I hear things."

"Oh Merlin!" I groaned. "What did you hear?"

"Just that now you're suddenly going out with someone who isn't Black."

"Jake I –"

"Save it. I know you've been in love with Black since you became… erm… a girl." he said, stuttering. I looked over at him. He was staring at the ceiling, deep in thought.

"He doesn't want me."

"Than he's crazy."

"I don't want to get rejected any more."

"Then you don't want to live in the world. Rejection's a part of life."

"I just hate everything."

"I know."

That's when I felt his hand reach down and lace his fingers through mine. I could have cried right then and there. We lay there for a while, just breathing next to each other.

When we were little, every Christmas night, we would always sleep in the same bed. Well, until Jake turned nine, and decided it was "lame". But at that moment, I realized how much I actually missed him. He'd been my best friend for years and one of the few people I actually trusted.

"Look Mar," he said, sitting up. "Just… try not to fuck with Diggory's feelings too much. He is a person, despite his personality." He let go of my hand.

"Well –"

"Personally, I think he's a right git but…"

"Jay." I said. "You think everyone I date is a git."

He just smiled. "True."

As he walked over and opened my door, he suddenly stopped. "If you feel that it's right, don't listen to a word I said. But if the situation is what you and I both know it is… well, you know what you've got to do."

"What if I can't?" I asked desperately, sitting up and facing him.

"I know you Marley. You can do whatever you put your mind to." With that, he left the room. A little later, I heard him tell mum he was leaving, and the door shut.

* * *

><p><strong>Bloody Coward, He Is!<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

I hate Remus Lupin.

Bloody coward he is!

* * *

><p><em>Dorcas – <em>

_Hello. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you lately._

_I think it would be best if we just went our separate ways._

_I can't really explain it right now, it's just what's best for you._

_I'm sorry._

_- Remus_

* * *

><p>I had received the letter at least a half an hour ago, but I still sat on my bed, staring at it.<p>

What the hell? What was his deal? What had I done wrong?

I felt cheated. He'd made out with me and then dropped me like he had gotten what he wanted. Yeah, a snog with one of the only girls Sirius hadn't gotten must have been really impressive.

Even though I tried to force myself to think this, I knew it couldn't be true. That wasn't Remus. Even in breaking up with me he'd been polite.

Just as I was about to shoo the owl off my windowsill (trying not to be too mean, it wasn't the owls fault Remus had dumped me), Mary's gray owl swooped into my room.

Attached was a letter from Mary, who I'd been itching to hear from.

* * *

><p><em>Cas –<em>

_I do hope my owl found your house! I wasn't sure because I've never written to you before, and Fin's not the sharpest owl in the owlry… anyway._

_So I know you're going to tell me to stop worrying about it, but I can't. I've done intense snooping (no judgment please), and I found out that Sirius' father did have an affair, and the baby was "disposed off" as the book puts it, around where my parents used to live! All of this is just too peculiar to let go. _

_Write me back! I miss you bunches, especially the books you always leave scattered around in strange places. _

_Love, _

_Mary_

* * *

><p>I smiled. It was nice to hear from people over the holidays. It almost made me forget about dumb <em>Lupin.<em>

'I needed to get out of the house' I decided as I thumped down the stairs to find my dad and see if he would give me a ride somewhere.

"Dad? Dad?" I yelled as I walked through the lower rooms of our house. Finally, I got to the kitchen where my mother was cooking.

My mother was beautiful. There's no debating. She's got golden hair (even richer than Marlene's) and these amazing blue eyes, but they were cold. She's tall and skinny, just like my dad. The couple times I heard her talk about her time at Hogwarts, I can gather than she wasn't perfect at magic. She doesn't even use it around the house, I guess because we don't really live like magical families live.

There she stood, hunched over in our yellow kitchen, light streaming through her hair, flour on her hands and face as she kneaded some dough I'm assuming was for bread. My mother always baked bread, even though she could get bread from the store.

"Hello Dorcas." she said in that soft, ladylike voice of hers. She smiled, but it didn't touch her eyes.

"Hi mum." I said from the doorway. She flipped the dough, and then wiped her hands on the white apron hanging over her purple sundress. My mother always wore dresses, even though she was in the house. I always used to ask her when I was little, and she would always say "Dorcas, it's always good to look your best."

"So, I was going to go out for a walk now." I said. She looked up.

"Well, don't be gone too long, your father will be back soon and he'd like to see you at the dinner table for once." she said in her same calm voice she's had since I was about twelve. I don't know why, she just seemed to have changed since then.

She's farther away, I guess.

"Alright." I said, and picked up a set of keys that were sitting on the table next to the door. I walked down our brick steps and turned left. I looked up at the houses I passed, complete with flower beds and decorations that seemed a bit too big for their place. Muggles had the strangest Christmas decorations.

My parents and I moved here when I was six. We used to live in a sort of cabin near a lake. My dad had made it when he and mum first got married. He made it with his hands, without magic, which is something I admire greatly about him. My dad and I used to swim in the lake in summer and ice skate in the winter when it froze over. My mother cooked for us and watched us out there, and we always ate together. She would tell me stories about magical beasts and amazing things that her mother had told her when she was younger, pre-Hogwarts, when she was living with her mum in a muggle apartment. We were all happy, living off the land and magic my mother still remembered (which wasn't much).

But then dad got a job working as a muggle plumber, and we moved to Surrey so he could do that. And eventually… I guess my mother just started to fade away. Every time I come home from Hogwarts, she seems more and more removed from my father and I.

I suddenly realized I'd walked away from the houses and down to where the creek I used to play in ran. I sat down next to the water and slapped the water lightly with my boot idly. I knew my jeans were getting dirty, but I didn't , I suddenly felt my teeth chattering.

I was freezing. I was wearing only my Gryffindor sweater, jeans, and boots, and I'm pretty sure it was 30 something degrees. I thought of the cozier sweater tucked away under my bed.

_His _sweater.

Why? That's all I wanted to know. Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to mess it all up by freaking _biting _me, and then break up with me because of it.

Unless it wasn't about that.

Maybe it was just about me. Maybe he realized that he didn't actually like me, that it was a mistake and wanted to end it before it got much more of a big deal (which I didn't think it even was).

I stood up and decided to walk along the creek, see if there was still that really deep part a little more south of here.

* * *

><p>I had been walking for a good bit until I saw a white box sticking out under a leaf on the ground. I bent down and pushed the leaves off of it. It was a box of cigarettes.<p>

I looked around, and then with shaky fingers, I opened them. I don't know why I was so nervous, I knew Sirius and sometimes James smoked them, it wasn't a big deal… but I still was.

Inside there were four cigarettes and a black lighter in it. For some reason, I drew a cigarette out of the box, held it with my lips, and tried to figure out how the lighter worked…

I nearly jumped when the flame lit. I slowly lifted it to the cigarette sitting in between my chapped lips, and watched as the flame licked the white-ish gray paper. It lit, and I took it out of my mouth.

I just sat there, looking at the burning paper. Fire was amazing. It was so beautiful, yet so destructive.

I brought it back to my lips and tried to inhale. As the smoke came in, I lost my breath. I ripped it out of my mouth, and coughed so hard I almost fell over.

For a few minutes I just looked around, trying to figure out how to put the flame out. Eventually, I just dunked it into the creek. I watched as the flame sizzled out, and the cigarette became soggy.

I looked back at the other cigarettes sitting farther back on the bank, and the lighter in my hand.

I hurriedly put the lighter back into my pocket, grabbed the box and hurried back home.

* * *

><p><strong>My Own Damn Fault<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

Though I don't remember it much, Christmas at the Potters was great.

I vaguely remember some muggle club we got into with an aging spell… finding out hangover potions don't work on muggle drinks… laughing at Sirius… eggnog?

But here we all were, standing in Kings Cross after James' parents had left. Sirius was glaring at Diggory, who was holding hands with Marlene. James was glaring at Snape, who was trying yet again to get through to Lily (they'd had a row because he'd called her a… mudblood). Peter was off in his own world staring at that fifth year he'd mentioned… Hestia? I think?

If you were to take a picture of Platform 9 ¾ on any given first day after break, you'd see many things. You'd see the ickle firsties, saying goodbye to their families with confidence this time, knowing that they'd already survived their first semester at Hogwarts. The second to fourth years hurriedly running away from those who had brought them here in search of friends. The fifth years would be slightly hesitant and trudging onto the train, dreading the pressure of the OWLs looming over them. And the seventh years acting like they owned the place, and what you would hear from their conversations were bits about NEWTs and internships, and how they had just finished the last winter break they'd ever have while still attending Hogwarts.

And then there was me. I'd been searching for Doe since the moment we'd flooed in. I knew that I couldn't date her, but I'd hoped we could be friends or something…

Even as I thought it I knew it could never happen. Why would she even be interested in that? I knew I'd never be able to break it in person, so I'd owled her. She hadn't sent anything back, but I didn't really expect her to.

Finally, I saw her familiar blond head enter the station. Walking again with her father. She was lugging her trunk behind her and her father was carrying her owl and the leather bag she always carried around. I watched as Lily left Severus and walked over to Doe. Soon, Lily grabbed Doe's trunk and brought it to the compartment that Lily had put her things in. Doe turned and kissed her father on the cheek, and ran into the compartment. He left, hands in his ragged jean pockets, looking back every few steps to make sure Doe was ok.

It kind of made me jealous, you know, to see how much he cared for her. I'd never really gotten that.

Jumping into a compartment with the other Marauders (even after all these years, that name sounds positively _strange_), Doe made eye contact with me for a second before looking away and walking into a different compartment with Lily.

Watching her eat dinner that night was excruciating, but at the same time I couldn't take my eyes off her.

I knew it was selfish and I knew I had no right to be upset, but I was.

Do you ever have those times where the entire situation just sucks, and you don't think there's anything you can do to fix it?

That's what I like right then.

* * *

><p>She'd strategically eaten her dinner, alternating food groups and finishing swiftly. She then said she was going up to the dorm to Lily and sped down the hall, not even glancing my way.<p>

I was close to grabbing her hand before she passed, but I restrained myself. It was my fault we weren't together anymore. I hated this.

I hated myself.

* * *

><p>I watched her all through class, how she somehow wrote her notes quickly and neatly. How she would brush her hair behind her shoulders so it wouldn't get in her way. She'd had a mistake in potions one day causing a minor explosion, which had the whole class laughing and her turning a delightfully cute red.<p>

This, I reasoned, was an excuse to look at her. I wasn't being as stalker-ly as I had been, I was simply looking to find the cause of the loud popping noise. And I think I saw her eyes flick over to me before turning to a collapsed Lily, whom was her partner, and apologizing profusely.

I'd actually resorted to stalking her in the halls. I started to notice how she always took a walk right before bed, just around the castle and then back. Sirius and James had started calling me her shadow, but I couldn't stop. I needed to see her at least, if I couldn't talk to her.

Which I couldn't.

But today I had the pleasure of watching Harrison hitting on Doe.

"I totally dominate in wizard's chess." Doe said, leaning over her book.

"Oh really? I find that hard to believe." he said, grinning. He sat with his feet on the desk and his hands behind his head. What was he doing? We were _supposed _to be working on switching hair colors. What, did he expect Doe to do all the work?

"Well, I'm sort of undefeated…" she said in that flirty voice of hers.

"We'll have to play then. See if you can still hold that title…" and then she laughed. She laughed her melodious laugh for something that _he _said. _Harrison_. He wasn't funny at all!

"Don't get me started, I can get plenty competitive." she said, glancing at her watch. She then started gathering her books, and Harrison brought his feet off the table, and looked at the books Doe was holding.

I almost exploded when I watched him put his head on her shoulder. Where was McGonagall? Wasn't class supposed to be _over _already?

"Moony!" I heard James exclaim

"What?" I replied tensely.

"You're making the table shake." I looked down to see my now-completely-white hands gripping the edges of the table. I relaxed my grip on them.

"Really, though." Harrison said. "We should play sometime."

"Yeah… um, sounds cool." Doe mumbled, shoving her Transfiguration text book into her leather bag.

Finally, Professor McGonagall nodded and my classmates started out the door. To my delight, Doe shimmied away from Harrison and sauntered out. He sat staring after her for a bit, but then walked out.

But I realized that just because it wasn't him, there would be someone new soon. Doe was by no means ugly, and since she'd started hanging out with the other Gryffindor girls, other guys had started to take notice. And surely one of them would catch her eye… and I didn't know if I could handle that.

I guess I had to. It was my own damn fault.

* * *

><p><strong>Girls Like You<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

"Marlene?" Diggory – no, Amos – asked.

"Yeah?" I asked, turning back to him. It was breakfast, and I'd just been watching Sirius disgustingly stuff his face. Everything about him irked me these days. Merlin, I just wanted to smack that breakfast sandwich out of his grubby hands…

"Can we talk for a bit?" he asked, standing up. I threw my leg over the bench and stood up too, following him out of the Great Hall.

"What's up?" I wondered why he was making me leave my breakfast early…

"I think we should split." What?

"What?" was all I could say. Split? What even were we? We went on two dates and he sat with me at most meals. But still…

"I just… I think there's someone else that you might like." he said.

"What? No, there's no one." Liar.

"Marley," (cringe) "Are you over Sirius?"

"Sirius and I were never together…"

"But you two have this thing. Even when you're not talking… I don't know. There's something between you, and I don't want to waste my time if this isn't going anywhere." He said, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Um, so you're dumping me." I said, somewhere between a statement and a question. My face felt wet. I think I was crying

"I like you Marlene. But I don't want to date someone who's in love with someone else." He said, awkwardly patting my shoulder. He then coughed, and walked back into the Great Hall.

I ran away, crying. What a weak girl I was becoming.

* * *

><p>Later that morning, I was sitting in the girl's lavatory on the second floor (avoiding Mertle) when I heard Winnie and Fattie Nattie (Natalie) walk in. I quickly squatted on top of the toilet so they couldn't see my feet and held my breath. I <em>definitely <em>didn't need the single two biggest mouths at Hogwarts spreading around the fact that I was crying in the bathroom.

The two pairs of feet strode in and stopped in front of the sinks.

"He was looking _fit _today, don't you think?" a voice that Winnie asked. Natalie giggled. It sounded like the call of one those shrieking birds we had to learn about in second year.

"Oh definitely. Too bad he's such a man-slag."

"I know! I heard he shagged two girls at the _same time _over break, plus all of the other girls. Oh, and Shannon."

What?

"Really? Wow. The only girls I heard about were Anna, Justine and Lizzy. And of course Shannon."

"Yeah. Lucky ones, I reckon. I'd love to get a piece of that…"

"Nattie!" The sink turned on.

"What? It's true, even if he is crawling with STDs, he's still the fittest boy at Hogwarts."

"Is my makeup smudged?"

"No you're fine." The water abruptly

"Alright. C'mon."

After they'd left, I realized I'd been clenching my fists. I slowly relaxed and dropped to sitting on the vile floor of the bathroom.

I don't know why I felt so surprised when I heard Sirius wasn't a virgin. I knew he'd been… around… but Shannon? Really? Did it have to be her?

The thought of her naked in his bed burned into my mind. I felt like I was going to vomit.

I kicked open the bathroom door and ran over to the sinks. My face was red and blotchy and I was going to miss History of Magic if I stayed in here even longer.

I picked up my bag as I pushed the image out of my head and practically ran out of the bathroom.

* * *

><p>I was in hell.<p>

For some mundane reason, Bins decided that since Mary decided to ditch History of Magic (which I still need to yell at her about once I get out of here) and since Black is such a slacking idiot, I was to _help him _with his project.

And for some reason, naked fucking (meant in both a slang term and a verb, if you know what I mean) Shannon McAllister decided to set up camp in my mind.

Trudging over to the seat next to Black, I tried to calm down. Why should I be mad because _he _wanted to sleep with someone? I wasn't involved with him in any way, even as much as I wanted to be.

And _where _was Mary?

I plopped down into the seat and tried not to meet his eyes. He, however, took a different course of action (burning a hole into the side of my face with his eyes). I took out my tree project from my bag and started working on the names under the pictures. Black just sat there.

The silence was unbearable. The more time passed, the more I wanted to slap him.

"So I heard you broke up with Diggory."

I finally looked up.

It was the first time I'd looked at his face for more than an accidental second in a while. He had bags under his eyes and looked, frankly, hung over. I bet he was.

Bet he was tired from all the shagging he did.

MARLENE!

"…and?" I asked, sounding a lot more cavalier than I thought I could. Honestly, I was still marveled at the intenseness of his eyes and the fact that I'd only broken up with Diggory merely hours ago, but nonetheless he knew. But this was Hogwarts, after all. News traveled faster than a race owl.

"I knew you two wouldn't work out anyway."

Be quiet Marlene. You're just going to say something you know you'll regret.

"What happened anyway? Become bored with all the talk about how amazing he is in every way?"

"Can we just go back to not talking? I think that was working just perfectly for me." I fired back.

"Class dismissed!" Professor Bins said, and I tore out of the classroom.

Halfway down the hall, I heard Black's extremely recognizable bark-laugh.

"No really. I really would like to know."

"What?" I said, whipping around.

"Why'd you dump Diggory? Was it the _snogging_?" He said, with bitterness to his tone that I hope I never hear again.

"No, actually, the snogging _blew my mind_." Not true.

"And for your information, _he _dumped _me_." True.

"That's such shit." he said, hoisting his bag higher on his arm.

"_What?_" I said, annoyed.

"Girls like you don't get dumped by guys like _him_." he spat.

"Girls like me? What am I like?"

A long silence went by of him just staring at his feet.

Finally, I just said, "I don't have time for this Black. I don't have time for _you_." Which sounded a lot more intense than I meant it to be. I was too full of that cliché teenage angst. But what I'd said wasn't true, of course. I'd always have time for him.

* * *

><p><strong>Hair Combing and Mud<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

I tried to put my spat with Black out of my head and go look for Mary. I knew Lily and Dorcas were probably looking in the castle, so I went outside.

It was totally gray outside, and the trees looked exactly like jagged forks scraping the sky. I walked next to the Black Lake, but she wasn't there. I walked all around until finally I came to the back of the Quidditch pitch.

There Mary was, clutching the giant book about Black's family, curled up into a little ball. Her black hair was covered in mud that had collected around the pitch from when it rained earlier this morning, and the right side her face was positively black from dirt. Her eyes had enormous bags under them (which I had noticed during breakfast but didn't think anything of it) and her lips were chapped. Her eyes were closed tightly with tears escaping them every second.

"Mary?"

Her eyes flew open when she heard me, but she didn't move. She just stayed there, keeled over and laying on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest.

"Mary, what are you doing?" I asked. It was beginning to get colder and I really wanted to get inside.

Mary just looked at me and started crying again. I sat down next to her and she sat up and leaned her head on my shoulder.

We sat there for a while, Mary sobbing into my shoulder and me holding her hands. She felt freezing, like a corpse. I shuddered and pushed that thought away.

Eventually, Mary became quiet. Still holding her hand, I stood up. She stood up to and followed me in silence up the field and into the castle, and to Gryffindor tower. Luckily only Tony and Roger were in the common room, and they looked quite into a game of chess. Then I realized that Mary should probably get clean, so I led her to our shared bathroom.

"I need to take a bath." she croaked, wiping her running nose on her sleeve. Her hair was tangled and mangy and she looked like she'd been through a tornado. Her make-up had run down her face.

It frightened me to see how small she looked there. Standing in her oversized black winter coat, slouching over.

She undressed down to her bra and underwear, still shaking a bit. I turned to leave, but she grabbed my hand.

"Stay with me, will you?"

So there I stayed. She got into the bath with still her bra and underwear, and eased into the hot water. Her lip trembled and she looked on the verge of crying again, so I took off my coat and got her brush.

I'd done this twice before since we met on the trainride in first year. The first was when her dog had died in second year, and she'd started crying at night. I'd been the only one to hear her, and when I got to her bed she'd been laying down and holding her pillow. I remembered when I cried my mother always combed through my hair, and we'd talk about what was bothering me. So I'd grabbed my comb and randomly sat her up and started combing through it. We'd talked about her dog in the serious way only twelve year olds can feel. Eventually, she stopped crying and fell asleep. We never talked about it again.

The second was in fourth year, when she'd wanted to go to the ball with Calvin, a gorgeous sixth year. But he'd taken a girl from his year, and she'd asked him and gotten rejected. We'd talked and I'd combed, and eventually we came to the verdict that Calvin was a git and didn't deserve her.

And here I was, doing it a third time. It was times like these when I realized how much we really needed each other. We were all growing up, going through things that we couldn't handle only by ourselves.

I desperately wanted to grill her about what was wrong. Mary wasn't the type of girl to randomly start sobbing in the mud over a broken nail; this had to be serious. I just couldn't think of how to ask.

To anyone else, if they had walked in they would have been utterly confused. A girl with long, black hair sitting in a tub with green polka dot panties and a mismatched black bra having her hair brushed by me, fully clothed and sitting on the side of the tub.

I'd managed to comb through three-fourths of her hair before Mary suddenly said, "I'm adopted."

"…oh" I said quietly. Mary? Adopted? Was that why she was crying? Could I ask what had happened?

"Aren't you going to ask if that's why I was crying?" she choked out.

"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But if you need to, I'm here. I will listen." I said carefully.

She exhaled. "So you know how I was… um… how I found out Black's dad had an affair? With a half-blood?"

"…yes." What was Mary saying? What did Black issues have to do with her?

"Well… um… the child was… I'm…" and Mary started sobbing again. She held her head in her hands, and her shoulders spasmed again. I hadn't wanted her to start crying again, but I was letting my imagination run wild. I needed to know…

"What Mary? You're what?" The comb in my hands was shaking.

"I'm Sirius' half sister!"

* * *

><p>AN: DUN DUN DUN!

CLIFFHANGER.

Review?


	6. Happiness, Fights, Slags, and Werewolves

**Happiness Can Be Found**

(Mary MacDonald)

That morning, Marlene had woken me up and forced me down to breakfast with her. I slid into my uniform. As Marlene led me down the halls, I was wondering where she was taking me.

We hadn't gotten to finish our conversation from last night because Lily and Doe had come in, and Marlene had simply said I had a cold and she was helping me comb my hair. They'd stared at us for a while, and then moved out of the bathroom. But I pretended not to see Marlene stare at me all night. I couldn't believe I'd broken down like that.

"Mar, it's only six thirty AM. No one is up by now. Please…"

"No." she said, sitting me down at the abandoned Gryffindor table. I was right, there really was no one there except for us. Not even the lone Ravenclaw student getting a head start on studying or the Hufflepuff doing homework forgotten from last night.

"We're going to talk about what you told me last night." she said, grabbing my hands.

"Ok." I said, looking down and biting my lip. I hoped I wouldn't cry again. "After I found out about the baby - I mean, I guess… um… me, getting (cough) left –" I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I tried to ignore it. "I decided to look into it. So I asked my dad about it… you know, he works in the town's records where I live…"

"I didn't know that." she said, rather thickly. But I knew she was just trying to stop me from crying some more. And I was glad of that.

"Yeah. And so he got all… um… defense. And so did my mum. And you know me, too curious for my own good. So I stole his keys and looked through the records. And eventually, after going there a couple nights, I found the records of a woman named 'Adelaide Sherwick' and a man named 'Orion Black'. The um, the baby had the… er… same birthday as me. So…"

"Mary, you don't have to tell me –"

"Just let me finish." I said, wiping a tear from under my eye. "So I went and I asked my parents about it. At first I asked about the girls I'd known from the town, but they'd denied that. Then I asked point blank if I was adopted. I was expecting them to scoff or laugh, but they both fell silent. And after a while of bickering… my mum just… told me. I didn't know what to do after that, so I just left. I walked out of my town and farther then I ever had before. I ended up falling asleep in an open field a couple towns over. But the next day, I went back home. I'd like to say it was a good reason, but I was just hungry and exhausted. So I went home, and then we talked about it. My… uh, dad and mum couldn't have children, so they adopted me."

"Oh Mary." Marlene finally said, and she hugged me. She smelled like she always did, which was oddly comforting.

"I don't even know why I'm crying." I said dumbly, wiping my cheeks with my hands. I looked down at the bench. "I'm not… you know, ashamed or anything. It's just… weird." I finally said. I knew it sounded stupid, but I had no idea how to actually materialize what I was feeling into a sentence.

"Are you going to tell Black?" she finally said cautiously. I hadn't thought of that.

"I don't think so." I said. "I mean, I wouldn't even know what to say or how to say it, you know?"

She just nodded.

We sat there for a while, just staring at each other, before other students started coming in.

* * *

><p>It's weird when you've gone through something really hard, or you've just learned something really changed you, and you have to go through daily life. I don't know why, but I just couldn't stand watching kids jostle each other while entering the hall and getting to their spaces.<p>

You feel so out of place, like because you've learned this thing, life should change. But no one knew except for Marlene.

Suddenly, I looked up and saw the Marauders entering the hall. My gaze landed on Black.

I envied him. He was rubbing his eyes, and James decided to shove him into the Hufflepuff table. When he regained his balance, he shoved James back and they all started laughing about something or other.

I wondered what Black would say if he knew. I mean, would he be mad at me? I knew he hated his family, especially his parents. He didn't talk about them much, but I could tell from the tidbits of information I'd collected over the years that they hadn't had the best relationship.

I guess they were partly my family know.

I wondered about my father. My _biological _father, Orion Black. And my mother, for that matter. Where was she?

And also the fact that I'd been put in the care of muggles. Weren't the Blacks supposed to despise muggles? Maybe that's why…

"Mary, are you alright?" I heard Lily say. I looked at her sitting next to me, and then realized I'd been staring at my empty plate for about ten minutes.

"Yeah Lil. Just tired." That had to be the most used line ever. No one is actually ever that tired that they'd be acting so upset, but everyone just says it anyway.

Life is full of lies.

The image of the Noble House of Black book sitting under my bed in my dorm got stuck in my mind. Ever since I'd found out I was… was…

_Adopted_…

I hadn't looked at it, but I hadn't had the guts to get rid of it.

I was adopted…

"Mary, you want some strawberries?"

My parents weren't ever my parents at all…

"McDonald?"

What was my actual mother like? Where was she?

"MCDONALD?" I heard James practically scream.

"What?" I snapped. The entire Gryffindor table was now staring at me.

I couldn't just sit here. I had to leave, to walk, to run somewhere. I couldn't sit still.

I grabbed my bag and walked out of the Great Hall.

* * *

><p>I walked until I came to the large windowsill in the fourth floor corridor.<p>

I sat there for a while, absentmindedly staring out the window at the tops of the trees surrounding the castle.

My head snapped up when I hear the click-clacking of shoes on the ground. At the end of the corridor, Professor Dumbledore is standing there, hands clasped against his stomach, staring at me.

I quickly looked away, but still I heard his footsteps getting closer.

"Miss McDonald?" I hear his voice say. "Are you alright?"

"You know then?" I asked. Of course Dumbledore knew, he knew everything.

"Your parents have informed the school, yes." He said. The window was one of the large windows low to the ground, and I moved my feet to give him room to sit. He slowly got comfortable half-leaning half-sitting on the sill.

We sat there for what felt like forever. To be honest, I felt honored that he would spend so much time on me. I was just astounded that he was still here.

"You know, you're stronger than you think." He said.

"What are you on about? I'm crying over _nothing_." I spat out, surprised with myself for talking to the professor like that and for the professor not giving me detention for it.

"It's hard… growing up." He said, gazing out the window. "You've got to let go of certain things you once thought were true and learn the harsh reality of life. It's a pity most childhood things get left behind. But, as I like to say, happiness can be found even in the darkest of times. Remember that."

And with that, he got up and walked down the corridor the way he'd come.

And I just sat staring after him.

* * *

><p><strong>Defending Your Woman<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

After a particularly tedious History of Magic, I'd set off to walk and clear my thoughts. Peter had detention, for Merlin knows what, and James and Sirius had said something about Quidditch.

As I got to the courtyard exit out, I saw two figures lounging out on the grass.

"So, did you get Meadows to go out with you yet?" A voice I recognized as Patrick O'Ryan said from the lawn outside. I peered over from behind a column in the entryway.

My heart sank.

"Nah, not yet." Harrison's voice answered. "But she'll come around."

Arrogant prick. Doe'd never go out with him.

Right?

"I think she's stuck up. I mean, Merlin, she doesn't talk to anyone for years and now since she's got mates she's too good for everyone else?" Patrick said, glancing up at the sky, then back at his friend.

"Yeah, but she's hot." Harrison said grinning, and coughed.

"I bet she'd be a good lay. It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I mean, she's got a nice arse. Seems like she's asking for it, the way she flirts with me. And soon she'll be wrapped around my finger – hey Lupin, what're you doing here?"

"Just taking a walk. Harrison. Patrick." I said through my teeth, fists clenched. How dare they talk about Doe that way? I mean… it was disgusting.

"You went out with Dorcas, didn't you?" Harrison asked, cracking his knuckles.

"For like... two seconds." Patrick muttered, and then smirked back up at me.

"Uh, yeah. Why?"

"How far'd you ever get with _that_?" Harrison inquired, sitting a little straighter and staring at me right in the eye.

"It's not really any of your business -"

"That means he barely got anywhere." Patrick whispered loudly to Harrison. They both smirked at me.

"Too bad man." Harrison said, patting my shoulder. Patrick stood up behind him and still had that asshole look plastered on his face.

I was going to do something dumb if I continued to listen to them talk about her that way. I turned and began walking back up to castle.

"If it were me, I would have fucked her when I had the chance." Patrick said venomously from behind my back.

"Agreed, but Lupin's not like that. She looks like she needs the dick. I'd give her a right hard fuck, make her scream."

I whipped around and walked swiftly to where Harrison was standing, and punched him as hard as I could. I heard a crack as I made contact with his face, and he stumbled backwards and clutched his nose. Blood trickled down his fingers, as he asked loudly, "What the _fuck _Lupin?"

Patrick then came at me and punched me in the eye. My hand was aching from punching Harrison, and I fell backwards as Patrick punched me.

He stood over me and kept punched me again, this time on the cheek. I was on the ground when I heard from far off, "is that Moony?"

Before I knew it I saw James pulling Patrick away from me, Patrick elbowed James in the face. I watched in a haze from the ground as Sirius bounded over and punched Patrick square in the jaw. Patrick feigned turned around, but then he stumbled towards me while Harrison was attempting to punch James.

The last thing I saw was Patrick's hand colliding with my face before everything went dark.

* * *

><p>When my eyes blinked open and regained consciousness, I realized that I was sprawled out on my bed over the covers on my back. I slowly turned my head to see Sirius' wand pointed at James' face. The bruise that was previously there vanished.<p>

"There you go mate. Hey, Moony." Sirius said, stepping over to me bed. James joined him, and they stood over me.

"Care to tell us why Patrick O'Ryan was beating the shit out of you?" James asked, raising his eyebrow at me. Sirius looked strangely giddy.

I swallowed hard. My left eye still ached and I felt incredibly sore. "Do you mind healing me first?"

"Sure mate." James said, grabbing his wand off the table next to my head. He pointed his wand at my eye and I felt the cooling sensation immediately.

James and Sirius looked expectantly at me, with excited faces.

"They were… saying stuff. About Doe…"

"Like what?" James asked almost protectively.

"Like… inappropriate things, about stuff he'd do to her if he had the chance." My stomach curled even thinking about it.

"So you…?"

"So I punched him." I said angrily.

"Merlin Moony." Sirius said with a grin on his face. "I didn't think you had it in you.

Defending your woman."

James shot him a look, and Sirius' grin fell.

"She's not… no, it wasn't like that, I just…" I spluttered, feeling strange about it now. I knew I shouldn't be defending her, but even if we weren't together, she was still my friend.

I hoped.

The next morning at breakfast, Harrison was glaring at all of us from his table. He stabbed his fork into an omelet and bit into it angrily. I noticed his nose was still quite swollen and a red-purple color.

"You've got a mean right-hook Moony." Sirius hissed in my ear with a giant grin on his face. He seemed to be getting quite the kick out of me actually punching someone.

I shrugged. I noticed Doe stare at us, then at Harrison, then back at us. She turned to Lily and whispered something in her ear, but Lily just shrugged and said, 'wouldn't put it past them'.

She met my eyes, and I smiled, hoping she'd smile too.

She didn't.

* * *

><p><strong>The McAllister Incident<strong>

(Sirius Black)

I'd been walking back from the corridor after having a smoke before bedtime, and got ambushed by McAllister.

"Hey Sirius." she said in what was supposed to be a sexy voice. When she finally stepped out of the shadows, I could see she was wearing a really low, flowery shirt. Not gonna lie, her tits looked hot at first, but in this kind of used, gross way. She wasn't wearing makeup and her hair was pulled up into a sloppy bun. She was wearing jeans that made her legs look like sausages.

Marlene had nice legs…

"Hey." I said back, trying to sidestep her. But she was too fast.

"So I had fun…" she purred. And I mean _purred_. "That night over winter break… didn't you?"

Her voice sounded not innocent at all, even though I think she might have thought it did. She started walking towards me and I started backing up closer to the wall in my attempts to get away from her. I really didn't want to deal with her tonight

My mind flashed back to over winter break. It'd been a couple nights after attempting to write a letter to Marlene, and I'd just been fed up with my feelings about her. So I'd gone out with Prongs and ran into Shannon and some other girls. The next thing I remember is clamping my eyes shut, pretending it was Marlene that I was snogging. Then, after about 10 minutes, I had said she should leave because I'd started to feel ill. Which wasn't exactly a lie…

And then she'd muttered something about the Marauders having low immune systems and left.

"Uh, yeah." I stuttered out. She was coming closer and closer, but I was almost to the portrait hole.

"It was hot… that thing you did…" she said, her hands reaching out to grab my shirt and missing (thankfully) as I jumped away. "You've got such a talented mouth."

I tried to smile as I side-stepped away from the girl. Yeah, Shannon was ok… but Marlene was better. Unfortunately, that phrase kept recycling itself through my brain, making me feel even more like shit for the lack of contact between me and said blond.

Almost there… a few more feet and I'd be there… to the Gryffindor common room… to safety! To freedom!

"I'd really _love _to do it again…" she said. Suddenly, she pounced on me. I fell to the ground and literally, right there in front of the Fat Lady, she starts molesting my neck with her mouth!

I grabbed her waist, trying to pry her off of me. But she was not having it.

I heard the tapping of a girl's shoe on the floor, and Shannon finally sat up.

"Do you mind?" A voice that sounded exactly like…

"What McKinnon?" Oh Merlin. This had to be some kind of joke.

I turned my head and looked up at a red Marlene. Whether she was embarrassed or angry was unreadable. She stood in her robes, clutching her books and trying to look everywhere but my eyes.

"I'm sorry, but I'm trying to get into my dorm…"

"Sorry, we're busy." Shannon said, and positively cackled.

"Sorry, but I don't think I should have to wait to get into _my _dorm while obviously randy, slaggy people make out on the floor in front of me." Marlene spat out, finally looking into my face with nothing but anger.

Shannon rolled her eyes and grabbed me by the collar. She practically yanked me up, and Marlene ran past me, muttering the password to the Fat Lady.

"What a loser." Shannon said, baring her teeth in what was trying to be a smile. "I heard Diggory broke up with her because she wouldn't do it with him. She's such a prude…"

"MCALLISTER!" I suddenly yelled, surprising her, the Fat Lady and myself. "Just _shut _the _fuck up_." I said, massaging my temples with my fingers.

She huffed off, and ran toward the stairs.

When she was finally gone, I turned to that Fat Lady, who was looking at me disapprovingly.

"Oh don't look at me like that." I finally said to her. "Veritas et Aeuqtias"

She swong open, revealing a disapproving Evans, a disapproving Moony, and an uncomfortable-looking Prongs.

"And _where _have you been?" Evans asked, setting down the potions book she was reading.

Only Lily would read a potion book for… _fun_.

"Nowhere." I mumbled. I was not in the mood for another telling off from a Gryffindor girl. I've had too many of those already this year, thank you.

"Then I'm sure you have no idea why Marlene tore through here looking like she was on the verge of a breakdown… correct?" she said, crossing her legs and looking at me in a way that can only be characterized as teacher-ly.

"Pads, there's no use lying. Your shirts buttoned wrong and your hair looks as if you've just been through a wind tunnel." Moony said, not even looking up from his book.

"Yeah." James said thickly, glancing at Evans. She blankly looked at him, and then turned back to me.

Prat. If the noble and perfect Lily wasn't here he'd be high-five-ing me and asking how far I'd gotten.

"Now, what did you do?" Evans asked, crossing her arms.

"Nothing, McAllister decided to jump me and McKinnon saw. No big deal." I said. Even in my head I knew that it was, in fact, a big deal.

Evans just shook her head.

"What the _fuck _is _wrong _with you?" she finally asked, clutching her head. Prongs had nearly fallen off his chair at the sound of such a word coming out of her, and Moony looked taken aback.

I opened my mouth to defend myself, but then closed it.

She got up and ran up the stairs to the girls dormitories.

Prongs and Moony just stared at me for a while, before I dropped down onto the couch and covered my face with a pillow.

"Fucking Merlin Padfoot, why do you always manage to fuck everything up?" Prongs finally asked.

"I actually have no idea." I said, but it was slightly muffled by the leather couch cushion covering my mouth.

I heard Moony leave, and then Prongs lifted the pillow off of my face.

He sat down next to me, feet stretched out next to the dying fire. I mirrored him, and we sat like that for a while not really saying anything, which was strange for us. Usually we're constantly talking.

"You really like her, don't you?" he asked.

"…yeah." I replied.

He suddenly laughed. "What's wrong with us? We're the fittest blokes at Hogwarts and we're both hung up on one girl."

I laughed too. "Prongs, what do I do?"

"Honestly mate, I have no idea." he said, his face relaxing from laughing. "I'm still trying to figure it out myself."

* * *

><p><strong>I'm A Monster<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

It was Saturday, and it was Quidditch practice right before the Gryffindor/Hufflepuff game. Unfortunately, I'd agreed to let Lily drag me out of the dorm to get some fresh air, and we ended up at the Quidditch pitch. It was positively freezing outside for January. Mary had opted to stay in, as she had all this week. Something was definitely wrong, but every time we asked Marlene she simply said Mary was ill. I, Dorcas Meadows had successfully managed to avoid Remus for a total of 8 days.

And it wasn't only me doing the avoiding at first. Every time we were in class or the Great Hall, he'd look anywhere but me. I actually think I saw him run down a corridor when he saw me a couple nights ago.

Then I hear that he punched Harrison, which doesn't make any sense to me. He dumps me and then is punching boys for talking to me?

So here Lily and I were, minding our own business and when I saw _him _walking towards us with Peter. Ugh, so close. A little more than a week I'd avoided him out of mortification that slowly morphed into a tiny, angry grudge.

"Hi Lily." He said, smiling. Smiling his clean, white, perfect smile. Asshole. "Doe."

"Hm?" I asked, looking up at him. Oh, look. Mr. Noble and Above It decided to finally deal with me like a man.

He blocked the sun, and to be honest, the light shining through his little light brown fly-aways on his head made him look a bit like an angel.

An extremely handsome angel…

"I said hello." He said, more nervous then he had been when he first sauntered over here. And he had every fucking right to be. Lily and Peter just looked between us as if there was a mental tennis match going on. Which there sort of was.

"Oh… hello Remus." I said, trying to sound more confident than I felt, and looking back onto the pitch. It felt physically hard to be so close to him.

Suddenly, Lily stood up next to me. "Um… Peter? Will you come with me too… do the thing with… to come get… oh bullocks, Peter just come here." She said, grabbing his hand and leading him away from me and Remus.

Subtle, Lily. Really.

Remus sat down next to me while I pointedly just looked out onto the pitch. I could feel his eyes boring a hole in the side of my head, but I forced myself to keep looking at Black, who was doing circles around the pitch. Marlene was pretending not to watch him from her broom, but she totally was.

"Doe…" Remus started carefully.

"What?" I said, trying to sound distracted.

"Are you upset with me…?" He asked.

Of course I'm not Remus bloody Lupin. What reason would there be for me to be mad at you? None! Oh, except for the fact that you almost took a chunk out of my neck and then ditched me without explaination. Oh! And then you add in the fact that you didn't even have the balls to break up with me in person, you sent a fucking owl!

"Of course not." I said through gritted teeth.

"Doe, yes you are. I can tell." Remus said. His hand grazed my knee, and my entire body felt like I was on fire.

"Well, I've got to go Remus, tell Lily –"

"You don't need to go." He said sternly. His hand was around my wrist and his fingers touched my palm. Merlin, I needed to get out of there before I did something stupid. I reluctantly sat back down.

"See Doe. You _are _mad at me. I can read you like a book."

That set off a fuse. I jumped back up.

"Remus Lupin don't sit there and pretend you know the last thing about me! Don't pretend you give a shit about me, because you DON'T!"

He looked baffled, but hurt too. "That's such a lie."

"Is it? IS IT?" I shouted, now aware that practice was over and people were looking at us. "You didn't even know my _name _until the beginning of this year! We shared four deep conversations and some flirting and one _actual_ snog before you decided that _I wasn't worth it_!"

Not true.

"No! That's not… That's not true!" He shouted back.

"If it's not true, how come you can't even give me an excuse?" I yelled back, my face getting red. I don't know why I was getting this upset, I'm usually more of a bottle-it-up, pretend everything's fine kind of person. Remus just brought this out of me.

"THERE IS A REASON! I WOULD NEVER JUST SNOG YOU AND BREAK UP LIKE THAT IF THERE HADN'T BEEN!" He yelled louder. I'd never seen him this angry, even when that clumsy second year had set his 4 rolls of parchment about boggarts on fire back in fifth year.

"Remus Lupin I –"

That's when he grabbed my cheeks and brought my lips to his. My previously tense body then melted against his. All my anger just drifted away. Suddenly, I was surprised to feel his tongue against my teeth, and let him into my mouth. He explored my mouth, and licked the inside of my teeth. He then licked the back of my teeth and sucked my bottom lip.

It was like a kiss you read about in the books. And I'd know.

For a boy who's only kissed three girls (including me), he was a great kisser. It wasn't anything like our first kiss, but I wasn't complaining. It had a bit of anger in it, yes, but also passion and a hint of lust.

In short, it was perfect.

When he finally pulled away, almost the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team staring at us in awe. I couldn't help noticing that I'd mussed his hair up in the back. Everything was silent until James and Sirius started cracking up, and soon the entire team was laughing and whistling. Marlene looked as if her face would split she was grinning so big.

When I turned back to Remus, the tips of his ears were bright red. I doubt that I was much better.

We just stood there, staring at each other for a while. After sometime, I heard James herd everyone away saying, "Come on… this will be awkward enough without us watching…"

He sat down and covered his face with his hands. I slowly sat down next to him.

"Remus… why?" I asked slowly, testing the waters.

"Why what?" He muttered to me.

"Why did you leave? I mean it was awkward, yes, but… I mean, I know you didn't mean to so… we could have just ignored it it's not a big deal…" I stuttered, trying to say what I meant.

"Doe you don't understand." He said, gazing into the Forbidden Forest miles away. I hated when he did that, acted all mysterious, telling me I wouldn't understand anything as if I was a child and he was too complicated for me.

"What Remus? What would I not understand?" I urged, getting a bit impatient. After he'd…er… bit me, he bolted and I didn't see him for days. And suddenly I get an owl from him saying we should split? Rubbish.

"Remus what's happening? Why can't you tell me anything? Where are your scars from? Where do you go every month? And don't say that you're mother's sick, because there's no way she can be sick at the same exact time only every month." I asked. I had to know.

He took a deep breath, looked into my eyes.

"I'm a werewolf." He said simply, exhaling a large held-in breath.

"What?" was all I could manage to say. Visions of the werewolf diagrams flashed through my mind, as did the numerous chapters advising us to avoid them.

"I was bitten when I was seven years old, and became on outcast on society. My mum bolted, she couldn't handle the pressure of having a wolf for a son. And my dad always looks just… disgusted to see me. He says it's his fault that I was bitten, though I don't really understand why. He doesn't like to talk about it." He said, turning to look out past the Quidditch pitch to the trees that hid the Black Lake from view.

"Every month, Healer Holloway takes me to the Shrieking Shack and locks me in over the full moon so I don't injure or bite any humans. I make the sounds the villagers hear and that's why they think the Shack's haunted. And since there are no humans for me to prey on, I end up biting and scratching myself. The only ones who know are my parents, James, Sirius, Peter, and now you. Every month I have to undergo this horrible, painful transformation to this… monster. I'll never be a normal person. I'll never have a normal job… I'll never have a normal life…" He trailed off quietly. I snaked my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly.

All I could think to say was, "Oh Remus…"

After I let go of him, he took a deep breath and said, "And that's why we can't be together."

"What? _Why_ not?" I practically shouted. This bloke must be thicker than I thought. He'd snogged the life out of me, told me his biggest secret, and was now saying we couldn't be together?

"Did you not listen to everything I just told you?" He said loudly, standing up. "I'm a monster! I can't be with _anyone_!" His voice sounded thick with exhaustion and desperation, and I couldn't stand it.

"Remus…don't you understand?" I said, standing up to meet his face as best I could. He was almost 6 inches taller than me. "I don't care that you're a werewolf _one night _a month! You are the most genuine, sweetest, kindest person I have ever met." I kissed him and hoped that he would actually believe me.

"Doe, I…"

"No Remus." I said defiantly. "For once, I'm going to make a decision. I like you. A lot, actually. Regardless of the fact of what you just told me, that still is true. So you and I are going to date. We're going to snog and laugh and do all the good things couples do, because both you and I deserve that."

He just smiled. "So I don't have a say in this?" He said teasingly, pushing his hands into his pockets.

I laughed. "Well… are you really going to deny me?" I said, putting my hands on my hips.

He laughed too, but it was a little pained. "No... but Doe, you've got to understand… I can't…"

I just stared firmly at him. "I said I wanted to be with you. I don't care about anything else." We stared at each other for a while before he smiled, genuinely and real. I couldn't help noticing the white scar that ran down his left cheek, but it strangely made him more attractive to me.

He followed me out of the stands and back across the grounds to the castle. We were halfway to the castle door before I felt his hand grasp mine. I looked down at our hands together, then away, and then up at his face.

There he walked, smiling back at me.

* * *

><p>AN: Review!


	7. Breakfast, Dogs, Towels, and Dreams

**WARNING: SEXY DREAM SEQUENCE in this chapter. So… if sex makes you awkward, sorry… (not toographic, though)**

* * *

><p><strong>Pajamas, Eggs, and Stray Dogs<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

My eyes flew open that morning at 6:30, before even Lily was awake. I tried to go back to sleep several times before I simply got up and started dressing.

I tiredly pulled on my uniform, grabbed my cloak and A Rogue Proposal (_yes_, that book. Don't judge me, I never got to finish it!) from Lily's bedside table. I padded downstairs to the common room, and situated myself on the left arm of the couch. It was weird, reading before classes, but I really just felt like escaping Hogwarts for a bit.

Half-way through a description of how Eduardo made the narrator's toes curl, James bounded into the common room.

"James? What are you doing up?" I asked. He seemed startled and a little annoyed I was there. He was wearing a t-shirt and athletic shorts, and looked to be sweating a bit. He sauntered over to me.

"Jelly? Why is it that I always run into you reading _that book_?" He said, smirking. He plopped down next to me on the couch and grabbed the book out of my hands.

"Gross, James, don't sit so close to me! You're going to drip sweat on me!" I said, jumping up. His chest was slightly wet from sweat so I could see his body. 'He was fitter than I thought' I noted idly. I couldn't see why Lily was so opposed to 'tapping that'…

"Shut it McKinnon. You know you love it." He said, laughing. At that moment, I heard a gruff cough.

"Prongs?" a familiar voice said from the stairs. We both whipped around to see Black standing in the doorway to the common room. He leaned on the left side of the doorframe, arms crossed. His face looked a little bit between a sneer and a scowl.

He wore plaid pajama pants, and Puddlemere United t-shirt without sleeves. With his hands almost up his armpits, his biceps flexed a little. His shoulders were broad, and his biceps were larger than I thought. His forearms looked like they belonged to a "Disney" Prince like in my mother's VHS tapes. Running my eyes over him, I drunk in every contour and muscle line that I could until I realized Black had seen me staring. I quickly looked at the floor, and then pretended to inspect my nails.

"Hey mate." James said cautiously, walking over to him and away from me. I just stood my ground and continued to stare at my nails.

Oh, hello nails? How are you? You look like you could use a good cleaning…

No! Stop thinking about raking through Black's un-naturally cute bed-head hair! You will not be doing that anywhere in the future, fingers!

"McKinnon." Black said in a gravely, morning voice.

"Black." I said curtly, glancing up and trying to banish all thoughts of him waking up next to me in bed, talking in that very same sexy voice. Why was everything about him so sexy this morning!

I bet _Shannon_ heard that voice all the time. I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them again, hoping that would help erase the image of Shannon.

"What are you doing up so early?" Shit, he really needed to stop talking like that…

"I can do whatever I please. And what I do is none of your business, actually." Plopping down on the couch I had previously inhabited. "Besides, what are _you _doing up early?"

"I just wanted to go for a run…" James said, grinning at me. I smiled flirtatiously back, making Sirius cough again.

I hate to admit it, but I really hoped he felt jealous. He and James shared a look, Sirius' face a dangerous scowl, James' almost apologetic.

With a quick head nod to James and another glance in my direction, he retreated up the steps to his bedroom.

James looked up the stairs, and then back at me. "Wow." he muttered, and then grinned. "You must be one special girl McKinnon." and ran up the stairs.

What did that mean?

* * *

><p>"Ew, Prongs, get that nasty shit <em>away <em>from me!" I heard Black practically shriek later that morning. I had pretended not to see the little look James and he had shared this morning, but then at breakfast they were acting like nothing had happened. I wished he would show some form of jealousy, maybe, but it seemed that it hadn't mattered anymore.

"What Padfoot?" James asked, still holding up his fork full of eggs. "Don't you want some protein?"

"No. Frankly, I think eggs are fucking _vile_." He spat out, knocking James' hand away from him. James plopped the egg back on his plate before taking it again and stuffing it in his mouth. Black scrunched up his face and looked away.

I don't know why this moment got to me so much. Maybe it's because I, too, thought eggs were the most popularly eaten but truly vile thing on the planet… but at that moment, I really missed Sirius Black. And I had a craving to hear that sexy morning voice again.

Ever since Mary had told me about the whole… step-sibling thing, I'd tried to stay as far as I could from Black. Besides seeing him in classes, and the common room this morning, I'd tried my best to avoid him at all costs. Not only because I was embarrassed, hurt, and pissed at seeing him practically swallow McAllister's face, but also because I just felt incredibly awkward around him now because I knew something he didn't.

You know when you find out a secret that has to do with someone, and it's important to their life, but you have no right or position to tell them? And you just end up watching them in agony because you want to tell them so very much but you know you mustn't? Yeah. That's basically where I was.

Though I could understand Mary not wanting to tell him and not knowing how, it was excruciating being in the same room with him. Every time I saw him, I flip-flopped between wanting to punch him, wanting to kiss him, and wanting to spill everything to him. I wondered how he would react when he found out, if he'd be angry or if he'd cry or what he'd say… if he said anything. But I _knew_ it wasn't my place to tell.

* * *

><p>"I think I want to talk to Regulus." Mary told me, stuffing her gloved hands into her pockets. I insisted that she needed some time outside the dorm, so we'd taken a walk around the castle. The air was sharply cold and I was immediately regretting it.<p>

"Oh. Alright." I said. "Why him and not Sirius?"

"I think…" she started, and then looked away. "I think I want to take babysteps. And telling Sirius would be like trying to jump across a lake."

"Ok." I said simply. When we'd reached the beginning of the Forbidden Forest, I swore I saw something black moving through the trees.

"Did you see that?" Mary asked. "Something in the trees?"

"Yeah…" I trailed off, craning my neck and staring into the darkened forest.

Suddenly, the black moving object took a flying leap out of the trees. Mary gasped, but it looked to be just a stray dog.

The dog had shaggy black fur and was padding rather happily towards us. Mary grabbed my arm and whispered, "Marlene I really don't like dogs!"

The dog stopped in front of me, and sat down. As he stared up at me, Mary started backing away. "Seriously Marlene, it could have rabies, or something!"

"Relax Mary." I said, kneeling down so I was at eye level with the mysterious dog. "It's probably just… just a stray that lives in the forest." I scratched behind its left ear, and its tongue flopped out lazily and his head cocked to the side.

"A stray dog? Living in a forest?" Mary asked incredulously. "Whatever, I'm going back. You can do whatever you want with that dog but _I'd _rather not get attacked today."

I scoffed, and I listened to Mary's feet pound on the cold ground as she walked away. The dog jumped up on me and started licking my face happily.

I spluttered and laughed. I gently pushed the dog off so he was laying next to me. I scratched his belly and he turned over and stared at me.

His eyes closed, almost as a human… it was quite strange.

I stood up and started to walk away but he followed me. I turned back and saw his shaggy face staring at me with a kind of pleading look.

"Come on dog. I've got to get back inside. It's freezing!" I said, and continued walking.

It kept following me.

"Stay." I said, and started to turn away, but then stared back into the dogs eyes.

The eyes of this stray dog were gray… a stormy gray kind of color that looked exactly like…

No. Now you're just being crazy. This stray dog does not have Sirius' eyes. Stop thinking about him.

And with that, I turned around and ran up to the castle, closing the doors tightly behind me.

* * *

><p><strong>It's Nothing Special Either<strong>

(Sirius Black)

Morphing successfully back into my human body, I shivered against the cold. I knew it was dangerous to morph in the middle of the day, not hidden by darkness. But I needed to see her.

I smiled at the afterthought of her scratching me behind the ears. Feeling her touch, her hair blowing around in the slight wind…

Since the "McAllister incident", as Prongs put it, McKinnon seemed farther away than she was before. She'd glanced at me a few times, but since that morning when I saw her with Prongs in the common room, she had only been staring at me when she was sure I wasn't looking. Or maybe I was imagining it. Everyone _did _say I had enough of an ego to think that.

Prongs had been telling me that at least it's better than her scowling whenever I walked into a room… but it bothers me even more, to be honest. At least the scowling was some kind of emotion, some kind of connection. Now all I got were swift head turns (which I assumed was her looking at me and then realize I was looking at her and then looked away…).

I missed her face. I missed our fights. I missed how her eyes would turn fiery and her fists would clench…

* * *

><p>I looked up into the purpling sky, tossed my cigarette butt on the ground, and walked back into the castle.<p>

When I entered the common room, I saw McKinnon curled up in the leather armchair furthest from the door.

She was staring down into a coffee mug, and she didn't look up when I entered. I noted she was wearing a large t-shirt, and athletic shorts. Her shorts were ridding up from sitting the way she was. Her lower thighs were showing… and they looked extremely soft…I shivered.

"Stop ogling my body Black. You've seen plenty of other girls, it's not like it's anything new to you." She said without glancing up, startling me. I quickly looked away.

"It's nothing special either." I said spitefully. I regretted it the moment it came out of my mouth, but said nothing else. How could she just sit there, with her knickers almost showing her shorts were ridding up so high, and then chide me about looking at them?

Her mouth morphed into a thin white line, and she stared harder into the mug. I absentmindedly wondered what she was drinking. Probably coffee, I knew she loved the stuff. I knew she didn't care that it kept her up the whole night, she would drink it just the same. I watched her tug the legs of her shorts down, covering that creamy thigh…

After a while of me standing there awkwardly, hands shoved into my pockets, desperately looking anywhere except the now-covered strip of skin. I exhaled deeply.

"Well? Are you going to stand there all night, having a _pointless _conversation with me?" She said. We both knew that wasn't her best, but neither of us seemed in top-form flirting mode today.

"At least you're talking to me." I muttered. Neither of us said anything for a while, and my legs were beginning to hurt. I eventually gave up, and with a sigh, retreated to my bedroom.

* * *

><p>(Remus Lupin)<p>

"It's near the full moon, isn't it?" Dorcas asked me.

I looked up from my book "Yeah. Two days." I mumbled, before turning back to reading.

We were sitting on the floor of the boy dormitories, studying for an upcoming test on the goblin revolutions of the 1700s.

Though the fact that she was literally _inches _from my bed was making it slightly hard to concentrate.

She looked a bit upset for a second, and then thoughtful. She seemed to be having some sort of internal battle with herself.

"Sorry. Do you not want to talk about it? I just…"

"It's ok." I interrupted. "Seriously, I'm just tired. When the full moon is close, I get really wired and sometimes it's hard to sleep, and I get a bit jittery too."

"What's it like?" She blurted out. "I mean, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to but –"

"Horrible." I said honestly. "It's horrible."

"I'm sorry. That must be terrible, having to deal with this every month." She said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. Her hair was back in a plait, and her entire bare neck was exposed… and for some reason that's all I could look at.

"Are you feeling ok?" She asked, scooting closer to me. She touched my cheek delicately with the tips of her fingers. It took ever ounce of self-control not to shove her on my bed and shag the life out of her.

I meant to say "yes" but the sound that came out of my mouth was more like a "yerm"

We sat like that, staring at each other for a while before I couldn't take it anymore.

I swiftly flipped her on her back and kissed her hard. Her hands grabbed my hair and starting pulling a little too erotically for my own good…

Merlin, how was she doing that? Was her tongue magical or something?

Hell, I had a stiffy now. I didn't want to scare her off by getting too… er… _excited_, lets say.

Ok Remus think… um… potions essays, cold water, Severus Snape…

I felt her fingers slide up my shirt and lightly scrape against my stomach. Oh Merlin I wanted to rip her clothes of right then and there…

I brought my head down to her neck and started kissing her again, careful not to repeat previous accidents. She once again grabbed the back of my head and started raking her fingers through my hair, and somehow managed to flip so that she was straddling me. She was pressing against me rather close…

She kept tugging my shirt higher, until my entire stomach was exposed. She stopped kissing me and looked at it.

Her eyes raked over me, and then she laughed softly. She covered her mouth with her hand, but her eyes still crinkled a bit. Was she laughing at me?

"What?" I asked nervously.

"Nothing. I thought you didn't have abs, but you do… it's hot." she said, the last part muffled by her mouth meeting mine.

I moved to sucking the part of skin between her ear and her neck. I don't now why I did it, I just did. And I swear, she _moaned_.

I pulled back and smirked at her, getting back a "Shut up." and her mouth on mine again.

"Whoa!" I heard a voice yell from the door. Doe jumped off of me onto the floor. I jerked my head up and saw Marlene leaning against the doorframe, hands folded and smirking at us.

Her mouth was creased, and it looked like she would burst out laughing at any minute.

Next to me, Doe covered her face and mumbled a string of words that I didn't understand until I finally just asked, "Marlene, what are you doing here?"

"I was actually looking for James… but he's obviously not here, and you two look _very _busy, so I'll just come back later." She said, making eye contact with Doe and widening her eyes. She then turned on her heels and left.

"Make sure to use protection!" I heard her call from the common room.

I rolled my shirt back down over my body.

I pulled Doe's hands away from her face. We stared at each other for a moment, before she let out a laugh. It wasn't long before we were both cracking up.

"We should probably go, we have got Arithmancy soon." I said. We both got up and exited the dorm room.

We left through the portrait hole, and turned the corner. We were half way down the corridor when I heard Doe shriek "Peter!"

There, standing in the doorway of one of Sirius' "favorite closets" was Peter, kissing that fifth year Hufflepuff that he would not shut up about during break.

She was quite short, but then against so was Peter, and had rich brown curls. Her shirt was hastily buttoned and she was grinning, her cheeks red.

Peter simply looked at me and shrugged sheepishly.

"Hey Moony." he said, and I could tell he was holding in a laugh. He looked as though his face would rip in half if he smiled any bigger.

The four of us stood there for about two minutes, just staring at each other. Eventually, I felt Doe grab my hand and push past them down the corridor we were intending on going down.

Doe burst into laughter once we got to the staircase. I just stood there, shocked.

"Oh _Merlin_, that was the strangest thing!" she finally said, straightening up and grabbing my hand again.

"I'll never be able to get that image out of my head now…" I said, and scrunched up my nose. That was so strange… Peter, in a broom closet… with a girl.

* * *

><p><strong>Towel<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

_It wasn't fair_. I thought while I stepped into the shower. I ripped the ponytail holder off of my hair and turned on the water.

Every time he came into a room, every fiber of my being stood at attention. My stomach screamed and flipped and curled… and my body was hypersensitive.

I'd never let anyone know, but after he left the other night, I cried. I cried for hours. It terrified me. Realizing just how much I'd actually grown to care.

I wasn't soft; I wasn't supposed to be the kind of girl who got hung up on tiny things.

He made my mind unravel. He made all the protective walls I'd built around myself crash down.

Every time I saw Shannon, my heart felt physical pain. Because even though I could see that he didn't love her, every time she would saunter into the Great Hall with that disgusting look of a cat moving in on a mouse, my entire body tensed up in jealousy.

I wasn't jealous; I wasn't supposed to be the kind of girl that cares about things like that.

He made my emotions go haywire. He made my feelings erratic and confusing.

Every time I saw him, I had to resist the urge to go over to him and kiss him, kiss him as hard as I could and tell him every single miniscule emotion that I felt for him. But my pride and cowardice held me back every time.

I wasn't a coward; I wasn't supposed to be the kind of girl who was afraid of anything.

He made me scared. His laugh, his eyes, his face, his _everything _terrified me.

Because I knew how much power he'd grown to have over me.

I stepped out of the shower and dried myself off. Ugh, fuck. I'd left my brush outside the locker room. Oh well, everyone's probably gone anyway, it's been a while since practice ended.

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

Quidditch practice was brutal that day. It had been practically hailing. Not hailing really, but that sort of snow that stings, that doesn't collect in fluffy, white banks like on Christmas photos. No, no this was the hurtful kind of snow, and the weather seemed to match everyone's moods.

As everyone trudged into the dorms, you could tell everyone just wanted to die. Fabian (that prick) yelled and shouted the entire time, forcing us to practice for an hour longer than was planned. Everyone looked like hell, some had scratches on their faces from the snow.

Prongs meandered off after taking a quick shower, saying that he was going to the dorm to rest. I watched as the rest of the team followed respectively, but I stayed up in the shower.

The hot water relaxed my bones, but as I rolled my shoulders they still felt painfully tense. I spent a long time in there, just letting the water pound on my bare back.

Eventually, I eased myself out and dried off. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, which felt unfortunately scratchy against my now sensitive skin. I sighed, and walked slowly out, still toweling my hair dry. Moony always just said to use a drying charm, but I always liked the feeling of the towel massaging my head. I remember my mother only using the drying spell after she bathed me, and she always used to look horrified when I would run away and shake my head against the towel that she'd kept for "decoration only". I was so deep in thought, I realized I wasn't looking where I was going.

Suddenly, I looked up to see Marlene, with only a white, fluffy towel wrapped around her body, standing outside the girls' locker room. Her blond hair lay wet, gathered to one side, and she was rubbing her creamy neck with her hand. I couldn't help thinking that would be the perfect place for a hickey. Her eyes were lightly closed, and she had a soft-half smile on her face.

She still didn't open her eyes, and I assumed she didn't know I was there. She rubbed her neck harder, and soft moan exited her lips. The sound shot _right _to my groin.

"Bloody hell." I breathed. Her eyes snapped open.

"Black! Holy shit, what are you fucking _doing _here?" She cried loudly, backing away from me. "You aren't supposed to be here!"

She pulled the hem of the towel lower to cover her legs, but it only showed for cleavage. I swallowed hard and desperately tried to look away, but my eyes compromised and insisted on taking quick glances every six seconds.

"Well, it's sort of the way out of the locker room, and it's the only way out." I managed to spit out. She sighed.

"Well… well, sorry. I thought everyone was gone." She said meekly.

I smiled uncomfortably. She was still standing there, in all her glory, with the towel defying gravity by still staying on her body. Fuck, she needed to get a longer towel…

"Uh… yeah." I said thickly. She stared at the ground, and a strange look came over her face. She looked like she was having some weird internal conflict or fight with herself. Abruptly, she just exhaled and stepped closer to me.

"You look like hell." She said, reaching up and touching a scratch I had on my face that I didn't know was there.

"You don't look much better." I said, zeroing in on the slight scratch across her cheek. She lifted her other hand to touch my other cheek, and my heart rate sped up increasingly.

"Want me to work the kink out?"

"What?" I asked. She just looked at me pointedly.

"The kink? In your shoulder? It looks really painful." She asked softly. How did she know my shoulder hurt? I really didn't understand her. She was mad at me one minute, then offering to massage me wearing just a towel?

"Uh… sure?" I answered back, running my hands through my hair. She led me to sitting down on the bench.

"Want to take your shirt off…?" She said uncertainly. I slowly eased the shirt off my body, and hissed in pain as I lowered my arms. Merlin, it felt like someone had taken a hammer to my shoulder blades.

Her fingers were soft against my back, and she started grinding her thumbs in circles around both my shoulder blades. It felt amazing, and I felt myself relax. I accidentally moaned throatily, surprising myself and I assume her, even though I couldn't see her face.

After about four minutes of this, she took her hands off my back. I stood up quickly, going to grab my shirt. But in the process of getting off the bench, Marlene stumbled, and I caught her as she grabbed my forearms for balance. She stood up next to me, still holding my arms.

She wasn't holding the towel up. Any slight breeze will knock this towel off, leaving a naked Marlene McKinnon holding my forearms.

I watched as her face slowly leaned into mine, and I did the same. I tried to cool my raging hard-on, but my body was not having it. Her breasts were now touching my chest, and all I could think about was the fact that there was only a piece of terrycloth between her tits and my shirt. She swallowed and flicked her eyes down to my lips.

Our noses touched, and then… as if my face was fire, she moved abruptly away, swiftly running into the girls locker room.

Fucking hell… she's almost kissed me! She wasn't mad at me anymore!

Wait… was she? But then how was it possible for this not to have all been a dream?

She was massaging me, kissing me, and than running away from me

What just happened?

* * *

><p><strong>In Your Dreams<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

February 1, 1976.

"Thirteen days until Valentines day!" another chirpy little fifth year shrieked in the common room.

For some reason, all the fucking girls at Hogwarts think it's fucking _necessary _to know how many days lay until Valentines day at every minute of every day.

Now, with all the Mary/half-brother/constantly-trying-to-convince-everyone-that-Mary-was-actually-just-feeling-sick-and-was-not-depressed, I'd not had time to care about Valentines Day until January 25, when an epidemic of giggles and whispers broke out among Hogwarts.

Honestly, all the other years I'd been completely into Valentine's day. Telling everyone I wanted a nice cute Hufflepuff boy to ask me to Hogsmeade while still secretly hoping a certain Black would ask me instead.

But that never happened.

Merlin! no more thinking about Black. I can't _believe _I was such a slag and I massaged his bare back while only in a towel. He must think I'm a dirty whore now.

I couldn't help myself. Having him so close to me, no one else in the room did something to me.

Oh hell, his muscled bare back un-tensing under my fingertips was about the worst thing to think about right now. My brain latched onto the image, and I couldn't stop hearing that sexy moan/sigh/grunt that had slipped his lips …

But then I'd run away and Black hadn't made a move to talk since. And I swallowed my feelings as much as I could.

And now I was back to being an annoyed, angry bitch.

He always seemed to be everywhere seconds before everyone else, or never walking with a group to classes... the illusive, mysterious bloke he was. He was always grinning that smile that was supposed to make girls cream their knickers. He probably practiced that in the mirror every morning, I bet you.

And now, when I was totally fed up with Black and the rest of the boys at Hogwarts, I had to endure the constant rushing around of the girls of Gryffindor, flitting about discussing boys non-stop.

The boys, on the other hand, simply looked the other way when entering and exiting the common room. There were only three Gryffindor couples, and the only boy who looked excited is Remus.

He keeps running in and out of the dorms, never around in his spare time anymore. When I asked him about it a couple days ago, he said he's planning something really special for Doe, and I could literally feel the jealousy steaming off the other girls that happened to be in the common room.

This did not help with banishing Black from my mind.

I'm ok mostly during the day, what with me taking extra notes so Mary can copy them later because she's busy deciding when and if she's going to tell Black (I think she should tell him, by the way), and then leaving straight after class, I'd only had to see him at meals.

And I make sure I don't ever look up from my meal.

I just wish the dreams would stop. Ever since that fateful incident in the locker room, Black and his many sexy attributes have taken to haunting my dreams. It always starts out the same, with me sitting in common room reading a potions book… and usually ends with one Sirius Black, naked on top of me.

"What are _you_ thinking about?" Doe asked, staring at me.

"What? Nothing!" I replied quickly. I winced as Doe smirked at me.

"Oh sure. Nothing." she said, retying her Gryffindor tie.

"Seriously!" I insisted. She just laughed. "Why do you ask?"

"You started blushing… hard." she said, still laughing. She slipped the tie around and pulled it tight, and stooped to grab her bag.

"Well… well, I was thinking… thinking about…ugh, bugger off!" I spluttered, and Doe just smirked knowingly at me.

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

"_Hey Sirius" Marlene says, looking up from her book. You're in the common room, but everything else is gone except for the fireplace, a couch, and the chair you're sitting in. She's wearing that blue sweater that makes her eyes look amazing…_

"_Hi." You say, uncertainly. You wonder why she's suddenly decided to talk to you, but you don't care…_

_Suddenly, she's sitting on the arm of chair you're sitting on. "So… I've got something to show you." She takes your hand._

_You walk up the stairs, and you realize you're going into the boys' dormitories. Except no one else is there, and all the beds seem like one big bed._

"_Well?" You ask._

_She grabs the back of your head and kisses you. Hard. Your hands quickly snake themselves around her waist. Merlin, it feels so good to kiss her, so good to hold her like this. Her tongue slips into your mouth and soon you're sucking, biting, licking… it's amazing. _

_Then you're in this giant bed with her, and she's straddling you. You're so turned on, and flip her over so you're above her now. _

_Now she's under you, wearing only a lacy black bra and black see-through panties. You quickly wonder where her clothes went so fast. She's breathing heavily and her chest is heaving, and she bits her lip. She stares at your body, and you suddenly realize you're only wearing boxers now. You start kissing her again you play with the bottom of the bra. She pulls away and quickly unhooks the bra, and her breasts are out._

_And you kiss them, suck them, and she moans. Her hair fans out against the pillows. _

"_I want you. Right now, Sirius. I want you inside me." She says. She pulls off her panties, not breaking eye contact. _

_And she's laying in your bed, naked and begging you to fuck her. She rips off your boxers. You move on top of her, and you can feel she's wet. She's kissing you so hard, and you thrust into her. She moans loudly, and it feels fucking amazing. You begin to thrust in and out and she's moaning your name and saying "harder… oh, fuck me harder, Sirius!" and you're close now and she moans louder and louder…_

_And you're so close and…_

"PADFOOT!" a male voice said.

I opened my eyes and was met by a really bright light and Prongs and Wormtail standing over me, staring at me.

I look around and realize I'm in my regular sized bed and there is no Marlene McKinnon lying naked next to me. There's only Prongs, Wormtail, and now Moony, who has returned from opening the window. I'm tangled up in the sheets, and my body feels sweaty.

I sigh disappointedly.

"Merlin Padfoot, that's the third time this week!" Moony complains.

"What? What are you talking about? And why are you lot crowded around me?" I ask, glancing around at all of them, and clutching my comforter and bringing it higher up on my body.

"For the third time this week, you've woken us up with all you're moaning." Wormtail said defiantly.

"Yeah. It's getting strange, man." said Prongs. "I'll be sleeping and suddenly I'll hear 'oooh, ooh… Marley, yes… Ma-marl…mmmmm…Marlene…'"

"Shut it!" I yelled, flopping a pillow over my ears. "You don't have to tell the entire fucking castle!"

To be honest, every night in the past two weeks I've dreamt of her. Since she decided to give me bloody _sensual massage _to "work the kinks out", she's all I think about. Not just her body… just everything about her. Her smile, and her laugh… and her hair, and the way she's smart but not in the way where she needs to excel academically. And she loves Quidditch and she's rubbish at potions and she has a tendency to blow up at people at times… and she wears old t-shirts and shorts to bed instead of the nightgowns the other girls wear.

And in the dreams, sometimes we're only eating lunch together, holding hands and studying, and sometimes we're shagging… but the worst of all time was the one that I'd had a few nights ago.

I'd been sitting at a table in a house I didn't recognize, and Marlene came in wearing an apron and carrying a baby and…

Now _that _was the only really terrifying one.

And yeah, I'd had other dreams about girls… Just not this frequently. And never about anything else except shagging.

"Whatever mate, I think I'll ask Doe what she thi –"

"Moony, if you ever tell _anyone _about this, especially Doe or Marlene herself, I'll tell everyone that you wet the bed until you were ten!" I shot up in bed right as Moony was exiting the dorm.

He glared at me. "Fine." he spat at me, before turning again and leaving. "And it was only until nine and a half…" I heard him mutter.

Wormtail laughed and Prongs mischievously grinned.

"And _you_, if you tell anyone about this, I'll tell them about all the countless times I've heard you moaning for _Evans_." I said, pointing at Prongs.

His grin dropped. "Ok, ok… let's keep it cool. Neither will ever tell about the other moaning about _anyone_, ok?"

"Good." I said.

* * *

><p>For the first time since we'd almost kissed after Quidditch, Marlene looked at me during breakfast.<p>

Maybe she lifted her head accidentally, but once she caught my eyes she didn't look away.

So we sat there, during breakfast, basically having eye sex. Oh Merlin, her eyes had looked less blue in the dream… they were much more radiant in real life.

I wanted to touch her so badly, wanted to jump across the table and snog the life out of her, and make dreams a reality.

But then she looked away, and frowned.

Fuck. I'd really fucked it all, too far to be fixed.

* * *

><p>AN: BLACKINNON SEXUAL FRUSTRATIONNNNN (:

And I wanted to give Doe and Remus some happy times before all the angst comes later on (yes, more angst. I was in a bit of a mood when I wrote some of the later chapters). Plus I love writing from Remus' POV about Doe. It's so cuteandsweetandperfect… and I might be a little jealous of the fictional relationship between fictional characters that I created.

review?


	8. Valentine's Day, Tears, and Comfort

**Valentine's Day**

(Dorcas Meadows)

"There's something about Valentine's Day that really makes you want to kill yourself sometimes." Marlene said. The three other Gryffindor girls and I had just walked into the Great Hall, and had stopped to wait for two fifth years to stop sucking each other's faces off to let us pass.

I glanced to the Gryffindor table and saw Remus sitting, eating his breakfast. He looked up at me, jumped out of his seat, and literally _ran _at me.

He skidded a bit, stopping right in front of me, toe to toe. He then planted his lips on mine and rested his hands around my waist. I yelped in surprise but then started kissing him.

He bit my bottom lip, and I think I actually _moaned_ right there in the middle of the Great Hall.

"Oh Merlin." I heard Marlene said exasperatedly next to us. When I finally pulled away, I saw the entire Gryffindor table staring at us. Excluding that day when Remus snogged me in front of the entire Quidditch team, we weren't ones for PDA. I didn't know what had come over him.

"Sorry." He finally said, face the color of a tomato.

He took my hand and we both sat down to breakfast, trying our best to ignore the disapproving yet smiling faces of the teachers.

I looked over at James, who was trying to ask Lily something but she kept turning away. Then there was Mary, who was idly staring off into space and ignoring her steadily cooling bowl of oatmeal. Peter was nowhere to be found. Marlene was glaring at her toast and was either going to shout or cry… and Sirius looked as if he wanted to break something.

After breakfast, Remus grabbed my hand and we headed down to the carriages to get to Hogsmeade. He said he wanted to do something nice for Valentine's day, even though I'd told him that he didn't have to spend money on me.

"Are you ready?" He asked, an ear-splitting grin growing on his face. Merlin, he was so cute!

"You make it sound like we're about to go on some sort of expedition." I said, laughing. He grabbed my hand and I put my head on his shoulder. When the carriage finally stopped, he literally jumped out and led me down the path.

We walked for a while in silence, me holding lazily onto his hand.

He led me lower down the path to Tomes and Scrolls, a little bookshop that sold specialist books. I'd never been inside, but I've heard Lily talk about the variety of books they had and that it was the only place James Potter never thought to look for her.

When Remus opened the door, warmth flooded through us and our cheeks became red.

He smiled at me and he led me through the shop to the back.

At the back of the tiny shop, there was a large windowsill showing the end of Hogsmeade and the infinite trees that surrounded it. On top of the sill, a large picnic basket. When I turned back to look at Remus, he smiled nervously at me.

"Are we having a picnic?" I asked, grinning. Of course, Remus Lupin would think of an idea to pair a picnic with old books. Two of the things I'd mentioned I'd loved…

"Well, I wanted somewhere where we could be alone, and almost no one comes in here. Outside was too cold, and I thought we could look for books together or something…"

"Oh Remus, it's great." I said, and I kissed him. "It's perfect."

That afternoon, we ate and then weeded our way up and down the aisles between the racks of books, looking for things we found interesting. Remus had picked one about grindylows and their origins, and I was still looking.

"How about this one?" Remus said, flipping it over in his hand and reading the back. "It's about the invention of Floo powder?"

"Oh, that one sounds perfect!" I said, bounding over to him.

We went to the back and leaned against the wall, sitting on the floor. We held hands as we both read, caught up in the topics of our respective books.

That's one of the things I love about us. I loved that he loved reading.

Abruptly, he looked over at me and started grinning.

"What?"

He looked down at me. "You're wearing my sweater."

"So I am." I said, grinning no doubt bigger than him. Merlin, I could not handle him looking at me like that… He had this look in his eyes that could only be characterized as lust. I knew I wasn't much better, he was wearing dark jeans, trainers, and that dark blue sweater that I liked him in. Without warning, I threw my book down and literally _pounced _on him.

He was now on his back, on the carpeted floor of Tomes and Scrolls, with me straddling him. He laughed a bit, and then brought my face to his.

We kissed for a while until I heard footsteps. I suddenly jumped off of him and saw a bald, very short man staring at us. Half-grinning half-angry, he put his hands on his hips and coughed gruffly.

"…randy kids…" he mumbled as he walked away. I groaned at my embarrassment, and I felt my face heat up. I wanted to disappear.

"Sorry!" Remus said to the man, and sheepishly shrugged at me. He and grabbed my hand and pulled me up. I pulled my hair up into a pony-tail while Remus paid for his book and we left. The older man gave us a disapproving look as we left.

He suddenly started laughing, so hard he had to stop walking.

"What, Remus?"

He stopped laughing long enough to say, "He called us randy kids!" and started laughing again.

"Did you not hear that?" I asked, giggles spilling out of my mouth.

"No, I was trying to figure out what he'd said, and I just did!"

It wasn't long before we were both practically falling over from laughter. People were starting to stare at us, but I didn't even care. I was so happy that we were together, that I had someone to laugh with. And not just someone – I had Remus.

"Can we go back to the castle now?" I asked when we finally stopped laughing. "It's cold."

"Yeah." He said, still grinning like an idiot. He took my hand and we walked back to the carriages.

* * *

><p>AN: This next chapter takes place parallel to the one above with Remus and Dorcas.

* * *

><p><strong>Blood Runs Thick<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

I watched from across the room as Sirius got into his seat for History of Magic. The family tree project was turned in by both of us ages ago, before... well, before I knew. So now I sat with Dorcas near the back of the room. I sat down in my seat, and spread out my parchment and extra quills for class.

Sirius then appeared in the doorway, and I watched as he walked to his seat. He sauntered annoyingly, and for a second I felt like saying something to tease him. But I held my tongue.

He sat down next to James, munching on an apple and dropping his bag on the ground. James mumbled something at him, and he barked his recognizable laugh at whatever James had said.

Marlene then entered the room, and I watched as his head shot up and then straight back down at the parchment he'd just taken out. Marlene looked disapprovingly at him before taking her spot at a desk at the far left where Lily had been sitting.

He kept sneaking glances at her when he thought no one was looking. It made me happy and sad at the same time… in a strange way.

On one hand, I knew Marlene fancied Sirius just as much as he now so obviously did. And I was happy for them and thought that they should be together.

On the other hand, I couldn't help but feel jealous that I was not in her situation (obviously _not _with Sirius though). It just… sucks, not to feel wanted by anybody. It's like –

"Hey MacDonald!" I heard Sirius' voice say. I stopped looking idly at his bag on the floor and looked to his face.

"What?" I asked, annoyed that he put me off my train of thought.

"I'm flattered that you think I'm so attractive, but could you stop checking me out? it's hard to concentrate otherwise." he said, smirking in that way that was supposed to make girls weak at the knees. I wondered if he got that grin from his mother, or his _father_.

"Sorry, I was too busy staring at that disgusting thing in your hair…" I said, scrunching up my nose. I quickly transfigured a chunk of his hair into a giant slug sitting on his head.

"Wha –" he started, bringing his hand up to his hair. The entire class starting laughing uproariously as I sat back and crossed my arms in victory. James, after recovering from having a momentary laughing attack, grabbed the slug and threw it across the room and out the window. I resisted the urge to compliment him on his nice aim…

"That's low MacDonald, even for you. I thought we were bros!" He just said, still running his hands through his hair. He turned back around and continued doodling enchanted brooms and other Quidditch things.

After I recovered from laughing, I felt my heart constrict in my chest. _I thought we were bros!_ and once again my mind raced back to what I'd been trying to forget.

* * *

><p>I waited until the next weekend, which was excruciating. It was Valentines Day, but I had other things to deal with. As people were lining up and getting into carriages, I watched as Regulus got into a carriage with that git Snape, Avery, and this other Slytherin I didn't recognize.<p>

I watched Remus and Dorcas literally _jump _into a separate carriage by themselves

"Mary? Are you coming?" Lily's melodious voice called from the carriage closest to me. I quickly stepped into the carriage.

No one talked very much on the ride down, Marlene said something about getting her "blasted Quidditch gloves" and then "getting the hell out". Lily complained about James and the fact that it was his fault she didn't have a date (as per usual). Lily had asked me what was wrong, but I'd only smiled as best as I could and replied 'nothing'.

I had too much on my mind. I needed to catch Regulus before he disappeared with the Slytherins.

The carriage apruptly stopped, and Marlene and Lily jumped out as Snape stepped out of the carriage in front of us. I thought I caught a glimpse of the Marauders, James running after Lily. He took a long look at Lily, but didn't say anything. He turned, and the other Slytherins followed him.

I went after them.

"Mary, where are you going?" Lily asked. I ignored her.

The Slytherins walked quickly, I noted. They were all wearing black and green. Luckily for me, Regulus was slightly behind the others, and I reached out and jabbed my finger into his back.

"Regulus." I hissed, and he turned around.

Merlin, he looked strikingly similar to Sirius. He had the same color hair, same sort of face shape. But while Sirius' face was grins, jokes, teasing and laughter, Regulus' seemed to be sharp, quiet, cunning and…scared.

"What?" He hissed back, still walking. Then, realizing I was wearing red and gold and his fellow Slytherins would probably hex him for even talking to me, he pulled me off the path and down a hill, away from the village.

"Who are you?" he questioned, glancing around out of fear and suspicion.

"Mary MacDonald." I answered, doubting that this was even a good idea at all. What was I supposed to do? We'd never had more than two conversations over the years, and I was to randomly walk up to him and blurt out, 'hey, I'm your half-sister!'.

"Oh. You're in my bro – uh, you're in sixth aren't you?" He said. He coughed. "What do you want?"

"Um… well… I…" I spluttered. I swallowed, but my mouth had gone dry. "I don't know… know how to say –"

"What?" He said, impatiently. He was looking into my eyes now, and all I felt like doing was crying. I shouldn't have done this.

"I'm… we're… I'm adopted." I said. He raised his eyebrow at me.

"What does that have to do with me?" He asked calmly. Suddenly, I heard a leaf crunch farther up the hill. Regulus must have heard it too, because his eyes snapped to the top of the hill as well.

"Um… my dad… my dad is Orion Black." I muttered. I had to say it. His eyes widened.

"Is this a joke?" He asked suspiciously. I couldn't have blamed him, it did sound like a bad joke.

"No." I said softly.

"So you're saying you're my sister?"

"Half-sister." I said, looking at the ground.

"Stop. This isn't funny." He said coldly, turning as if to walk away.

"Regulus." I said, trying to stop him.

"You know my name?"

"Of course I do." I said. His eye brows crinkled.

"What are you playing at?"

"Regulus, I'm not joking!"

His eyes hardened. "You're just a filthy mudblood. I should have known it was a matter of time before you lot came around and tried to spoil everything us purebloods have worked for."

I couldn't fucking believe it. My fingers curled into fists.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I asked, my voice shaking. "You think I _want _to be related to you lot? Every single bloody one of you are… are filthy blood purists! It's just like a _Black _to be absolutely fucking certain that every witch or wizard that isn't in your little fucked up pure blood society to be constantly thinking up ways to become a part of it. Look at your fucking family! Practicing cruciatis curses on children, destroying people and their families. And every single one of you are destined to be the exact fucking same kind of cold, heartless people! I wish with every single fucking _ounce _of my heart that I could go back to being Mary MacDonald of the MacDonald _muggle_ family, instead of being a fucking product of your horrific standards of who should even deserve to _live _in the magical world!" I yelled.

Suddenly, I heard someone that wasn't Regulus breathe "What the fuck?". I looked up to the top of the hill to see Sirius Black, standing with one hand through his hair and the other stuffed in his pocket, mouth crushed into a tiny while line.

Regulus looked to Sirius and then back at me. He exhaled, looking beaten down and tired, and without even a parting word began to walk down the hill.

Sirius, on the other hand, started walking swiftly away, and I ran up the hill after him.

"Sirius! Sirius, wait!"

* * *

><p><strong>My Dad Fucked A Mudblood<strong>

(Sirius Black)

"Black! BLACK!" I heard her name call, but I just kept speeding away. "Sirius! Sirius, please!"

What a fucking horrible Valentines Day. The wind hit my face, so hard it was as if a thousand tiny knives were nicking my cheeks.

"Sirius!" I heard footsteps running after me, and stopped until they halted in front of my back.

I couldn't turn around… I just couldn't.

I didn't know what I was more angry about… the things that she'd said (which were inevitably true) or the fact that she chose to say them to Reg instead of me, even though we'd known each other for years.

"Black, I'm really sorry abou –"

"Save it." I said bitterly. "It's fucking true."

"No, no Sirius I didn't mean it about you –"

"Whatever you say now it doesn't make it any less true in the moment." I said, facing her. My cheek twitched, in the way that it does when your tear ducts start filling up with tears.

I've only cried twice in my life. Once when I fell and broke my arm when I was four, and then the night after I left home. And I wasn't about to add another time now.

She opened and closed her mouth like a fish several times, but said nothing. I tried not to notice the tears running down her face.

"Sirius, you're not like them. You're different, you're good; you're nothing like him."

"How do you fucking know?" I spat, staring at the ground.

"Sirius, you're not –"

"Sorry you have to be related so such fucking _horrible _people. I'm just another fucking 'product of a pureblood society' right?" I said, increasing in volume. I didn't think what I was saying was making any sense, but I didn't fucking care. But what she said _hurt_, because deep inside I knew that it was the truth.

Regulus had chosen that path. He was everything that she described, and I tried so hard not to be like him, or any of the others of Slytherin now.

"Sirius, please, I'm sorry, can't we talk?" She said, wiping the tears from under her eyes and pushing the black hair almost identical to mine off her face.

"Why don't you go talk to _Reg _about it." I said bitterly. "You seem to want to talk to him a great deal more than myself, so –"

"Sirius, please… stop..." she said, and stepped towards me as if to hug me, or something. I tore away, trying desperately not to cry.

"If you thought I was so fucking _different_ and _good_, why didn't you tell me about this? Why did you tell him instead?"

"I just…" she trailed off, pulling at her scarf, trying to find something to say.

I scoffed. "Congratulations MacDonald. Welcome to the fucking family." I said, turned back around. I could feel her eyes on my back, but stayed facing away. I was filled up with so much anger, I couldn't bare to look at her again.

"I'm sorry." she said finally. And then I heard her footsteps get farther and farther away, until I could be sure she was gone.

And then I sat down on the cold, hard earth. I let my legs collapse and I took the weight off my knees.

Everything she said had, in fact, been incredibly true. And it wasn't like I was defending them… but it still stung, because I'd always been terrified of not being strong enough to fight, and crawling back to that horrible house.

My parents hadn't married for love. No important pure-bloods ever did, and if they had, they were most likely only a scorch mark on the tree now. Purebloods married to form a bond, and to keep magic "away from the filthy mudbloods". It wasn't surprising that if my father had indeed had a baby with a half-blood that I would never have heard about it.

Mary Black. What an awful name.

Though she'd never be recorded on the family tree.

* * *

><p>When I glanced up again, it was growing dark and most had already went up to the castle. I trudged up the path, still thinking about my father and my missing spot on the tree at the estate.<p>

By the time I got back up to the boys dormitories, Wormtail, Prongs, and Moony were all waiting for me. Prongs was pacing back and forth and Wormtail was watching him nervously. Moony was just sitting on his bed.

"Pads, mate, where have you been? MacDonald ran up here, sobbing. What did you do? Did something happen to her?" Prongs pestered. I walked over and flopped on my bed.

"Padfoot, seriously. We're worried." Moony's reasonable voice said. I sat up.

"MacDonald's my sister." I said gruffly. "Half-sister, actually." The words sounded strange coming out of my mouth, like it was all sort of some big prank.

They all just stared back at me silently.

"Come on Pads -" Prongs asked tentatively.

"I'm not fucking _joking _Prongs." I said angrily, getting up off the bed. I felt as if I needed to run again, run anywhere.

"Ok, ok… how?" Moony asked, grabbing my arm and sitting me back down.

"My dad fucked a half-blood, and the baby's Mary." I said.

"Who told you this?"

"I saw her and Regulus walk off together at Hogsmeade, so I followed them. I overheard her telling him about it."

"So that's why she was crying?" Wormtail asked.

"Well, we kind of had a row…" I said, glancing away. I could literally feel Moony's disapproving stare across the bed.

"What are you going to do?" Prongs asked, still looking a bit cut-up from when I'd snapped at him before.

"There's nothing I really can do." I said, cracking my knuckles. "It's just… a thing. It's all out in the open now, and I suppose most of the Gryffindor house knows."

"I think we should all just get a good night's sleep." Moony said, rising off the bed. "It could do you some good."

* * *

><p>I tossed and turned that night, and finally managed to get a few hours of sleep.<p>

I kept thinking of my father, about how he had been livid about me not being sorted as a snake. About how he would glare disapprovingly at the Potters in my early years of Hogwarts, calling them "blood traitors" and how when he'd hear a last name he didn't recognize, he forbade me to talk to them or to even socialize with them. What a fucking hypocrite.

I felt so angry I could feel it in my bones.

* * *

><p>The next day at breakfast, MacDonald was nowhere to be seen. I pretended not to see the subtle glares of Marlene and the concerned glances back and forth of Moony, Prongs, Evans and Dorcas.<p>

I tried to ignore it all, everything. Just focus on eating.

Spoon in. Spoon to mouth. Bite. Chew. Spoon back in. Spoon to mouth –

"Hey." I looked up to see the face of my brother, pointedly not looking at the glares of the other Gryffindors seated around him.

He stood next to me, glancing around anywhere but my face. "I've got to talk to you."

"Fuck off." I mumbled, and turned back to my bowl of cereal.

Spoon in. Spoon to mouth. Chew. Spoon –

"No. This is important." he said incredulously. Exhausted, I finally just heaved myself up and followed him out of the Great Hall.

"What do you want?" I asked, exasperated. I really was in no mood for another fight with him. Ever since he'd started hanging around Snevillus and the other Slytherins, all he'd ever do was glare and try to provoke me into fighting.

"I want to talk about MacDonald."

"What about her?" I said, crossing my arms and glancing around. I was not letting my guard down for even a second.

"Cut the bullshit, I know you heard what she told me." He said, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah." I said. I didn't really know what to say. I didn't ever know what to say to him anymore. He wouldn't ever be the same Reg he had been when we were kids.

"No one can know." He said.

"Why? Worried dear old dad will be burned of the great family tree, are we now?" I said incredulously.

"No. But she might get hurt… you know how the family is." he said. "And, and she doesn't… she doesn't deserve any more of that."

We stared at each other for a long while. I couldn't believe he was actually showing _compassion_. It made me feel disgusted inside about the way I'd treated her…

"Fine. It'll stay between us." I said, and left.

* * *

><p>The thought of going to morning classes made me want to vomit.<p>

I ran up the steps to the passage Prongs and I had found in third year under the mirror on the fourth floor. We rarely used this passage because it let out directly behind the village, which usually had no purpose to us.

When I finally got out of the passage, a large pond came into view.

It was shielded by tall, pine trees, but had a grassy shore with rocks and stumps around the pond. I had forgotten how beautiful this little place was.

I remember when Prongs and I actually found this. At the time, we'd been excited we'd found another passage to add to the map, but then we'd realized that there was essentially nothing here, and left. I hadn't been back since until now.

I don't know what possessed me to come here, but I appreciated a quiet place to think. I needed to get away from my problems somehow.

I took out a box of cigs and lit one with my wand. I inhaled deeply, and watched as the gray smoke ascended into the sky, mingling with the deep green tops of the trees.

I knew I needed to face MacDonald soon. I needed to apologize for being such a prat, and see if she hated me too much.

As much as I denied it, I always felt a pang in my body whenever I'd see the Potters together, or Marlene joking with her brother. I had great friends… but sometimes I wanted a family. A real, loving family with parents that never used the cruciatis curse and actually made meals instead of abusing the house elves as the elves did it instead of them. How they all had this special bond of always being together, how "blood was thicker than water" (not a statement I wanted to use relating to _my _family, but all the same)

And maybe MacDonald could be that.

* * *

><p><strong>He Needed Me<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

As I watched my warm brown boots stumble down the uneven passageway, my heart felt heavy.

Last night Mary had burst into the common room, crying and almost dragging me into our dorms. She spilled the entire thing to Lily, Doe and I, and told us how Sirius detested her and how she never should have gone digging for anything that could have hurt us like this. She refused to leave bed that morning, and Sirius had acted like a robot during breakfast. No emotions, no words, nothing, didn't even care that everyone was desperately trying to figure out how he was.

At breakfast I saw Regulus, his brother pull him aside and he hadn't come back. My conscious was eating away at me, and I felt jittery not knowing where he was. What if he'd run away, picked a fight and gotten hexed? What if he was laying somewhere, bleeding out from provoking the wrong person?

I needed to make sure he was ok. Remus caught me looking around the castle, he said "Under the big mirror on the fourth floor. Tap twice. Follow the passage." without any explanation.

So here I was, walking through an impossibly dark and rough passage.

I finally started to see bright light at the end of the tunnel. I whispered "knox" and the light vanished from my wand's tip. When I finally emerged from the cave-like passageway, I had to blink several times while my eyes adjusted again.

And there he sat, sprawled out against a tree, smoking a fag. I watched as he inhaled deeply, held in his breath for a moment, and then exhaled. His eyes traveled with the gray smoke that floated up into the sky.

My legs hurt, so I stepped closer, but my foot snapped a twig with audible noise. He looked back down from the sky and frantically around. I watched him grab his wand.

"Who's there?" He questioned sharply. Maybe I shouldn't have come at all… "I said, who's there?" He stood up, and looked around some more.

"It's me." I said finally, walking out from behind a tree. If possible, he looked more nervous than when he hadn't known who was there.

"Hi." He said quietly. He turned away for a second, throwing the cigarette to the ground and putting it out with his shoe. He stayed turned around.

"Hi." I said. The word carried to much weight, after every that'd happened.

"So you're here to yell at me, right?" He said, sounding wounded. I wished he would turn around.

"No." I said simply.

"Then what are you doing here?" he asked, staring at the ground.

"Please turn around." He didn't. "_Sirius_, please." I almost begged, shoving my hands into my pockets in an attempt to keep warm.

When he finally turned, my heart ached. He looked so uncharacteristic in that moment. So unsure, so… tired, really.

Because if you knew Sirius Black, you knew that he was the opposite of that. Whether he'd gotten twelve or two hours of sleep a night, and looked like hell, he was always smiling. Always grinning, smirking… sure of himself, a step ahead of everyone else.

He ran his hands through his hair, and looked away from me.

"I know I'm a prick, ok. You don't have to tell me it again." He said.

"You act like one sometimes, it's true." I said. He winced. "And you may have everyone else fooled, but I know you're not. I know what you are."

"What am I?" He questioned, as if expecting me to yell at him again.

I took a deep breath. "You're a good person. You're loyal, and brave, and caring… and you know what's important. You're a _great man_, Sirius." I said honestly.

He smiled a bit, in that perfect way that I'd seen many times, but still never enough to be sick of it. I realized that we were still standing a couple feet away from each other, so I stepped close to him.

We stared at each other for a moment before I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. I buried my face in his chest.

My heart was soaring at the contact of his body against mine, but also constricting from the way he almost crumpled into my embrace, as if completely exhausted.

I inhaled and smelled a strong scent of leather, bonfire, and trees. I closed my eyes and tried to memorize this smell, this feeling of being in his arms, smelling him.

We hugged for almost too long, just standing there, gripping each other in the rough February air.

"I need to talk to Mary." He finally said into my ear. I shivered a bit at his warm breath in my ear, and let go. We walked side-by-side back through the passageway and up to Gryffindor tower. He didn't say anything the entire time, and neither did I.

When we entered the Gryffindor common room, Peter and Remus were playing wizard's chess and the fire was crackling softly. They both looked up when we walked in, both looking grateful that Sirius was still alive.

I nodded at Sirius and walked up the steps into the girls' dormitories. Sure enough, Mary and Lily were both sitting on Mary's bed eating Honeydukes chocolate and talking.

"Mary, Sirius wants to talk to you." I said from the doorway. Mary's face fell.

"Marl –"

"Please Mary." I said. "Just hear him out."

She sighed, but got up out of bed and pulled on some pants over her sleep shorts. She shuffled out of the dorm, leaving Lily looking at me expectantly.

"Don't look at me like that Lils." I said, flopping next to her on Mary's bed.

"Why the sudden alliance with Black?" she asked, sounding as teasingly normal as could be under the circumstances.

I took a deep breath.

"He needed me."

* * *

><p>AN: Review pleeeease?


	9. Letters, Smoke, and Want

A/N: Hello! These are chapters 34, 35, and 36. I'd already posted chapters 34 and 35, so if you read them before I took them off, then this won't be new for you. However, because of the way I spaced out the chapters, I wanted these grouped together. I'll try to update this quicker, even though I've started another story (_yes_, I know it probably wasn't the smartest thing to start another story when I wasn't even done this one, but hey, I've always been kind of stupid).

Hope you enjoy!

* * *

><p><strong>The Letter<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

"Where's Mary?" I asked Doe that morning. It was the morning after Valentine's Day. While Doe and I had had a great time during the day, when we'd both gotten back to the dorms, Mary was crying and Sirius was no where to be found. He'd gotten back and told us about his relation to Mary, and then the next morning after breakfast took off.

He'd come back with Marlene later that night, and we'd all left for him to talk with Mary. I was asleep when I came back, and he was already gone from the dorm once I'd woken up.

"Left late last night. Saying something about how she needed to figure out who she was. She's gone back to her parents house for the time being." Doe said, with obvious worry in her voice.

"That'll be good for her, won't it?" I ask, kissing her on the cheek.

"Yes. It all just happened so suddenly. I mean, I'm kind of angry with myself. I could tell something was wrong, but I didn't say anything." She sighed. "She kept saying how she was 'fine' or 'tired' or 'sick'. But I should have known. I should have –"

"Hey." I stopped her. "None of this is any of our faults, least of all theirs. And when stuff like this happens, we can only try to be the best friends we can, and be there for them. We can't do anything past that."

"I know." She said, and kissed me lightly. "I know."

Classes were a nightmare. Everyone seemed to be asking where Mary was and why, and none of us knew quite what to say. The teachers all knew, but apart from that, we knew Mary wouldn't want the entire school finding out when she was even there.

Sirius seemed withdrawn, cold, and exhausted. He was oblivious to the constant glances Marlene threw him throughout the day. He'd come back to the dormitories after dinner and pulled his bed curtains shut. James seemed confused on what to do, so he too went to bed, followed by Peter.

Eventually, I too got into bed, but couldn't seem to sleep. I hoped things would get better soon, and Mary would come back.

* * *

><p>(Marlene McKinnon)<p>

Bloody hell. All of this happening, everything with Mary and the uncertainty among our friends… and James wanted to talk about _Quidditch?_

I sat in the common room while James was talking my ear off about a new play he'd worked out. Some fifth years gave him more than a few death glares for his overly excited retelling of how the Canons won in '67 using this _very same play_.

"James." I said, stopping him. "Why don't we go into the boys' dormitories. It's… quieter there."

A got a few curious looks from skeptical Gryffindors about me even suggesting that, as a girl, I should be accompanying a _boy _to their dorm.

But James just shrugged and went up the steps.

Once inside, I closed the door and sat on the floor next to James. He smiled the same strained, too-large smile he'd been plastering onto his face since Valentine's Day.

"So… anyway, the chasers will –"

"James… stop." I said, taking his hands. They were clammy. "What's wrong with you? Why are you insisting we talk about Quidditch at a time like this. Mary's gone, Sirius is basically gone… and the rest of us are so unsure of what to do that we're doing nothing at all."

He sighed. His eyebrows furrowed considerably. "I'm just trying to make things feel normal." He said with another forced smile.

"Have you ever noticed that when everyone's down, you're the one to lift us up?" I asked him. He looked at me questioningly, but I continued. "James, you don't always have to be the strong one. We're all worried about Sirius, and I'm sure you are more than anyone. Everyone knows you two are brothers… and sometimes you just have to let people be upset before getting happy again."

He was quiet for a while, and dropped my hands. They landed on the ground with a light thud.

"I've got to go." He said, standing up. I looked up at him from the ground.

"James…"

"I've got… I'm going to go… run." He finally said, taking off still in his robes. The door shut softly behind him.

The silence in the boys dormitories echoed in my ears, and all I could do is look at Sirius' bed. I knew which one it was instantly, it smelled so amazingly like _him_, like everything he was.

I couldn't help getting up and standing next to it, smelling it, but not daring to touch it. A night table to the side of his bed stared at me, begging me to snoop through it.

No, I couldn't. I couldn't. It was his personal space, and I knew I'd hate it if he'd snooped through my night table…

But still, no matter how much I tried to stop it, my hand reached out and opened the top drawer.

There was a half-bottle of firewhisky, sitting on it's side. I snorted a bit, of course Black would have that next to his bed. Some extra quills and a few rolls of parchment were also in there, but nothing else.

I reached down and opened the middle drawer, which held a lot more than the first did. It had two bars of un-opened Honeydukes chocolate, a comb, _Quidditch Through the Ages, _a couple muggle books (which I was _very _surprised by), _more _quills, a tie, a copy of the disgusting porn-magazine _Baddest Witches_ (which I practically gagged at), and a piece of balled up paper.

Intrigued, I unfolded the paper.

* * *

><p><em>January 6, 1976<em>

_Dear Marlene, _

_I know you're upset with me, because I've been such a prick._

_I'm not really great with words. That's more Moony's thing. And I knew you probably wouldn't like anything like what Prongs does for Evans, so I thought I could just write down everything I felt, and then maybe you'd understand._

_First of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for drunkenly snogging you. I feel like I took advantage of you or something, and I'm just… sorry. And then I'm sorry for acting like a prat after. And I'm sorry for you seeing McAllister and I like that too. I don't know why I snogged her at that time… I guess I was just trying to make you hurt like I did when I saw you with Diggory._

_It hurt me more than you will ever know. So I acted like an idiot because of that. _

_I don't really know how to act around you now. You're amazing in every single fucking way, and you're always a step ahead of everyone else, which is brilliant. It's killing me not to be able to be near you, not to be able to talk to you._

_I really like you. And that scares me. But you make me want to be different. Better. Fucking hell that sounds like a pansy… but I don't care. _

_The problem is I don't know how to show it. Look at what I've had as a model. My parents, my cousins, my sisters even. We were never taught to show love. We were told that love and care and kindness equaled weakness. _

_So since before I can remember, I bottled them up and refused to confront them. And then you happened. You tore through my life and made me _feel_. But I pushed my feelings away, like the giant prick I am._

_And I don't care that you're with Diggory, you need to know this. I don't care that you're doing fine without me and I don't care that you probably don't feel the same anymore._

_I want you. I want be with you._

_Only you._

_- Sirius_

* * *

><p>My shaking hands dropped the paper. I watched as it fluttered to the floor, and suddenly I collapsed onto the floor leaning against his bed. I brought my legs to my chest and covered my face.<p>

Merlin, why had he not sent this? Did he ever intend to send it? Too many questions flew through my mind at an increasingly alarming rate. I could not believe he'd… he felt this way.

Suddenly, my head shot up. Maybe he didn't feel this way anymore. Maybe it was how he felt when I was with Diggory, just wanting something that was 'someone else's'. Was it a prank? A joke?

I half-expected the Marauders to all jump out from under the beds, throw a pie in my face and say "Marlene McKinnon, you've been pranked!" and then turn to each other and yell something like, "Did you see her face! Priceless!"

I hastily ran out of the dorm, knocking into Remus and practically sending him flying.

"Hey Marlene, are you ok?" He said, grabbing my elbows to balance us. When we finally returned to steady ground, I replied,

"Yeah. Never better. Well, bye Remus." and promptly ran up to the girls' dormitories. I needed to be alone, yet at the same time I felt like I needed to find Sirius.

I crawled into my bed, thanking Merlin that no one was here and I could curl into bed before dinner and not be questioned yet.

I closed my eyes and realized how actually tired I was. But at the brink of sleep my eyes suddenly shot open.

Merlin's fucking beard! The letter! I'd left it on the fucking _floor_! I jumped out of bed, but before exiting the room I stopped myself.

What if Sirius was back? Going in would make it super awkward. And there's no way that Remus hadn't already been curious of the crinkled piece of paper sitting on the wooden floor. Remus was one for details.

Oh Merlin, how do I manage to fuck everything up all the time? Shit, shit, SHIT! All I could think was a conscious stream of curse words and that I was the stupidest human in all of Europe. Probably even the world.

I got back into bed, feeling shittier than I had before.

Shit.

* * *

><p>Quick AN: this is meant to be taking place at the same time are the previous chapter, and then onward.

* * *

><p><strong>Smoke?<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

I walked down the hallway, clutching my books to my chest. I don't know why I was so cut-up about this Mary thing. I almost felt as if I didn't have the right to be this wrapped up in it, like I was trying to make it about me. But I was still beating myself up about not asking Mary what was wrong sooner.

Marlene had known, she'd taken care of Mary. I wished we were close enough for that.

"Little Dorcas Meadows all alone?" I heard a voice say from behind me. I turned about and came face-to-face with Greta Harper, Jilly Honks, and Dory Gray.

"What?" I said, quietly with disbelief.

It had been years since Greta had spoken even a word to me. Since third year, actually.

"I knew it was just a matter of time before Lily and the others found out what a _freak _she is." Jilly said to Dory, but all the while staring coldly at me.

"And now look at her." Greta smirked, circling me like a shark. My grip on my books tightened. "All alone again."

"Or maybe she's too good for friends." Jilly said, stepping closer to me. "You think you're so _above _everyone, don't you Dorcas?"

"You're not." said Greta from behind me. My knuckles were now white from holding onto my books so tightly.

"I don't think that." I said, despite the smarter part of my brain that was telling me to just walk away. Dory stood in front of me, just staring at my shoes. I remembered she was always the quieter one.

"Oh, third year ring any bells?" Greta asked, her lips forming into a tight white line. "When you suddenly decided we weren't worth shit?"

I opened my mouth to say something, but as soon as they came, they were gone. I watched them walking away and my heart sank. We hadn't spoken in _three years _and then they decide out of the blue to pinpoint me? Also, in the back of my brain, I felt guilt, because what they said about third year was true.

"I don't – I –" I spluttered. This entire interaction confused me.

"Well, at least she's back to the outcast she was before." Jilly said, laughing and elbowing Greta. Greta ignored it.

"Anyway. Better watch out _Dorky_." She said, grinning and crossing her arms. "You've got a target on your back now."

Merlin, I was a mess. I was close to the staircase when I glanced out of the window and saw a familiar black haired male sprawled out on the grass. I debated whether I should run down and try to talk to him, or whether I should leave it alone.

In the end, curiosity willed out and I found myself trotting down the hill of the grass in front of the door to meet Sirius.

I sat down next to him, and he gave me a sidelong glace. He then looked away and took another drag of the cigarette he was smoking.

Inside I was still replaying the conversation I'd had earlier, but I decided I might as well say something after interrupting his peace.

"Why do you smoke Sirius?" I suddenly asked. He looked up.

"Dunno. Bad habit?" He said, inspecting the cigarette that lay between his fingers.

"Why'd you start?"

He exhaled a breath of smoke and simply said, "To relax."

A long pause went by before he mumbled, "…wish I would stop."

Without a moments thought I grabbed his bag that was sitting in between us and plucked a cigarette from the box sticking out from the side pocket. It was weird, I didn't think I'd seen him carry a bag ever until now.

As I held the unlit cigarette between my fingers, Sirius looked at me obviously confused.

"Just give me a light Black." I said. It took a minute, but he slowly lit my cigarette with his wand.

Trying to remember what I'd done wrong down by the stream, I inhaled, kept it in for a second, and then exhaled. I was rather surprised at myself for doing it without coughing, and I think Sirius was too.

But he didn't say anything.

"So…" I said after a while. "Are you ok?"

"No."

I smiled a bit at his answer. "At least you're honest."

He cracked a smile, and then looked away. "So Remus really likes you."

I felt myself blush. "Really…" No matter how many times I kissed him or he told me I was beautiful, I was still surprised that he genuinely cared for me.

"Yeah." he said, smirking. "Can't stop talking about you." He leaned into me, and I smelled a powerful scent of cigarettes and leather. "All the bloody time."

I laughed. He smiled too.

"It must be nice." he said softly, pulling out a chunk of grass from the lawn and throwing it back down.

"What?" I asked, attempting to successfully smoke again. Surprisingly, it actually did make me feel calmer.

"To be happy like that." He muttered back. My heart ached for him. I knew the Mary thing was taking a serious toll on him, more so than me. I also knew that he didn't mean only Mary. "To have all that mushy gushy stuff that all girls love."

"Sirius…"

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

"If you're going to say it's my fucking fault, I already know." I muttered under my breath. Dorcas inhaled from her cigarette before exhaling and looking at me.

She looked at the ground before looking back up at me. "That wasn't what I was going to say at all."

"_Whatever_ are you talking about?" I asked confusedly, covering my slip. I didn't think she'd heard that.

"Cut the crap, Black." She said. "I know all about you and Marlene."

"There's no 'me and Marlene'" I said, my heart slightly sinking at the statement. "Why would you say that?"

"I've got eyes, haven't I?" She said matter of factly.

"Well then genius, what were you going to say?"

"Just that… you've both hurt each other. You've both gotten hurt by the other too. But as much as neither of you are willing to voice, she needs you Sirius. And you need her, more than you care to admit to yourself." Dorcas said calmly, before laying down on the grass and staring up at the clouds. The sun was setting, and the sky was a light purple.

I lay down next to her.

"You're very smart, you know that?" I asked. She giggled a bit.

"Just trying to be a good friend, is all." she said quietly. I smiled.

"So we're friends?" I asked, smirking.

"Yes." she replied firmly. Her cigarette was getting shorter.

I chuckled.

We laid there for a while, just taking puffs of our cigarettes until they finished, and then some after that. A breeze shifted through her hair, causing a few pieces to hit me in the face.

I spit them out of my mouth, and Dorcas turned her head and looked at me.

"Dorcas, I just ate your hair." I said, throwing her hair over her face. She started laughing loudly, and I followed suit.

We got up and walked back to the castle, and I was grateful that she had made me laugh.

I'd needed it.

* * *

><p>By the time I got up to the dorms, Moony was sitting on his bed, holding a crumpled up piece of paper that looked exactly like…<p>

"Moony, what is that?" I asked, horrified.

"Pads, this was on the floor when I came up to the dorm… Were you ever going to send this?" He asked, holding up the paper in disbelief.

I snatched it out of his hands and crumpled it up. Merlin, I knew I should have burned that letter as soon as I finished it!

I'd written it as soon as we'd gotten back from break, but struggled back and forth between sending it to her or not. And then Prongs had strode into the room and I'd balled it up and threw it…

Into my night table drawer.

"Moony, did you go through my night table drawers?" I asked suspiciously.

"No!" He exclaimed. "I told you, it was sitting on the floor when I came in. If you didn't want me to read it, don't leave it lying around between our beds!"

"I didn't leave it out! It was in _my _night table!" I argued back. Who had taken this out? Who'd seen it? Would they tell her?

Prongs entered right at that second. He was grinning before seeing our tense faces, and his smile fell.

"What's happened?" he asked.

"Prongs, did you go through my drawers?" I asked, crumpling up the paper even further. I could not _believe _that there was someone out there who'd read that letter… that VERY personal letter that contained all of my fucking PERSONAL feelings!

"No!" He exclaimed. Suddenly, something changed in his eyes and he bit his lip and looked down.

"What Prongs? Why do you look like that?" I asked nervously.

"Er… don't get mad, ok?" He said, wringing his hands. My nerves were growing larger by the second.

"Prongs, _what _did you do?" I asked again.

He swallowed hard. "See, I was down with Jel – McKinnon in the common room, but then she said she didn't want to disturb these fifth years that were studying for the OWLs, but I was wondering why they didn't just go to the library, I mean, what are those even for if not studying in peace and quiet –"

"Prongs." I said dangerously. He had this annoying character trait to babble when he was nervous.

"So McKinnon and I came up _here_, and then I left… but she was still here." he finished. My hands turned into fists.

"So you left Mar – McKinnon up here, alone, unsupervised, without anyone watching?" I yelled in disbelief. Prongs just cowered.

"Uh… yes?"

"What's going on?" Wormtail suddenly said, entering the dorm. Moony put his face in his hands.

"_Nothing_." I said, still scathing. "Prongs just ruined my life."

"Why? What'd she find?" Prongs asked. I glared at him.

"What did Prongs do?" Wormtail asked again, glancing around at all of us in our various states of worry.

I exhaled and just decided to drop it, I didn't want more questions about the letter anyway. Moony was still looking at me with extreme disbelief, and it was really starting to irk me.

"Nothing. It… it doesn't matter." I dismissed it tensely. Prongs looked relieved and Wormtail still looked confused.

An awkward pause went by before Prongs coughed.

"So, er, anyone want to play Exploding Snaps?" Wormtail piped up.

"Yeah! Get out the firewhiskey, we'll make a night of it." Prongs said cheerily. Mooney smiled and started to leave the dorm.

"You coming Pads?"

I swallowed. "Not tonight mate. Sorry."

He looked back at me guiltily, and then shut the door.

I flopped down angrily on my bed.

What was I going to do? Marlene had read the letter. She had to have.

What did this mean? She'd seen it… but I hadn't spoken to her since she'd come to find me at the pond.

I desperately wished I could read her mind, I wished with all my heart that there wasn't so much uncertainty in all of this. But most life was uncertain, never a 100% guarantee. There were always the odds, the odds that after all of this she still didn't trust me. There were always odds.

I forced myself to shut my eyes, think about something else…

* * *

><p><strong>I Want You Too<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

We had a pattern when it came to behaving around each other. We would do something crazy, say something hurtful, get caught up in special moments… and then after, avoid each other at all costs.

Trudging back up from wandering around the castle, I started to think about things. Isn't it always like that? Sometimes I think you can only think clearly at night. During the day everything seems loud and ordinary… and then at night everything is dark and quiet and… just… clear.

What was wrong with me? Who thinks of things like that?

I guess I had too much time on my hands. I'm surprised, though, I've spent this entire week strategically avoiding Sirius Black. And believe me, it was exhausting.

And I was tired. So physically and emotionally tired from this month _already_, but suddenly I was wired and full of jittery energy when I entered the common room. It always happened this way when I was around him… I suddenly became hyper-aware of my surroundings and him.

"Hi." He said suddenly. It was a bit scary, like those super villains who had eyes in the back of their head. How'd he even know I was there? I bit my lip to stop from laughing at the image.

He sat on the large leather couch in the Gryffindor common room. He was hunched over, warming his hands at the fire. I wished I could see his face. A few loitering fourth years were still around, but looked as if they were leaving soon.

"Hi." I said, catching myself wringing my hands. We hadn't spoken since that late afternoon by the pond, after all, and his voice sounded foreign to my ears.

"So I heard you found my letter." He said rather quietly. He was still facing away from me, but I could tell from his tone that he was upset about it.

Well shit, I'd be upset to if the positions were switched! A pang of guilt jabbed into my stomach.

I said nothing for a while before I said, "yeah." My mind seemed to be going blank, desperately searching for something to say and finding nothing.

I came down around the couch and sat next to him. There was about nine inches separating us, but it felt like miles. I wanted to be closer to him. He leaned back onto the couch. He had his uniform still on, but not his robes. His tie crinkled as he slouched back. I suppressed the urge to straighten it.

In that moment, all I saw was the crinkle in his tie. The urge was so strong I had to sit on my hands to stop them from moving over to his chest. It rose up and down on his chest as he breathed. I felt his eyes on me, but I couldn't bring myself to look up into them.

I simply hated the silence, it hung like a veil separating us from each other. Sitting next to him, I was hypersensitive of my body in relation to his.

Neither of us said anything until I couldn't hold it in any longer. "Why didn't you send it?" I asked.

He looked surprised by that question. "I just… I… er… well, it just…" he stuttered. He wiped his palms on his trousers. "Um…" He stared into the fire, then back at me, and breathed out dejectedly. "Dunno."

"You should have." I said honestly, looking straight into the fire. I couldn't bare look at his face.

He huffed. "We weren't exactly on the best terms. You were with that twat –"

"You were with _Shannon_." I said back angrily.

"I was never _with _Shannon like that. I don't like her –"

"Then why did you kiss her?" I asked him, feeling a tightening feeling in my stomach. I watched him grimace.

"I don't know." He said in a strong but confessing tone.

"No Sirius. _Why_. Honestly." I said firmly. I wanted to know the truth, the full truth because I knew he was bullshitting me.

"I said _I don't know_. Why does it matter so much?"

"Because I need to know!" I suddenly yelled. I swept my hair out of my face and tried to stop from crying.

I refused to cry. I would be strong.

He didn't say anything, just looked away.

"I did it to try to get over you." He said quietly. My stomach jumped into my throat. "And I couldn't."

He was looking at me with this strange, intense emotion in his eyes.

"Diggory broke up with me because he said I was in love with you." I blurted out.

What the hell was wrong with me? I definitely just admitted that I was in love with him… Why did my mind say one thing and my mouth say another?

Fuck, I was a mess.

His face was so close to mine. His hand came up and held my cheek and a bit into my hair.

He was getting closer and closer to my lips, moving at a painfully slow pace. My breath was becoming ragged, and I felt myself coming undone.

"Look, just so you know – " I whispered in this strange, strangled whisper, but I never got to finish. His lips pressed against mine, and I lost my breath. It was soft, not at all like I'd expect Sirius Black to kiss, according to my imagination and experience.

Inside, I felt like I was exploding.

He pulled away, exhaling. I hadn't noticed, but I hadn't been breathing either. He smiled his crooked smile, and looked as if he might kiss me again. Before he could get to my lips, I stopped him by putting my hand on his chest.

"What?" He asked, confused.

"I just… I…" now it was my turn to stutter. ""You don't know what you do to me… you make me feel like I'm on fire every time I'm around you, and I can't seem to make coherent decisions…"

"I –"

"I want to know that I won't be hurt again. We've both hurt because of each other this year, and I… I can't get involved with you if that means more hurt." I whispered.

"Marley –"

"And if you're going to say –"

"Marlene!" He said, louder than I expected him to. "You've got such a big mouth, you know that?" He grabbed my hands. They burned when he touched me.

"What I was going to say… is that I can't promise you that. I can't promise you that you'll never get hurt by me and you can't promise me that either. But I can promise that I'll try my damn hardest not to. That's how life is, we do the best we can… and when we fuck up, we put each other back together again." He said softly.

My throat choked up, and my heart ached. I swallowed hard, and he looked straight into my eyes.

A long silence went by until I couldn't control myself anymore.

I grabbed the back of his neck roughly and pulled him towards me. Our lips met and I had to swallow a moan. I was hungry for his lips against mine, and I couldn't go back now.

"I want you too." I whispered to him between our lips. He quickly brought his lips back to mine, harder than the first two kisses had been, but I wasn't complaining.

My head swam and I had to work hard to control my breathing. I felt like I was drowning in _him_, in his scent and his sounds. One hand held my lower back and one was in my hair.

He kissed me harder, and I felt him sigh into my mouth. I was so overwhelmed with emotions that all my doubting thoughts about him flew away. I pulled him on top of me and leaned against the arm of the couch.

When he finally pulled away, my body felt horribly cold without his warmth against me.

He had this beautiful half-smile on his face. I realized I was breathing embarrassingly heavily, so I tried to close my mouth and keep it in.

He gently sat up, and helped me stand up. He chuckled when I stumbled back onto the couch, and he pulled me up again and stood me on my own. He finally pulled away from me, and my arms reached out for him.

I desperately wanted to touch him again, but he smiled at me.

"We should get to bed… or… or something." He mumbled, but as I stepped towards him and moved his arms to the small of my back and brought me close to him again. My heart sank at the idea of him leaving. I was sure he could feel my heart beating out of my chest.

"Promise things won't be different tomorrow morning?" I whispered honestly into his chest. I let my arms return to around his neck, and he sighed again.

He pressed his cheek to my temple, and quietly barked a laugh. I reluctantly lifted my arms off his neck.

"Promise." He said, and kissed me again. He then turned and walked up the stairs to the boys' dormitories.

I walked up the stairs to my respective dorm not too long after, fingers on my lips and mind whirling. My body felt as if I might collapse at any second, but my mind seemed to be thinking at a mile a minute.

And I believed him.

* * *

><p>AN: eeeeeeek!

They're _finally _together!

Review please! Love you all xx


	10. Cigarettes, Snogging, and Parties

**Like Waking Up From A Life-Threatening Coma**

(Marlene McKinnon)

That morning, I wake up with a smile on my face. I can't help it. My mind wouldn't stop replaying what he'd said last night, and how his body felt against mine.

I sat up, opened my bed curtains and stretched my arms.

The girls were eying me all morning, kept asking me what was up, but I said nothing.

Because you know when something really great and amazing and satisfying happens, and you feel like it's all yours and perfect and un-tainted?

Yeah. And telling people always ruins things.

I figured they'd find out soon anyway.

I bust out of the dorms, eager and anxious to see him, but he wasn't in the common room.

The entire walk to breakfast I walked ahead of Lily and Cas, who were no doubt whispering about my weird behavior.

* * *

><p>We were outside the doorway when the front door opened, and in came Mary with her trunk and other bags, escorted by none other than <em>Dumbledore <em>himself. She was frowning, and moving slowly. She wore a black coat, black jeans and black shoes. Her hair looked matted and the bags under her eyes were hard to ignore. She seemed to be breathing slowly and trudging a bit behind Dumbledore.

He smiled when he saw us, but Mary didn't.

"Mary." Lily said, half-way between excitement and guilt. We walked over to her and took turns hugging her. When I finally went to hug her, she didn't put her arms around me. She felt unnaturally cold, even after being out in this weather.

She mumbled, "Hey Marlene."

I could see students from inside the Great Hall craning their necks and standing up at their seats to try to see what was happening, and I think Mary could too. She quickly looked away, then at Dumbledore, than at her shoes.

Lily was smiling a strained smile at her and Dumbledore, while Cas was seemingly trying to catch Mary's eyes. Dumbledore turned to Mary.

"I'll be leaving now." He said, clasping his hand on her shoulder. "I think you're in good hands." He strode away, up the steps and out of sight.

The three of us stood across from Mary, staring at her in silence. And she looked anywhere but us, until she looked up at my face.

"I went to my… my parents' house." she said. She slid her hands into her jacket pockets. "They said they thought I needed to hear everything now that I had 'finally calmed down'. They told me they thought it 'wasn't something I needed to know'. After getting angry with them, because they said I had no right to be angry, I ran away with all my school stuff. And then early this morning Dumbledore found me and he took me back here."

"Oh Mary –" Lily started, but Mary just looked away.

"It's fine really. I'm back." She mumbled. She then turned to walk up the steps to the dormitories as six house elves, who seemed to appear from nowhere, grabbed her things.

I turned to both of them, who just stared back at me. Both were pale-faced, wringing their hands and looking after her desperately.

"I'm sure she's ok." I said, trying to sound reassuring.

"She's not." Lily said. "But we'll talk to her later." Her and Cas both turned and walked toward the Great Hall, and I hurried to catch up with them.

I spotted Sirius, the only one who was not looking at us but staring into his oatmeal, sitting with the other Marauders.

He looked so cute, hair falling over his face…

I slid into a spot on the bench next to him, who looked at me and smiled weakly.

A silence fell over the table, but eventually the whispers and murmurs started up again, and Remus, wringing his hands and looking around, tried to defuse the tension.

"So that Transfigurations essay was quite hard, don't you think Lily?"

Lily nodded. "Yes, sure Remus."

"I didn't think so. But that's probably just because of my genius and utter awesomeness, so…"

"Potter, shut it." Lily groaned. "You're _so _irritating. Don't you have others to bother?"

This awkward attempt at normalcy continued with neither Sirius nor I saying anything.

Under the table, I felt his hand grasp mine.

"Is she mad at me?" I heard him mutter to me.

"No. More at her parents for not telling her, I think." I said back. He didn't reply.

* * *

><p>Finally, after what seemed like far too long, breakfast ended. Mary showed up on time for Transfiguration, but did not say anything to any of us after, merely left.<p>

Cas and Remus slipped away after that, and then Lily complained about needing a book from the library for our next class, and left. Then there was just me, James and Sirius.

"…Not to be rude mate, but scram." Sirius suddenly said. James grinned.

"But I wanna stay with you guys!" James whined, pulling me by my hips away from Sirius.

"_James_! Let go of me!" I whined back, punching and slapping his arms that were holding me. Sirius growled.

"Alright, alright fine. You two go off and have a right good snog. I'll just wander the halls alone and depressed." James said. Sirius grabbed my hand and led me away from James, both of us grinning back at him. "Yep, that's fine. I'll be here! All my by lonesome!"

Sirius barked a laugh, and then took off at almost a run, pulling me with him.

"You told him?"

"He's my best mate." Sirius laughed. "He sort of figured it out when I came up to the dorm late and grinning like an idiot."

My stomach flopped delightfully.

"Sirius, where are we going?" I asked, laughing giddily. He suddenly stopped in an empty corridor.

"Here." He muttered, before planting a kiss on my mouth. I grabbed his neck hungrily and kissed him back. His arms held me around my hips, and he walked me backwards until my back hit the wall.

He pulled away and mumbled, "It feels so good to kiss you."

"Likewise." I said grinning.

"I've wanted to do that since the beginning of this year." He admitted, kissing my cheek, then the other, then my chin, then my forehead.

"I've wanted to jump you since forth year…" I replied, playing with his shirt color. He smirked.

"Well, who can blame you? I am rather irresistible." He said.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. "You're lucky you're cute, otherwise I might have to slap you." I said, kissing him again.

"So… what's with Mary?" He asked cautiously after pulling away, looking at the floor. I swallowed.

"I dunno. Just came back from her… uh, her parents house this morning. Her parents weren't so keen on her wanting to know details, and she says they thought she over-reacted. She's not happy, I can tell that." I admitted. He looked like he was in deep thought, his brow furrowed up like that.

I kissed him again, but he pulled back quickly.

"Well… well how –"

"Sirius, she just came back this morning. She doesn't want to talk about it with us." I interrupted. "Maybe you could try talking…"

"I just… I want to know how she is. I feel responsible for her in some way." He said, leaning on his hand, which was pushing against the wall behind me.

"I know." I said reassuringly. "I want to talk to her too. She's one of my best mates. But I know that when she wants to talk, she'll come to me."

He nodded his head. "I guess you're right. Sorry."

"Come on. We've got to get to class sometime."

"Why?" He whined like a little kid. It made me smile.

"Sirius, come on. We can snog some more later, promise." I said teasingly, taking off in the other direction. A moment passed before I felt his arms wrap around me.

And there I was. Running down the Hogwarts hallway, Sirius Black's arms wrapped lazily around my waist.

It's almost comical how weird it felt. Like I expected myself to wake up from some life-threatening coma, having suffered severe brain damage and fever dreams.

But it was real. And I couldn't be happier.

* * *

><p><strong>Like the Stars in The Sky<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

"Hey Mary…" a voice said from outside my curtains.

"Whaaaa?" I incoherently said back. My eyes were closed, but I could still sense that my curtains were still blissfully closed to the morning light.

"Mary it's time to get up." another voice said. I'm pretty sure it was Lily.

"No." I said, turning over and burrowing into the covers.

"Mary, open your curtains." Lily said again.

"No."

"Mary there's no use moping about. Just get up!" Lily insisted.

"No, Lils!" I yelled back.

"Mary, you'll miss breakfast. You've got to be hungry!" Cas said.

"Just let her sleep." I heard Marlene mumble to Lily, and Lily scoffing.

"No, she should get up. Otherwise she'll wallow the day away."

"Shut up!" Cas hissed to them.

"Mary _please _get up." Lily tried again.

"Please Lily! Just five more fucking minutes!"

"Mary… alright. We'll wake you after breakfast if you'd like." Cas called in. I could just imagine her standing next to the curtains, sharing a concerned look with no doubt Marlene and Lily.

"Mmmm." I grunted back. I turned onto my back.

"Alright. We're leaving. Goodbye." I listened to their footsteps and then the door closing.

I sighed. I hated how much my mates were poking and prodding me, saying things like 'there's no use moping around' and 'Mary, come enjoy the sunshine!'. Sometimes it felt like they were only doing that so that they could get back to feeling like normal, and didn't have the guilt of having a good time while their mate was back in bed, dreading even stepping out of the room.

I slowly opened my curtains, letting the annoyingly bright light stab my eyes. I dreaded walking through the halls, pretending not to see people whispering behind their hands about why they thought I left. I was Mystery Girl, and everyone seemed to have their theories of where I'd gone.

Some personal favorites were 'assassin that had secretly snuck out at many other times to perform her duties, but was caught by Dumbledore this time' or 'was summoned to the Ministry of Magic for her trial' (for what I was having a trial for was still undecided).

And then there was Sirius. He was walking on fucking eggshells around me, not acting like himself. And I hated it. I couldn't believe it, but I was actually missing his normal asshole self.

I was tired and confused. What are you to do when you find out that every thing you thought and everything you are is bullshit? How are you supposed to find out where you actually belong?

Fuck, I _did _need to stop being a crybaby.

With an unattractive grunt, I sat up and stepped out of bed. The floor felt unnaturally cold against my feet and the light kept proving too much for my crusty eyes to handle.

* * *

><p>When I finally built up my courage and walked into the Great Hall (the more days that passed, it became increasingly harder to deal with the whispers), I made a beeline for the empty spot next to Marlene.<p>

I sat down, and she smiled reassuringly at me, and went back to whatever Sirius was saying to her.

Strange. Before I left she said she wanted to slap him across the face repeatedly.

Abruptly, I leaned over and looked around Marlene, to see her small, dainty hand laced through the tanner, large, rough hand of Black.

I sprang back up to sitting normally, but not without a curious look from James.

"You alright MacDonald?" James asked with a cocked head.

"No, yeah James, yeah I'm fine." I mumbled, staring into my eggs trying to take the surprised look off my face.

"Something must be wrong." He said in a joking voice. "You just put your elbow through your oatmeal."

"Yeah." I said, forcing a laugh. I took my now-soaked elbow out of the bowl of lukewarm oatmeal beside me. He looked at me for another moment and then went back to babbling something to Sirius about the firewhiskey they needed to get for sometime next week.

I finished my breakfast swiftly, and then headed out to Herbology.

"Hey! Mary!" I heard Marlene's voice calling after me. I stopped and turned. "Is something wrong?"

"Since when are you and Sirius friendly enough to hold hands?" I suddenly blurted out.

"Are you mad?" She asked, twiddling her fingers.

"No. But you didn't answer my question." I said impatiently. Her look of guilt on her face disappeared. She shifted her heavy-looking bag to the other arm.

"Since February 17." She said, grinning. I smiled too.

"Aw Marlene, that's great. I know you really fancy him." I said. She linked arms with me, and for once I was grateful that conversation was not around me.

"Yeah." She said, looking off into the distance. "He's great Mare. He's funny and sexy and… great."

"How'd it happen?" I pushed further.

"Well, it was in the common room. And see, the day before I found this… this letter he wrote to me while I was with Diggory, but he didn't send it. And then we were talking about it, and we just… we just got together. He said he really needed me, and then a few days later, he said that he knew he belonged with me." She said, cracking an ear-splitting grin.

I forced a smile. Right then, I saw Cas and Lily hurrying over to join us.

"Come on guys, we'll be late!" Cas said, pulling us in the direction of the greenhouses.

* * *

><p>He <em>belonged <em>with me

He _belonged _with me

He _belonged _with me.

That's all I heard when I tried to sleep that night. Playing over and over in my head, that snippet of the conversation, in exactly Marlene's voice.

I tossed and turned but still couldn't seem to shut my brain off for more than a few seconds. Finally, I just gave up. I jumped out of bed, and paced around the room. Lily and Marlene's bed curtains were both closed, so I just kept pacing the length of the room, hoping that I'd get too tired to keep doing it eventually.

On about the eighth set of pace-and-pace-backs, I accidentally kicked Cas' bag that sat open next to her bed. Quills, a few sets of parchment, and a strange little bag I'd never seen fell out.

I hastily piled all the other things back in. I stared at the little bag, trying to think what was in it.

It was probably a makeup bag. But… Cas didn't wear makeup…

The curiosity in me was overflowing, and I couldn't hold back anymore. I flew to the floor and pried open the bag. Inside, there was an opened pack of cigarettes, along with a small bottle of air freshener.

Merlin! Cas… Cas? Cas smoked?

Fingering the frayed edges of the box, I thought about the times I'd smoked. Most of them had been in the summer, with Tessa, a girl that I used to be friends with before I went off to Hogwarts. I'd smoked a great deal during the summers, but I'd never considered taking them to Hogwarts.

But come to think of it, that's what I really needed right now.

Guilt set in and part of me said that Cas would be pissed that I'd stolen one of her cigarettes… but really, I couldn't give a fuck right now.

I spent about ten minutes fumbling with my wand, trying to get the incendio just right to light the cig without setting fire to the entire thing.

When it finally lit, I realized that I had to open the window.

In the girls dormitories, there is only one single window. It was basically rusted shut because none of us bothered to wrestle with it. It hadn't been touched in years due to it's complete lack of a good view and the fact that the dead bugs and brown rust around it made it less than appealing.

But cigarette in hand, I jiggled the mostly-rust lock until it finally broke open. Then, I pried the windowpane up until it had gone up enough so that I could stick my head out and blow smoke out of the room.

As I leaned out the open window (not too comfortably, mind you, as I was bending to be able to lean on the window as is), I stared blankly at the trees almost reaching up to window.

I seriously considered trying to touch the tops of the trees, but then that would mean that I'd have to put out the cigarette, and I was in no mood to stop smoking right now.

I inhaled deeply and let the familiar, warm smoke invade my lungs. I swore I could feel myself calming down, or maybe I was just hoping I was. The room was quite dark except for the moon. It was a half-moon, I noted. A very clear night for March.

The best nights are the ones in the dead of summer. When I was younger my _adoptive _parents would take me out on a vacation to Florida, in America, every July. It was definitely after the fourth of July, which was apparently America's independence birthday. All it meant to my parents was crowds and crowds of loud drunks and reckless teenagers.

But every year, on the last night we were there, I would lay on the grass outside our muggle hotel that we stayed in, and stare at the stars until I fell asleep. The first time I did this, I insisted that it was far too hot inside the stuffy room, and needed to get some air. But after that night of just gazing at the stars, it became a tradition. My parents… er, adoptive parents told me not to do it, that someone could come in the night and hurt me if I was outside without company. But my young, knobby-kneed and starry eyed self just thought it was all talk, and insisted on doing it every year since.

I remember the last year we went, before I started at Hogwarts and before the man I called my father got so busy at work, I'd ran out as soon as darkness had settled over us. I remember my mum simply shaking her head, and muttering "crazy kid." The humid, Florida air clung to my clothes and my hair, but all I cared about were the stars.

The stars, shining brightly and standing out against the black sky. They seemed so close, yet so distant. They were beautiful. They seemed so shiny and new, yet I knew from the classes at the muggle school I'd gone to before Hogwarts that stars were actually thousands and thousands of years old. They were beautiful, but like every night, they would be gone by dawn.

But here I was. Looking at the same thousands and thousands of years old stars that I had seen when I was young…

The noise of the door shutting roused me from my reminiscing. I glanced back to see Cas' familiar shadow, and quickly looked back out the window.

"Mary. You shouldn't smoke in the dorms." Her voice said from behind me. _You're one to talk_. I bit my lip to stop myself from blurting that out.

"You could set something on fire." She tried again, but I still said nothing. Eventually, I heard her sigh and rustle of getting into her pajamas.

When I cautiously looked behind me again, her bed curtains were closed.

I looked back out the window. Sometimes I wish I could just be a star, burning bright and beautiful to everyone. Belonging in the night sky, among the other stars and hovering around the moon. Belonging in my special place and staying there until I burn out and die.

To belong.

* * *

><p><strong>An Awkward Moment<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

It was late that night when I finally got into bed. I don't know why, but lately I've been full of creativity. You know those streaks of time when you feel so full of ideas, of information, or just… thoughts? When you feel antsy, like you want to do a million things at once, and sleeping is completely unnecessary?

This is how I reasoned why I was sneaking back into the dorm after sketching the view from the Astronomy Tower that night.

I opened the clunky wooden door, and strode into the dark room. There was a silhouette of a girl at the window, and she glanced back at me for a second as I came in.

I stepped a bit closer, and realized it was Mary. She stood, window open, hand lolling out the window, lightly holding a lit cigarette. The gray smoke mingled with the smells of the trees from outside, and her chipped black nails twirled the cigarette between them.

"Mary. You shouldn't smoke in the dorms." I said softly. I didn't even know she smoked. I wondered where she'd gotten them.

"You could set something on fire." I tried again. She didn't move, didn't even look at me. Her black hair blended in with the shadows, and the only light came from the half-moon.

I sighed, and put on my pajamas. I got into bed, but before shutting the curtains I glanced once more at her. Her body seemed to shaking a bit, but she took another drag of her cigarette, and blew it out the window.

I closed my bed curtains, and shut my eyes. Some time after that, I heard soft footsteps, and the creak of weight on a bed. Then the sound of bed curtains shutting.

* * *

><p>When I woke up the next morning, Lily was already gone but Marlene was still getting ready. Mary's curtains remained shut, and I heard no noise from them to indicate that she was awake.<p>

"Think she's still sleeping." Marlene muttered to me, zipping up her school skirt.

"Yeah probably."

"She wasn't here when I fell asleep, did you see her come in?" Marlene asked, grabbing her socks off the top of her dresser.

"Uh, yeah." I replied softly. I didn't know whether or not Mary would like me discussing her smoking with Marlene, so I left it at that.

Marlene shrugged in a fake-non-committal way, and headed to the bathroom to check her hair.

By the time we both left, Mary's curtains were still closed.

As I walked into the Great Hall, I was greeted with a kiss on the cheek and a hug from Remus.

"Hi." He whispered to me.

"Hi." I said back. I smiled. I felt like I'd barely seen him lately, which I extremely regretted.

He grabbed my hand and we sat down together across from Lily, James and Peter. Lily was munching on something, eyes flying across the page as she read. James looked on, and Peter was fiddling with something on his plate.

"This essay is great Ja - Potter. Really." She said, putting down the piece of parchment in front of James.

He looked entirely confused.

"Um… thanks. Yours was amazing too, I read it before."

She smiled back at him.

It was strange, seeing James talk to Lily and Lily not completely put him down for a change.

I didn't know where Sirius and Marlene went off to, but neither of them were present that morning.

"What's today?" I asked idly. Remus smiled.

"March 4. Six days until my birthday."

"Oh, that's right." I said, trying to conceal my surprise. I couldn't believe I didn't know when his birthday was.

"And we've got something awesome planned." James said, smirking at Peter.

"Oh no." Lily said. "No, if you think you're going to throw an un-authorized party –"

"Come _on _Evans!" James whined. "It's for Remus!"

Lily just scoffed, but didn't say more. James grinned in victory.

Remus shook his head disapprovingly, but I could tell that he was excited for whatever they were planning for him. It made me giggle a bit.

He looked back at me grinning.

_Merlin_, what was I going to get him for his birthday? What did he want?

Remus said something about getting to the library quickly before class, and left the table.

"So, what are you getting our ickle Moony?" James asked me, attempting to put his arm around Lily. She simply glared at him, and took his arm off her shoulders and back to his side.

"I'm getting him a Defense Again the Dark Arts book, actually." Lily said, moving her eggs around on her plate.

"What about you Dorky?"

"Potter, don't call me that." I said, grabbing a strawberry from the bowl to the left of me.

"Fine, sorry. _Dorcas_, what are you getting Moony for his day of birth?" James asked. I blushed embarrassedly.

"Come to think of it, I don't know." I muttered.

"Well… you could always just show up at his door starkers. He'd love that." James announced. Lily swiftly smacked him in the back of the head with her potions book as Peter snickered next to him.

"Sorry! It's true!" He said to me, rubbing the back of his head. I was certain my cheeks were as red as could be by this point.

"You're such a prat Potter." I just said, biting into my strawberry.

* * *

><p>"You're so handsome when you're in concentration." I told him later that day in the common room. He was playing a game of wizard's chess with Peter, and for once Peter was proving to be a worthy opponent. He looked up, flustered.<p>

"What?" He asked. He had taken off his robes, and he sat there in

"You're really handsome." I said, shrugging. He still looked confused. "Sorry, you are!"

He laughed. "Thank you. You're not so bad yourself."

"Oh I can't believe this!" I teased. "_Remus Lupin_ you are telling your girlfriend she's not so bad! You should be begging at my feet for forgiveness."

He threw his head back in laughter.

"Ok Doe, I'm sorry. You are the most beautiful, stunning, amazing, sexy girl I have _ever _met. Is that ok?" He asked, grabbing my head and pulling me down to kiss him.

"Egh." Peter grunted, Remus broke the kiss and glanced at Peter.

"Pete, we're going to have to finish this game another time." He said. He then stood up, picked me up bridal-style and carried my into the boys dormitories.

"But I was winning!"

The other, younger girls that were sitting in the common room as well started giggling and whispering to each other as Remus kicked the door shut behind him.

He dropped me on his bed and then crawled up next to me, me still giggling like an idiot. He was so cute, I couldn't stand it.

His nose nuzzled my neck, and I felt myself giggle again.

He then moved up and started kissing me… harder than he ever previously had.

When he moved down to kissing my shoulders, I moaned and instinctively wrapped my legs around him. He was practically gasping, as was I.

I flipped over so I was straddling him, and he grabbed onto my hips. Then his hands traveled up to my hair, holding the back of my neck tenderly.

I ripped his shirt off, and started kissing his chest. I don't know why, but I just had to. He shuddered under me as I kissed lower and closer to his jeans line…

Then I have no idea what happened. I've never been a really sexual person, much less _actually _kissed a boy before Remus. But for some reason, when I got down to his pants button, I took it into my mouth and somehow unlatched it with my teeth and tongue.

Suddenly, we both froze. Remus started at me with this weird, glossed over look in his eyes, and my cheeks started getting extremely red.

I jumped off of him, and sat next to him on the bed, him not moving from the position he was in. He was frozen, just kept staring at where I had been previously sitting on him. I covered my face in my hands.

* * *

><p>(Remus Lupin)<p>

I pushed my nose into her neck, taking in her flowery scent. How did Doe manage to smell this good all the bloody time?

I kissed her again. Hard. My tongue went into her mouth, and hers into mine. She sucked at my bottom lip, and then I pulled away, kissing down her neck and to her shoulders. She moaned, and I felt her legs wrap around my waist.

I was getting hard. Quickly, she flipped over and started straddling _me_. I instinctively grabbed onto her hips.

Doe had great hips, and they always swung when she walked. And _yes_, I may ogle them whenever I can. Hey, I'm her boyfriend! I'm allowed!

Her hair was so soft, and reminded me of honey. I combed my fingers through it, loving the feel of it against my skin.

I felt her tug my shirt off and I lifted my arms to help her get it off. Her hands were extremely cold, and I tensed up.

Then, she brought her head down and started _kissing _my _chest_, all over. With that hot mouth of hers.

Oh Merlin, she was getting closer and closer to my pants. She wasn't actually…

And then… oh, but _then_, she opened her mouth, grasped the button in her mouth, and somehow managed to unbutton them. With her mouth.

Oh fuck… fuck fuck fuck her mouth had grazed my… her mouth… her… fuck, I was hard and her mouth had been on my… well, through my pants…

She then looked up at me like a doe in headlights (no pun intended) and jumped off of me, her face blushing an apple color.

I couldn't look at her. I couldn't look… how had she even managed to _do _that?

I realized my pants were wet where her mouth had been. Oh Merlin… fuck Merlin…

Out of the corner of my eye I saw she was staring at me, but I couldn't look at her straight on. That was the single… the single sexiest thing that I'd… I…

Fuck, I couldn't even think straight!

Fuck, why was I cursing this much!

"Um… well, um… I've got to go Remus, see you tomorrow!" she said, voice shaking. She forced a quick smile and then ran out of the room.

My head hit the pillows behind me in frustration. Great, now she was embarrassed. She shouldn't be, that was… that…

Yeah.

* * *

><p><strong>"Happy Birthday Remmy!"<strong>

March 10.

Remus Lupin's birthday.

Merlin, I still had no idea what was happening. I got him a book on doxies, but I'm pretty sure he's already got it. I'm seriously considering James' idea for a birthday gift…

"So… you got him this?" Marlene asked, holding up the book delicately with two fingers, as if it held some kind of contagious disease within it.

"Yeah why?"

"Geez Doe, could you give him a less sexy gift?"

"Hey!" I said, crossing my arms. "I'm sure Remus will love it. And what am I supposed to get him anyways?"

I thought back to six days before when I'd practically seduced him. Hell, what kind of slag takes a bloke's pants off _with her teeth_? I don't know what came over me!

"Dunno." she said, moving back to laying on the floor. She stretched her arms straight out beside her and sighed deeply, eyes glued to the ceiling.

"Why are you even doing that?" I asked, staring up at where I thought she was looking. Nothing was there but the ceiling, and she grinned at me when I straightened up and looked back down at her.

"Dunno." she said with a smile. "The floor is comfortable!"

"Alright then…" I said idly, bustling around the room trying to find something to wear for tonight. "Marlene, is it really that bad?"

"No, I suppose not." she said, leaning up on her forearms to grin at me. "…what are you going to wear?"

We both knew James and Sirius were planning something big for his birthday, simply because Remus was acting like he didn't want a party. It most definitely was going to be a Room of Requirement party, but I didn't know who else was going. I didn't care really, either.

"No idea." I said casually, shifting through various dresses hung up in the closet Mary and I shared.

"You wearing a dress?" She suddenly asked.

"Undecided."

"I think I am." she said, laying back down. "You know, that black dress I have? The one that cuts off a little higher than my knees?"

"Yeah I know the one. The one Mary calls the Boner Inducer?"

Marlene snorted. "_Yes_, that one."

A mysterious owl arrived at our dormitories at exactly nine. It read:

_Room of Requirement. 10 PM. _

"They do love the dramatics, after all." Marlene commented as she read it over my shoulder. She plucked the hanger that held her dress out of her and Lily's closet, and held it up against her body in front of the mirror. She cocked her head, and proceeded to test different shoes with the dress.

Lily sat cross-legged on my bed, staring at two dresses before her. She had her hair up in a messy bun and was wearing an old t-shirt with a single sleeve ripped off, and was staring at both dresses with intensity.

I still had no idea what I was to wear, but I finally decided on wearing olive-green lace dress. My hair, unfortunately, lay flat, but I decided not to start messing with it and risk going bald. I padded over to the dresser (still wearing my slippers) and began sliding on the gold bangles my mum had bought be for my fourteenth birthday.

Mary was sprawled out on the bed, foot swaying lazily to a song she was humming under her breath. She'd been kind of distant lately, and since I caught her smoking, I haven't talked to her directly.

By the time Lily decided on what she was wearing, Mary was slipping into a wrinkled pair of jeans and a tank top.

"Mary, aren't you going to wear a dress?"

"Nah. I don't really feel like it tonight." She muttered.

"Come on Mare, it might feel good to dress up." Marlene suggested with a smile. My eyes went back to Mary.

Something was dark behind her eyes before she shrugged and said, "I just don't feel like it."

* * *

><p>(Marlene McKinnon)<p>

No matter how many times the Marauders throw parties in the Room of Requirement, I'm still dumbfounded how they manage to make it so spectacular.

Of course it was quite dark, but there seemed to be some kind of light coming from somewhere, I couldn't tell where. It was strange. There were copious amounts of alcohol and there were many bodies pushed up against each other, moving to the beat of the muggle music that was playing.

I felt a pair of hands grasp me from behind. I jumped.

"Merlin Black, you gave me a heart attack!"

He teasingly nipped at my ear. I turned around and kissed him full on the mouth, until I was interrupted by Cas.

"Hey, where's Remus?" I heard her voice say.

"Dunno." Sirius said quickly before grabbing my hand and pulling me into the crowd. "Fuck, you look really sexy." He said, holding my hips and letting his eyes run over me.

"Glad you think so." I said, biting back my grin. "You don't look so bad yourself." He was wearing a full dress suit complete with dress shoes.

"Well, we've got to make a good appearance now don't we?" He asked, popping his suit collar. I laughed and threw my arms around his neck.

"Let's dance, why don't we?" I asked, mouth close to his.

"Whatever my lady wants." He whispered, and covered my mouth with his.

* * *

><p>(Remus Lupin)<p>

I was standing in the middle of the crowd when I suddenly felt someone jumping onto my back. I stumbled under the weight a bit, and then saw a few pieces of dirty blond hair cascade forward into my face.

"Happy Birthday _Remmy_!" She said over the loud music of the room. I turned my head sideways to try to glare at her for using that awful nickname, but she jumped off my back and grabbed my hand. "Are you enjoying your party?"

"I suppose. Now a lot more because you're here." I replied. She grinned.

"Can we dance? I want to show off to everyone that I'm dating the birthday boy!" She giggled.

I was glad she was acting normally. We actually hadn't talked since the day she… well, I shouldn't think about that right now. The point was, she was acting normally again.

"Sure. Sounds like… _fun_." I said sarcastically.

"Oh no need to be such a party pooper Remus!" She said, scrunching up her nose at me. "I'll just go on and dance without you."

I watched as she flounced off into the crowd and started to dance with Marlene and Sirius. I grinned as Sirius pulled Marlene away from Doe and yelled something about her stealing his woman.

She looked back at me and shouted, "Still not too late to join in."

I huffed, and reluctantly walked to Doe. She grasped my hand. "See, that wasn't too hard was it?" Around me, people were jostling, moving about, dancing on each other and laughing. It wouldn't hurt to have a good time.

* * *

><p>After about an hour of humoring Doe and making fun of the other people dancing, we stepped back. Doe grabbed a bottle of firewhiskey off the table and returned to where I was standing against the wall.<p>

"Care to take a sip?" She asked, holding the bottle lazily.

"Thought you said you couldn't handle firewhiskey."

"I can't." she said. "But what's life without a little fun?" She unscrewed the cap and took a small sip. She then brought it away from her lips and coughed.

"See. You can't." I said, chuckling a bit and taking the bottle from her.

"Fine. You chug it, Mr. Mature Remus Lupin!" she mockingly yelled. I shrugged and took a swig.

"How did you do that!"

I shrugged again. "If you spend as much time with James and Sirius as I do, you learn to hold your alcohol."

Her lips curled into a smile. "I can handle it." She grabbed the bottle back and brought it to her lips, throwing back her head and taking a gulp.

When she finally brought it down again, her cheeks were red and she was giggling.

She plunked the bottle down on the table and stepped closer to me. "Happy… happy birthday." she said quietly before kissing me hard on the mouth.

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

"So… you liking the party buddy?" I slurred to Remus, a firewhiskey bottle in hand.

"Sure Padfoot. You seem to be… enjoying yourself." He said, laughing as he caught me from stumbling over.

"Well hey it's a partaaay! Yeahhhhhh!" I hooted, before returning to Marlene. She was as drunk if not more than myself, and was stumbling around in the crowd.

"Siriiiiii! I thought I'd lost youuu!" She laughed, and grabbed my arm to steady herself. Her blond hair was a puffy mess, and she closed her eyes and tilted her head back. She smiled, and then opened her eyes and looked at me. "You're so cute."

"You're _hot_." I said watching my hand point out at her. The corners of my vision started to get a little blurry.

Marlene and I started dancing again. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Mary.

She was standing, leaning up against the wall with a bottle in one hand and Christopher Collins' hair in another.

See, Christopher Collin was a seventh year Hufflepuff, mates with that _twat _Diggory. So why was Mary playing with his hair?

I watched, in the kind of slow-motion drunken way, Mary bring Collin's mouth to hers and stick her tongue down his throat. When they pulled away, Collins grabbed her hand and they left the room through the back exit.

Where were they going…?

"What?" Marlene asked, following my gaze.

"Does Mary know that guy?"

"What guy?"

"Collins. Collins, the Hufflepuff bloke?" I said, suddenly impatient.

"What? I dunno! Why?"

"They just left together." I craned my neck over the crowd, trying to see if they'd actually left.

"So? Let her have a little fun." Marlene said softly. "Oh hell, I think I'm going to be sick."

* * *

><p>AN: Hi errrrybody!

So: Chapter 37: Mary's back... and Marlene and Sirius are officially together, but don't make a big show of it. It was killing me not having them together, ...*COUGH BLACKINNON FOREVER *COUGH COUGH

Chapter 38: Sorry, it was a bit angsty. I hope it was enjoyed, though.

Chapter 39: ROE SEXY TIIIIIME! I hope I didn't offend anyone, but it can't be anything worse then Sirius' point of view. And I really liked writing Remus all ruffled and unwound.

Chapter 40: I apologize if it was a little messy. I sort of hate writing real-time party scenes, but I already did the sort of "flashback" thing. And Mary and Christopher Collins will be explained in the next chapter.

I'll update soon!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEWWWWWW

Thank you all for reading.


	11. Injuries and The Worst Birthday Ever

**Are You Hurt?**

(Mary MacDonald)

"No, really, it's ok. Seriously. I'm fine." I said again, hastily pulling back on my jeans. I idly noticed that he was still naked. I glanced out the window, and thankfully it was still a bit dark.

"Oh-ok. Well, um… bye." Chris stuttered. He clasped my hands, and I smiled a weak smile at him before leaving the dorm. I ran through the common room, and out to the hallway.

My bare feet slapped the stone floor under me, making my light footsteps echo against the castle walls. From the windows in the corridors, I could see the first peak of the sun, and I ran faster.

Maybe if I ran fast enough, I could get off the ground. I didn't know how to apparate, much less fly on a broomstick properly… but maybe if I hoped hard enough I could just fly off the ground. Fly away, some place where no one knew me. Some place where I could be someone else.

I didn't stop running until I got to the Fat Lady, but she was asleep and I couldn't bring myself to walk in.

I sat down haphazardly on the stone floor. I could feel my eyes welling up with tears. In between my legs felt extremely sore and my head was pounding from the firewhiskey and the running I'd just done. My chest constrained, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

Why had I just done that? My mind flashed to the feeling of him slamming into me and he didn't stop. And all the blood…

I _wasn't _a virgin anymore. Blood was still on my hands and no doubt on his sheets… Firewhiskey clouded my recollection of before it happened… all I remember is that he was cute and he told me I looked beautiful and… and he said he wanted me.

This wasn't how it was supposed to be. None of this year was the way it was supposed to me, nothing in my life is ever how it's supposed to be. But I guess nothing was ever supposed to be right.

I was a mistake. If it weren't for an accident, I wouldn't be alive right now. I wasn't _supposed _to be alive. I wasn't where I supposed to be.

My breathing was slowing down now, and my entire body felt like it might come apart any second. I knew I had to stand up, had to move, clean myself up. But every time I tried to stand up, it ached.

Flashes of skin and blood flooded through my mind when all I wanted was to forget. To pretend it never happened.

I glanced down at my body. My shirt was wrinkled and sagging off one boob. I pulled my shirt up, and looked around. No one was out. Suddenly I felt like my jeans were too tight and my bra was squeezing at my back.

_Slut._

But Chris Collins was not a bad guy. He didn't know. I didn't know what I was doing.

I had too much to drink.

Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I did know what I was doing… I don't know. All I knew right now was I wanted to return to the beginning of this year, stop myself from reading that book, stop myself from digging around and turning my life into a black hole.

Sometimes I think ignorance is better than all the knowledge in the world. Living in beautiful ignorance, everything is exactly how it should seem, no questioning. Knowledge turns to power, and power hurts people.

That's what I do. Hurt people and myself.

"Mary?" I looked up to see Remus standing over me, head cocked to the side, and a concerned look on his face. "Did you forget the password?"

"Um, no. I mean… yeah. Yeah." I said, bracing myself against the wall attempting to stand up. Remus put down the bundle of food he was carrying and helped me stand up. I took a step and a horrible pain shot up my body from between my legs.

Don't cry. Don't you dare cry.

"Mary? Are you hurt?"

Am I hurt? Am I _hurt_? Of course I'm hurt. My entire life is in shambles and it's all my fucking fault. All I do is hurt myself and the people around me.

"No Remus, I'm fine." He let go of my hand and stooped down to pick up his bundle. Slowly but as quickly as I could, I walked through the common room and up the stairs.

I gingerly stepped into the shower, peeling off my clothes. I still had a bit of dried blood around my legs.

The hot water hit my back, and I finally started to cry.

* * *

><p><strong>The Hospital Wing<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

Over the years, I've become rather at home in the hospital wing. A reluctant kind of familiarity, with a specific feeling of exhaustion and pain attached to it. But I guess that's what hospital wings are for.

Nonetheless, I know the hospital wing almost as much as I know the dorm. The tall windows, letting bright sun in and trying to warm up the sterile atmosphere of blue and silver equipment.

That morning, my eyes fluttered open and I felt the familiar feeling of exhaustion and pain like usual. Unlike usual, I could feel someone's presence next to me, and it didn't feel like Peter.

"Hey you're awake." a soft voice said, smiling back at me. I sluggishly rolled over in the hospital bed and saw her, sitting down looking at me warmly.

"Doe. What're you doing here?' I asked urgently, sitting up defensively and a bit flustered.

"Hey, hey. Relax." She said, her hand pushing down on my chest. I reluctantly laid back down against the hospital bed as she picked up a cup of tea sitting on the table and sipped it slowly. "How are you feeling?"

"Fine." I lied, ignoring the aching pain I felt that consumed my body. Her fingers skated over my cheeks, careful not to press on any of the new scratches that had emerged since last night.

I winced, and her fingers pulled abruptly away. I hated that look in her eyes, fear that she'd actually hurt me. My fingers laced through hers, and I pulled her closer to me.

She kissed me lightly, and my stomach flipped.

"So what'd you want to talk about?" I asked, threading my fingers through her hair. I realized it was darker in the winter because of the lack of sun, and it had a brownish tint to it now. It was so soft…

"Nothing." She said, her smile faltering a little. "I was just… I was really worried." She looked away from me, and my hand reached up and turned her chin back to looking at me.

Her eyes seemed full to the brim with a rainbow of emotions.

"You shouldn't worry." I said, hoping that what I was saying was reassuring her. "I do this every month. I'm pretty used to it by now."

"I know." She said. Her voice cracked. "It's just… it's unfair. You shouldn't be _used to it_."

I didn't know how to respond. She threaded her arms around my neck and held me close, and I breathed her in.

I changed the subject. "Is Mary ok?"

"Why?" she asked, sitting back up on the stool next to my bed. Her face changed in a flash from sadness to suspicion.

"It's just…" I stopped. Maybe I shouldn't tell Doe about it. I mean, Mary did seem to be distraught when I saw her days ago. She seemed to want to keep it personal. Still… maybe if Doe knew she could help. "Remember on my birthday? When we crashed in the common room together?"

"Yeah." she said, smiling. I smiled briefly too at the happy memory of waking up next to her.

"So when I was coming back from the kitchens early in the morning to get us food, I saw Mary sitting outside of Gryffindor tower."

"And?" She said, looking at me expectantly.

"I don't know… I think she was crying, and she wasn't wearing shoes."

"She was probably just hungover." Doe said dismissively.

"But I went to help her up, and she seemed hurt. She stumbled a bit and I think something was wrong, but when I asked she said she was fine." I said, recalling it in my mind. Doe was staring at the ground, as if working out a math problem.

"She smokes." Doe blurted out.

"Who? Mary?" I asked in disbelief.

Doe nodded her head and swallowed. "Remus, I feel like she's slipping away from me. I don't want to lose her, we've grown close this year… and I don't…"

I sat up and snaked my arms around her back. Her arms found my neck and she leaned into me.

I moved over to leave space for her on the bed, and she gingerly crawled next to me. She wriggled over and curled up next to me.

"Remus, I don't know what to do." She whispered into my neck.

"I can't. There's nothing you can do." I said, holding her closer to me. "It's her life."

"But – "

"You've got to let her work it out. The best thing you can do is be there for her when she needs you."

A long pause went by, the only sound being her soft breathing next to me.

"What'd I do to get such a good boyfriend?" She finally asked, tilting her head up and kissing my cheek.

"Be as beautiful as you are." I said, smiling. She scoffed.

* * *

><p><strong>Care to Kiss The Birthday Boy?<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

As the world would have it, Remus and James both had their birthdays in March. So here we were again, crowded in with the rest of the older population of Hogwarts, in the room of requirement.

If it was possible, this night seemed darker, and the alcohol seemed to be flowing. Girls crowded in next to boys, dancing next to each other, everyone drunk with firewhiskey and the music.

"So Evans, care to spare a kiss for the birthday boy?" I heard James shout to Lily. She smirked at him.

"I'm sure it'd be the thrill of your life, but no, thank you." She said. He came up closer to her, but she merely pushed him away and ran.

I watched as he grinned and chased after her, both caught up in the same game they'd been in since third year.

Sirius came stumbling over to me, wearing a giant gold crown.

"What are you wearing?" I asked, taking the crown off his head.

"Hey! No!" He said drunkenly. "I'm tha party kinggg!" He threw his hands up and twirled in a circle. Oh, I was so going to hold this to him the next morning…

"Ok Sirius. You are the party king. Now, where's the alcohol?" I asked, holding in my giggles. He grinned.

"Right here!" He said, pulling a flask from his pocket. I tipped my head back and drunk it, but I quickly coughed it out.

"Merlin Sirius, what is this?"

"Muggle beer. It's…"

"Disgusting!" I shrieked, disgusted by the lingering taste it left in my mouth. I took another gulp anyway.

Surprisingly, it was beginning to grow on me.

"See? Not so disgusting huhhhh?" He said, his eyes bulging out at me.

He grabbed my waist and spun me around. Dancing with him, moving against him in the haze of a clouded mind and the beat of the music was all I wanted right now. Forever.

A loud, high-pitched ringing noise came from the left side of the room, and eventually everyone turned around to see what it was coming from.

James stood on top of a table, holding the wall for balance and laughing.

"Ok, ok. Thanks everybody for coming! It has been the BEST. BIRTHDAY. EVER!" He slurred loudly.

Lots of hoots and hollers came from the crowd as James was yanked off the table by a girl's hand. Sirius started to run over to where James had gotten down, and pulled me with him.

Pushing past people and hanging onto Sirius' hand, James and Mary came into view, and the rest happened in a kind of strange, contorted timing.

James was laughing at something Mary said, and then Mary pulled his face towards hers. Their lips crashed into each other. James stood rigidly, her lips moving against him. Swiftly, he gently grabbed her shoulders and pushed her away.

People around us kept moving around, and I thought Sirius and I were the only ones to see it.

But I turned and saw Lily's red hair swish around and she ran away, pretending she hadn't seen. I looked back at Sirius who looked extremely confused.

Straining to hear what he said, I watched James, still holding Mary's shoulders, say something around the lines of, "Mary, I think you're great. Hot, really… but I… Lily…" Her face fell into a scowl and then Mary snapped at him.

"I could get any guy I wanted. Every boy wants me. I don't need you." And she walked away. James stumbled backwards and steadied himself on the table.

Sirius looked as if he was going to throw up.

"Ya know wha?" He said to me. "I'm going to get more ta drink. Yeah." And he stumbled away.

When James looked back at me, his face was confused and pleading.

I knew I had to find Lily.

* * *

><p>As I walked back to the dorm room, my shoes clacked loudly on the floor. I reached down and unbuckled them, holding them lazily in my right hand.<p>

Quickly, I saw Mary's back being pulled into a broom closet by a male hand. She looked back swiftly, but when she saw my face, she glared at me.

The door shut and I was left standing in the middle of a corridor alone.

Walking the rest of the way back to the dorms, my heart was heavy. Mary's glaring face swam in my thoughts, and I felt confused.

Lily threw a pillow at the wall as soon as I entered the dorm.

"Did you see that?"

"See what?" I asked, getting out of throwing range. Lily picked up another pillow.

"Mary! She was… she was kissing _Potter_!" She spluttered, flinging the pillow against the wall. It fell into a pile of pillows now sitting on the ground. "How could she possibly like that _git_?"

"Well –"

"I mean, he's an arrogant, mean, disgusting, prat!" She said, stomping her foot. Her face was becoming as red as her hair, and her eyes searched the room for something else to throw.

"Lily –"

She took off her shoe and hurled it at the wall. It made a loud thump and fell into the pile of pillows.

As she watched the shoe hit the ground, it was as if something in her snapped. Her shoulders fell, and she trudged over to her bed. She fell backwards, and shimmied herself up so her head lay on the pillows.

"He's just going to hurt her, you know."

"Lily they're not together."

"Well… why did she kiss him then?"

"Dunno. But they're not." I said, watching her carefully.

"Oh." she said. She sat up quickly. "I'm going to bed." Lily pulled her bed curtains shut, still dressed.

I sighed. What was happening to my friends? Where was Cas? Where was Mary, and what was she doing?

I left the dorm, searching for Cas. When I made it around the corner, I saw Mary and Grant Matthews leaving the broom closet.

Mary's hair was now messed up in the back, stray pieces falling out. Her shirt was buttoned wrong, and her mouth looked swollen. She swallowed hard, and grinned fakely at Grant. He pulled up his pants zipper and kissed her on the cheek, and swiftly left the hallway, past me. He bumped slightly into my shoulder, and muttered, "sorry" quickly before rounding the corner.

Mary stood, arms crossed, looking at the ground before glancing up and meeting my eyes.

"What?" She asked bitterly. Her eyes stared coldly into mine.

"Nothing. Who was that?" I replied desperately. Why was she acting this way?

"No one." She said finally, and then went off in the opposite direction.

When I returned to the room of requirement, it seemed like almost everyone had left. Cas and Remus were slow dancing clumsily, James was slumped in a chair, every now and then taking a gulp of firewhiskey. Sirius was nowhere to be found.

Lily's bed curtains had been closed for a long while now. Despite the other things that happened that night, a tiny sliver of my thoughts seemed to drift her reaction to Mary kissing James.

I honestly don't know why it was so weird seeing Mary kiss James. Maybe because she'd never shown any other feelings than brotherly towards him. Although I was sure it wasn't specifically about James. Rather, he was a log of drift wood caught up in the raging storm of drunk Mary.

I perched on my dorm bed, waiting for Mary to get back. I desperately needed to ask her what was going on, it was eating me up inside.

We had always been close, and it was strange not knowing her thoughts.

She came in looking upset, and then realized my eyes were on her. Her head snapped up from the ground.

"What?" Her voice stung, but I replied with,

"Who was that boy?"

"I told you. _No one_." She said back, shrugging out of her coat. I knew Lily was already asleep, and Cas still hadn't come back. I glanced back at her bed, curtains tightly closed, wondering if she was still consumed in sleep.

"Why did you kiss James?" I asked rather bluntly. I didn't want to beat around the bush with Mary, it wasted time and made us both impatient.

"Don't ask me in that accusatory tone." She snapped. She leaned against the doorframe, mouth curled into a downward sloping white line. "He's a free agent. Just because Lily likes him following her around like a lost puppy doesn't mean that he's _her _territory."

Her voice was a mix of disdain and sadness.

There was a long pause, and I was unsure of what to say. My insides were knotting up in anger and confusion.

"Mary, did you have sex with Grant Matthews?" I asked again. She was already angry, might as well get some bloody information.

"So what if I did?" She yelled close to my face. Her eyes looked lost and enraged, her body language trying to seem strong. "Don't fucking _look _at me like that!"

"Like what?" I yelled back, losing my temper. There was no way Lily was asleep now.

"Like you're so much better than me. Now Lily and Cas I'd expect it from, but _you_?"

"What! What's the matter with you? Why are you saying all this?" I said, my fists clenching. I could feel the tears welling up and prickling in my tear ducts.

"What? Telling the truth!" She got very close up to my face, her nose inches from mine. "Yeah, I did have sex with Grant Matthews. Stop being such a prude." Her breath smelled like throw up and firewhiskey.

"I'm not a prude, that just makes _you _a slut. Not sleeping with random older guys 'cause I've got daddy issues doesn't mean I'm a prude!" The words tumbled out of my mouth, and I immediately saw the hurt in Mary's eyes. I wished I could take it back.

I don't know where it came from. I guess I just really wanted to hurt her, and I could tell I did. My stomach dropped at the realizations.

"Oh god, Mary I'm so sor–"

"So good luck with Sirius!" She interrupted, and rubbed her face roughly with her hand. "You might have him for now, but with that attitude, he'll be running back to his whores from the broom closet within the month. He's going to get bored with you, and _you know it_." The tears now started to flow out of my eyes.

"Who are you? The Mary I know would never say things like that." I said softer. For a second her face faltered from its steely glare, but quickly snapped back.

"Then you obviously don't know me very well at all." She spit at me, before storming into our shared bathroom and slamming the door shut.

I sank into the bed, covering my wet face with my hands. I didn't know what to do, I was overflowing with emotion and disbelief.

Where was my best friend?

In that moment, I felt a surge of loneliness. I glanced back at Lily's bed, still tightly closed. My bottom lip trembled, but the tears were managed to subside.

Sirius flashed into my mind, and my feet took me out of the dorm and into the common room.

He was nowhere in sight.

In my exhaustion, I slumped down onto the couch in front of the fire. Mary's words swam in my mind.

_He's going to get bored with you. _

_And you know it_.

* * *

><p>AN: hi everybody!

Sorry the ending to that chapter was so depressing. Things are not going great for the gang at Hogwarts. Especially poor Mary.

However, not everything is hugs and kisses and smiles and cupcakes.

And unicorns.

Review? Pleeeeease please please with a cherry on top?


	12. Headaches, Broom Closets, and Sea Eyes

**I Don't Know What I'll Do**

(Sirius Black)

When my vision returned, I surveyed my surroundings. Around my head were several cups and mugs, mostly empty, and a few broken bottles. I raised my head to the ceiling, which had a pair of red lace panties attached to it with some kind of sticky substance I'd rather not investigate. A boy wearing only boxers was hugging a bottle of firewhiskey tightly to his chest, while above him on the couch lay an unidentified couple under a blanket. A few other stragglers littered the room, choosing to pass out against corners or under the tables we had for drinks. I blinked a few more times, my eyes not taking kindly to the morning light streaming in from one of the windows.

"If this is the bloody room of requirement, shouldn't it know that we don't _require _sunlight? Bloody hell." I murmured to myself, turning on my side away from the light.

"Sirius? Are you conscious?" A small voice asked from next to me, I rolled over and saw Dorcas, crouching beside me, staring intently in my face.

"No." I muttered irritably. When I looked at her again, I saw that her hair was incredibly tangled and mussed up. I grinned. "Had a fun night with Moony then, did we?"

She blushed hard, and slightly hid her face. "I don't know what you're talking about. But now that I know you haven't died of alcohol consumption in some gutter, I'm going to go."

I laughed as she stood up, smoothed her hair, and walked out of the room. I sat up slowly, clutching my throbbing head.

Where was Marlene?

The inside of my mouth tasted disgusting.

With great difficulty, I pulled myself up to a standing position.

The walk back to the dorms was cold and uncomfortable, especially the disapproving looks and loud voices. Seriously, why would anyone feel the need to speak at complete full volume on a bloody Sunday morning?

Upon entering the common room, I saw Moony and Dorcas sitting on the couch eating what looked like freshly made food from the kitchens. Dorcas went red when she saw me and dropped her head down. Moony just stared blankly at me, and went back to his food.

My mouth admitted a weird chuckle/grunt at them, and I turned to walk the rest of the way up to my awaiting bed.

I lightly pushed open the door.

She was curled up tightly in multiple layers of blankets, a loose bun the only sign that it was Marlene in there and not just a giant bundle of cloth.

It was strange seeing her so comfortable in my bed. Strangely wonderful, actually.

I sauntered up to my bed with intentions of playful teasing that might result in awesome snogging, but the moment I got close to her my smile drooped. The skin under her eyes was a faint reddish/pink, and it looked like she'd been crying a while. Sadness was no doubt etched upon her face. Her lips fell into a slight frown, and she looked slightly uneasy.

Something must have been wrong.

But I didn't want to wake her up, although the more time I spent standing upright the more intense the pounding in my head got.

So I moved slowly onto the bed next to her. Adjusting myself against her over the covers, I cautiously wrapped my arm around her side, trying not to wake her.

Nonetheless, a few minutes later she stirred. I watched as she opened her eyes quickly, and abruptly turned around to see who the arm belonged to.

I smiled at her, but she didn't smile back.

"What're you doing?" She murmured quietly.

"Lying next to you." I said. She didn't say anything else. "This is my bed after all." I teased.

"Oh. Yeah." She said airily, her face unsmiling.

"Is everything ok?" I asked uncertainly. Had I done something?

"No." She said "But for now, can we just lay here?"

"Uh… yeah." I said. She wasn't mad at me, I knew that. But I couldn't help my mind wondering what it was that upset her.

She pulled my arm closer to her and snuggled back into me. Lying with her, in the light-filled dormitory, having her body next to mine in my bed just filled me with peace. She smelled like she always did, which filled me with a strong longing to keep her in my arms as long as I possibly could.

"I don't know what I'll do when you leave me." Marlene suddenly said in a hushed, desperate voice.

"What?" I asked, shocked. Where was this coming from?

"You'll get bored of me soon." She said, and sniffled sharply. "I know it."

Bored of her?

"Marlene, wh – what are you talking about?" I said, panic mounting in my voice.

She flipped over so she lay facing me. Tears started falling from her eyes, but she didn't look away.

"You're going to get bored with me. And you're going to leave." She said fiercely, through the tears rolling down her cheeks. She sat up and propped up on her hand, throwing off the covers.

She was wearing _tiny _shorts, but I tried not to focus on that right now.

I jumped up and grabbed her wrist right as she was walking away. She stopped, but wouldn't turn around.

"Marlene."

She didn't turn.

"Marlene."

Nothing.

"Marley, _please_." I said. Only then did she finally turn slowly on her heal, staring at me with sad eyes.

"I… I could never get bored of you. Ever." I said honestly, as she closed her eyes tightly. I pulled her into my arms and hugged her tightly, ignoring the pounding feeling in my heart about the fact that she thought that of me.

Her hands reached up to cup my cheeks, and she pulled my lips down to hers softly. It wasn't how her kisses usually felt, like fire and ice all at the same time. This felt far away, like a light breeze.

She gave another glance up to my face, and left the dorm.

* * *

><p><strong>Invisible<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

On a normal day, the section of the Gryffindor table that usually at the sixth years of said house was filled with laughter, yelling, strange substances being thrown into the air, and any number of loud conversations about a variety of different topics.

But on the night of March 28, there were none of these things present at dinner. Instead, there was Marlene, hunched over her dinner and looking melancholy eating her peas. There was Lily, who looked equally listless, yet with more of a fire behind her eyes. A slightly forlorn looking Sirius sitting across from them, and sitting next to him was an uncomfortable looking James. Remus sat looking sympathetically at all of us, and the silence was thick and awkward. Sounds echoed from tables around us, and the absence of our noise seemed to startle a few people.

The bewitched sky above in the Great Hall swirled with clouds ominously. I leaned my head up to look if I could see any stars.

"Hi!" Peter suddenly said, sitting down next to James and smiling jovially. He made us all slightly jump. He was probably with his… girlfriend? I think she was…

Peter's appearance seemed to cause a ripple in the mood, but just as it came, it was gone. There was a collective mumbled "hello" before the table fell silent again. Peter glanced around and all of us, his smile falling.

"What's wrong?" He asked, not particularly to anyone.

No one answered.

* * *

><p>Entering the dormitory that night was also uncomfortable. Mary's bed curtains were closed, putting off an air quite like that of the cave of a bad-tempered bear.<p>

"Going to bed?" I asked dumbly as I watched Marlene kneel onto her bed.

"I guess." she said, hugging her bedpost. She stole a glance over to Mary's bed and then closed the bed curtains.

"Ok." I called faintly.

I stood in the middle of the dorm, not knowing what to do with myself. All the bed curtains closed, but I know I couldn't sleep.

I decided I might as well go sit in front of the fire. The heat might make me pass out.

Trudging down the steps, I see a figure sitting on the ground next to the couch. Excitedly, hoping it was Remus, I sped down the remaining stairs.

But instead of Remus, I see Peter sitting on the floor, hunched over a piece of parchment, scribbling.

His tie and shoes were strewn about the floor, and I could hear a slight hum of him talking to himself. His hair was as messy as James' is on a regular basis, and his head looked like it was moving to an internal beat.

His head turned quickly, sensing my presence.

"Oh. Hi Dorcas." He said.

I smiled. "Hi Peter."

It was sort of awkward, I don't think Peter and I have ever actually talked, alone… ever. But honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was go back upstairs and back into the silent dorms.

I meandered over, sitting down on the couch above him. He looked at me quizzically for a minute, before going to back to the parchment.

"What are you writing?" I asked, searching for conversation.

"Essay for Charms." He said quietly, rereading the sentence he just wrote.

We're both quiet for a while.

"So are you going to tell me what's going on, or is everyone going to keep me in the dark?" He asked, annoyed, still not looking up from the parchment.

His words made me almost flinch. I mean, I guess I don't really think about it, but Peter really is part of the Marauders. And now that I think about it, I feel bad. Everyone's always thought of him as a follower.

But he's an actual person.

I exhaled loudly.

"Well… I'm not really sure myself. I heard Mary kissed James at his party. Mary and Marlene had a fight. Lily was involved too. And I don't know what's going on with Marlene and Sirius, but I think something happened with them as well." I said all in one breath.

He blinked once.

"Well." He said.

I almost laughed. "Yeah."

"Well… well… Mary doesn't like James like that, though." He said, confused.

"Yes… I don't really get that either." I said, biting back the response of 'how would you know Mary's feelings?'

He turned to me. "Are _you_ okay?"

I was slightly taken aback by this, but replied. "Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

He swallowed. "Well, I saw you… I saw Greta Harper and her friends with you."

This took me by surprise as well. He's seen that? I hadn't noticed that anybody had been around.

I exhaled. "It's not a big deal. Just mean girls." I said.

He nodded. "Alright. Just… tell me if anything is wrong, ok?" He said.

I was inwardly surprised. This was the first time Peter had shown any real compassion to anyone I've known so far.

I smiled back at him. "Thanks."

"And things are good with you and Remus, then?"

"Yeah."

He looked at me seriously for a moment. "He's really happy, you know? You _make him_ really happy."

I couldn't help but smile.

"Do you know what happened between Sirius and Marlene?" He asked abruptly, turning back to the parchment in front of him.

My smile dropped. I shook my head. "No."

He frowned. "It's too bad. He isn't nearly as much fun when he's feeling lonely."

We both were quiet after that. Time passed rather slowly, and finally he put down his quill.

"Thanks." He said. His voice cut through the silence abruptly, rousing me from my blank train of thought while staring into the fire.

"For what?"

He smiled uncomfortably at me. "For talking to me. Sometimes it feels like I'm invisible to you girls."

And that hit home. _Invisible_.

"You're not." I insisted weakly.

He just smiled at me kindly.

"You don't have to lie to me. I know people see me that way." He said. "Like I just follow James and Sirius around."

I didn't know what to say. I was guilty of that myself.

"I'm turning in. Goodnight." He said. He awkwardly patted me on the shoulder before gathering his things and shuffling up the stairs.

I left the room feeling more down then I had before.

* * *

><p><strong>The Broom Closet<strong>

(Sirius Black)

"Hurry up." She said, giggling softly. Her hair flew behind her as she moved. Her hand reached back and grasped mine.

She smiled back at me as we ran through the darkened hallways.

In the back of my mind, there was a digging feeling this was going to take a turn, and I still couldn't figure out why she had been pulled out of the brooding state that she'd been in for the past few days.

But I wasn't complaining.

She ripped open the door of the broom cupboard and all but pushed me inside.

She had a smile plastered on her face, but it didn't feel genuine. She wasn't okay.

"Marlene are you –"

The statement died in my throat when she took my lips with hers.

She slammed me into the cupboard, but I knew she liked when I was in control, so I flipped our spots and pushed her up into the wall. Her hipbones hit mine, pressing into my ever-present boner.

I tried to shift away.

I was now lost in a sea of blond hair, flowing like a curtain around her. I brushed it back and started to kiss her neck and jaw. Her flesh was so soft, like velvet.

I moved, lower and lower down her neck until I came to the skin right before her tits. And it immediately dawned on me.

This didn't feel right. I didn't want to do anything… sexual besides snogging in a dirty broom closet. I wanted it to be as special as she was, and I knew if I ever got a _taste _of under her shirt, I wouldn't be able to stop.

Especially with her in the state that she was in.

Considering how many things I've gotten up to in how many broom closets, I'd say it was rather surprising.

At this point, it finally occurred to me that I was standing there like an idiot, just staring at her tits. I had to stop before I just grabbed her and tried to shag her against the wall.

"Well, we should probably go… it's… late." I managed to stammer. She stared at me for a prolonged minute.

Her eyes looked dead but upset all at the same time.

I moved away from her and opened the door but she just kept standing where she was.

"Go." She said.

I was going to argue, but I looked at her face and saw her eyes trained at the ground, hand rubbing the back of her neck.

I opened the door.

"I'll be –"

"Yeah." She said quietly.

I swallowed, and then closed the door behind me.

I walked back to the common room with what felt like rocks weighing down my shoes.

I mumbled the password to the Fat Lady, who opened, looking irritated.

On the couch, Moony and Dorcas sat close to each other, fingers intertwined, laughing about something. Next to them was Evans, nose in a book, while Prongs was looking over her shoulder.

Prongs looked up once I got halfway to the steps.

"Padfoot?" He said, looking up from the book. Evans looked too. "What's the matter?"

I simply looked at them for a moment before continuing up the stairs.

Once in my room, I keeled over on my bed.

Suddenly, I realized how dumb it was to simply run away. Merlin, _why the fuck had I just done that?_ The thought of her unprotected in the corridors at night occurred to me, and was followed by an image of her being hurt by one of the Slytherin gits.

I felt like punching myself in the face. Why was I so fucking _stupid_?

Prongs bounded into the room, letting the door fly open.

"Padfoot! What's happened? Where's Marlene?"

I moved past him and shut the door, but before I closed it I heard her familiar musical voice saying, "…have no idea what just happened, but I'm going to my dorm to attempt to get some sleep." and I hurried back into the room.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fucker in fucking hell. Why the _fuck _had I done that?

Now I really couldn't go out of the dorm. I was such an idiot. I sank against the closed door and scooted down to the floor.

"Seriously, are you going to tell me or not?"

Moony came up in a second. He shut the door behind him and looked tiredly at me.

"Where's Marlene?" Prongs asked again.

"She just got in." Moony said quickly, then turning back to me. "What is it you've done now?"

I just rubbed my face roughly with my hands. "I _really _don't want to talk about it."

They both looked at me worriedly.

"Nothing… I just…" I stopped, taking a deep breath out.

"What?" Prongs said impatiently. The whole room seemed like it was getting closer in on me, and I felt the urge to throw up.

"Fine." I finally said. Moony sat down on the bed and started taking off his shoes, and Prongs was "So we're snogging, yeah? And I'm kissing down her neck –"

Moony made an uncomfortable face. "Well Merlin, Moony, if you're going to be such a prat about it I won't tell you at all! And don't act like you haven't gone farther with Dorcas."

Prongs laughed and Moony coughed. "Fine, Padfoot, continue."

"So I get down… down to her shirt and… and…"

"Fucking hell Padfoot, spit it out!" Padfoot practically yelled.

"Fine, I ran away." I said. Both boys looked at me and then started roaring uncontrollably. "Oi! Glad you find it so funny, but Marlene didn't!"

"So… you're scared of her tits?" Moony asked after quieting down. He looked like he was trying really hard not to smile.

"Oh yes. That's it." I deadpanned.

"Why'd you run then?" Prongs asked.

Why _did_ I run? I had a completely perfect opportunity to get something I've been wanting for the better part of this year.

"Dunno." I finally said. "I… I wanted it to be special when we finally did that."

Now the two boys sat, with dumbfounded looks on their faces.

"Holy shit." Prongs muttered. Moony chuckled.

"What?" I asked, looking back and forth between both of them.

"You're just… _maturing._" Moony said, grinning. I chucked a pillow at his head and glared dangerously.

"Don't you ever say that to me again mate. I will _never _grow up. Ever."

* * *

><p>(Marlene McKinnon)<p>

I kissed him, hard on the mouth and shoved him up against the wall of the corridor. I knew it was after hours and I knew Filch might catch us, but I didn't care. Because at that moment, I would have done anything I wanted him so badly.

And maybe the chance of getting caught added to that.

I opened the door to the broom closet next to us and pushed him inside. He grabbed my shoulders and turned me so _my_ back was hitting him against the wall of the closet. I felt a shudder roll through me.

I needed my body to touch his… I _needed _to feel his body against mine. Our hipbones bumped together and I felt him getting hard.

A strong shot of fire seemed to hit my stomach, making it curl.

He suddenly unlatched his lips from mine and started kissing my neck and jaw and chin and _oh Merlin_ he could kiss. My fingers found my way into his hair and held onto his hair. He started sucking on this part of skin between my jaw and my neck and I moaned loudly, probably too loudly for our location.

He merely looked up at me and smirked, and continued kissing my skin. He started kissing my upper chest until he reached where my shirt ended.

He abruptly stopped. Time seemed frozen, as he just stood there and looked at my chest. It was probably one of the most awkward times of my life.

But then suddenly his head snapped up.

"Well, we should probably go… it's… late." He stuttered. His face looked nervously up at mine, and I felt a lump forming in my throat.

He backed away from me towards the door. His eyes looked at me and he swallowed.

What the hell? Was I so grotesque that the thought of feeling me up left him feeling sick?

My stomach clenched angrily.

"Go." I brought myself to say. He looked like he might say something, and me eyes shifted to the ground to try to keep myself collected. I felt tears stinging my eyes, and I'd be damned if I was going to cry now.

I saw his figure outlined in the light from the now opened door.

"I'll be –" He started,

"Yeah."

The door closed behind him.

I stood there, in the dark and dumbfounded for about two minutes, and then sank against the wall.

What had I done? What was wrong with my boobs? Were they too small?

He was probably comparing them to all the other boobs he's no doubt seen. He was probably seeing someone else. He was probably disgusted by me.

Mary's words prodded their way back into my conscious and now all I could hear echoing in my ears was, "_He's going to get bored with you_" over and over again.

I shook my head vigorously, as if trying to shake her words out of my mind. They didn't leave.

Eventually, I knew I had to get back to the dormitories. I walked quickly through the corridors for fear of getting caught.

Once inside, the only people in the common room were Cas and Remus, who both stood up when they saw me.

"Hey, Marlene what happened? Sirius just came in –"

"Oh Marls what did he do? Do you need –"

"You both just… stop." I said, interrupting them both. The tears seemed to be coming back. "I have no idea what just happened, but I'm going to my dorm to attempt to get some sleep." I hoped Remus hadn't heard the trembling in my voice. I turned and climbed the stairs, feeling a sinking in my chest.

* * *

><p><strong>The Boy with Eyes like the Sea<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

He found me sprawled out against the tree, a cig in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. My black hair flatly lay on my chest, and I was wearing the remains of my uniform.

By the end of the day at Hogwarts, many students' uniforms are rather worse for ware. Mine, however, on this day, was almost completely disheveled. My tie was untied and thrown around the back of my neck. My skirt was wrinkled and I was barefoot.

Not my best hour. To be fair, I hadn't expected to see anyone out here, and in a haste to get away from the population of Gryffindors, I'd left my shoes.

But he looked like he'd been trying to do the same thing as I was. He walked along the path from the castle glancing around jerkily. Just trying to get away from things.

He seemed startled when he saw me at first. I was sitting about an eighth of a mile inside the forest, and you don't exactly expect to see people when you're even as chicken as I am about going deep in. We stared at each other for maybe a minute or so, before I broke eye contact and took another drink.

He continued to look at me as I picked at frayed edge on my skirt, holding the cigarette tightly in my left hand. He was still wearing his uniform in full, tie included, thought it was after dinner.

The edge of the forest was silent, most students choosing to retire to their respective common rooms or to the library. The leaves rustled, and the only sounds were our breathing, strangely in sync with the rest of the quiet natural noises.

He sat down next to me, not cautiously, just carefully. I didn't have the energy to move away.

He didn't say anything. He just took the cig and put it out.

I couldn't figure out why I'd let him.

He then took the bottle and put it aside next to him. His face was up close to mine now. I'd vaguely remembered seeing him before passing in the halls and across the grounds, in the blur of faces that passed while walking the hallways.

He had shaggy dark brown hair, and sea-colored eyes. He had a kind smile, the kind that make you smile as well, despite yourself. He was tall, his legs stretched out on the ground. He smelled of fresh soap.

I took a long breath, leaning my head back against the tree. I could feel him staring at me, but I didn't look at him.

I don't remember when I started crying, only that I did.

His hand slowly reached out and enveloped mine. His hands were warm, and felt rough.

I remember him squeezing my hand and whispering, "it's okay, it's okay, it'll be okay."

But all I thought was that it wouldn't. How? How could everything be okay?

We just sat there for what felt like forever. Him, just holding my hand and listening to my sobbing.

I was surprised that I could be this comfortable around such a stranger. I'd seen him an odd four times or so, _maybe_. But, then again, I was a rather lonely person at the time.

Darkness began to fall soon, and he pulled me up and left the bottle sitting next to the tree.

He looked rather unsure of what to do. My vision blurred a little bit, and I felt my knees begin to give. Thankfully, when I stumbled, his arms shot out to hold me steady.

"Come on." He said. His voice was low but strong, and I was grateful for it.

He walked me up to the castle, through the doors and up to Gryffindor towers without saying a word. When we got to the picture of the Fat Lady, he let go of my hand and started to turn away.

"Thank you." I said softly, wanting nothing more than to pass out in my cushioned bed.

He simply smiled and said, "Don't mention it." I watched him turn and walk down the corridor, until he turned left.

I uttered the password to the Fat Lady and stumbled into the common room. I could feel the stares of the other younger girls, judging me.

But I couldn't help it, could I? I was Mary MacDonald, the whore of Gryffindor now. No one cared what actually happened, or why. No one cared about the truth, everyone just cared about what was the most exciting story.

The truth doesn't matter ever. It's too subjective.

When I entered the dorm, Cas seemed to mean to say something, but then just stopped and walked into the bathroom. Marlene was painting her nails, and didn't look at me. Lily smiled weakly at me, and tried to grasp my hands. I simply pulled away and continued towards my bed.

I didn't want to have to deal with any of it. Not Cas, who was convinced that she could "help me" or whatever. Not Marlene, who obviously hated me now. Not Lily, who I knew was just trying to be a good friend. But still, every time I looked at her, I saw me as her charity case.

I just quickly changed into my pajamas and curled up into bed. I was exhausted. Physically and emotionally tired, like in that way where you just want to sleep forever. For years and years until everything's ok again.

The last thing I thought about before I fell asleep was the boy with eyes like the sea.

* * *

><p>AN: ayooooo! hope everybody's doing great.

so these chapters were quite angstyyyyy. hope people enjoyed it anyway.

Review? please please please with a cherry on top?


	13. Flirting, Prejudice, and Cinnamon Buns

**A/N: **Hi all! So yes, I know that there was a long, long delay between the previous chapter and this one. I got swept up in my James/Lily fic "Five Days", and then school and then blahblahblah excuses.

I'll stop rambling. Without further ado, new chapters! Yay!

Please review!

* * *

><p><strong>Apples and Cereal<strong>

(Sirius Black)

That morning, I watched as Dorcas and Evans entered the Great Hall. With no Marlene.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Where was she?

A nervous feeling settled in my stomach as I noticed her absence. Evans and Dorcas settled themselves a few feet away from us on the bench.

Her red head turned around, eyes searching until they found mine. Her green eyes narrowed immediately.

Prongs scooted down the bench so that he was sitting quite close to Evans, and Moony and Wormtail moved too.

I reluctantly followed, my mind still on where Marlene was.

"And how are we today, ladies?" Prongs asked, grinning at Evans.

"Fine." She replied curtly. Guess she was still worked up about that kiss, not that James would ever believe me when I told him how she'd run away that night.

"Where's Marlene?" Wormtail asked thickly, looking around at the table. I was going to punch him the face.

"Upstairs." Evans said, pointedly looking at me. How she managed to keep buttering her toast while keeping complete, terrifying eye contact still puzzles me.

A silence settled over the table as Evans tried to stab me with her eyes.

"What?" I finally asked loudly. Dorcas sighed exasperatedly.

"Oh nothing. Just seeing that you haven't finished your cereal, and you've just taken an apple." Evans said bitingly.

"So?" I shot back a bit confusedly, holding the red apple I'd been keen on enjoying in my palm.

"Just proves a point, is all." Evans replied. "You don't appreciate the things you have right in front of you, even _perfectly good cereal_." She said, pursing her lips.

Wormtail leaned over to me and whispered, "I don't think she's talking about the cereal…"

"Of course she's not talking about the cereal!" Dorcas said.

She turned to me, and talked across Remus. "Black, Marlene is my best friend. I don't like to see my best friend upset. And she is upset. Therefore, you, being the person that has made her upset, should fix it."

"Fuck. She's really upset?" I asked, resisting the need to smash my head into the breakfast table. Dorcas' face softened a little, while Evans continued to glare at me.

"Well what do you think?"

Breakfast ended and the younger students all waddled off to their beginning classes as the older ones reluctantly wandered there. This one time, though, I was in a huge hurry to get to class.

While I was walking through the hallway infested with the midgets, my anger began to get the better of me.

Here I was, trying to be a good gentleman-guy, and make things "special" and all that shit girls were supposed to love, and she has the nerve to be _mad _at me?

Granted, I should have calmly stopped, held her shoulders and said something like, "Marlene. You are incredibly beautiful and amazing and special to me. I do not want the first time I touch your wondrous breasts to be in a dirty broom closet while you are in emotional turmoil. Let us go back to the dorms and go to sleep."

Then we would have walked back to the common room holding hands, and her thinking me a proper gentleman.

Instead, I mumbled something about how late it was and dashed away faster than Wormtail does to get to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Prongs came walking down the hallway and I quickly fell in step with him.

When I got in, Marlene was already seated next to a nervous looking Dorcas. She didn't even glance my way.

Here I was again, sitting behind that gorgeous head of sleek blond hair. A sense of impatience settled in me as Minnie went through a lesson of turning chunks of wood into finely decorated chairs. Honestly, my transfiguration was quite advanced and I had no need to listen.

Marlene didn't take notes, merely choosing to stare forward at the board. I tried to swallow the intense need to yank her up, kiss her and tell her that I was sorry and that if she so wanted me to I'd take her on the desk right then and there.

"Please get into your partners and practice." Minnie said, waving her wand.

Moony and I quickly transfigured the chunks of wood, and Moony got up to help Doe with her work. Marlene got up without doing any work and glanced at me as she strode across the room.

She stopped in front of the desk of one Patrick O'Ryan.

I could feel my chest welling up with anger. What was she doing? She glanced back again as she began saying something to O'Ryan, causing him to grin wolfishly at her.

She leaned against his desk angling her body towards him. He said something else, causing her to throw her head back in laughter.

Unconsciously, my hand gripped the desk in anger.

Moony realized this and came back over to the desk. Dorcas sighed nervously again and watched back and forth between Marlene and I.

When she reached over and touched his shoulder, I felt the unparalleled need to punch something. Why was she flirting with O'Ryan?

She stayed at his desk for what felt like an eternity. Whispering something in his ear, she sauntered away from him and back to where Evans was sitting, desperately pointing her wand at the still not Transfigured chairs.

Class ended and the class quickly exited the room. She walked halfway down the corridor when I grasped her arm, and she stopped.

"What the hell was that?" I asked venomously.

Her head turned slowly to face me. She yanked her arm free from my grasp and _shrugged_. "What ever are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about. You throwing yourself at O'Ryan." I spat out.

"Well, _Black_ –"

"Don't give me that last name bullshit. We're in too deep for that." I asked angrily.

I watched her eyes flicker away from mine and onto the ground.

"You made your feelings for abundantly clear last night." She said in a dangerously low voice. My stomach felt like it flipped upside down in despair.

I'd like to say that I'd taken her and kissed her passionately, and then said something romantic or some other shit like that. But that'd be lie.

"No – That wasn't – I…"

"It's alright Black." She said, straightening up and slowly back away down the hall. "I shouldn't have gotten confused. I should have remembered that you'd say anything to get a girl to snog you. It's obvious to me now that you simply wanted another number on your list of conquests. I should have realized earlier that you'd get bored sooner or later. I'm just glad it was sooner… rather than later. But don't worry. I'm sure McAllister, or another one of your girls will be up for it."

"Marlene – Marley!" I called after her. She walked down the hallway, not turning around.

We'd been in these positions – Her walking away and leaving me staring dumbly after her – entirely too many times.

My stomach curled in anger. Why did she insist on bringing up my past every time I'd done something wrong? And it was _because _of my past that I didn't want to start anything while in a ruddy broom closet.

If this was fucking maturing, it was final that I wanted to stay young forever. Then maybe I'd be shagging the girl right now.

* * *

><p><strong>Unlikely Partners<strong>

(Dorcas Meadowes)

"Really Marlene?" Lily asked incredulously during Potions class. The three of us were sharing a desk and currently whispering while Professor Slughorn explained the chart projected up on the board.

The entire day had truly been a pain. With Marlene and Mary and their silent war, and now with Marlene and Sirius and Patrick, it seemed as though my precariously set social world had come crashing down.

"What?" Marlene replied gruffly, leaning over her paper and sketching a triangle pattern on the corner with her quill.

Lily exhaled loudly. "Flirting with O'Ryan like that? I know you're upset at Black, and god knows he's not my favorite guy, but that was low."

I looked over at Marlene to gage her reaction. Her mouth had merely formed into a tight white line, and her eyes clamped shut.

Not a minute later, she opened her eyes, picked up her quill, and continued drawing as if she simply hadn't heard what Lily was saying.

My gaze drifted to my boyfriend. He was sitting up straight, taking clean, neat notes at an alarming pace. My heart hurt watching him, I just wanted to run up and throw my arms around him.

On top of everything else, Remus and I were seeing each other less and less. He was "always needing to catch up on something" and would "talk to me later". It felt like years since we had some alone time. I knew it was completely not his fault that he was drowning under parchment and textbooks, but I still missed him a great deal.

"Excuse me?" Slughorn suddenly said loudly. The buzzing of whispered conversation died from the room.

Slughorn adapted a stern-looking position and looked down at all of us authoritatively.

"It looks like you all have gotten off track. Although the practical side of potions may be hard to concentrate on periodically, it is crucial when brewing the actual potion itself." He lectured. After a pause, he continued. "It seems that we will have to switch up the seating."

The entire class groaned. Potions happened to be a class that we had with the Slytherins, and being Gryffindors, obviously the two groups didn't mix well.

Though we all sluggishly lifted ourselves from our desks and meandered over to the side of the classroom, Slughorn facing us.

Stealthily, I slid over to where Remus was standing and grabbed his hand.

He grinned down at me.

"Hi." He whispered.

"Hi." I said back.

Slughorn stared at all of us closely.

"Er… well, let's have… Sirius Black and… Lily Evans!" He announced. "Yes, right, over here, desk to the left."

Both named parties audibly protested.

"How's that going to solve anything? Those two bicker like crazy." Remus whispered to me. "If anything, it'll just make both more disruptive!"

I giggled, and covered it with my sleeve.

Marlene, next to me, stiffened as Sirius and Lily got situated in their new seats.

"Now… Severus Snape and… Remus Lupin!"

Over towards the corner of the room, Snape's shoulders visibly sank. Remus swallowed and let out a loud sigh.

I looked up at him.

"Don't worry, I'll survive." He whispered to me, before taking his place.

"Marlene McKinnon and… er… yes, Evan Rosier!"

The entire room went dead silent.

My eyes swiveled over to Marlene, who took a deep breath. She quickly combed her hair out of her face, and strode to the desk Slughorn was pointing them to.

The class went by rather dully now that everyone was placed (I was partnered with James, who would prove to be a distraction, but I wasn't worried).

Gathering up our books, students quickly exited the room. I waited patiently for Remus, who (after getting pushed aside by Snape) followed me outside.

"Can't you just ask to switch?" I suggested. "Slughorn might do it."

Remus shook his head sadly. "Slughorn sure as hell wouldn't do it for me."

"And why not?"

His face suddenly turned very serious.

"He just… er… doesn't like me."

"Rubbish! You're all right at potions. Better than Marlene and I, at least. Probably James and Sirius too!"

He sighed. "Slughorn just has… how should I say this? Er… old-fashioned beliefs. About blood, and things…"

My brow crinkled. "But you're not Muggleborn. And either way, it shouldn't matter –"

"Doe, I'm a _half-breed_." He blurted out, the corners of his mouth drooping. "There are some people out there who think that I should be living in a secluded area, away from society. Some people don't even think I deserve to live."

My heart caught in my throat.

"But Slughorn doesn't think that way! He's a teacher! He was hired by Dumbledore, and he –"

"All the teachers know about my condition. And Slughorn was here before Dumbledore. And yes, he does. There's no way around it."

Tears threatened to spill from my eyes.

Although I felt selfish and stupid for crying, because it wasn't my issue, and I couldn't possibly know what he was going through, my eyes burned.

I couldn't say anything. I didn't know what I could say.

So I hugged him, smelling his quintessential _Remus _smell, and kissed him hard.

Pulling away with a slight smack, I kissed him on the cheek once more. The hallway was filling with people again, and it must have been about time for the second class.

"Bye, Remus."

He smiled sadly. "See you after class, Doe."

* * *

><p><strong>Second Impressions<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

The bed creaked. My nails dug into his back as I tried to brace myself.

He was too rough.

I never really understood the phrase, "making love". No, this was definitely not making love. It was wrong for anyone to call it this, to romanticize this animalistic act. It was _fucking_, _screwing, shagging_… not love.

His sweaty body dropped on top of mine, panting. I was exhausted, and sore. I watched him roll off of me and onto the bed.

And then the feeling came. The feeling that comes after every time I do it. The self-loathing, the impatience with the world, the intense hatred of everything, the feeling that I could simply just _burst _with anger. But somehow, this feeling was worth the brief moment of being desired… or whatever.

I let him hold me and we fell asleep in his bed that night. He smells like sweat and sex and cologne.

I knew it was a bad idea and I should have just gone by now.

But I liked this too much. Sleeping next to someone. A real, breathing person that I could pretend cared about me. So I let myself drift off to sleep, a pair of arms holding my waist…

* * *

><p>The next morning, I woke up to the sound of someone yelling, "Oi! Patrick!" on the other side of the bed curtains.<p>

My heart sped up. I'd overslept. What time was it? How could I leave? Who was – ?

Suddenly the curtains were ripped open, and I looked straight into stunning blue-green eyes.

The boy, up close, was more attractive than I'd remembered. His jaw dropped and then tightened back up. He stood staring at me, still holding the curtain. He was wearing only boxers_._

When my eyes traveled back up to his face, his eyes looked sad. I reached down to the bottom of the bed and hastily pulled on my shirt, and he looked away.

Patrick turned over in bed and mumbled something like, "Get out mate… fuck off…"

I reached down next to the bed and pulled on my jeans. When I collected everything I could quickly find, I ran out. Ocean Eyes, who was now wearing his uniform shirt and pants, watched me past.

My head was spinning. So he was in Ravenclaw. And he'd just seen me… me with Patrick…

The one person who I didn't think knew I was, well… a whore, now knew the truth. My heart sank and I felt like screaming. Why was life so keen on fucking me over?

This… this boy, whoever he was, had now seen me in very vulnerable positions. The image of his face when he saw it was I with Patrick burned a hole in my mind.

* * *

><p>(<em>3rd Person Limited<em>, because you know what? Fuck it, I'm the writer of this fic and I'll do what I want)

Benjy Fenwick stood in the middle of the sixth year Ravenclaw boys' dormitories, holding a pair of socks, staring after the mystery girl he'd met in the forest. Her black hair swished at her back as she closed the dormitory door shut and hurried through the common room.

His eyes darted to the bra next to his feet, before back up at Patrick's bed.

"Thanks mate." Patrick said sarcastically, stumbling out of bed. He rubbed his eyes and scowled at him.

"Sorry." Benjy said, feeling annoyance build in the pit of his stomach. "I didn't know you were having _guests _over."

Patrick scoffed. "That silencing charm must have worked last night then."

Benjy's jaw tightened. Patrick and him had been mates since first year, sharing a dormitory and all. But as they grew, Patrick became less and less of the kind of person Benjy wanted to hang around.

But nonetheless, some kinds of bonds don't break so easily, especially ones that have been made years ago.

"Are you guys together then?"

"No, why'd you think that?" He asked, scratching his chest and squinting at the bright morning light.

"You… you just shagged her." Benjy said impatiently.

"So? I was horny. And Mary MacDonald's an easy shag." He said nonchalantly, standing up and walking toward me.

"Don't look at me like that Benj. She knew what she was getting into. Oh, and don't be jealous. We'll get you a shag soon, and if you're good, I'll teach you my moves." Patrick said, patting Benjy roughly on the cheek before laughing and walking into the bathroom.

So the girl in the forest was Mary MacDonald.

She was the one everyone was talking about.

She was just lost. He thought of how lost she looked, sitting there among the beginnings of spring. She was shivering, crying and smoking those disgusting cigarettes. Her bare feet were almost blue. She just needed someone there with her.

He remembered he'd seen her a couple times, walking with Marlene McKinnon and Lily Evans, but never actually talked to her. She had been laughing, talking, smiling… enjoying life.

That wasn't the girl he saw leaving the dorm that morning.

* * *

><p><strong>Cinnamon Bun<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

"Marlene. You're in bed. It's four thirty in the afternoon. Get up." Cas' voice echoed through the curtains of my bed.

"No." I mumbled, flopping the pillow over my head in attempts to drown out the sound.

Unfortunately, the tell tale sound of the curtains being pulled open floated into my ears. Before I knew it, Cas was sitting on top of me, ripping the pillow from my hands.

"Just let me mope." I said tiredly.

It was funny. All these serious things happened, and I don't think I'd talked to Cas normally since things transpired, but right away we were back to playful banter.

She sighed, rolling off me and down onto the bed next to me.

"So. Are we going to talk about the disaster that is our sad lives, or not?" She asked.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"I don't even know." I said.

We lay in silence for a while, just breathing in steady intervals and thinking to ourselves.

"My life is really fucked, isn't it?" I said, laughing humorlessly. "My boyfriend doesn't want me, and my best friend thinks I'm a fucking prude. And oh yeah, surprise! They're actually related! So. Yes, there's that. Then there's the fact that there is a pile of essay assignments in my bag that are yet to be started, and all I want to do is sit in my bed and wrap myself up in blankets and pretend I'm a cinnamon bun!"

The room felt like it simply _rang _in silence after I'd finished.

"Marlene." Dorcas started exasperatedly. "Your life isn't fucked up."

"Cas –"

"No." She said seriously, sitting up and staring at me from above. "So you got in a fight with your best friend. You are bound to have fights once in a while. And I don't think she was even upset at specifically you."

"As for Sirius, maybe he just wasn't ready. And you can't blame him for that. I know you were embarrassed, but that's no reason to throw yourself at other boys when you know that hurts him."

"Think, Marlene. So you're having some social trouble. It's not the end of the world. There's not people out there who aren't willing to give you a fair chance, no matter how good you are, because of something you can't change. You've got a great family, an older brother who loves you, a boyfriend, hopefully _still_, and two friends who _aren't _mad at you and are just looking to help you."

She finally finished, exhaling deeply and standing up from the bed. I lay motionless, letting the words of her impromptu speech wash over me.

Her blond hair disappeared from view as she shut the bed curtains.

I heard her voice say, "Have fun being a cinnamon bun." before the door closed softly.

* * *

><p><strong>New update soon! Please reviewwww!<strong>


	14. Distance, Cherries, and The Letter J

**Distance**

(Dorcas Meadows)

Marlene didn't leave her bed that morning. Which I sort of expected.

Maybe I'd been a little harsh with her, something I'm not often. It just bothered me to no end that she didn't even try to talk to Mary.

Mary was at breakfast, though. She sat down next to Sirius without a second thought, the two eating a little ways down the table from us. Lily walked down with me to the wooden table and swung her leg around, sitting firmly on the bench and grasping her fork, hair pulled back tightly in a ponytail.

"Why do people even eat other meals? Breakfast food is the best."

"I'll never know." I replied vaguely as she took a stab at the egg and ham sitting on her plate. Remus hadn't come down yet either, making me feel sort of antsy. Maybe I could go and see him or something, he must not _still _be sleeping.

Out of nowhere, James sat down next to me, putting two textbooks down on the table.

"Morning Dorcas." He said, giving me a smile and ruffling his hair. He leaned in front of me, and added, "Evans."

Lily peered behind her curtain of red hair in front of her face, affording him a muttered, "'Morning."

Her face colored as he smiled back at her. I bit back a grin as the two turned to their breakfast plates.

"Mail's here."

An unfamiliar looking brown owl suddenly dropped a letter right onto my plate. I picked it up quickly before it got too drenched in my syrup.

Staring quizzically at Lily, I peeled open the envelope, extracting a letter written in my father's thin, messy scrawl.

"That's funny…"

"What?" Lily and James chorused at the same. I turned to Lily.

"My father just sent me a letter, but he doesn't have an owl. Strange."

* * *

><p><em>Dear Dorcas,<em>

_I don't know how to start this letter, really. I'm not going to pretend to be ok, because I'm not, and I know you're smarter than that. _

_Before you read the rest of this, just know that I love you. I love you more than all the words of all the books in all the universe._

_Two days ago your mother left. There was a note on the table telling me she was moving to France, and that she loved you. _

_Don't be angry with her. Your mother has not been herself for a long time. I think she needed to get back to the magical world, something I could never give her. _

_I'm sorry. I know this will be hard on you, but I want you to continue to work as hard as you can at school and do well. I know you will._

_I'll see you in June. Feel free to write me whenever you want._

_Love, Dad_

* * *

><p>I felt my heart sink to my feet.<p>

My mother left? For _France?_

I jumped up from the table, still staring at the letter in front of me.

"Dorcas? Um... are you ok?" James asked, looking at me, puzzled.

"Uh..." I took a breath, shoving my hair behind my ears. "Yeah. Fine."

I sat back down, stuffing the letter in my bag on the ground. James and Lily were both scrutinizing me, but I just smiled forcedly at Lily. She seemed to take the hint.

"Ok..." Lily said, but changed the subject. "Did you do the Potions essay? About bezoars? Because I don't think mine is long enough."

"How much did you write?" James asked over me.

Lily glared at him, turning pointedly to me. "Professor Slughorn said three feet, but I wrote three and a half to be safe."

James rolled his eyes. "Cough cough, overachiever, cough cough."

Hitting him hard on the shoulder, Lily reached into her back and took out a large potions textbook.

* * *

><p>The day seemed to drag on, but I didn't really notice any of it while it passes.<p>

How could my mum do this to my dad? It didn't make sense.

She's such a selfish person. My dad worked so hard to make her happy, and she didn't appreciate any of it. He practically gave all his money to her so she could have nice things, and she tortured him by being distant in return.

And now she was _literally _distant. Not even in living with him anymore.

I hated her. I hated her.

"Hey. Hey, Cas. Hey."

My head tilted up. "What?"

"Class is over." Lily said expectantly, looking around the now empty History classroom.

"Oh... er, yeah."

"Is something wrong?" She asked as we exited the classroom and walked down the hall.

What was I supposed to say? The thought of saying it out loud made me want to throw up.

"Um, nothing. Just thinking."

"About Remus?" She pressed.

"Er... yes. I always get nervous near the full moon."

Her eyebrows furrowed. "The full moon was two weeks ago. There isn't a new one soon..."

"Oh, well... I guess not. So I shouldn't be worried." I said. "Come on, we'll be late for Defense."

* * *

><p>I sat in my dorm, light wind whistling through the cracked open window. I stared at the blank piece of parchment in front of me.<p>

I had to write my father back. I had to. It would worry him if I didn't send a reply, he might think it got lost or something.

But what was I supposed to say?

My mother, his wife, was... well, what was she doing? A vacation? I suppose. A vacation from us.

* * *

><p><em>Dear Dad,<em>

* * *

><p>I stopped. What was there to be said?<p>

* * *

><p><em>Thank you for telling me. Yes, mum did seem distant, I suppose.<em>

* * *

><p>Distant. She was <em>distant. <em>What did that even mean? Distance within her soul, now distance within her body. Vacant eyes. Feather-light touch. Cold voice.

She was still my mother. Yet... she wasn't. What could have happened to her to make her change from the woman I used to love more than anything? The woman who read me stories every other night before tucking me into bed, the woman who taught me how to bake pumpkin pie and how to prepare and cook a chicken properly. What happened to her?

I guess she was in a French villa in the countryside far, far away.

* * *

><p><strong>You Should Call Yourselves "The J-Squad"<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

"Hey kid."

I turned and saw Jake walking towards me, hands shoved in his pockets and looking at me amusedly.

"What's up Jake?"

He stopped and looked taken aback. "What's with you? You look like hell."

"Thanks."

"Oi! Not even a slap? Somethings really got you." He said, sitting down next to me on the stone bench outside the Entrance Hall. Inside, I'd say it was about time for lunch to end. "What is it?"

I didn't say anything, watching the Hufflepuff Quidditch team come up from the pitch. Amos caught my eye for a moment, but then clapped his hands and yelled something like, "Come on team, hustle!" And the sea of yellow disappeared inside.

"Well, here's some news: Jack, John, Jamie, and Jarod are all coming over for the summer."

I groaned. "No. No, absolutely not."

"Come on, they're not that bad."

"They are weird!" I protest. "They've all got names that start with J, which is really strange, and whenever we play Quidditch they always insist I can't play!"

Jake splutters. "They... well, they're from a really small town somewhere in France, it's not my fault they have strange moral values about women -"

"They're sexist! And weird! And constantly ask me if I'm menstruating enough to attract bears!"

"Ok, now you've got to be kidding."

"Fine, maybe that was a lie, but that's what they imply! And Mum always makes me sleep in the cottage when they come over. And don't think they're not snooping through my stuff!"

"You know, you could try to be not a complete bitch, that might get you somewhere..."

"You just like them because they're your little crowd. Jake with Jack, John, Jamie and Jarod. You could fight crime. Be called the J-Squad."

Jake stared at me incredulously for a minute before pulling his robes closer around him.

"Are you done?"

I glared. "No."

There's a pause. "Yes."

"So why don't you tell me what's really going on?" Jake asked, scooting closer to me and kicking my shoe with his.

"What's happening with you and Kailey Pottsworth?" I countered.

"Why are you changing the subject?"

"Why aren't you answering my question?"

He grinned. "Ok. Well... we're dating."

"Congrats. Is she a cherry?"

"Marlene!" He shouts, shoving me hard. "Don't ever say that again. You're my little baby sister, you shouldn't even be _thinking _words like that!"

I howled in laughter. "Oh _believe me," _I teased. "I've done a lot more than _think _about it, _if you know what I mean._"

He shoved me again. "Shut up."

"Ok." I say, hugging close to his arm.

There's a moment of silence before I whispered in his ear, "Are you a cherry?"

"Marlene Maude McKinnon!"

"Fine, fine. Sorry."

At that moment, I saw over the hill a wavy black head of hair running up from Hagrid's hut, following Remus. The pair walked quickly but casually, and within a minute they were gone around the side of the tower.

He didn't see me.

"Oh." Jake said.

I felt like punching him. "What?"

"Nothing."

* * *

><p><strong>Self-Loathing Whore Mary MacDonald<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

The sunlight shot into my eyes and I opened them blearily. I realized I was laying in a bed, and the curtains weren't red.

They were green… oh.

I sat up and ran a hand through my hair. I located my underwear and bra and slipped them on silently. It was a routine now, a science, almost.

I should write a book. I'd call it: _How to Leave the Morning After by Self-Loathing Whore Mary MacDonald_.

Ha.

My head span. I clutched my forehead and looked down at my naked pale feet. Fuck, my body ached and I could barely see straight.

I heard the bed creak next to me, and saw Damian Pierce turn over in his bed.

"Hello little Mudblood girl." He said, and grinned like a wolf.

The word stung in my ears, but I said nothing. I stood up off the bed and grabbed my skirt off the floor. The wood floor was too cold for comfort, but I felt as if I desperately needed to get out of there.

"Better get going. My mates should be up soon, and we wouldn't them seeing you here now would we?" He said, wrapping his arm around my stomach. I threw it off.

"Relax. I'm leaving." I said, pulling up my skirt and slipping my jacket on over my bra. I briefly wondered where my shirt had gone, but I supposed it didn't matter.

I heard a muffled snore from the bed to the right, but just glanced back at Damian and left the room.

Exiting the boys room into the common room, thankfully no one was there. I slipped back out into the hall and hurried down to the Gryffindor rooms.

I always hated the dungeons. Too dark and cold for my liking, but I could see how the Slytherins loved it down here.

The halls were quite drafty at this time of day, which I assumed was pretty early. I could feel the paintings' eyes on me as I walked past them in my disheveled appearance, and after I would pass they would whisper and hiss at each other about me.

I didn't care. Because he seemed to want me, and I wanted to be wanted. The sound of him screaming 'mudblood' as he fucked me still rang in my ears. I wasn't a mudblood, but in this sick, twisted way I desperately wished I was.

I felt disgusting. I felt like I needed a shower, an infinite shower, washing off every single particle of him off me. I always felt this way after, yet I always seemed to do it anyway. My thighs felt sore.

I was insane. I was sure of it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And if that wasn't me, I didn't know what was.

When I finally padded into the common rooms, I realized I only had about ten minutes until the girls started getting up. I ran to the bathroom, and stopped in front of the mirror.

My black hair was tangled and matted up in the back, my eyes lightly dusted in black residue from my makeup. My lips were chapped and I realized I had a hickey on my neck, and one on my lower jaw.

I felt as if I might cry, but I didn't. I had no more tears left.

I sloppily splashed my face with water and wiped off as much black as I could from around my eyes. I knew I didn't have time to shower, so I tip toed into the room and grabbed a clean uniform.

I could hear the bed creaking as Lily woke up, as she did every morning at about now. I hastily pulled my clothes on, and tried to look busy.

As the clock struck seven, the dorm started coming to life. Lily's bed curtains opened and she shut off the alarm. She stretched, and then looked at me.

"Mary. You're up early."

"Yeah." I said, not really knowing how to respond. She nodded and bit her lip. I watched her eyes look over my appearance, and they stopped on my neck.

I awkwardly covered the hickey with my palm, and looked at the ground. I heard her sigh, and step off the bed.

Surprisingly, I felt her arms wrap around me and pull me into her.

Her body was warm, clean. She was shorter than me, hugging me like a younger child. I brought my chin to her shoulder, and rested my head there. She smelled nice, her red hair obscuring my vision.

"Mary. I love you, ok?" She said softly. "And I know you're going through a time right now. But I just need you to know that you're one of my best mates, and whatever you need… I'll be there. I promise."

I felt tears leaking from my eyes. Her words felt like they embraced me, just as she was. I believed her, because that was just the person Lily was. She accepted you, without a doubt. She was loyal and I knew that she would _actually _be there. It's just who she was.

"Ok." I managed to choke out. Her impossibly long red hair tickled my cheeks, but I didn't care.

She stood there with me for a while, until we could hear noises in the common room and Cas waking up.

When she finally let go of me, my body felt cold. She smiled at me, and then moved into the bathroom.

Maybe I shouldn't have assumed. Lily's still the perfectionist she was, but I gave her less credit than she deserved. Maybe she wasn't judging me. Maybe she wasn't pitying me.

Maybe she was just my friend.

* * *

><p><strong>'Morning'<strong>

(Sirius Black)

"Mate! Mate!" I yelled to James down the hallway. He stopped, waiting for me to catch up with him before walking again down the corridor.

"She said good morning."

"That's cool but -"

"Well, granted, it was more like a clipped 'morning' than a full 'good morning'..."

"Great, Evans acknowledges your existence, congratulations, but -"

"But it's progress. Yesterday it was just a nod, I wonder what it'll be tomorrow!"

I sighed. There was no use trying to talk to James when he was like this. Ever since him and Evans have turned acquaintances, it's all he talks about. True, the bloke was supposedly in love with her since he met her, but still!

"Relax mate. It was just a good morning."

"It was 'morning' actually."

At the end of the hall, I see Marlene standing talking to Lily, hugging her books tightly to her chest. She isn't wearing any makeup, and although she looks rather tired, she still looks gorgeous.

She takes one look at me, squeezes Lily's arm, and takes off down the left hallway.

"Lily!" James yelled across the hall.

A ginger eyebrow shot up and a frown covered her lips. Lily, too, turned and walked away.

"Eh, well." He said. "Progress, right?"

I rub my face tiredly. "Yeah, mate. Sure. Have you by any chance seen Remus around?"

He shrugged. "Dunno. He's probably in the library, that'd be my best guess. I'm going to head out to the pitch, maybe throw a quaffle around. Coming?"

I shrug. "Alright. But no more talk about birds, ok?"

His gaze softens into a sympathetic look that I desperately wish he would drop. While he's been so wrapped up in Lily, I've been dealing with... well, there's no use thinking about something that's over, right?

"Ok. Deal."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I AM ALIVE! **Yes, yes, I know it's been literally forever since I've updated. To be honest, I fell a little out of love with this story. I lost inspiration and I just didn't feel any motivation to keep writing. But then this came out of nowhere, and I am determined to finish this story, if not only for myself, but for all the good people who read this, and who reviewed and favorited and everything. And to anyone still here and reading this, THANK YOU FOR NOT GIVING UP ON ME.

For those who asked: yes, we will be seeing more of Benjy, and yes, there are big things about to happen between Dorcas and Remus.

And for the many, many people who suggested I add more Jily: Jily is totally an OTP of mine, and I literally love the pairing to pieces, but you've got to keep in mind that this is still sixth year. Although Lily is warming up to James, they will not be dating at any time in this fic. They got together in seventh year and I'm sticking to that canon fact. Also, I won't be adding their POVs, just simply because I'm so far in and people have really gotten to know the characters, and it would take more time and lots more chapters to introduce their personalities thoroughly, neither of which I decided to do.

Look forward to an update soon, there are big things happening next.

Thank you all.

(oh, and please review!)


	15. Life Lessons, Hope, and Porcupine Quills

**A Life Lesson from an Unlikely Source**

(Mary MacDonald)

As I walked out of the front door of the castle, I pulled out a box of cigarettes from my pocket and lit on with my wand.

I scanned the perimeter, and luckily no one was around. It was around the beginning of lunch, but I somehow couldn't bring myself to eat.

I breathed the smoke in and closed my eyes. The day was one of those days when it's about to be spring, and you're so keen on it being warm that you don't wear a jacket even though you feel cold.

I walked down by the lake, knowing that there wouldn't be too many people down there. Smoking my cig and in deep thought, I didn't realize the figure sitting next to the lake, scribbling in a black notebook.

When I finally realized, I was almost right next to him. I stopped in front of him, but he didn't notice I was there.

I coughed softly, and his head snapped up at me.

"Hi." He said in a soft, deep voice.

_Sea eyes._

"Hi." I said, biting back my smile. He closed his notebook, and I sat down next to him. He was silent and so was I, taking slow drags of my cigarette. We both looked out over the lake, watching some girls swim a few feet away from us.

"So I feel like since we obviously keep running into each other, it's about time I learn your name." I said finally.

"I'm Benjy. Benjy Fenwick." He said, smiling at me. I studied his face. He had a nice smile, one of those smiles that you feel warmth from.

"I'm Mary MacDonald." I said back, inhaling again. His eyes stayed glued to me as I did this, and then looked away. "Want a smoke?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Nah. I don't smoke."

"Why? Are you a straight edge?" He looked away.

"My mum died from lung cancer. So I don't." He said. A pang of guilt hit me square in the chest.

"Oh. I'm sorry –"

"You didn't kill her." A pause went by before he said, "Why do you smoke?"

"I…" I tried to search for an actual plausible reason, but couldn't find one. He nodded, and put his notebook down away from him.

"What's that?"

"What?"

"What are you writing?" I asked again. He moved the book farther away from me.

"Nothing." He said passively. I eyed him for a moment and then quickly grabbed the book from its spot on the ground. "Hey!" He protested. "We're practically strangers, and you're invading my privacy!"

"We're not strangers! You've seen me practically naked." I said, grinning as I opened up the book. Inside, there were pages and pages of words. It looked like a journal, but there were some pages that looked like poems and some that looked like entries. "What is this?"

"I like to write down my thoughts." He said simply, grabbing the notebook from my hands and closing it. "Just… observations."

"On what?"

"People. Things. Life, I guess." He said, unbending his legs and stretching them out in front of us. I did the same, realizing I was still holding my cigarette.

I put it out on the ground.

"So you're a writer."

He scoffed.

"Nah, I'm not that good. I just like to write down my thoughts so I don't forget them. I've got lots more at home." He said.

"So it's a diary?" I replied. He frowned.

"Gee thanks, I was trying to make it seem as manly as I could right there, but obviously you saw through my whole façade." I laughed again.

"You're funny Fenwick. How come I've never met you until now?"

"Maybe you just haven't been looking hard enough." He said.

"See, you're my kinda guy." I said. "Turned a simple question into a life lesson."

"Life lesson from an unlikely source."

"Yeah, it's nice to talk to you when I'm not near naked or intoxicated." I joked, picking a string coming off my tie.

He grinned. "Yeah. I like you too."

"Hey, I never said that."

"Yeah you did."

I smiled back. "Yeah, I guess I did."

I followed his gaze out over the water, lapping up across from our feet.

"So how're things?"

I shrugged. "Well, I'm still in a fight with my best friend."

He made a popping noise with his mouth. "Oh. What for?"

"She was being a voice of reason. I wasn't listening. Insults were hurled. And now here we are."

His eyebrows crinkled. "That's it?"

"What do you mean 'that's it'?"

He looked at me. "You didn't murder her cousin or steal some jewels or something?"

I laughed out loud. "What do you think we're in, some kind of soap opera? Who says 'jewels'?"

"Soap opera? What's that?"

"A concert about cleaning supplies. Never mind, continue."

He scoffed. "Well, an insult seems pretty fixable. It's just words. And if you just use some different words, talk it out, things will be fine."

"I'm not so sure."

"If she's your best friend, it's worth a shot, right?"

I leaned back, smiling at him as he looked at me confusedly. "What?"

"Benjy Fenwick. Teaching life lessons since 1960."

He grinned.

* * *

><p><strong>Hope<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

"Remus!" Doe's voice echoed down the hallway. I turned just in time for her to jump into my arms, squeezing me tightly against her and giggling.

"Hello to you too." I said, letting her down. She straightens my collar with a blush over her cheeks.

"Sorry. I just miss you so much, I feel like I haven't seen you in years."

"A few days, actually."

"Too long." She said, grinning and pulling me down to her. She kissed me quickly, looking up bashfully at me. My hand pressed into her lower back and I kissed her deeper. Noises of footsteps and the hum of voices sounded around me, but all I wanted at that moment was Dorcas Meadowes.

She pulled away, hitting me lightly on the shoulder.

"We're in the hallway!"

I grabbed her hand. "Well come on then."

We went to my room. There was no one there, so Doe and I flopped onto my bed. I took her into my arms, smelling her hair and letting my muscles relax. We laid quietly without words for so long I thought she'd fallen asleep.

"You work too hard." She said into the silence.

She turned over, putting her hands on either side of my face and pressing her forehead against mine.

"So do you." I murmured, kissing her lightly.

She pulled back, studying me. "Are you alright? You've been rather... _reserved_ lately."

"So have you."

"Well what's on your mind." She asked, laying back down next to me. Her hand crept over the blankets and into mine.

"You go first."

"Is your news bad or good?"

"Maybe good. Possibly good. What about yours?"

She sighed, and traced the scar on my cheek with her finger. Then the one on my neck, then on my forearm, and then on my knuckles.

"Well, then you go first. Then maybe I can cheer you up." I said, leaning up on my forearms.

Her hands moved up to rub her face.

"My mother's gone."

"What?"

"She's gone away." Doe said quietly. "To France."

Her mouth crumpled, and a tear slid out of her right eye. "My dad owled me about it maybe a week ago. I haven't told anyone. I haven't written him back. I don't know what to do."

I struggled to say something.

"And my dad's just... he's just _taking it_, like it was inevitable, like it was his fault. It's not. It's not his fault that she's a selfish bitch who only thinks about herself and her needs."

"Maybe they just need some time away?" I suggested. "Sometimes when people are having problems, they split for a bit. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"

She shook her head vigorously. "Remus, you don't understand. My mother... when she leaves..." She squeezed her eyes shut, letting hair fall in front of her face. "She isn't coming back. Not ever."

"You don't know that -"

"But I do." She insisted. "It's like... it's almost like I could sense it, like she was looking for an escape, like she was looking for a reason to leave. I saw it before, but I never acknowledged it. And now what am I supposed to do?"

I grabbed her and pulled her on top of me into a bear hug. Her sweet blond hair tickled my face as she cried into my shirt. She pushed my chest away with her hands after a few minutes, wiping the tear tracks from under her eyes.

She took a deep breath before laughing, "What is wrong with this year? Since when does Hogwarts house so much... drama?"

"It always did. We were just too blind to see it all."

She swallowed thickly before looking at me hopefully. "What's your news?"

I paused. "Come on Remus, tell me. Seriously."

"Well, I was reading the Prophet last Thursday, and in one of the back articles, there was a story about a man named Damocles. He's in the initial process of trying to invent a potion that would supposedly keep the drinker's mental facilities when they transform. It's for werewolves."

She looked amazed for a second before throwing her arms around my neck.

"Remus, that's amazing!"

"Well, it's just a theory at the time, it'll take a long time to arrive at a stable potion, even longer to get it legalized. Probably years." I said, half to myself. Ever since I'd read the article, I'd tried very hard to not get my hopes up. But this was the first thing I'd heard about there being an attempt to help victims of lycanthropy.

Still. It will take years. And maybe not even ever.

"But it's hope." Doe whispered, pulling me closer to her.

* * *

><p>"I said, pass me the Valerian root." Snape said sharply. I took the root from under the desk and gave it to him. He dropped it into the potion, stirring back and forth.<p>

"Aren't we supposed to -"

"No." He spat.

"But you don't even know what I was going to -"

"I know it's wrong."

Deep breaths. I needed to keep breathing, and I needed to show that I'm not annoyed.

I glanced behind me and saw Sirius glaring at Snape, smashing up the moonstone extra vigorously.

"It's fine." I mouthed to him. He just shook his head and kept his glare. Lily's arm came out and snatched the container from him, shaking her head and scolding him about crushing it too finely would upset the balance. He said nothing.

"The horned slugs. They're still in the cabinet. Try to get them quickly."

I bit back a retort and walked to the cabinets, extracting the container of slimy horned slugs. This was the part of potions I despised, the bugs and animal product part. Something about dropping a living creature into a boiling pot made my stomach turn.

But I took two slugs and dropped them in the glass container I brought over.

"Hurry up." Snape's irritated voice said from our desk.

Doe caught my eye and smiled encouragingly. I smiled back wearily, and gave the slugs to Snape.

"Where are the porcupine quills?"

"Here." I said as politely as I could, thrusting the quills into his outstretched hand.

With a grimace, he took them from me and dropped them into the cauldron.

Suddenly, the potion started bubbling, and instead of turning a cool blue like the instructions said, it turned an angry fuschia pink.

"What happened?" I asked frantically.

Snape tore through the book, reading over the instructions again. "How many quills did you just give me?"

"Er... two. Two like the book said."

"Are you sure!"

"Yes, _Snape, _I can count." I retorted.

He glared at me. "It says that if the potion's turned pink, then we either put in the crushed nettle too early, or we put in one too many quills. And since we haven't even gotten the nettle yet, obviously it was your fault! You gave me three quills!"

"If I did, it was an accident! A bloody accident!"

"You probably did this to sabotage me!" He accused, sticking his grimy finger in my face. "You and Potter and Black probably planned this whole thing! I just need proof..."

"Something the matter boys?" Slughorn suddenly asked, arriving in front of our desk.

"Lupin here just ruined my potion. On purpose."

Slughorn looked down at me disapprovingly. "Is that true, Mr. Lupin?"

"No!" I insisted. "It was just an accident, I wouldn't have done it on purpose."

"Well, class is over." Slughorn said, glancing at the clock. Everyone around us started packing up and Vanishing the potions in their cauldrons. "Class, we'll start these again tomorrow. Hopefully someone will actually perform up to their potential."

Harsh. Slughorn was usually never that cold. This was the same man that held annual costume parties and drank cherry-flavored mead like it was pumpkin juice.

"As for you two, I suggest you actually make an effort to work together. I will not be switching partners." He said. "Go on, that's lunch."

Snape nodded, cleaning up the ingredients sitting around the cauldron. Slughorn smiled warmly down at him, and then looked at me strictly before disappearing into his office.

Without a word, I left the classroom.

And for the first time in a long time, I could agree with how James and Sirius treated him. He deserved it.

* * *

><p>(Sirius Black)<p>

"Remember, tonight we've got to get out there early. Moony broke the bed springs last night, and they're sharp. We'll have to clean that up as well." James muttered before letting go of my sleeve and walking away into the courtyard.

I nodded after him, and returned to my route back to the dorms. Tonight was going to be another full moon. Last month's was particularly brutal, Remus seemed angrier in wolf form than usual, even after he got out of the shack and had space to roam around. I predicted tonight would be no different.

Something about him has been off lately, and not just because Snape was using every opportunity during potions to torture him. And of course, being the polite bloke Remus was, he just took it. Without any fight.

"Well, well. Look who it is." Out of nowhere, Snivellus appeared, with (you guessed it!) my brother, Bella, her boyfriend, Rodolphus and Avery and Mulciber. "Black."

"Don't call him that." Snapped Bella, grimacing at Avery. "He is not worthy of that title."

"Oh yes." I said, looking straight into her muddy brown eyes. "It must eat you up inside that a filthy blood traitor like me is part of the prestigious Black family."

"You're not a Black, you never will be." Bella hissed through her teeth. "Regulus here has made up for your abomination and disappointment."

Reg steps forward, face long and pale, hair slicked back, looking into my face with no emotion.

"Oh Bella, I meant to ask, how is Andy doing these days?" I asked casually.

Bellatrix's face stops stonily, before melting into an angry grimace. "Andromeda is no longer part of the family, therefore, I do not know how she is." She said.

In a split second, all six of the Slytherins' wands are out.

"Six on one? Impressive." I said, silently hoping my voice didn't waver. It's no secret Bella knows spells, and isn't afraid to use Unforgivables. And seeing as my wand is deep in my robe pocket and any movement will make them hex, I stay still.

"Snape." Avery says, putting his wand back in his robes. I let out a silent breath. "He's yours."

The rest of them do the same. Rodolphus slings his arm around Bellatrix's shoulder, and the two walked off with Avery and Mulciber trailing behind. Regulus looked back for a split second, but then hurried after the group.

I ignored the pang that hits my chest.

Snape grinned toothily at me, but put his wand back in his robes.

"Not going to hex me Snivelly?" I asked, and his grin vanished. "Don't have the balls for it?"

"I assure you, if I so chose, I could perform spells that could leave you bleeding out on this corridor in a second." He said.

"Why don't you go back to your dank, dark cave and leave the rest of us alone?"

"You are the one who is subhuman, bullying those smaller than you, like a giant manticore!" He suddenly yelled, his slimy voice cracking.

"Anyone who got hexed by me obviously deserved it." I said through my teeth.

"How does it feel to lose your brother to the dark side?" He asked, deadly calm and slow.

My muscles tensed and I had the urge to beat the shit out of him.

"A little tip of advice, maybe you should invest in a product, yeah, it's called _shampoo_. Try it, maybe then you won't resemble a greasy, pimply arse." I spat.

"Your brother is loyal to the Dark Lord, as opposed to you, a complete embarrassment and disgrace to the name of Black." He continued.

"What about you Snivelly? Parading around like you're pure, wonder what they'd say if they knew of your muggle father."

"I have proven myself, have proven that I am an asset to the Dark Lord and his cause." He said haughtily.

"Yes, yes, you're very important." I mocked.

He stepped towards me, eyes cold and black. "In the next year the Dark Lord will rise. And when he does, I will make sure that everyone that has ever tortured me, you and Potter and Lupin and Pettigrew, and those whores of the Gryffindor house... they will be _punished__._"

I didn't need this. I didn't want to fucking deal with Snivelly and his greasy hair and Slytherin green robes and his... just... his _face_. I didn't need this.

My wand sprung from it's place within my robes. What hex should he endure? Boyles? Stinging? Maybe a good Levicorpus?

"Oh no, I'm not going to hex you Black." He sneered, wand still somewhere in his shabby robes. "Instead, I'm going to figure out what it is you and _Potter _and your band of croonies do every full moon, and I'm going to get _proof_, and you will be immediately expelled-"

He stands there, like he's the fucking king of the world. He's got to be put in his place.

"You want proof? There's a knot at the base of the Womping Willow. If you touch it, the whole tree will freeze. That's where I will be spending tonight, as it will be a full moon." I said, anger coursing through my veins.

Whipping around and moving down the hallway, I left Snivellus standing there, mouth set into a tight line.

There. Let him come to the Shack tonight. I'm sure he won't feel so tall cowering from a full-grown werewolf now, will he?

I hope he shits himself.

* * *

><p>(Marlene McKinnon)<p>

I turned over in bed, kicking the sheets out from under me. I hadn't been sleeping well, and the strange fluctuation of the temperature in the dorm obviously wasn't helping.

I reached out blindly, hoping to grab the book sitting on my night table.

Not finding it, I sat up angrily. I suddenly remembered I'd left it downstairs on the side table next to the fire.

Throwing off my blankets and sliding into my slippers, I quietly opened the thick wooden door of the room and started down the steps.

There Sirius was, standing in the common room.

I was about to run back upstairs, but he'd definitely seen me. Well, this was going to be awkward.

Swallowing my pride, I walked down the rest of the stairs and into the room. Leaning over the back of the couch to grab my book, I didn't look at him until right then.

Something was wrong. His eyes looked crazed and sad and angry all at the same time. His clothes were covered in dirt, and there was a giant smudge on his cheek, and leaves thread through his wavy black hair. His breathing was erratic and loud, and he looked at me like he was searching for answers.

"What?" I asked breathlessly.

"I fucked up." He whispered. "Marley, I fucked up really bad."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** HI again! Now that I'm on a writing kick and I've got absolutely nothing to do for these few days, I've been writing like crazy! The next update will be soon (though probably not tomorrow lol)

And yeah, I wanted to tie in the canon prank that happened in Sixth year for the Marauders (at least I'm 90% sure it was in sixth year. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, that would be a pretty huge mistake). I hope people enjoyed this chapter!

Review please my lovely lovelies!


	16. Bonds, Apologies, and Popping Buttons

**The Bond Was Broken**

(Sirius Black)

It really makes you think about how many times you've gotten in trouble when the portraits on the wall know you so well. By name, particularly.

"Oh dear Merlin Black, what catastrophe have you managed to cause now?" A previous headmaster in black dress robes asked, peering down at me sternly. I glared back at him. "You've been a bad influence, creating problems left and right -"

"Aragon, let the boy speak!" A portrait who I think is supposed to be the old Headmaster Everard.

The portrait of my great-great-grandfather Phineas Nigellus grunted loudly before leaning forward on his seat. "Of course, here he is again. Tarnishing the Black reputation further, I presume."

I stood in front of the large desk, waiting for Dumbledore to return. Last I heard James took Snape to the hospital wing, and Remus would be almost done the transformation back to human now. I wondered whether he remembered anything.

The smell of blood and sweat still clung to me, and I vaguely realized my pants had been torn near the bottom from where the Willow struck me. My hair felt itchy and I powerfully needed a shower. Rocking back on my toes, I glanced around at everything in the office.

"Well, boy? Care to explain yourself?"

The door suddenly opened and Dumbledore stepped inside, McGonagall quick on his heels, in her nightgown. At any other time it would have been the most hilarious sight in the world, but I couldn't even bring myself to chuckle. Her face looked frantic, while Dumbledore just looked sad.

"Would you like to explain what took place here tonight?"

_The wind was just starting to warm for April, with a light breeze blowing. I crouched with James and Peter as we watched Madame Pomphrey make her way back from the Willow to the castle. We were already mildly dirty from earlier exploration of the area James had wanted us to go tonight. I had dirt caking my pants and definitely some on my face. That was the same routine every full moon night. We had just rose from our hiding spot when another figure came into view, tip toeing across the grass._

_"Who's that?" Peter whispered urgently._

_I suddenly remembered how I had baited Snape earlier, and I held James back. "It's Snivellus. And he's about to get the fright of his lifetime!"_

_"Why do you say that? The moon's not up yet and there's no way he'll be able to get past the Willow." James said._

_Snape's figure disappeared over the hill, and in a moment the previously swinging branches of the Whomping Willow were stilled. _

_"He must have seen Pomphrey do it." Peter whispered, poking his head out from over James and I._

_"No, I told him." I said._

_James and Peter both looked at me abruptly. _

_"Why would you tell him that?" James asked._

_I smirked. "Well, think about Snivellus' face when he sees the real Moony. Priceless!"_

_James' jaw dropped. Suddenly, he closed it tightly and began running towards the Willow. I grabbed his arm, pulling him back._

_"What are you doing?"_

_"Saving him! And saving Moony! Can you imagine what would happen if it secret got out? Or if he did something to Snape?" James said urgently, before throwing off my grip and running to the Willow._

_"What does it matter?" I half-yelled after him. "It's just Snivellus!"_

_My gut squirmed as Peter eyed me. I slunk back into the shadow of the castle's left entrance. _

_Maybe it wasn't such a good idea. I had only thought of how it would effect Snape, never how Remus would be involved. I thought about how he'd moped for days after he'd broke James' arm one of those first transformation nights, how upset and apologetic he'd been. _

_Before I knew it, I saw James carrying an unconscious Snape up to the castle as the branches of the Willow started moving once more. It started to dawn on me that I had made a huge, irresponsible mistake that could have very well cost my best mate his freedom. If Snape was... if Snape was dead, or even extensively injured, Remus could be sent to Azkaban. _

_I tore off away from Peter, running aimlessly until I was into the common room. At that moment, I stopped and stood still in the center of the room. What was there to do? Where could I go? I could not force my body to do anything. Thoughts of Snape laying in a hospital bed the next morning across from Remus, calling in all authority figures and reporters from the Prophet, telling everyone how Remus was an animal and needed to be contained. And James, the look of utter contempt that was usually only thrown to Snape..._

_I felt like I was going to throw up. _

_Out of nowhere, Marlene entered silently. She leaned over and took something from the side table next to the couch, looking up at me._

_And she looked concernedly at me, with those big blue eyes, and asked in a hushed tone, "What?"_

_"I fucked up." I whispered. "Marley, I fucked up really bad."_

"Mr. Black are you aware that this could be considered attempted murder?" Dumbledore asked, tapping his fingers on the desk. McGonagall continued her prolonged angry stare.

"I didn't mean it like that." I pleaded. "I wasn't... I wasn't thinking."

"You exposed someone's darkest and most personal secret tonight, that someone being your best friend." Dumbledore said. "That is very serious, especially concerning the danger -"

"This is grounds for expulsion!" McGonagall said briskly behind him. Dumbledore held his hand up to silence her.

My heart raced. I couldn't be expelled, where would I go? I certainly couldn't go to James' house, I couldn't go to Grimmauld Place...

"Please Professor, I'll do anything, just don't expel me." I said, looking down at my hands. "I don't have anywhere to go."

Dumbledore's face softened.

"Your punishment will be detention until the end of the school year. And a required apology to Severus." Dumbledore said.

Apologizing to Snape would be a thousand times harder than any detention McGonagall could make me do, much worse than cleaning the trophy room with my toothbrush. Though my mind was finally dawning on how monumentally terrible the thing I had done was, the idea of groveling to Snivellus was against every cell in my body.

"Luckily, it looks like Severus is going to be alright." McGonagall said, pursing her lips. "We have spoken with him as he is now awake, and he will keep Mr. Lupin's condition a secret."

"I hope, in the future, you will do the same." Dumbledore concluded sadly, and then held his hand towards the door. It was my cue to exit, and I took it quickly, shutting the door behind me.

Marlene was standing at the entrance, and looked at me hopefully. I couldn't look at her, because after all that had happened, I had no idea if we were together anymore. And the feeling of total betrayal when she was flirting with Patrick O'Ryan was still fresh. I couldn't think about her right now.

I could feel her eyes heavily at my back as I walked away.

* * *

><p>It wasn't until two days later I managed to see James or Remus, which was strange in it of itself.<p>

I called after them as they were leaving the hospital wing, and both completely ignored me.

Frantically, I caught up with them and grabbed James' arm. "Hey, Prongs, Moony -"

"Don't talk to me." James barked, and I retracted my hand quickly, like I'd been burned. I'd never heard James talk like that to me.

I looked at Remus, who wouldn't meet my eyes. James took Remus' shoulder and pulled him along down the hallway.

He could have punched me in the gut and it would have hurt the same amount. James was my best mate, my one constant ally, my partner in crime, my brother. He'd always gone along with anything I'd said, and vice versa. It was because of him that I was a Gryffindor, and didn't end up sitting in the Slytherin common room practicing hexes and laughing racist jokes. When I'd run away from home and had nowhere to go, I'd gone to him.

And Remus, that shrimpy, scarred, bookish little kid that went along with anything the Marauders had decided to do, every prank, every heist, every escapade, every adventure. Without him, I couldn't have done anything. He was the one that talked me through things with Marlene and he was the reason I wasn't failing half of my classes.

It finally washed over me: I'd gone too far.

I'd betrayed my mate, and now I had to pay for it. The Marauders had a bond, and I'd broken it.

* * *

><p><strong>Truth <strong>

(Remus Lupin)

"Hello." A feminine, cautious voice says from above me. Setting down my novel that I was trying (in vain) to read, Lily sat down in the wood chair across the table from me. Madame Pince gave us a skeptical look, but summarily continued alphabetizing the stacks.

"Hi Lily."

She squirms for a moment. "Uh, how are you?"

"Great." I say, biting back the bitterness and sarcasm threatening to spill out of my mouth. The only thing she was guilty of is wanting to have a conversation.

Her brow knitted together, as if she was working out a complicated Arithmancy problem. "Remus... there's something I've got to ask you."

"What is it Lily?"

She opened her mouth, but then closed it again. "Are... well, maybe I'll wait. You seem to be... not in a fit state to -"

"Lily. _What is it_?" I asked, sounding more impatient than I meant to.

"We're good friends, right?"

I nodded.

She started wringing her hands, staring right over my left shoulder. I couldn't figure out why she wouldn't meet my eyes. I mean, I had an idea, I just hoped I was wrong.

Lily suddenly let out a deep breath, and steadied herself on the chair. "You're a werewolf."

A book fell off the corner of the table, but it sounded like it might as well have been miles away. Lily's eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth. I felt like I was about to vomit.

I flew up from my seat, knocking over the wooden chair and causing the attendance of the library to turn and stare at me.

"Remus, I'm sorry, I don't know what... well, I don't..." She spluttered, and pulled on my sleeve. "Don't leave, I'm sorry."

"Why do you think that?"

Her mouth opened and closed like a fish. "Did Dorcas tell you?"

"No! No! I wasn't sure, it's just that... well, Snape always had his theories, and I went to see him in the hospital wing..."

"Did he tell you?" I asked frantically. James, after recounting the events of the night, also mentioned that Snape had made a promise with Dumbledore that my lycanthropy would remain secret. James was skeptical, but I'd reasoned that if it was a promise with Dumbledore, than it would be imprudent for Snape to break it. Still...

"No." Lily said. "I'd had a hunch before, but last night all the pieces came fully together."

I sat back down slowly, setting my hand down on the wooden library table.

"Are you going to tell everyone now?" I asked angrily. "Tell everyone how much of a danger I am?"

Lily pursed her lips. "No. I was going to tell Dumbledore, but Severus told me he already knew."

I nodded. "Well, congratulations, you figured it out."

She let out a long sigh. "Can I ask you something else?"

I nodded again. "What else?"

"Did James really save Snape's life?" She asked in a small voice.

"That's what I heard. I was sort of out of it at the time." I said pointedly.

"Right, yes, of course." She said quietly, as she went back to wringing her hands.

"Please don't tell anybody else?" I said. "There are some people in the Wizarding World who think I should be permanently locked up or that I'll be a danger to the other students."

She squeezed my hand warmly. "I won't. I promise."

* * *

><p><strong>Apologies <strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

"Honestly, it's like McGonagall is acting like we're going to take our N.E.W.T.s tomorrow. I mean, they're _next year_. We have time."

"I'm terrified though. Don't they totally decide who you're going to be? What you're going to do for the rest of your life?"

"I think you're putting too much stock into a piece of parchment."

"Pretty bloody important piece of parchment, though, isn't it?" Benjy said, settling down on the grass.

He opened his bag and pulled out two apples.

"Smuggling food from breakfast? Merlin, Fenwick, you know how to treat a girl right." I said as he held one out for me.

As I took the apple, my eyes shifted over.

There were multiple faded pinkish lines that look like scars across his arm, disappearing up into his rolled up sleeve. They were all almost identical one right next to the other.

I grabbed on as he tried to retract his arm.

"Benjy?"

"What?" He asked nervously, giving another little tug to try to get his arm back.

"What's this?"

He coughed. "Nothing." He said, pulling back his arm and yanking down his sleeve.

"What is it?" I repeated.

"You're nosy as hell, you know that?" He said angrily.

I retracted away from him. His words hurt, even though those scars were obviously something personal and dark that he wasn't ready to share with me yet.

"Ok." I accepted, taking a bite of the apple.

Neither of us spoke for a long while until I had to move to get to Potions. He was so still as I left, if I didn't see that his eyes were open, I would have thought he was asleep. He didn't say anything to me as I left.

* * *

><p>I dropped my bag loudly on the floor and sat on my bed. I was tired and put down by the bad grade I'd received on the practice tests I'd taken for end of the year exams. Not to mention the fact that Marlene wasn't in class, and neither was Sirius. I wasn't blind, I could obviously tell something was seriously up with them since that time she was all over Patrick O'Ryan.<p>

She had been my best friend for years, after all.

I wished I could talk to her. As much as the recent supportive smiles Lily had been shooting me wherever I went (as well as the consistent concerned looks from Cas), I missed my Marlene. I wished I could tell her all about losing my virginity (which I should have been able to revel in when really all I wanted to do was to get the whole story off my chest), and about Benjy, and how we were really becoming good friends and I felt like he was a boy I wanted to get emotionally close to. And then I wished I could describe the scars on his arm that kept popping into my head.

How could he have gotten them? Maybe some freak accident as a kid or something? But then why wouldn't he just tell me that and then move on?

I wished I could get advice on why it was that I was so interested in him, and why I desperately wanted to know everything about him and for him to know everything about me. And how badly I wanted to talk to him, because we spoke in similar speech patterns and we got each other like that.

The sound of a door closing caused me to jump up.

"Sorry." Marlene said, walking over to her night table and shuffling around its drawer's contents.

Now was the time. I should take Benjy's advice, I should just apologize. If I waited too long, we would drift apart. And I hated that idea.

"Um, Marlene?" I called tentatively.

"What." She grunted, leaning further down and into the drawer.

"I wanted to talk."

Her back straightened, and she turned herself around on the bed. She looked at me expectantly and impatiently. "Well, what did you want to say?"

"Marlene, I wanted to apologize." Her fingers rose to massage her temples, and she looked down at her bedspread.

But I continued. "I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you. I was sort of... lost... for a while. And I didn't want to be told that. I was angry and confused and was... well, maybe I was looking for pain. I can't explain it. But I'm sorry about that, and for what I said about you. That's not true, I said it because I wanted to hurt you."

She still said nothing.

"And I miss you."

She finally looked up with a sad smile. "Mary, those things you said really got to me. You're my best friend, you're supposed to build me up and support me."

"I know, and I'm -"

"Sometimes sorry doesn't fix everything." She said tightly. I blanched.

"Marlene, we've been best friends for years! I'm truly sorry, please except my apology."

There was a long moment of silence that felt like it went on for eons. I studied her closely as she picked at a thread coming off the sheets. She had the face that she does when she's turning something over in her mind, seeing all the different angles. It's a rare expression, Marlene is not the type of person to think things through often. Already her sitting here with me feels better than the awkward avoidance game I'd been playing with her these past few weeks.

"You're right. I'm sorry too. And I accept your apology." She said.

I leaned over and hugged her tightly, relishing the fact that I had her back in my life.

"Good, because I've got so much I've got to talk to you about." I said into her hair.

"Me too. I've been in deep shit lately."

"You're telling me?" We both laughed.

We spent the afternoon together in the dorm while Lily and Dorcas were in the library just talking about the things we'd missed. I told her about what it was like... sex, I mean, and how I wish I hadn't done it because it just made me feel like shit and it hurt and it wasn't with someone I trusted. She told me about what happened with Sirius in the broom cupboard, and how she felt so angry at him that she'd gotten "revenge" and they weren't together anymore.

Then she told me about how Sirius had come to see her a couple nights ago, and how she couldn't really tell me the entire story, but he'd screwed over Remus and James in some way and now they weren't talking to him. He was, supposedly, really upset and she'd talked him through it.

"But are you guys together then?"

She shrugged. "I have no idea. To be honest, I didn't really talk all that much. I just listened to what he was saying and nodded. I think that's all he needed."

I nodded. "You should apologize to him. It sounds like he needs you."

"He needs you too." She said meaningfully, casting me a pointed look.

"Maybe." I said.

She glanced over at the clock. "Look, I've got to go, I'm meeting Gilderoy Lockhart about that memory charms essay we're doing."

"Ew, Gilderoy Lockhart? I mean, he's attractive, but he's arrogant and sort of dumb, yeah?"

"He's the best at memory charms in the class, even better than Lily." She said, pushing herself off the bed.

She smiled at me. "I'm glad we're ok now. I really missed you, you know?"

I smiled back. "Yeah, I do."

She left the room, and my thoughts turned to Benjy again. I knew I'd get a chance to eventually talk to Marlene about it, but now wasn't the time.

I just kept thinking about him. I wanted to see him constantly, I was feeling really clingy. I couldn't understand why, besides sharing some conversations and awkward sex-centered moments, I really didn't know him that well.

But I knew I wanted to.

* * *

><p><strong>Popping Buttons<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

"Now, see, all you've gotta do is concentrate specifically on that memory. Write that you've got to make sure you don't think of anything else. And add in that it won't work if you lose your concentration!" Gilderoy Lockhart said from behind my shoulder.

Merlin, if I wasn't completely daft with memory charms, you can bet I'd be anywhere but here. But today, even Gilderoy's overly-dramatic charm couldn't bother me. I'd just come from a much-needed long conversation with Mary. Though the words were still in my blood, I knew that she didn't really mean them. I knew what she had been going through, and I knew that it would be crazy to not make up, because she was such a good, old friend.

Gilderoy and I were currently in the empty charms classroom due to the fact that he'd charmed (no pun intended) Flitwick into letting us use it for the references.

He leaned down, reading what I'd wrote on the parchment in front of me. After finishing, he turned his head and promptly kissed me on the cheek.

He grinned what was supposedly a charming smile, and sauntered over to lean on the desk in front of me. "So, Marlene, enough about charms. I want to hear about _you._"

"Well, my name's Marlene McKinnon, I'm currently dangerously close to failing charms, and the only thing I need to do right now is finish this essay." I said before re-reading my last sentence.

Suddenly, I felt my school shirt pop all the way open. I shrieked and pulled it closed, but mysteriously all the buttons had gone!

"Oh, heavens, my apologies Marlene." Gilderoy said, rushing to my side. "I must have been concentrating a bit too... _hard..."_

I could not believe this was actually happening.

"Where are my shirt buttons, Lockhart?" I said through my teeth.

"They seem to have... vanished." He said calmly, as if trying to hide a smile. Arrogant git.

He stepped up next to me, taking my hands.

I pulled away and pulled my shirt closed, but he followed me, not saying a thing, but creepily standing behind me.

I turned around, and he closed his eyes and started leaning in towards me.

So I slapped him, making him yelp loudly.

I snatched the charms essay off the desk and opened the door, pulling my shirt closed.

I was one step out when I suddenly see Sirius standing a little down the hallway, mouth tightly closed and jaw clenched. I pulled my shirt closed instinctively.

Gilderoy took that opportunity to bound out of the room and put his arm around my waist, whereupon I pushed him away. When I turned back to where Sirius had been previously standing, his back was to me and he was walking away quickly.

"Sirius." I whispered in defeat. There was no way he was going to take me back now.

Not that I wanted him to. He didn't want me.

Yes. Right.

* * *

><p>The next day, I told Mary about what had happened. We'd agreed to have another little talk, much to the happiness of Lily and Dorcas. It was nice for everything to be transitioning back to a comfortable friendship between all of us. The year was coming to a close, and I don't think I could have handled it without<p>

"That bastard lowlife horndog! I'm going to kick his ass!"

"Believe me, you'll have to wait for me to go first." I said.

"So what are you going to do?" Mary asked firmly, thumbing through the magazine sitting on the bed in front of her.

"What's there to do? He doesn't want me, that all there is t –"

She suddenly grabbed both my shoulders firmly and turned me towards him. "Ow, fuck Mary that hurt!"

"Have you ever considered he stopped things for _your _benefit?" Mary asked me almost angrily. "And being a girl who's seen and experienced a really randy seventeen year old boy, I can tell you how difficult it can be to stop things."

"Then _why_ would he?"

"Merlin, you're thicker than I thought." She remarked, and I glared angrily at her. She started again. "Think about it! You were in a broom closet where he's brought _loads _of other girls –"

She gulped and tried to backtrack.

"No, no, sorry, that was terrible. But anyway, you're not another girl to him, and he obviously doesn't want to make you one. Seriously, he really cares a lot about you. Anyone can see that."

She dropped her hold on me. Her words started to sink into my head, and I felt worse by the second. How could I have been that blind? Plus the fact that now he thought I'd fucked Lockhart and he needed support right now, not more drama…Oh Merlin, why had I treated him that way? I'd jumped to conclusions, and now probably ruined everything.

"But what am I supposed to do?" I said, taking my hand out from behind my hands. "I… well, I –"

"You care about him, yeah?" Mary asked softly.

"Well…yeah. Yeah, yeah, I do." I spluttered. "I mean, Mary, of course, you know I do."

"Then talk to him after the match. Tell this to _him_."

She stood up straight, stretched her arms far above her head, and grunted as if she'd accomplished all she needed.

I stood up next to her and pulled her into a hug. "Thanks bitch."

She smiled broadly back at me.

I walked down to the common room, wringing my hands.

It's not like I've ever had a problem apologizing. In the old days, Lily and I used to get in fights constantly, and I was always the one to say sorry. It wasn't that.

But things with Sirius were different. He made me feel so fucking _vulnerable_. I didn't know what I would do if he didn't accept the apology.

When I finally stumbled through the portrait hole, he was nowhere in sight.

I ran quickly up the steps and busted through the door. He was sprawled out on his bed, looking through a worn copy of _Quidditch Through the Ages_. His head snapped up at the sound of the door slamming the wall after I knocked it open. His eyes hardened when he saw me, but then just melted into a look of uncertainty.

Suddenly, I didn't know what to say.

"Um…"

Speak Marlene! Speak!

"…Hi."

"Hi." He said. I watched him look back down at the book and swallow, as if holding back words.

"I'm… I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry, I didn't –"

"Look, I understand. We're obviously not…" He stopped. "I mean, you didn't have to listen to me bitch and moan, you have no obligation. I get it, you're moved on, that's fine."

"What are you talking about? I _chose _to be there for you, and I stick by that decision. And as for the thing with Lockhart, that wasn't what it looked like."

"Oh sure. You don't need to lie to me Marlene." He said, as if to say 'I don't need your pity'.

"Seriously." I insisted. "I didn't… _do _anything with Lockhart. It was a charm gone awry and all the buttons my shirt were vanished. Please believe me, Sirius, I wouldn't lie."

He shrugged passively, but I could feel him hurting. "It's fine. We're…" I thought I heard him gulp. "We're not together anymore, so…"

"I want to be together." I said bravely.

He took a deep breath. "You don't trust me." He said. My head screamed for me to say something, but I couldn't think of how to respond to that.

I felt my lip start to tremble.

"I'm sorry. Merlin, I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking… it's just that… I guess the thing Mary said before got into my head, and I let it."

"What'd she say?" He asked suddenly, looking at me.

"It's not important. Look, I care about you… so much it sort of scares me. And I was stupid and insecure and thick – and I'm sorry." I said, voice trembling.

His eyes softened. I stepped up next to him and sat tentatively on the bed, but he didn't protest.

"Tell me what's going on." He pleaded. "Please?"

"It's alright, just a couple days ago we talked it out, and we've made up." I said. "But I just want you to know that I'll always be here to support you. I want to support you."

We sat in silence for a while. I was ok with it, smelling his smell again and being next to him. After he'd told me what had happened, what with Remus being a werewolf (which was huge shock in itself that I had yet to revel in) and sending Snape to him because he was angry, I didn't know what to do. But I think it just helped that someone was there to listen to him. I realized I wanted to be that person.

"And I'm sorry for flirting with Patrick too." I said softly, hugging the bedpost.

I thought I heard him growl somewhere deep in his throat, and for some strange, perverse reason it sort of turned me on. How was it possible that I somehow dually hated being someone's object, but loved the fact that when we were together Sirius treated me like I was "his"?

Without thinking, I took a fistful of his shirt and pulled him to my lips.

He only kissed me for a minute, but the sensation of his lips on mine was so familiar and new all at the same time. He smelled every bit the same, and his light stubble scratched against my chin.

He pulled away, holding my shoulders.

"Marlene." Merlin, I couldn't handle it when he said my name. Not when we first met, not last year, not when he would call me in the hallway just to say hello, or when he would whisper it during classes and try to talk to me until McGonagall noticed, not when he would sigh my name against my neck when we were snogging, not ever. When he said it, he made it sound like the best name in the world. It was never said just like a word, not even like syllables. He said it with such weight.

"What?"

"This isn't a good idea."

I pulled back away from him, as if I'd been burned. Though I had, his words had hurt me. I'd put myself on the line, and he was refusing me.

"Please, _Sirius_." I said with pleading in my voice, hoping that he'd feel that special way about me saying his name, and that he could feel how much I wanted to be with him and how guilty I felt.

He swore under his breath for a moment, before looking up straight into my eyes, and pulling me back to him.

Our lips were together again, and I loved it. His hands cupped my cheeks as mine spanned his back. Merlin, I missed kissing him.

"What does this mean?" I asked him as his mouth descended down my face.

"I don't know." He said, before placing a kiss on my lower jaw. "I just know that I miss you, and I need you."

And right now, that was enough for me. I wasn't raised on fairytales, I didn't want him to coddle me if it wasn't the truth. And if he continued kissing me like he was, it was obvious he was going to be stuck with me for a long while.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Unintentionally, this turned out to be a strangely long chapter. But I hope that makes up for the time between the last update and this chapter! I've been busy lately and traveling (and... you know, being lazy) but I hope everyone enjoys this chapter. It's not a lot of action, lots of feelings and talk-y stuff. But again, I hope you enjoy that. Now Mary and Marlene have made up (yay!) and Sirius and Marlene have half-made-up (yay-ish!), so that's good, right?

Anyway, thank you for reading!

_**Please review!**_


	17. Spring, Parents, and Rescues

**Spring **

(Dorcas Meadows)

I walked across the courtyard slowly, taking a solitary moment to breathe deeply. May had just begun, bringing soft warm breezes and green leaves. With spring brings new beginnings. I always liked spring, especially back home. We used to have daffodils growing along the house out back, and I remember when I was young I would cry when winter started, because I was sad they died. My father used to just tell me that they were hiding somewhere warm, waiting out the cold so that they wouldn't get hurt. Then, when it got warm enough for them to be happy again, they would come back.

I took my hair down from the bun it was in, letting the gentle wind blow through it. I check my watch - I've still got ten minutes or so until afternoon classes, as I cut out at the end of lunch. Everything now is just a little too tense.

I feel a little guilty, leaving, but it makes me feel like I'm suffocating when I spend time with the Marauders now. Remus wouldn't tell me everything, but it was obvious that there was some sort of betrayal involving Sirius. And when I went to the hospital wing to visit him, as I did after every full moon, Snape was also bed ridden. With what looked like a broken leg, he regularly looked over at the two of us, seemingly seething.

But due to that, James refused to sit with Sirius anymore, and pulled Remus and Peter along with him. Though it had crossed my mind that Remus was the one who should be upset, not James, the reason for the dynamic was obvious. Remus was not the type of person who held grudges. He tried to swallow his problems and act like they weren't a big deal. While that did slightly infuriate me, he sometimes relied on his friends to be angry for him. Besides, if you hurt one of the Marauders, it's as if you hurt all of them. That's just how close they were.

And for the Marauders to be hurt from the inside... well, that just made it all the more awful.

Marlene, having refused to talk about Sirius with any of us, would sit across from him further down the table. Mary just shrugged and said she didn't think they were together anymore, but Marlene just felt the need to be his support. Lily said nothing.

She has been exceedingly quiet these days. I can't figure out why.

"Hello beautiful." Remus' voice said. I looked up from my seat, and his head blocks the sun. I sighed when I saw him, his face looked more weathered than usual, and although his greeting was light, the underlying tone was wounded.

I smiled, patting the empty seat on the bench next to me. He sat down, taking his hand in mine.

We don't speak for a while. The day is beautiful, but he is sad. I wish he would talk to me so badly, but I know trying to push him into it won't work well.

So I speak of happy things.

"Do you remember that first breakfast we had together? In the beginning of this year?"

He laughed weakly. "Yes, I remember. And after that, I tried to talk to you in the library."

I smiled, remembering how he offered to put my books away for me. Remus Lupin, always the polite bloke.

"And our first kiss." He said.

"And then that time when you attacked me in front of the entire bloody Quidditch team!"

He laughed a little stronger, a little more like himself. "Sirius wouldn't stop teasing me for weeks."

He abruptly stopped smiling, and swallowed thickly. I squeezed his hand a little tighter, and he looks at me blankly.

"It's ok to be upset." I said softly.

He exhales loudly. "I just don't understand. I don't understand why he did it. I mean, I know he's Sirius and he's reckless and doesn't think things through, but how could he think doing that would cause anything good? And the worst part is, I'm starting to think that he didn't care about how it would affect me, that he didn't care that he exposed me in the most cruel way possible."

I don't say anything. The breeze has turned a little chillier, and he has as well.

I squeeze his hand once more, and hope that he understands that I support him, even if I can't put anything into words. I'll always be there for him, and I want him to be there for me too.

* * *

><p><strong>Lonely<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

I watched Sirius shovel food into his mouth down the table, and I feel something painful in my chest. No one will tell me what happened, but for the Marauders to not sit together, talk, or even interact in any way, something serious had to have happened. I sit across from Dorcas, who is using one hand to eat. I know her and Remus are holding hands under the table, which just worsens my melancholy mood.

Call me selfish, but I can't help but be jealous of their relationship. They've been dating since basically the beginning of the year, and they've become a team. When one of them has a triumph, the other does too. And like now, when one of them is in trouble, the other is there too.

Not to mention the fact that even though Marlene and Sirius are not together anymore, she still sits silently across from him instead of with the rest of us.

I think I shouldn't be moping, because I've got three great best friends to be there for me. But I can't help feeling selfishly lonely.

After dinner, Marlene, Lily, and Cas started up the stairs. I was quickly behind them, until I felt someone tug on my wrist.

"Oh, hey Fenwick." I said casually, even though inside I'm really happy to see him.

He looked down. "Hey. I was hoping we could talk?"

I nodded, and with a glance from Marlene, I walked away with him.

He lead me out of the Great Hall, as the doors were open because it was a pleasant night, and onto the steps in front. I tugged my knees to my chest and looked at him expectantly.

He was sitting next to me, legs sprawled out in front of him, but he looked anything but comfortable.

I was about to say something myself when he finally sighed.

"I used to cut myself." He said. "My mother died when I was thirteen, and I self-harmed. No one knows about it."

I let the statement settle over me as I hear crickets chirping into the warm night. I couldn't believe that he would trust me enough to tell me. The fact that he did made my heart feel fuzzy. Then, the fact that he'd lost his mother and that he'd actually ended up hurting himself made my stomach curl sadly.

When I looked back at him, his eyes were shut tightly. A painful expression adorned his face, and I felt uncomfortably terrible. "You don't have to say anymore –"

"I want to." He interrupted strongly, so I bit my lip. "You've been honest with me, about everything, and I feel like I _can_ tell you this."

The warmth of his words washed through my body. I almost felt like I was going to cry.

He trusted me. He told me something so personal... so painful. The strong connection I was feeling to him was neither rational or right, but it made me feel a hell of a lot less lonely. And maybe I made him feel that way too.

He took a deep breath, and started playing with the fraying edges of his bag strap.

"My mother had a strange wizard disease, sort of like an advanced version of splattergroit. She got it while I was at Hogwarts, and her and my dad mostly kept my brother and I out of it. But one day I was called to the Headmasters office, and she was gone."

His face looked pained, I had to sit on my hands to stop myself from touching him, just to try to make him smile again. I tried to imagine what that would have been like. Out of the blue, your mother was just... gone. With no warning.

"My… my brother took it alright. He's graduated now, working at the Ministry. I think he dealt with things by getting into as much trouble as he could to distract himself. He was drunk constantly and never wanted to talk to me. But I couldn't do that, she was such a big part of my heart…"

I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped. What was I supposed to say? Here I'd been complaining that I had two mothers, when he didn't have any at all.

And this boy, this sweet and kind boy had to go through losing his mother, with no one to turn to. He had every right to yell, scream, and be horrible and guarded and _broken_.

But he wasn't.

"And I cut. It was the only sort of pain I could control. It was how I dealt with it. I haven't done it in years, but the scars are still there." He said, pulling up his sleeve.

Less than a dozen straight pinkish scars lined his wrist and forearm.

My finger lightly traced the scars, despite me telling myself that I needed to take my hand away. They were soft, tender, like he was showing me what was under his shell.

"Things were worse at home, with my dad. He barely spoke anymore, just padded around the house, like some kind of confused corpse. He took it worse than any of us, I think." Benjy said.

"I'm sorry." I said automatically.

"_You didn't kill her._" He said coldly. I winced. He exhaled loudly. "I just… fucking hate that word. _Sorry_. It's what everyone says when they find out."

"_I know_. I'm s –" I stopped. I couldn't think of what to say, so I decided to say nothing at all. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close, like he'd done to me when I was upset.

"I've never told anyone." He whispered. I felt his warm arms clutch me back.

"I love that you trust me, because I trust you, Fenwick." I whispered back into his ear. I could feel him smile as I pulled him closer against me.

He abruptly pulled out of our embrace, looking away down the hill. I watched him practically gulp, but then look back at me seriously.

"Besides wanting to be honest, I told you this for a reason. I know you're upset with your parents for not telling you about your birth mother and father. I know you feel betrayed. But they are still the man and woman that raised you and supported you from when you were a baby."

I breathed out slowly, willing myself not to cry. The truth was, I knew he was right. And somewhere deep down, I'd missed them. When I'd run away that one day, half of myself yearned to go back. Maybe go back to when I didn't know.

But I couldn't. I couldn't undo the past, no matter how much I wished.

"Please Mac. Write them. You won't be able to be ok if you don't." Benjy said quietly, before taking my hand and standing up.

I followed him back inside in silence, as the murmur of students still leftover from dinner sounded around us.

Maybe I should write them.

* * *

><p>(Marlene McKinnon)<p>

I trudged back to my dormitory after taking multiple circles around the hallway. Something in me felt antsy, like I didn't want to sit still or do anything.

Everything about everything just felt completely _blah _lately. Especially with Sirius.

I wanted to bang my head against a wall. He was driving me fucking _crazy. _After kissing me, he hadn't spoken to me in almost a week. Which was pretty hard, because I sat across from him for every meal. I longed to kiss him again, for everything to go back to normal, for me to realize what I had and not take it for granted.

Merlin, he made me so mad sometimes! Though I knew I would never leave him, even for a meal. He was broken right now, and maybe it was selfish of me to want him to think about us. But dammit, I just wanted to be there for him! And he wasn't letting me.

When I entered the dorm, Lily was nowhere to be found, nor was Dorcas. The only occupant of the room was Mary, who was sitting at the desk staring at a blank piece of parchment.

"You look like how I feel right now." She said, turning around and smiling at me supportively. I shrugged, pulling off my shoes and dropping my bag.

I pulled my hair up into a half-falling out bun, but I didn't care. Collapsing on my bed, I let my feet dangle off the edge, and find myself falling asleep.

* * *

><p><strong>A Rescue<strong>

(Sirius Black)

James approached me in the hallway, books still in hand after our last class of the day. His face was blank, but I was happy he was going to talk to me. He'd managed to avoid every attempt I made of talking to him, as had Remus, which was a little impressive due to the fact that we live together.

"Hey, Prongs." I said.

James ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit. Why was he nervous?

Then he looked coldly at me. "I just wanted to inform you that I will not see you tonight."

Oh. Right, tonight was the full moon. "Why's that?" I asked, my voice sounding whiney in my own ears.

"You can not be trusted anymore." James said simply, in the most detached voice I'd ever heard.

I said nothing, couldn't say anything. My throat was dry and a lump in my throat grew. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a few people glancing over to us. Must be strange, seeing the infamous Potter and Black not joking around together. Instead, they saw only hurt and confusion.

He said nothing else, but walked away quickly.

* * *

><p>The sun went down as I sat, folded up sitting on the windowsill in the common room. The sky was still a lit dark blue, past sunset. I knew it would be about an hour before everything started.<p>

It was the first time since fifth year that I was not a canine on a full moon. My foot tapped against the wall quickly, I could not bear to sit still. I felt sick, like I was going to puke. I sat there, motionless, until the stars came out and the night became black.

I wondered if James and Peter could handle Remus by themselves. Peter couldn't do much, being that he was a rat in animal form. And although James was larger, he only used his antlers on Remus when in a dire situation. Besides that, he wanted to cause as little damage as he could. And usually, to spare that, I'd distract him. As we were both canines, we would run after each other, I'd play a game with him to keep him calm.

I jumped up, physically unable to stop myself. I found my feet leading me through the deserted Hogwarts halls toward the exit.

The night air hit my face as I left the castle, with shaky hands. I shouldn't be here.

But I had to be. Just in case anything happened. Just in case.

Not sure what to do, I paced for what felt like a long time. The moon rose from behind the clouds, somewhere far away, I heard a howl.

So I sat down on the ground. Everything was probably fine. I knew they wouldn't come this close to the castle, because we never did. Too much of a risk for no reward.

After a while of just sitting there, I told myself to just go inside. I would not see them, and James had told me I wasn't welcome. Sitting out in the dark would get me nothing.

I stood, brushing myself off from the grass, before I heard a pained howl, and then growling. I froze.

Before I knew it, the sound came closer. I'd heard that noise only once before, when Moony had been injured and provoked to fight. Something was wrong.

On instinct, I transformed into Padfoot and took off after the sound. The woods were lighter than the winter nights as spring was beginning, and I jumped over roots quickly in pursuit of Moony, Prongs, and Wormtail.

I kept running until I saw silhouettes in a clearing, a stag standing with it's antlers pressed against the werewolf. Moony's paw came out quickly, and it swiped across the stag.

Prongs fell hard, and the werewolf stood, staring over the injured mammal, sniffing deeply. I barked once, drawing it's attention to me. With a look, I started running towards the direction where I knew the Shrieking Shack was. Moony, fortunately recognizing me, followed. I didn't know where Peter was - all I knew was that I had to get Moony away from Prongs. I didn't know how he was doing, but before I went back I had to contain Moony.

The canine instincts in me made me thinking clear, which was lucky because parts of my human self were freaking out about James' obviously deep cuts from Moony's paws.

The branches of the Womping Willow were still frozen, so I jumped down the hole. Drawing him slowly into the Shrieking Shack once more, I waited until he had entered the room until I moved back and shut the door behind me quickly, transforming in an instant and locking the door.

Taking a minute to slow my breathing, Moony's enraged howls could be heard from inside. The door was sturdy, but his constant pushing on the door made me nervous.

I took off again, this time as a human, running back to the place where I knew Prongs would be. It took a little bit, but when I finally got there, Peter was standing over James and looking nervously around.

When he saw me, he didn't ask any questions. He's never been very good in high-pressure situations, so mostly he just looked relieved to see me.

"Moony was going to close to the school, so Prongs tried to stop him -" Peter explained quickly, wringing his hands. I stooped down to look at James. Now also being in human form, his eyes were barely focused. His shirt and skin on his chest had been ripped in claw marks, blood staining the material around them. "- but that just made him angry. I didn't know what to do."

"Help me pick him up." I ordered, and Peter jumped to help. I picked him up, putting his arms around my shoulders and taking his feet off the ground. His breathing was labored.

Making my way as fast as we could, Peter and I left the forrest. I'd never been so happy to see the castle. We were almost there before I heard James croak, "I thought I told you not to come."

I swallowed, but kept walking, "And if I hadn't, where would you be?"

He said nothing else. We took him up to hospital wing. Usually, to be safe, we treat ourselves or each other. If we kept showing up to Madame Pomfrey with so many injuries every full moon, she'd be suspicious. But I knew the only way James would be alright is if we handed him over.

Upon our arrival, Madame Pomfrey jumps up from her station, where she had been refilling potion bottles.

"My word, what has happened?" She whispered urgently, leading us over to an empty bed. James hisses when we put him down, but quickly he leans his head back on the bed and closes his eyes.

"He fell out of bed." Peter said quickly. I roll my eyes, there was a reason why James always thought of the excuses.

She looked at him incredulously.

"Please, just go boys." She said, started to take off James' shirt without touching the wound. "It's much too late, but I must talk to you in the morning."

Taking the opportunity, Peter and I dashed out of there.

He said nothing as the two of us went back to the Gryffindor chambers, even as we get into our room. He just got into bed and pulls his curtain shut.

My head was pounding, and I was asleep as soon as my face hit the pillow.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **OMG I UPDATED! haha I know it probably wasn't actually that long but it felt like forever to me. My updates for this story have been slower than my others just because I've been working on it for a while and sometimes I just don't feel inspired to write it.

BUT I did finish this chapter and am half way done through the next one, so hopefully that one will be out sooner.

Anyway, some people are saying that the prank was fifth year and some are saying that it was sixth. So, yeah. I guess if it's fifth year than this is sort of AU, but I don't think it was.

I love you all, especially those who are sticking with me through this. And again, thanks to all that review. It's sort of weird, reading the first chapters. I feel like my writing has matured considerably, which is kind of cool.

**_Please review! I love you!_**


	18. Support, Fights, Love, and A Drink

**Support**

(Mary MacDonald)

I sighed, staring at another blank piece of parchment. I'd attempted to do this times before, but I just couldn't seem to actually write. I looked out the window of the dormitory idly, taking in the green leaves on the trees outside as the sun hit them, and the breeze making them shake.

I took a breath. Stop being a little bitch Mary. Just do it.

So I picked up my quill.

_Dear Mum and -_

I crumpled up the parchment in my hand throwing it under the desk. Along with it, there were about a dozen other attempts. I didn't know why this was so hard for me - they were just... my parents.

They were my parents.

I wrote again.

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_In my life, there are so many questions that I don't know the answers to. There's so little I know about myself anymore. About where I came from._

_I'm no longer a child. Whatever it is, I can handle it. To be honest, I need to handle it. I need to know._

_Please. Tell me the truth. What happened?_

_- Mary_

Without another thought, I sealed it in an envelope and took off toward the owlry. I got only halfway there before I started walking slowly, second guessing.

They wouldn't reply. What if they did reply? What would they say? Would they tell me anything, or just keep me in the dark? Were they so appalled by my behavior that they would tell me that if I asked about it again, they would disown me? What if they actually told me? What if the truth was terrible?

I could just imagine my mum coming home from a jog, seeing a telltale owl sitting on our porch ledge (even though she's a muggle, her and my dad have learned to expect owls carrying mail). And she'd wipe the sweat off her forehead, taking the envelope inside. My dad would look at her curiously - and she's say, "It's from Mary."

That's where my assumption ends. I close my eyes, and stop walking completely.

What if I hurt them? I'd never considered that.

I'm so selfish. I'd run away, basically told them that even though they'd helped me grow up - gave me home, clothes, food - and loved me, that that didn't matter. Maybe there was a reason they didn't tell me.

My head span. I couldn't move. What if they were angry with me? All this time, I'd been seeing them as evil, not telling me the truth, liars, not trusting me. But what if they knew that the information would destroy me? What if they knew how it would send me snowballing a string of issues, problems, and fights?

"Mary?" Lily's voice asked. I opened my eyes.

The hallway was full now, and Lily stood beside me, adjusting her books against her chest. "Are you ok?"

"Um... I need..."

"What? What's wrong?"

"I just need to see someone." I said. She still looked confused, and I just squeezed her shoulder and smiled as much as I could. I started down the hallway. I started to think - where would he be?

Maybe in his dorm? Maybe...?

I'd only gotten a few steps when Patrick O'Ryan came up in front of me.

I looked up to see him smiling what I'm sure he would think of as charmingly. "Well hello Miss Mary! What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

I realized I had already been on the west side of the fifth floor - close to where the Ravenclaw dorms were.

"Um, is there any chance you know where Benjy is?"

Patrick looked at me up and down, looking a little puzzled. Then, Benjy stepped out from behind him, quickly in front of Patrick. "Hey, Mac."

"Hey, I need to talk to you." I said. Patrick was looking surprised behind Benjy.

"Yeah, sure." He said, smiling. Patrick quickly clapped him on the back and muttered, 'nice'. Benjy's face became cold for a moment, and he did not acknowledge Patrick's words. Instead, he took my hand and led me down the spiral staircase and away from the Ravenclaws. "What's the matter?"

I held out the addressed envelope to him. "I wrote them."

He looked at it for a long pause, before asking, "Are you going to send it?"

"Yes. No. Maybe, I don't know. I was going to - I got halfway there before I just..." I stopped. "I couldn't."

"Why not?" He asked, but it sounded genuinely concerned and not patronizing at all. I liked this tone of his voice, it made it get softer.

I leaned up against the stone Hogwarts wall and closed my eyes. "What if they don't reply?"

"And that's what's stopping you?"

"Not just that... I just needed a little support."

He looked at me, and smiled. "Well, I'm here."

And he took my hand in his, pulling me along the route to the owlry. Just having his hand in mine made me feel more sure about sending the letter. As we got there, and he took the letter from my hands.

"Which one is your owl?" He asked. The tower was full of hooting owls, of all shapes and sizes and colors. I, myself, didn't really fancy the birds too much, so I stayed away from most of them.

"I usually just use any one that will take it, I don't have one myself." I said. He made his way over to a large barn owl, but just looked back at me. "The address is already on it, it's ok -"

"Look, Mac, you don't have to do this."

"What do you mean?"

He sighed, staring at his shoes. "I realized yesterday I was... I don't know, maybe you thought I was using my pain about my mum to make you reconnect with yours. And that wasn't my intention. So if you're just doing this because I -"

"That's not why I'm doing this." I said. "Really. I'm doing this because you were right, and you made me realize that."

He nodded. "Ok."

He quickly attached the letter to the owl's talon, setting it off out the window. The owl spread it's wings, and I watched it until it flew out of eyeshot.

* * *

><p>Through the day, I kept thinking about the letter. About when they would receive it.<p>

From far away, I spotted Sirius sitting on the ledge next to the stained glass window at the edge of the hall. I stopped.

Maybe I should talk to him. I knew he was hurting, and maybe we could talk. Maybe we could actually have a friendship. Maybe I could help...

Before I knew what I was doing, I was in front of him.

"Hi."

He looked up, hair flopping in front of his face. That was daunting enough, for anyone that knows Sirius Black knows that his hair is always effortless wavy and swooping, never messy-looking.

"Hello Mary." He said, his voice sounding exhausted.

I climbed up next to him on the ledge, pulling my legs under me.

"Do you need anything?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No, I just wanted to talk."

He snorted. "About _what?_"

"Nothing!" I exclaimed. "I just wanted to talk to you, god forbid."

"Sorry." He said, deadpan. But I wasn't leaving. I was going to talk to him, and we were going to be ok. I needed to start getting my life back on track, and this was something I wanted.

"So, sorry about whatever happened between you and your friends." I said.

He looked at me angrily, jaw tensing, hard. "You don't know what you're talking about, so just be quiet."

"Maybe you could explain it to me?"

"What, after not talking to me for months, you suddenly want to have some sort of heart-to-heart?" He asked venomously. He looked at me challengingly.

"Yes." I said honestly. "Yeah, I did."

"Well, you're not going to get one." He said, with a tone of finality.

I stared at him expectantly, hoping that if I stayed for long enough, he would talk. If he was going to be stubborn, then so was I. It took what felt like forever before he finally exclaimed, "What?!"

"I want to talk to you." I repeated. "How are things with Marlene?"

"No."

"What about with your brother?"

"No."

"What about school?"

"No."

"What about... well..." I stopped. He looked triumphantly at me, before turning his vision back to the clear piece in the stained glass picture.

He sat up straighter suddenly, exclaiming, "I'll be damned." He pressed his nose against the glass, craning his neck down.

"What?" I asked.

He looked for another moment, before saying, "Lily and James are sitting on the grass together."

"You've got to be kidding." I said, laughing a little. He shrugged.

"See for yourself."

I leaned over, looking awkwardly down and to the right. Sure enough, my best friend's red head and James' messy black one were next to each other on the ground below, seemingly laughing about something.

Sirius jumped off the ledge, taking off down the hallway. But I let him leave.

Wow. So that's where Lily was.

What was happening?!

* * *

><p><strong>Finally A Fight<strong>

(Sirius Black)

I stood next to the couch in the common room, where James was flipping through a Quidditch magazine.

"So, when did you start dating Evans?" I asked.

"What?!" He exclaimed, turning around quickly. He looked at me for a moment, before turning back to his magazine, trying his best to look unperturbed.

"I saw you two, laughing it up on the lawn today. Congrats, mate."

"We're not dating." He said flatly, flipping a page.

I kept standing there. Maybe I should try Mary's strategy, just stand next to someone until they were forced to talk to me. Maybe it would be easier if James yelled at me, instead of this cold shunning behavior.

"Are you going to forgive me anytime soon?" I finally asked.

He squeezed his eyes shut, looking extremely annoyed. "Thank you for taking me to the hospital wing that night. I am grateful for that. But that does not change things."

"Well then what the hell will!?" I yell. There are other people in the common room, but only a few, and when they hear me yell they scurry up the staircase.

James whips around, throwing the magazine across the room. "When I feel like I can look at your sorry arse and not want to kick it!"

"Prongs, _I'm sorry. _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. I've tried to apologize to Moony, but you keep pulling him away! And I'm apologizing now!"

He grimaced. "You're just saying that because I'm angry. I know you Sirius, you believe you've done nothing wrong. You're not actually sorry, you just want everything back to normal."

"It was supposed to be a joke, but -"

"YOU BETRAYED US!" James yelled, his fists balling up. "You betrayed Peter's trust, you betrayed mine, but most importantly, you betrayed _Remus'. _You exposed his deepest, darkest secret to an _enemy. _Do you know how that felt!?"

"I know!" I shout back. I feel a lump rising in my throat, but I don't want to cry. "I know what I did! And I'm sorry!"

Before I realized it, James' fist collided with my face. I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my nose, and I was on the floor. I looked up at James. He looked ill.

And then he left the common room, leaving me with a nose streaming blood. I felt a tear escape the corner of my eye, but I rubbed it away quickly.

* * *

><p><strong>Love<strong>

(Dorcas Meadows)

It had been a while since I'd been up in the boy's dormitories, which I suppose is a good thing (because it makes me sound classy). Actually, the last time I had been up there was when I went a little mad and basically threw myself at Remus. I laugh inwardly, remembering how awkward I'd felt after.

Remus, as of now, had been sitting on the desk chair, his head on his book, passed out. He'd wanted me to help him with his essay, and I had, but after a while I told him I'd wanted to grab something from my room. By the time I got back, he'd been out cold.

He'd been under so much stress lately, I didn't have the heart to wake him up. But I didn't really want to leave either, because no one was in the dorm yet, and I didn't want him to be alone for some reason.

I wanted to be there for him, with him, forever. And it dawned on me just how serious everything is. How much I've come to care for him, maybe even love him.

Yes, I did.

I loved him.

I looked at the boy next to me, face squashed unattractively against the open textbook, making me giggle. How he could manage to fall asleep while still sitting up astounds me. His hair was slightly obscuring his face, and he breathed deeply.

He was beautiful.

And I loved him. I loved his sandy hair, his deep brown eyes, his rumbling laugh. His thirst for knowledge, his scars, his big hands, his comfy sweaters, his nervous habit of picking at his cuticles when he's nervous. The way he was so unwaveringly kind, without even a second thought. The fact that he had so much pain in his life, so much unavoidable pain, yet he still gets up every morning. I loved how he makes me feel special and amazingly extraordinary, not like the boring Dorcas that everyone always saw me as.

And I could just picture us graduating Hogwarts. He'd become a teacher, and I'd become a healer at St. Mungo's, and we'd settle down in a house with a white picket fence and a green lawn, and raise a family together. He'd be such a great father.

I stood up, closing the book that had been sitting open on my stomach. I lifted his head a little, slipping a pillow under the book. He was a remarkably heavy sleeper, and he only shifted a little before becoming still again.

I leaned in, kissing his cheek softly.

"I love you, Remus Lupin." I whispered in his ear, before leaving the dorm to get some sleep.

* * *

><p>I walked back from lunch, feeling calm. The next Hogsmeade weekend is soon, and I know Remus and I are going to go to the bookstore again. Lily said hello to me quickly, but then took off in the other direction. I haven't been seeing much of her lately, something that sort of confuses me. Who else would she be with?<p>

Suddenly, a Slytherin named Avery blocked my path. I looked up at him expectantly, but he sneered at me.

"Well well, if it isn't another little lion who lost her way." He said in a hard voice. I gritted my teeth, but still said nothing. I tried to side step him, but he just blocked me. "Hey. I wasn't finished talking yet. It's very rude to leave a conversation before someone is done."

"Let me by." I said firmly. Just behind him, I saw a few of his friends watching us.

I was so confused. This was the first time a Slytherin had ever picked on me, and it was out of nowhere. Tensions between Gryffindor and Slytherin always existed, but this was just unnecessarily hostile.

"You can't order me around like that, little girl." Avery said, touching my arm with the back of his palm. "I'll be the one ordering you around, mmmm."

His hand slowly crept up to my face, brushing my cheek. My breath caught, what was he _doing? _We'd never spoke. What the hell was happening?

I slapped his hand down angrily, but he caught it and held it so tightly he was crushing it. "I wouldn't do that if I were you. You couldn't even dream of the kind of hexes I could throw."

And suddenly, something inside me sparked. He thought he could do this to me? That I wouldn't be able to fight back?

All at once, I ripped my wand out of my robe pocket and shot a hex at him, but it wasn't very strong. He only stumbled backwards. It had been the first time I'd actually used a hex on a person.

When he recovered, he looked at me with a cruel fire in his eyes. "You fucking bitch. You think you, with your squib father, can do that to me?!"

And then I snapped. I pointed my wand at him and shot another hex, but this time he blocked it. Suddenly, I was blocking all kinds of spells he shot at me, every second.

Somewhere that sounded like far off, I heard someone yell my name.

Frazzled, I remembered the nonverbal spells I'd learned in Defense earlier this year. Only in theory. But I needed them now.

So I pointed my wand at him, summoning every ounce of anger and hate in my body, and shot him three times with three blasts of light.

I opened my eyes, and he was laying on the ground.

I looked around. There was a crowd surrounding us, all staring at me in disbelief. Remus stood in the front, his mouth set in a line, looking at me with concern.

But all I could think about was his words. About my father. About me. I walked over to where he lay on the ground, looking dumbfounded.

"Don't underestimate me again, Avery. That would be unwise." I said calmly, putting my wand back in my robe pocket.

Moving past Remus, I left the crowd.

There had been more than a few hallway fights this year, but I'd only seen a few. But now I'd been in one. I bit my lip, hard, pushing his hateful words out of my mind, still feeling anger. Then, another feeling settled into my bones: Guilt.

* * *

><p><strong>Maybe A Drink<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

"You! You - Dorcas Meadowes - Are my fucking hero!" James had yelled, throwing his arm around her neck.

She smiled, but it didn't seem to be genuine. Word about her beating the shit out of Avery had circulated around the school, and while everyone was coming up and congratulating in the halls, she didn't seem to proud of it.

The fact that she - being physically weaker and smaller - beat Avery in a duel was one remarkable thing in itself. The fact that she felt genuinely bad after was completely another.

Because she was brave and strong and maybe a little reckless. But she had a kind heart.

She laid across the couch arm. She looked light and soft and innocently gorgeous, staring blankly at the floor. She'd stayed in the common room with me all night.

She said it was alright, because she'd been meaning to get some reading done, even though I knew she'd finished the book she had a week ago. She had kept me company simply because she knew I didn't want to be alone, especially after I'd heard all that had happened the last full moon from Peter.

"I love you." I said suddenly. Her head tilted up, and her eyes met mine.

And then, exuberantly, she jumped on me, pressing her lips to my cheeks and then my lips. She threw her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly.

"I love you too." She whispered in my ear.

* * *

><p>When I went back to my dormitory that night, I felt like I was floating on air. The prettiest girl in the world loved me.<p>

Huh.

But when I got there, I found James, slumped up against the foot of his bed, a half-drunk firewhiskey bottle in his right hand and the map in the other. Peter had still been studying last I saw him, and I had no idea where Sirius was.

"Hey, Moony." James said with a frown.

I sat down next to James, grabbing the bottle, and taking a good swig.

"Hey, hey, hey!" James protested, taking back the bottle.

We sat in the darkened room, silent, drinking. James suddenly said, "So I hit Sirius yesterday."

"Where?"

"In the common room. I think I might have broken his nose."

"Why?"

"Dunno. I was angry. Thought it would make me feel better."

"And did it?"

He sighed. "No."

"Well."

"Yeah."

He drank some more, before extracting another bottle from under his bed. It was a while before the door opened, a figure standing in the light of the doorway.

It was Sirius. He stared at the both of us, and we stared at him.

The entire thing felt surreal. If anyone would have been drinking on a weekday, it was Sirius. And whenever we drank, he was always there, getting drunk along with us.

But as Sirius passed us, James slowly held up the bottle.

Sirius eyes it confusedly, but James motioned for him to take it.

So Sirius did, drinking only a sip, and giving it back to him.

James looked at him incredulously, and Sirius somehow understood. He sat down next to James, but not too close, and took back the bottle.

I'd always been a little jealous of how they understood each other that well. They had been destined to be brothers since the beginning. The best mates. But right now I just felt relieved.

Because maybe it was just a drink. Maybe there were no apologies traded, just silence. But maybe things were beginning to be reconciled.

I took another drink.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hi guys! So hey, I updated again! I'm planning this story to end when the year ends, which means in total this will be about 23 chapters, including an epilogue. Which is cool. Also, i think I'm going to finish almost exactly around the time when I started this, which will be in October.

Hope everyone reading this is good, school is going to start tomorrow. Since I have fairly large chunks of the chapters written, school won't really interfere with the story.

again, thanks to everyone who reviews. You make my day.

lol also when did all my chapter names turn so sappy and gross? "Support", "Love" like what? who am I

* * *

><p><em><strong>Please review!<strong>_


	19. Normality, Spandex, and Being Ok

**Normality Returns?**

(Marlene McKinnon)

There was no announcement or explanation, or anything to really draw on. But for some reason, when I entered the Great Hall that day with Lily, Sirius was back to sitting in his normal seat. He was talking animatedly to Remus, who was calmly picking at his sandwich and smiling at Sirius indulgently. Everything seemed normal.

Mary stared at them, shrugged, and then made her way over to an empty spot on the bench. I joined her cautiously, eyeing James' smiling face. It wasn't just because Lily was sitting next to him, which had been happening a lot more often now. It seemed that James had forgiven him for the betrayal.

I took a pastry off the platter, raising my eyebrows at Lily's laughter. She was laughing along with James amicably. Why was everyone so happy this morning?

"So a party?" Lily said skeptically.

"Well don't act so surprised, of course we're having one." James said. "To end the year."

"I hope you know, McGonagall still hasn't forgotten the last one you threw for James' birthday."

Lily visibly stiffened, but then just took another bite of her breakfast. Mary's expression gave no sign of recollection, and James didn't seem to remember either.

"This one is going to be the biggest. Think about it, what have we got to lose? There's only a few more weeks left in the year, and after that we won't see each other for months!" Sirius chimed in, his smiling and planning self.

I felt a little miffed. Sirius was back to acting happy, so he didn't need me anymore?

He didn't look my way all through breakfast. When we all dispersed, I tore after him as he left the Great Hall.

"I'm glad you guys made up." I said, falling into step next to him.

He looked to his left. "Yeah."

He started walking a little faster, moving around the corner. I fought through the crowd to keep up with him, feeling more and more angry.

Finally, I exploded. "What the hell Sirius?"

"Pardon?" He asked, looking to both his sides as if he was making sure I was talking to him.

"What's the matter? I said I was sorry. Then you kissed me. Then you didn't talk to me for a week even though I sat with you for every meal. And now you're brushing me off? What the hell."

His face was hard, cold, set. I missed him.

I was tired of our game. The game where we take turns hurting each other, hurting ourselves, hurting the people around us. Full of harsh words and angry kisses. I just wanted him, holding me in his bed in the sun filled room after the party. He had known something was wrong, and for the first time he'd tried to be there for me. But I'd pushed him away, and the game continued.

I was broken, he was broken, but maybe we could make each other whole.

He moved towards me quickly, his hands pulling my hips to him, and kissed me. The familiar yet exciting feel of his lips on mine made my body quake. I knew there were people on all sides of us, but I didn't care. He was kissing me again.

He pulled away, touching my cheek with the tips of his fingers. I straightened the collar of his school shirt idly, not wanting to stop touching him.

The hallway was steadily emptying out, but he just looked at me.

"I hurt you again, didn't I?"

I nodded. "I hurt you too. We're very good at that."

He sighed, before hooking his arm around my hip and leading me toward our next class. "Well I'm sorry... you know, for everything. Thanks for sticking with me through that."

I smiled. "Your welcome."

Because maybe we were still us and maybe that meant more hurt in the future, but getting hurt by him was a thousand times better than being loved by anyone else.

* * *

><p><strong>Spandex<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

Lily kept asking why I had been spending time with Benjy so much lately, to which I just shot back the same question 'why are you hanging out with James?' and she stopped asking.

He's funny. I like talking to him because he can make me laugh, but then again he's so powerfully serious and dark all at the same time.

He really did confuse me.

He bit into an apple, his favorite fruit, looking up at the trees.

"Nice to see the green leaves are back." He said casually. The shade filtering in through makes a design of sunlight on his face.

"I dunno, I kind of liked the barren, black leafless trees of winter." I said.

He laughed. "It's a metaphor, of course."

"Absolutely." I said. "Because you see, just as the season gets cold, _so do our hearts and minds_."

He rolled his eyes. "You have really got to stop with the metaphors."

I laughed loudly, smacking him in the shoulder. "Ok, so maybe I wasn't being serious with that one. But _come on, _I would think a writer like you would appreciate my constant metaphors and analogies and such."

"Shut up. I'm no writer."

"Ok mister scribble-everything-down-in-that-blasted-black-notebook-of-yours."

"But nothing's ever good. Good enough to show anyone."

"You won't let anyone read bloody anything in it, so how would you know?"

He shrugged. "Sometimes, I think when I get out of here, I want to start writing a book."

I pushed myself up onto my elbows, following his gaze up to the treetops. When I was younger, I was a big tree climber. But I hadn't climbed a tree since I was eleven.

"What would it be about?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"It should be about us. Yeah, we could be like... like a crime-fighting duo. Keeping the Wizarding World safe." I said excitedly. Benjy looks at me blankly, but I know he's just trying not to smile. I plow on. "And we would have matching outfits!"

"I am not wearing spandex."

I laughed loudly at the mental image of Benjy trying to put on a spandex unitard. I sit up, and move a little closer to him.

"Come ooooon Fenwick. It won't be right otherwise."

"No Mac." He said firmly.

I scooted closer to him.

"Come on."

"No."

Closer.

"Fenwick."

"No chance."

Closer.

"Please?"

And then I notice that I'm right up next to him, our shoulders touching. He smells nice, like fresh laundry and sunshine. I cut my eyes at him, but his seriousness is not a joke anymore.

I wanted to kiss him.

Yes - really badly.

He'd probably be a really tender kisser. Like, sweet.

I shake my head at myself, angrily. You are not a whore anymore. You do not involve yourself with the male species. That is a sign of despair, a setback. I thought I was past all of that.

I would not kiss Benjy. I would not think about kissing him either.

I couldn't.

I rolled away from him, and up into a sitting position.

"Benjy Fenwick, I hereby announce that our friendship is officially over."

"Because I won't wear spandex!?"

"Precisely."

He pouted at me, crossing his arms across his chest and laying petulantly flat on his back. "Well, fine. If, when we graduate, we become a crime-fighting duo, I will wear spandex."

I punched his shoulder lightly, grinning again.

* * *

><p><strong>Being OK<strong>

(Sirius Black)

"Black, pass me that jar over there, not the tinted one, the clear one."

I leaned over, depositing the jar of what looked like toad eyes into Lily's awaiting hands. She leaned over our caldron, stirring twice clockwise and twice counter clockwise.

I looked back at Marlene, who was chopping something up. She met my eyes for a moment, smiling secretly, and continued her chopping.

I exhaled loudly, sitting back with my arms behind my head.

Things were finally good. After Prongs finally got out his anger at me and then we all got drunk together, things had worked out. I was glad to have my best mates back again.

Them and my girl.

"I'm not going to do all of this myself." Lily's voice came crashing down. I stood up lazily, looking into the cauldron. It looked a peachy orange color, which I assumed was right.

"Well, what am I supposed to do?"

Lily stared at me incredulously. "Had you been paying attention at all, you would know that we now have to let it sit for exactly ten minutes, and then add moonstone before taking it off the heat."

"See, I don't have to do anything right now!" I said, sitting back down.

Lily's back stiffened, but she stayed standing looking into the cauldron.

"So since when have you and Prongs been shagging?"

She whipped around was at my throat so fast I barely blinked. "What are you talking about?"

I knew that would rile her up. I laughed.

"Nothing, nothing, just the fact that you two seem to be spending quite a lot of time together recently." I said, staring out the window nonchalantly.

Lily retracted, looking a little panicked. "I'm helping him with charms." She said, as if that ended the conversation.

"So you two are mates?"

The corner of her mouth twitched, before she moved away from me and stared back to our potion, which was now emitting a hissing sound. I though she should be worried, but if she wasn't then it must have been right.

"Yeah, I guess." She said quietly, smiling into the cauldron.

* * *

><p>We win our last Quidditch game by a landslide, making everyone eager to relax in the common room. The rain pounded on the windows outside. It was packed, full of food and butterbeer and smiles. The firewhiskey gets passed out sometime after it goes dark, and everyone is obviously getting a little smashed. I jump next to Marlene, who was laying on the couch with Mary drunkenly laughing. Prongs sat next to Mary, taking a sip from the bottle before plunking it back down on the table.<p>

"Ugh, this rain is making everything smell like a wet dog." Mary said.

Prongs eyed me, laughing. I rolled my eyes at him, but laughed too.

"Shut up Mary, you h-hate dogs." Marlene said loudly, grabbing the bottle's neck and leaning it on her stomach. "Remember that time that big black dog started following us?"

"Oh yeah. It really liked you."

Prongs stared at me for a minute in disbelief before exploding in laughter, making me kick him in the shin.

"It was a r-really adorable dog though." She leaned into me, resting her chin on my chest. "His e-eyes kinda looked like yours."

She pulled my face toward hers and kissed me thoroughly with Mary saying "ugh gross!" and Prongs laughing his arse off in the background.

I picked her up off the couch and walked her out of the common room saying, "Ok Marlene, time for bed."

She started kissing my ear, whispering, "Can't I sleep in your bed tonight?"

I brought her up to the boys dormitory, because I remembered I couldn't get her into hers. She jumped away from me and into my bed, pulling the covers up over her face. She said, "Mmmmm they smell like you."

I laughed, and laid next to her on top of the covers, pulling the bed curtains around us.

She curled up next to me, hair fanning out over my chest. It reminded me powerfully of the time she fell asleep on me in the common room at the beginning of the year. I smiled, remembering how she blushed after and ran out.

"Next year is going to be scary." Her voice whispered. "Say we're going to be ok."

I kissed the top of her head. "We're going to be ok." I said.

* * *

><p><strong>A Night Remembered<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

"Go, go, go, go!" James hissed in my ear as I darted out across the hallway. My three best mates followed closely as we jumped from shadow to shadow.

James, in a fit of teenage crisis, insisted we go on our last Hogsmeade visit of the year. We'd already gone on one the very same day, but each with our dates (James' wasn't official, of course, just spending time "goofing around" with Lily). It had been great - Doe and I had spent the entire day reading under a large shady tree and kissing every so often.

But James said that there needed to be a last _real Marauders _visit to Hogsmeade, which was precisely why we were running through the darkened corridors to the one-eyed witch statue.

James had also, for reasons unknown, said that it would be like old times if we didn't use the cloak. It was a blessing, sort of, because the four of us couldn't comfortably fit under that fabric, and it led to a lot of stepping on feet.

We ascended the stairs into Honeydukes, the back room being silent and dark. Creeping up the stairs, we unlocked the front door from the inside and walked out.

The streets of Hogsmeade were dark save lights in some of the upper rooms above shops. The Three Broomsticks was still open, so Sirius said we should go there.

"Rosemerta will just send us all back!" Wormtail said, catching up with the three of us. "She knows we're not allowed to be out here!"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "It's just Rosie. She'll make a big fuss about how we could get her in trouble but then let us sit and serve us. It's fine."

* * *

><p>That was a night I'll always remember. The Three Broomsticks had only been full with the really seedy crowd that stays long after even the regulars leave.<p>

Sirius and James had downed their drinks (and three more) and had started jumping up on the table and singing loudly and off-key, and the whole bar joined them. Rosemerta had threatened to call in Aurors if they didn't shut up, but James and Sirius had only laughed and kept singing. The drinks were flowing, laughter was all around, and the warm night air breezing through made everyone just a little happier.

I laughed, and raised my glass to them. However, when they tried to make me get up on the table, I politely declined (as much as one could with the two of them). I still have _some _morals.

I wished I could hold onto this night forever. Me, no stress, no schoolwork, no worries. Just my best mates and I, having a laugh and a drink, for maybe the last time in a while.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hey everyone! So I updated yay.

Thanks again to everyone reviewing this, I read every one. You make my day:)

And yes, both Mary and Benjy know about spandex-wearing super heros because they're both muggleborns.

Hope people like this chapter, even though it's sort of short and mostly fluff. I just wanted everyone to be happy for a little since it feels like all I've done is make my characters angsty. The next chapter is longer and has more plot stuff, and should be out fairly soon.****

* * *

><p><strong><em>Please review!<em>**


	20. Exam Questions and Real Life Answers

WARNING WARNING WARNING! SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER! Sorry for the people who don't like it, but this story is rated M. it's not even that bad, so whatever. but if you want to skip it, it's called "Covered in Leather and Smoke" from Marlene's POV (and it's not intense BSDM as the title suggests lol). i just know how some people get upset...

ugh never mind just read this chapter sorry

* * *

><p><strong>Answers<strong>

(Mary MacDonald)

There were crepes for breakfast. I had mine with strawberries, blueberries, and bananas, with caramel zig-zagged across the top. That was the only unusual thing about the morning.

Everyone sat, ate, drank, talked hazily through still-husky morning voices. The owls flew in, formation in a pack, dropping letters to their recipients.

I didn't look up. I didn't see the barn owl searching for me in the Hall. I didn't see the letter it held in its talons until it almost fell straight in my delicious caramelized breakfast.

My hands shook a little as I run my finger over the closed seal of the cream envelope. 'Mary' was written across it in my father's choppy script.

I glance around at my Gryffindors, but none of them seem to pay my mail much attention. I can't open it now.

I slip the letter into my robe pocket, digging back into my food.

* * *

><p>"Ouch." I exclaimed to myself as I pulled my black hair through a hair tie, messily getting my hair into a high ponytail. It was hot inside the dorm, even with only one of its residents inside. I moved to the rusty window, leaning my elbows on the sill and pushing it up, letting a warm early-summer breeze blow through the room.<p>

I leaned against the wall next to the window, staring at the letter that was staring back at me from the foot of my bed. I gritted my teeth, but couldn't find the will to move.

It was such a stupid idea to write them. Did they even tell me anything? Did I even want to know?

Hurriedly, I dug into my bag, pulling out the frayed box of cigarettes from the bottom of it. Holding it between my lips, I pointed my wand to the end of it. "_Incendio._"

Smoke filled my lungs. I felt guilty, but I shook it away. I breathed out, letting the white smoke curl into the atmosphere, catching the breeze and blowing back out the open window.

I cracked my knuckles. Ok.

I opened the seal in one rip, pulling out the letter, ink leaking through to the back of the piece of paper. He always had the habit of pressing too hard when he wrote.

I take a deep breath, holding the lit cigarette in one hand as I sat down against the wall, letting my eyes take in the words on the page.

_Mary,_

_It was wonderful to hear from you, dear. Your mother and I were so worried when you'd left, and even with Dumbledore sending us word that you had returned to Hogwarts, it was reassuring to hear from you directly._

_To begin, I hope you understand things from our side. _

_Your mother and I were not blessed with children, though we desperately wanted to make our family from two to three. I work in the town records office, and one day a woman came in holding a baby. She asked if this was the place that held the birth certificate for a baby named Ivy Sherwick. It was indeed._

_I gave it to her, after getting identification that she was the mother. She stared at it for a long time, just standing there. I asked her if anything was wrong, but she didn't answer. Only blinked._

_The next moment she was thrusting the baby into my hands and repeating "I can't." The next moment, she was gone from the office. The birth certificate in front of me said her name was Adelaide Sherwick, the father was named Orion Black. _

_She did not return, nor ever get in touch with me again. _

_I'm not proud of what I did. But I brought the baby home, and your mother and I decided that it was a gift, a blessing, we finally had a child. We changed the baby's name to Mary and raised her as our daughter._

_There are differences between us. Your mother and I are simple people, but you are a thinker. You're darker, more ambitious. But we love you, and you are fully and completely our daughter. We've watched you grow up into a passionate, intelligent young woman. _

_Please understand, we didn't want to hurt you with this information. It was scary, so much of the past is dark and seldom called on. When this was, we panicked. We didn't want you to think any less of us, or more importantly, yourself._

_We both apologize for keeping you in the dark._

_After you complete sixth year, come home, Mary. We miss you._

_Love always, _

_Dad_

Tears dropped on the word "love", smearing it. I quickly rubbed back tears from my cheeks, letting my head rest against the wall.

Why was I so selfish? I'd hurt them. Who cared if I was born from someone else? Who cared if they had light brown hair and I had black? They were my parents. And I'd forgotten that.

I stumbled over to my desk, taking out a fresh piece of parchment and a quill, and began to write.

* * *

><p><strong>Exams<strong>

(Remus Lupin)

_The proper incantation to produce water:_

I quickly wrote "Aguamenti" on the line below, flicking a piece of hair out of my face. I stole a glance at Doe, sitting a few desks to the right of me. She looked up the same time as I did, giving me an encouraging smile, and then went back to her test.

The charms test was the final last exam we had to take, and that made for a pretty antsy feeling in the room.

I finished up the test as slow as I could make myself go, with only a bit more attention than I would give a passing butterfly. School was of importance to me, being that it was a privilege to even be here in the first place. Dumbledore had given depressed, anxious eleven year old me a spot in Hogwarts. I'd been petrified, knowing that I had this condition and if they found out they would never let me in, but Dumbledore had (and has) accommodated for me. I needed to keep up good grades because I had no excuse, and I wanted to take full advantage of my opportunity.

However, I knew Charms inside and out. And with the sunlight shining though the large windows and the nice day outside calling my name, I felt restless.

When the test finally ended, it was like a mad dash outside. Doe quickly fought her way through the crowd and took hold of my hand. Across the room, I saw Sirius and Marlene talking with James leaning on the nearest desk, talking to Mary and Lily. Everyone is smiling, except for a few people who look seriously disturbed about the test that they just took.

Doe and I walked outside, the sun was directly overhead. Everyone from all the grades have migrated outside after testing. Kids play, throwing quaffles back and forth to each other.

We walked along the lake slowly, Doe picking flowers along the way. Mostly daisies, she said they're her favorite flowers. I held her hand.

"How'd you think you did?" I asked her.

She grinned. "Pretty well, I think. Lily and I studied hard for Charms, and I knew all the answers. You?"

I shrugged. "I think so too."

She laughed, and her fingers came up to touch my cheek gingerly. "You got a new scar." She said sadly, her smile drooping.

I moved away from her, continuing the path next to the lake. "Yeah."

"I'm sorry, I just worry about you, that's all." She said, grasping my hand and catching up with me.

I sighed. "I know. Sorry."

We walked in silence. Birds chirped albeit cheerily from the tops of the trees and we rounded the bend of the lake, stepping on a few large, black, smooth stones where the path broke.

"I'm nervous about going home." She told me.

"Me too."

"I'm almost... I'm afraid." She replied in a small voice, stooping down to collect another flower. "To see my dad. And not my mom. He must be heartbroken, and... I'm just scared of what I might find."

"I'm afraid of being around my mum when... well, on those nights." I said. "James and Sirius sometimes manage to be there, but sometimes not... and she just has this look on her face every time I leave to go into the woods behind our house. She always waits up for me, and insists on cleaning my wounds after... it just hurts."

She squeezed my hand tightly, pressing her head to my shoulder as we reached the end of the path.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." She whispered in my ear, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

I swallowed thickly. We'd only said it a couple times, but I didn't think I'd ever get used to the sound of it.

"I love you too." I said, staring out at the stones cutting through the lake's surface.

* * *

><p><strong>Covered in Leather and Smoke<strong>

(Marlene McKinnon)

Exams were finally over, and it was like a giant weight was lifted off my shoulders. Even though Sirius and I had made up almost a week ago, we'd had almost no time to talk since then because of an enormous amount of schoolwork.

Until I totally ambushed him on the way to dinner and dragged him back to the common room.

It felt like my body physically missed him. Every time he came 'round there was never enough time, and those two weeks we'd been in a row had taken an _intense_ tow on my willpower.

"Marley, what are you doing?"

I grabbed him by his uniform collar and pulled him towards my lips. His tongue grazed my upper lip, and I devoured his mouth with mine.

More, more, more of him. He bit down on my bottom lip, and I instinctively pressed myself into him.

His hands were hot on my face. I practically ripped all the buttons off his shirt, and he almost gasped in surprise.

"Fuck, Marley, try not to be so randy, will you?" He smirked at me, taking my lips again with his. His hands rested on my hips, but from our slight motion my shirt rode up and his fingers grazed my hot skin. He pulled back suddenly, and gulped.

He kissed me hard on the mouth, hands squeezing my hips. Fuck, we'd snogged so much, but every time it seemed to be different. I fisted his hair and he backed me up so I was leaning against the wall.

He knew how much I loved that.

His hands traced patterns on my sides, and I tugged harder on his hair. He pressed his body against mine, and I was trapped between him and the wall.

I lightly grind into him with my hips. A grunt escapes his lips, and I kissed him to shut him up.

I grind into him again, harder this time, and _Merlin_ it feels amazing.

He pulled away from my mouth. He's breathing hard, and his lips are swollen from me kissing him so hard. He's looking at the floor, hands still on my hips "Fuck Marley, you've got to stop doing that." he muttered.

"Oh." I replied with a smirk "You mean… this?" I said as I grinded harder into him and he couldn't contain the moan this time.

"_Marley_, we –" He starts, but I grind into him again. "Fuck." he muttered under his breath. He grabbed my thighs and picked me up so he could carry me.

He stumbled through the dark into his room and I drop down onto the bed. Luckily, He jumped on top of me. My hands somehow found their way to the back of his neck, basically forcing him to keep kissing me.

The skin on the back of his neck is rough, and I can't help thinking _like a man's_. My school shirt has ridden up a bit and my stomach is now exposed. The his button-down dress shirt rubs against it.

I started to tug at the hem of his shirt, but he won't take his hands off my hips.

I pull away from him and basically rip open his shirt, so fast he looks surprised that it's off.

He goes back to kissing me, and we both moan at the skin-to-skin contact. His muscled stomach was creating friction against my soft stomach. His skin was fire, and I craved more of it.

"_Marley._" He breathes, and I love the way my name sounds on his lips. His gray eyes are darker, and he's staring a hole through me. I pull away and I smirk as I reach for the bottom of my shirt.

My fingers are shaky, I'm suddenly a little nervous. This is the first time we've gone past anything but heavy snogging and maybe some grinding.

But I am a Gryffindor. And I want this. I wouldn't be deterred.

I take my shirt off completely, silently thanking Merlin that I thought to put on a nice lace bra before pouncing on him that night.

He looks at me and raised an eyebrow.

I climbed back on top of him, shoving my chest against his. Both our breaths catch, there's no other feeling in the world that can rival that.

I pushed his face into my neck, and he kisses my neck, letting his hands ghost up and down my bare sides. He kisses down my chest, down to dangerous territory.

And he kisses every part of my upper half, and dammit, he's fucking _good_. He had me moaning like a total slag.

He kissed down my stomach, making it retract nervously. Was he…

He came back up.

"What?" He asked.

"You can't _tease _me like that." I said, kissing him hard and biting on his lower lip as I pulled away. I stood up off the bed, and without a second thought, dropped my shorts.

He leaned back on his bed, staring at me with wide eyes.

He mumbled something incoherent, and I put my hands on my hips. "Ok, now it's your turn. It's only fair."

With a devilish grin, he stood and dropped his shorts as well. We stood, across from each other, staring at our underwear-clad bodies. I felt his eyes rake over my body, making shivers abundant on my spine.

I pulled him back onto the bed, and on top of me. With a curl of his fingers, he slowly pulled down my underwear.

"Sirius… fuck, oh – Sirius…"

A string of nonsense words flooded out of my mouth as I rocked my body on his fingers. He whispered words too, into my hair, breath hot on my ear.

Oh Merlin fucking hell how was he doing that?

All I wanted was him. Him, more and more of him, pressed against me. As our skin touched, tiny shots of sparks seemed to come off our bodies.

With some awkward maneuvering and quiet laughter, he pushed inside of me.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah." I choked out, pulling his lips to mine. I felt stretched, a little sore pain, but nothing else.

And he moves against me. Carnally, completely brutally physically. My stomach was curling steadily like a thunderous wave. And I was his, and he was mine, and every molecule of him was touching me. His voice, in the form of incoherent muttering, swam in the darkness.

I heard his low groans next to me, and stared right into his gray eyes. I tried to look at him as long as I could but when he thrust deeper into me I couldn't keep them open.

I squeezed them shut and my head dug into the pillow.

I think I might have screamed.

After, breathing hard, I pulled Sirius back to me, pressing his lips to mine tiredly. A light sheen of sweat covered his bare chest. When I pulled away, I whispered, "That was bloody great."

He only grinned.

I glared at him. "If you say anything cocky right now I swear –"

"Cocky?" He said incredulously.

I shook my head at him, rolling my eyes. But I pulled his big hand against my cheek, and pushed myself closer next to him. He surrounded me, wrapping his arms around my body, arms folded across my stomach.

"Though next time it's going to be even _better._" He whispered arrogantly in my ear.

I smirked. "Who said there was going to be a next time?"

He snorted. "Don't even joke woman, now that we're together again, I intend to completely kidnap you and keep you in my mancave. And hey, we've got to do something to stay warm."

I laughed. "It's May!" But I scooted closer to him, pushing myself flush against his body.

I shut my eyes. The night was warm, and Sirius pulled the curtains closed around his bed.

It was just be and him, in the quiet. I leaned my head on his strong shoulder, my hair fanning out on the pillow under my head. I took a deep breath.

I felt like I was covered in leather and cigarette smoke and _Sirius. _And I wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hey everyone! Hope you've all been well, I just finished this chapter and I'm feeling pretty great. Thanks again to everyone that reviews, as we get closer to the end of the story I'm getting sadder about it ending! As things look now, I don't think there's going to be a sequel or be continued into seventh year. The story I mean to tell ends after the Epilogue (although the Epilogue is set during seventh year, so technically I am... I don't know). But anyway, THANK YOU EVERYONE!

* * *

><p><strong><em>Please review!<em>**


	21. Changes, Attachments, and Superheros

**Changes**

(Dorcas Meadowes)

The night was warm and still, and quiet.

I'm not sure how it happened. No one told anyone we were all going to meet here, everyone just came. But a bunch of people from our class wound up sneaking out to the lake, and then here we all were. Peter sat on a rock by the edge, with James a few paces away from him, poking Lily with his elbow when she wouldn't sit with him. Mary and Benjy Fenwick stood at the foot of the lake, his hands in his back pockets, laughing. She smiled too, nudging him with her shoulder. Marlene and Sirius were far away from the crowd in the dark.

Every spoke in hushed tones, some drinking lazily.

It was one of those moments that belonged in a book, a spontaneous get together of good friends.

I felt completely calm. Exams were over, classes weren't even really teaching anything anymore. Jumpers and coats were exchanged for wearing nothing but the bare minimum of the school uniform. The only thing I wasn't looking forward to was going home and being away from Remus.

My head was on his chest as we sat leaning against the beech tree. We'd stolen a bit away from the group in attempts to be alone.

"What do you think you'll be when you grow up?" My voice sounds juvenile.

He laughed a little. "Dunno. James and Sirius are convinced they'll be Aurors. I think maybe I might do that too."

"I want to be a healer." I say back to him.

"I think you'd be great at that." He said into my hair, pressing his lips to the top of my head briefly. I stare out at the abstract lights in the sky, stars far far away from us.

"Did you expect this year to turn out like it did?"

He snorted. "Not in the least. Did you?"

"No." I said. "But I'm glad it did."

"Me too."

"Next year's going to be really different, won't it?" I asked him.

"Stressful. What with N.E.W.T.s and all." He replied.

"That's not what I meant." I said gently. "I just mean... it feels like the world is changing."

I felt him tilt his head up to the sky.

"That's because it is." He said quietly. "There's no stopping it."

He's right, of course. You'd have to be blind not to see it. But I wasn't quite sure I was ready to deal with all the darkness that started eating at the corners of my life. So I hugged him tighter to me, tried to remember where I was.

"Don't ever let me go, ok?" I whispered to him, rubbing his arm with my fingertips.

His voice is serious and strong. "I never will."

I turned around and kissed him. It was just a peck, then another, then we started snogging. His hands pulled at my lower back, making me fall into him. His scent enveloped me, and I scratched the back of his shirt lightly as I pulled him closer to me as well.

And my heart jumps and all I want is Remus, forever and ever.

He loves me. And I love him.

Suddenly, I knew exactly what I needed.

Unlatching my lips from his, I said breathlessly, "All the Gryffindor sixth years are here."

"Yeah." He said quickly, before pulling me into another kiss.

I pulled away, looking at him pointedly. "So the dorm's empty, right?"

He shrugged. "S'pose."

"Remus." I said, widening my eyes. He didn't take the hint.

"What?"

"The _dorm _is _empty._"

There was a pause, before he audibly gulped. "Oh. Oh, yeah?"

I stood up, his hand still in mine, and walked towards the door inside. He walked right at my heels, stopping every few feet to kiss my hand.

* * *

><p><strong><strong>Girl Superhero<strong>**

(Mary MacDonald)

Light shines through the trees, making natural patterns over my face, neck, and arms. I stare up at the sun through the trees, smiling back at the clear atmosphere. It's unusually warm for Hogwarts, and I love it.

I idly touch the braid in my hair. It's been a while since I've done anything to my hair. It makes me smile.

I walked down a little ways away from the castle along the lake, to where the forest started.

And he was there, sure enough, just closing up his black notebook and holding a red apple in his hand.

"Benjy!" I called.

"Hey Mac." He replied. He tossed an apple up in the air and caught it with one hand, grinning when he took a bite.

I rolled my eyes, but then told him, "They replied."

He dropped the apple, letting it hit the dirt with a light thud. "What'd they say? How are -?"

"Yeah. I'm great, actually." I said, smiling, recalling my parents' letter.

"Really?" He smiled largely.

"Really."

Before I knew what was happening, he pulled me into a hug. We were almost the same height, him only about two inches taller than me, but I threw my arms up around his neck.

He had mentioned a few weeks ago that he positively hated shaving because he was so prone to getting cut. I could feel the beginnings of stubble on his cheek as his face pressed next to mine.

He breathed out a chuckle into my ear, making my eyes shut and a lump growing in my throat. This was Benjy Fenwick, and he was safety.

I finally stepped out of the hug, and he squeezed his eyes shut for a minute before opening them and smiling again. His hand had slid down my arm and was loosely holding my left hand.

"That's great." He said.

I didn't want to let go of his hand. Warm, just like him. And again, I thought of what it would be like to kiss him.

I dropped my hand abruptly, staring up at the sky again. "Nice day."

He replied, "Yeah."

* * *

><p>"It's a hair clip, it didn't just walk off by itself!"<p>

"Not unless someone enchanted it." Lily chirped from her spot on her bed. Curtains drawn half way, she was laying on her stomach, glancing through Cas' charms notebook.

Marlene's head popped up from under the bed, and she replied, "Shut up Lily."

Lily grinned, and flipped the page.

"Here. These. I swear, James must have nicked them from me, because my notes on the Avis charm are gone!" She said, pointing at a page of notes angrily.

Cas stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, rubbing her forehead.

"Bathroom's all yours." She said to me, droplets from her wet hair falling on my clothes.

I smile a thank you, and shut the wood door behind me. As I brush my teeth, I wipe the steam off the mirror with my free hand. I lean down to spit, and then stand up.

There was a girl staring back at me from the mirror.

Black hair, straight, long, combed out and untangled, down to the top of her ribs. Pale, heart-shaped face, dark brown thin eyebrows, small nose, pink lips, small chin. Grey-blue eyes. They look tired, but they do not look sad anymore. They look at peace.

The girl who stared back at me is a new person. She was standing tall, like a mountain. She took everything as it came to her. She had seen pain, most inflicted on by herself, and had triumphed in the fight. She fought for what she believed in, but came to an agreement with the things she couldn't change. She was Mary MacDonald, daughter of Samantha and Henry MacDonald, best friend of Lily Evans, Dorcas Meadows, and Marlene McKinnon, Hogwarts student, and girl superhero.

She was strong. And she was me.

* * *

><p><strong>Attached<strong>

(Sirius Black)

"This locks, yeah?"

"From the inside."

"Good."

"You smell like lavender."

"New perfume Dorcas bought. Do you like it?"

"You smell good enough to _eat._"

"You arse, shut up."

"Right, no more talking."

"Mmm, yes. "

"Mmmphf."

"Ouch! My back! There's some bloody shelf cutting into -"

"There."

"Thanks."

"Marley - _f__uck_."

"Yes! Fuck, yes, right there -"

"Mar -"

"Sirius, fuck, I -"

Her head fell against my shoulder, breathing hard. I barked a laugh, pushing back the hair that fell in front of her face behind her ear. She grinned at me, and I leaned down to collect her discarded sweater and knickers.

The way she kisses me is almost volatile, hard, like a competition. I kiss her back just as ruthlessly I'm almost sure I'm bruising her lips. I don't care.

"Wow." She said, buttoning up her shirt quickly, letting her tongue poke out from her lip in concentration. The broom cupboard was relatively dark, but I could still see things clearly.

I pulled her back against me, capturing her in a kiss again.

She kissed me back until shoving me roughly away and pointing her finger in my face. "No! We're already late for charms."

"We don't even do anything in class anymore -"

"Still."

"Alright." I said, letting my fingers ghost over her upper thigh under her skirt. Her breath hitched again and she glared at me angrily. But didn't move.

"Sirius." She said firmly.

"Alright." I repeated innocently.

"Alright..." She said weakly. It only took another minute for her to me up against me again, ripping back open the buttons on my shirt.

"Fuck you, prick." She hissed against my lips.

"Yes. Now, preferably." I replied.

She laughed, blond hair falling in front of her face, making me push it back with the palms of my hands. "I'm glad we're finally _properly_ together."

"What do you mean properly?" I asked.

"I don't know, last time things were happening. I just feel like after everything that's happened this year, it's just more stable now. Just because of everything. I don't know if that makes sense, and it really hasn't been that long, but yeah." She said, hands moving along my chest.

"You were different. I was different too." I said, peppering kisses down her neck as her hands slid up my chest.

She pulled away. "How?"

I swooped in for another kiss, but she dodged. "Bloody hell, I don't know. We weren't on the same terms. There was no communication, and it could have been thought of as casual, just because we never really were official, or anything bloody dumb like that."

"It isn't casual now?" She asked slowly.

"Not to me." I blurted out honestly.

"Really?" She said, smiling broadly. I held both her cheeks in my hands, my nose touching hers.

"Really."

I could hear her smile in her words. "Because I'm, unfortunately, rather attached to you."

Before I knew it, she pulled me into a kiss, and we missed the Charms class completely.

* * *

><p>"Knight to B6." Prongs said firmly as the piece slid into position.<p>

Sure enough, Wormtail grinned, and said smugly, "Queen to B6."

And sure enough, Prongs' knight got his head smashed off with a chair.

"Bloody hell Pete, how are you so good at this?"

"It's a natural talent of mine." He said pompously, making Prongs and I both roll our eyes. Then he added, "Do you think we'll still have time for this next year?"

"Wizard's chess?"

"Well, that, and just... leisure time."

"I'm sure we will." James said quickly.

"We've only got one more year after this." Peter plowed on. "After that we'll be gone."

"What's with all the sentimental bullshit talk? We've still got a year. It's not the end!" James insisted, running a hand through his hair and moving another piece.

The door then opened to reveal Moony, who was _whistling_. "And where have you been?"

"When we got back, your curtains were already closed. And the next morning you were gone before any of us woke up!" Peter said indignantly.

Remus just grinned. "I was busy."

"Busy indeed. A bloke only ever grins like that when he's just got laid."

Remus said nothing.

"Bloody hell!" Peter exclaimed.

"And here I thought you were going to end up a virginal professor who wanks over books on the Goblin Revolution."

His smile faltered. "Wow, thanks mate."

I grinned back. "Don't mention it."

He dropped onto his bed, pulling off his shoes haphazardly.

"Enough of this pansy talk." I said, standing up from the chess game. "Can we just drink please?"

Taking the three-quarters full firewhiskey bottle from the top drawer of my night table, opening it and taking a drink. I flicked my hair out of my face, remembering how Marlene said she hated that.

I looked around at my best mates.

James quickly grabbed the bottle from me and took a drink as well.

"Next year is going to be our year, gents." James said, grinning around at all of us. "I can feel it."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Hello everyone! I know this chapter is sort of short, but it's sort of just wrapping some story lines up. Sorry for so long between the last update and this one, I've been super busy with school and work and some fun artistic projects I've been involved with that took up a lot of my attention. The next chapter will be the last (sobs) and then after that will be an epilogue.

I'll save my long, sob-y authors note for the next chapter, but thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!

I hope everyone's enjoying everyone being happy for once. The next update will be soon!

* * *

><p><strong><em>Please review!<em>**


	22. Time, Daisy Chains, and the End

**The End**

(Sirius Black)

Four days until graduation, and yet the entire population of seventh year girls are blubbering like babies. Always bloody hugging each other and crying. I couldn't bloody stand it.

Marlene and I walked down the path to the Quidditch pitch that morning. Her hand was sweaty in mine as the heat poured through our woolen school clothes. As we were still at Hogwarts, being forced to wear the uniform.

"Time is strange, isn't it?" She suddenly said, looking up at the sky. She stopped walking abruptly, making me almost crash into her.

"How's that?" I asked.

"Well, it either goes skull-numbingly slow and every minute seems a year, or extremely fast and is over far too quickly. And no matter how hard you try, it never stops." She said reverently.

She held our joined hands up to her mouth and kissed my thumb.

"I'm just… I'm going to miss Hogwarts." She said, looking far off into the distance. "And you." She muttered, almost too quiet for me to hear.

I kissed her softly for a moment, threading my fingers through her hair. "It's only a few months. Besides, I'm sure Prongs and I will think up some brilliant way to get the gang back together before September. And you can always come over to Potter manor and save me from Prongs' smelly socks."

She grinned, throwing her arm around my neck and kissing my cheek. We stood, intertwined, looking out from a hill over the Quidditch pitch in silence.

If I had tried to imagine what this year had been like after my first day back, it would have been a far cry from the reality. This year I'd managed to pass all my classes, find out I had a half-sister, fight with my best mates, and found a girl I loved.

Whoa. Did I love Marlene?

I looked over at her sideways, watching the ends of her hair flutter in the little wind.

I guess all things considered, this year had been alright.

* * *

><p>(Dorcas Meadows)<p>

There were three days until graduation, and honestly, with everything that happened that year, everyone seemed a bit relieved to have a break.

The seventh years were constantly taking pictures with their friends in various places, some crying. The girls cried and hugged and reminisced while most of the boys pranked each other and broke as many rules as they could.

Mary, Marlene, Lily and I sat at the edge of the Black Lake after "classes" had ended for the day. It was nice weather, a surprisingly non-sweltering day for June.

It felt nice to just be there, among the pebbles and trees, with my friends. I couldn't believe how close I'd gotten to these girls over this year. Lily and Marlene were haphazardly throwing pebbles into the lake, telling us they want to "skip stones", which we all knew would never work.

I sat, making daisy chains, which reminds me of Remus. I set aside an already made-chain for him.

As I finished my third, I gave it to Mary, who smiled and put it on her head. It looks beautiful against her straight black hair, almost like stars in the night.

"Look, I'm queen of Hogwarts!" she said, laughing and bowing dramatically. Marlene and Lily joined in to, and it's the kind of moment where nothing was actually funny, but for once, everything in life seems to be good and you've got the freedom to do it. The freedom to be able to laugh… just for the hell of it.

Lily clutched her stomach, finally laying down on the soft grass, her red hair standing out against the greenish, bluish setting of the lake.

Marlene smiled, and lay down next to Lily. She took a deep breath in, and laughed softly when she let it out.

Mary lay down too, as did I. As we laid there, listening to the light melody of the lake, staring up into the canopy of green leaves the trees made for us, we all smiled.

"So… I figured out something." Mary said.

"What?" asked Marlene, braiding the end of a chunk of Lily's hair lazily.

"Besides the fact that even though I'm not related by blood to the MacDonalds, they're my real parents. They raised me and they're the ones I want to call mom and dad. And also, I realized that you guys are also my family - "

"Mary –"

"No, just let me finish this. I love you guys, with all my heart. You guys were there for me even when I completely didn't want you to be. You're my family."

I grasped Mary's hand and squeezed it tightly in fear I might cry.

"I love you guys too." I said shakily. "You brought me out of my shell, and became my first real friends."

"This is getting way too sappy for me." Marlene remarked, picking fistfuls of grass out of the ground and throwing it back down.

* * *

><p>(Mary MacDonald)<p>

It was around five in the morning then, so I guessed there was only two days left until graduation.

Since I'd… gotten… better, I reckon, I'd become much of a morning person. I was sitting on the balcony of the Astronomy Tower, simply breathing in the view. It's a beautiful place, Hogwarts, if you really think about it. Down below, I watched Hagrid stumble out of his hut, still looking obviously tired, with a few pieces of raw meat. I wonder why he's got that…?

He walks into the forest and disappears out of sight. Probably some strange animal he's gone to feed.

I heard footsteps behind me, but didn't turn around. Benjy appeared next to me, leaning against the balcony and following my gaze out into the forrest.

I smiled when I saw him. I hadn't even been thinking about it, but if there was anyone I wanted up here with me right now, it was him.

"How are you Mac?" He asked, not taking his eyes from the trees.

"Better." I said, smiling. "Hows about you Fenwick?"

"Better." He said, coughing a laugh. We looked at each other for a minute, before laughing a little more.

"Why are you up this early?" I asked, glad that I'd opted not to smoke up here.

"Always been an early riser. The early bird catches the worm, after all." He said, nudging my shoulder with his.

I turned on him. "So you've got worms! It's probably from one of those skanky Hufflepuffs…"

"Hey!" He exclaimed, punching me in the shoulder.

I raised my eyebrows playfully. "You should really get that checked out."

"I'm going to miss you over the summer." He suddenly said. His shoulder is next to my shoulder, and I could feel the sleeve of his t-shirt tickle my arm. It makes me want to shiver.

"I'll miss you too." I said quietly. "Owl me, won't you?"

"'Course Mac." He said.

* * *

><p>(Remus Lupin)<p>

The day before graduation classes are officially out.

Doe and I sat against our tree, the same one we had our first kiss next too. She buried her face in my flannel shirt, and I brought her closer to me. Her hair still smells the same as it did the day I talked to her.

It was almost six, and the sun is just setting. I idly realized that it'll be another week until the full moon, but I didn't want to think about that right then.

"We're such different people from before we met." I heard her whisper to me. It was almost inaudible over the younger years splashing around in the lake far away from us. "_I'm_ different. You changed me."

"Yeah." I said honestly, rubbing the tips of my fingers along her soft hair. "But that's just how life is. The people you meet change you. You changed me, and I think for the better."

"How are you always so wise?" She asked, laughing softly.

"I'm not nearly as smart as I pretend to be." I admitted. She laughed again, and I could feel her shake against my chest.

"Oh. I know." She said seriously.

"Hey!"

"I made you another daisy chain." She said softly, changing the subject. She moved off my chest and rummaging through her bag. She reached her hand down into the bottom and produces a bent, forlorn looking chain of knotted together daisies.

She scrunched up her nose and smiled and she put the daisy chain on my head.

"Thank you. I'll wear it always." I said to her.

"You'd better."

* * *

><p>(Marlene McKinnon)<p>

The graduation ceremony was beautiful that year, especially with the sun having the courtesy not to be completely sweltering. The sixth years and I stood at the edge of the bank with all the other students of Hogwarts, watching the seventh years clamor onto the tiny boats designed mostly for first years.

I watched Jake climb in next to Kailey, who smiles and kisses him quickly. He blushes, and then looks back at me. But I just grin and wave to him. I'll get him when we get home. I knew there was something going on between them.

I looked over at Sirius, who was laughing about something with James. I kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"What was that for?" He asked, kissing me on my other cheek.

"Dunno." I said simply. He grinned.

"It's going to be us next year."

"Going to cry?" I teased. He scowls at me.

"You're lucky you're beautiful, otherwise I would have punched you right here for even suggesting such a statement."

Beside me, Cas and Remus are holding hands and staring straight out over the lake. Cas' head falls onto Remus' shoulder, and he smiles slightly.

Lily is gripping Mary's hand, waving goodbye to a few seventh years that she was friendly with. Alice… I think? Her red hair flows down her back and gets caught up by the gentle spring breeze. James and Peter stand behind them, hands in their pockets, watching the boats move away.

Graduation ended and we all ran to collect our things and board the Hogwarts Express. The girls and I were quiet packing.

As usual, everyone bustles onto the train at the Hogsmeade station. The seventh years, still in their school robes, all sit in the back compartments together, so the girls and I grab the first one we see. A little while later, Sirius and the rest of the gang come bounding into our compartment, making noise and taking up space.

Peter sits down next to Remus, and opened a chocolate frog. Doe's legs stretched over Remus' lap as she reclined against Mary, who started braiding Doe's hair. Sirius squeezes in between Lily and I on the other bench, leaving Lily to sit next to James. They soon started insulting each other, but this time it was in a friendly, almost flirty way. Hey, it's progress.

As the train whistle started, I felt Sirius' hand lace through mine. I turned to him and he grinned.

I felt the train start moving, and I watched out the window as Hogsmeade station disappeared from view.

I look back at Sirius. His black hair flops in front of his face as he leans over and kisses me again on the cheek.

"Alright love?" He asked. I looked into his stormy eyes, but this time they are kind. Different from the cold indifference of September.

I smiled.

"Yeah."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **oh my lord. ok.

so... next is the Epilogue. Then the story is completely done. Wow.

I've been working on this story... well, actually, as of today, a full year. There's been some on and off, but it's strange to think that everything that's happened between last October and this one was happening at the same time I was writing this. I hope everyone enjoyed reading and following this story, I certainly had a blast writing it.

Specifically, I'd like to thank "thebritishone", for being my first steady reviewer ever. You are definitely awesome, and I'm so grateful for all the advice you've given me regarding this story. And to everyone else who has reviewed/favorited/followed this story, THANK YOU SO MUCH! it means literally the world to me.

Alright, I guess I'm done for now. The Epilogue should be along soon (I think). I just thought it would be fitting to post the last chapter on the same day as I posted my first one. Hope everyone liked this chapter!

* * *

><p><strong><em>Please review!<em>**


	23. Author's Note

A/N: HEY EVERYONE.

So I've decided not to upload an epilogue. I know I said I was going to but I like the way it ends and I'm going to leave the ending open. The story only meant to be a snapshot during these Gryffindors' lives during their sixth year at Hogwarts. We all know seventh year was eventful, and their time after that in the Order of the Phoenix was the end for some of them.

I'm sorry if this upsets anyone. I didn't realize I didn't want an epilogue until I started writing it, and it felt rushed and awkward. Sorry for the confusion as well.

I want to thank every single person who read this and went on this journey of writing this with me. This was my first ever fanfiction I ever wrote, and sometimes when I read the earlier chapters I seriously cringe. But I hope you all enjoyed the story, I know I loved writing it.

Anyway, no epilogue. Sorry. I love every single one of you. Mwah!


End file.
